Tag: psychosis

unraveled

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Unraveled

I don’t know what happened after I shaved and showered. The music that I normally hear in my head turned to voices and then I got agitated and paranoid. I really believe ISIS knows where I live and are sending Jihad after me because they know I know their secret. I emailed my psychiatrist, who I would have paged but I wasn’t feeling up to it. She called me anyway and we talked. I hated this. I didn’t want to talk to her. Now I got to call her tomorrow.

It’s been a long time since I felt like this. Three male voices are wanting me to take a bottle of pills so it will be over. I just took an Ativan because the agitation is getting worse. I feel like my psych is in on the killing part and can’t be trusted.

I’m feeling really out of touch though I am trying to stay in touch. It’s really hard when you have so many voices telling you things at once and there are sirens going off. I think they are coming to get me, even though they fade in the distance. It’s sad when you can’t trust your mind and you don’t know what is real and what isn’t.

My psych said that I haven’t been like this in a while. It’s true, I haven’t. Nothing set me off. I haven’t felt stressed about anything. I just made my bed when things began to become undone. There haven’t even been ISIS in the news or on my Twitter feed so not sure why this is happening. I feel alone and scared and paranoid that people are out to get me. I am afraid to leave my room.

I was tired but now I am overtired. I got too much on my mind. I don’t know how to get out from this mess I am in. I wish the voices would stop hounding me about taking pills. I don’t know why my meds aren’t working to stop the voices. Maybe I should take more. I don’t know. It’s very weird to feel this way. I can’t trust my thoughts. I don’t know if this is because of the migraine I have or what. Least my nausea has stopped. I hate feeling agitated. It fuels the voices even more.

I have been trying to distract but it’s not working and music is not a good thing right now because it makes everything louder. My head is feeling like it’s at Fenway park with a full stadium of people. But I am alone in my room with just the AC on. So many voices all talking at once. I need to do this and that now. Just take this and it will all be over. This person is coming to get you. I am so scared.

I haven’t been like this in a long time. I hope that by tomorrow what ever this is, is gone. I don’t want to go to the ER. They just make things worse with the bright lights and the noise. Plus, they don’t believe you when you tell them you are hearing voices anyway. It’s a conspiracy. They just want your insurance money and then transfer you to another unit that is worst.

Saturday Blog 85

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 85

I had a fairly good sleep, though I did wake up around 0500 in pain. I was able to get back to sleep until 1300. I made coffee. My mother came home and said she needed somethings at Walgreens. I told her I would go. I drank my coffee enough so I could put the lid on and got dressed. It was really muggy and I was sweating by the time I got to the store. I got everything she needed and bought myself some turkey bacon. I haven’t had it in a while.

I came home and my shirt was soaked with sweat. I cooled off a bit and then decided to change my sheets. I didn’t have any problems, though my hip was aching me. I then decided to shower. My mother said I had to clean the shower floor because it was dirty from my feet. I don’t understand her logic. After I finished shaving my head, I showered and then cleaned the shower floor. We really need a mat as the floor can be slippery at times. I didn’t get dressed because it was too hot. I told my mother if she showered to be careful as it might be slippery. I then went upstairs to my cold room to get dressed.

I decided I was going to order Pad Thai for a reward for changing my sheets. I checked off medium as a spice level. It was hotter than I thought it would be! Next time, I am ordering mild. My mouth is still burning me. I didn’t finish it but I knew I wasn’t going to reheat it so I tossed what was left.

I was watching the game while waiting for the food and eating it. They currently are losing 1-0. But it’s still early in the game. My head is filled with music and it’s driving me nuts. So I put on my MP3 player. I need music to counteract the music in my head. I think I am getting a migraine. My head hurts. I am really tired from everything that I have done today.

It’s too early to take my night meds, though I would if I could. I am in pain but it’s tolerable. I am not going to do anything the rest of the night. I might read a few chapters of “the Adventures of Maya the Bee”. I would like to finish this book. It’s a cute little story about this bee that goes out of the hive and decides she is not going to return. Every adventure is meeting up with a new insect. She really wants to see what humans are like as she has heard conflicting stories about them.

For some reason, I have been having breast pain and I don’t know why. It is really annoying. I really would love to cut the suckers off. I fucking hate them. I was looking at top surgeons and there are none in the Boston area. There was one in Brookline but he won’t see overweight people. I think I am a little ways from having surgery anyway. I want to be on testosterone for a while before I think of surgery. I have no idea if my insurance will cover it or not. I still would love to lose some weight. I really have to control my eating habits and stop eating desserts. It’s hard though because I love desserts and ice cream. I am still eating my lemon lasagna that I made the other day. No one else is eating it so it’s all mine. I usually have a slice for breakfast. Not the best, I know but it’s so good. It’s almost gone and I won’t make another dessert for now.

chugging along

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Chugging along

I had about 3 hours of sleep in the last 24 hours. I probably would have slept for four hours but my PCP’s office called me around 0930 and woke me up. My scripts would be ready later this afternoon. I brushed my teeth and washed up. My ankle was screaming so I took some pills. It’s been the same pain going on 12 hours now. I got to Starbucks. I ordered a turkey bacon sandwich and 6 shots espresso over ice. I needed it. After I finished the sandwich, I was still hungry, so I bought another one. I didn’t care. I was hungry.

I wrote in my journal until I finished my espresso. Then I left to go to my appointment and my PCP’s office. On envelope was my name and UTox. I thought there would be a requisition inside but there wasn’t and I wasn’t handed a cup so I just left and didn’t say anything. I didn’t have to pee anyway. I was early for my psych appt. I waited in the hallway to write a little bit before going to her office to check in.

She was only a few minutes late, much to my surprise. My ankle was still smarting and the espresso was starting to wear off. She said that the possible cause of the music in my head is a rare form of migraine activity. I forget the exact words she used and I couldn’t spell it even if she said it 10 times. Just another fucking thing to live with.

I didn’t discuss my suicidal thoughts with her. I just kept things low key. Somehow we got on the subject of country music. I told her I was a big fan. She told me that she heard Garth Brooks on the radio talking about his new album that is due out soon. He just finished producing it. I told her I have almost all of his CDs, except his new one Man against Machine. I am looking forward to his new album as his new single I like.

She gave me my script for Ativan and we made an appt for two weeks. She still wants me to be in touch with her in the mean time. I always am. The rain was coming down harder than it was. I was glad I brought my umbrella. I usually don’t carry one but I did today because the forecast said no wind. If there is wind, I don’t use an umbrella because you are just going to get wet anyways. I made the bus home. My mother called me asking where I was. I told her I was on my way home.

I had some crackers and cheese for dinner. I don’t feel like eating anything else right now, though I am wanting some Chinese food. I am having a craving for crab Rangoon. I don’t think I can go up and down the stairs so it might be for lunch tomorrow. Unless I get really hungry later on. I plan on taking out the ground beef to thaw out tomorrow so I can make the gravy Sunday. That will be a good meal. It will all depend on if my pain levels go down. They are murderous right now. I can barely move my ankle/foot without severe pain. Having CRPS sucks so bad. My psych did agree that I have it, though she doesn’t really know what the treatment is for it. I have tried a lot of treatment for it but the pain meds seem to work the best, usually. I wish I could have long acting meds because then I wouldn’t have to take my meds around the clock or every few hours. Just sucks.

night out with friends

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night out with friends

My friends and I went out to dinner tonight. We had fun. After dinner, they drove us to the train station so we didn’t have to rely on the commuter rail. I got to the Square just in time to catch the 2130 bus. The train was going super fast, faster than it normally does. I didn’t care because it allowed me to catch the bus home. I had to hoof it up the escalator, which my foot did not like, but I made it.

My PCP’s office called me around noon. I was still snoozing so I just let it go to voicemail as I didn’t feel like talking to anyone. I went downstairs and brushed my teeth. When I came back to my room, I called them back. I spoke to the nurse and she was asking me how I take my strong pain pill. Doc finally realized I was coming in nearly every two weeks for refills, which is what I told him my last appointment with him. Knucklehead finally realized I wasn’t lying. He wanted to increase my count so that I could fill both the strong pain pill and my regular one at the same time and just come in once a month. I was hoping to get a call later this afternoon but I didn’t. I will be near my PCP’s office tomorrow as I am meeting with my psych. I hope they can have the scripts ready for me. I will call when I get up in the morning.

I came home and my room was hot because the AC had been off for hours. I took my meds but I know I am not going to sleep anytime soon. One, I am in pain, and two it’s going to take me some time to wind down. Every time I take my night meds late I am always up. But I can’t risk taking them while out because they can cause me to be drowsy. Plus I had a glass of wine with dinner, which wouldn’t be good. I was feeling good with the alcohol but now I am just wiped out.

Trash barrels were out which reminded me that I didn’t empty my recycles like I wanted to. I’ll have to do it tomorrow night or Saturday. I just looked at my knee and there is a white patch on it. Wonderful. Now I have eczema on my knee. Good thing I have a huge bottle of eczema lotion that I bought for under my eyes. Seems I am getting it in more and more places as I get older. Sucks.