Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Don’t know how I feel

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, psychosis

Don’t know how I feel

I don’t know how I feel. I just woke up two hours ago. I just couldn’t wake up. I kept on having strange dreams. Nothing scary, just weird. I wish I could remember them but they have escape my mind. I am still feeling pretty tired and want to order pizza for dinner. But I just had lunch and right now I just want to eat ice cream. I hate when I sleep so late in the day. I guess I needed the sleep as this week has been awful but still. It sucks.

I just took the daily mood questionnaire thing that I am participating in. I guess walking from my room to the kitchen and back equals 1 minute of walking time. I don’t know why I bother with this. It’s not like my answers change daily. They mostly stay the same, unless I am having a bad day. I really don’t care anymore about my the damn data points. I should uninstall the app but I will give it a little more time. I forget which Twitter buddy sent me the link. If I find it, I will share it here in case you are interested in participating.

I have been playing my game, though I don’t know what is the point. The game shuts down in a month. I guess just to finish up what I am doing as much as possible. The crops that used to be for horseshoes are now for coins, so that helps. I hope I can get a few missions completed in a month.

I still feel like maybe I should be in the hospital. It’s not that I feel like harming myself, I just don’t feel safe. I still feel pretty paranoid, like I am always being watched and I can’t shake it. My psychiatrist has given the ok to take the trilafon as needed, but she prefers that I don’t use it. But I sort of need a PRN to help with this stuff even though it causes me to feel nothing. I kind of feel like I am a piece of stone while taking it. My thoughts are a little bit more clearer when I take it though right now, everything seems fuzzy. I still think that if I wear my headphones, thoughts will get implanted in my head. So I haven’t been wearing them. As long as my phone plays the music through its speaker, I will be ok, I think.

I read more about my cousin’s boyfriend, or should I say, fiancé. He was a really good kid, though I am not surprised. It’s always the good ones that get taken early. He apparently fell 60 feet while snowboarding. He succumbed to his injuries five days after the fall. He was 23 not 24. I feel so bad. Wake is tomorrow and I have decided I am not going to go. I feel bad and everything but I really can’t handle grief right now. Call me selfish, but I need to think of my own suffering right now. Besides, being in a room full of grieving people might set off my already increasing paranoia. I have always been sensitive to others but their grief might set me off the edge.

I feel depressed but I don’t know why. It could be because of the sadness I feel for my cousin. I don’t know her very well. She is my Uncle’s daughter. I probably would have known her better if they didn’t move to another state close by. I really love my uncle. He is the one that is not really a jerk or an asshole. He is a very good guy and a hard worker that always is there when you need him. Unlike my mother’s other brothers. I know this will pass but it just sucks right now. My sister feels so bad that she keeps thinking about it. It really is a just a tragic thing to go through.

I often why I am fixated on Allah. He isn’t really my “god”, though if all gods are the same, then I guess he could be my god. I don’t really believe in a god. I believe there is a higher Providence or Power that rules things. I used to believe in the three spirits but all that was shaken when my family broke up. See, my priest at the time, said that if you go to church for a year, things will change. I went faithfully for almost a year, sometimes twice a week I went. And then when that year was almost to a close, I was suicidal and my family was apart. Some change. I blamed God for this and that priest. Oh, how I hated him. I don’t even remember his name, now. I never knew about Allah, or any other religion, until I was an adult. I grew up Catholic so I naively thought everyone was Catholic. I didn’t know there was Protestants, Jewish people, etc. Everyone I knew was Catholic and we all went to the same church, or one like it. I don’t really know the exact moment I heard about Allah. Maybe while I was reading the History of God, though in the book, he was called Mohammad. The book was very dense and didn’t offer too much breathing room. I never finished it because I just couldn’t get through it. But I guess, I learned about Allah when Muslims started entering the US and I wanted to learn more about them. I don’t believe that ISIS are Muslims like they say they are. They are aliens that want to kill and control people. Because why would these people kill their own kind? Doesn’t make sense. From what I have learned, Allah is a peaceful god that wants peace in the world. Why he wants to control me, I have no idea. It is what I believe. He isn’t being too vocal. Meds are keeping him quiet at the moment. I hope he stays quiet.

too dangerous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, depression, psychosis

I have been battling the voices and the delusions all day. It’s like a pounding headache that won’t quit despite taking medication for it. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel so alone in my struggle. I know my family won’t understand. And most of the psych professionals don’t really know how to deal with psychosis. I am so depressed about it. I felt like emailing my psychiatrist telling her I would go to the ER but what for? What can they do that I haven’t done already. I have taken trilafon and Ativan to try and sleep today. It helped somewhat but I had weird dreams. I feel transparent, like people can see right through me, almost like I am a ghost. It is a weird feeling.

I have been trying to read to let my mind wander a bit, but it has been difficult. I rather sleep. I have been taking my meds earlier than I usually take them. I don’t know if it is doing me any good. My sleep has been the same and then I have to wake up in the wee hours to pee. I sometimes stay up for a bit until I can go back to sleep. I then sleep for a few hours before I have to pee again and then I am usually up for the day. Today I am just too tired to fight. So I am resting.

I was doing good pain wise for the last few days. Until this morning. My foot decided it was going to ache more than I can handle right now. So I took a pain pill, which only added to my drowsiness. I don’t understand why my pain has been less since I have been a little bit more active lately. Frankly, I don’t care because I know there will be a day I don’t do anything and my foot will flare up. So if it wants to lay low while I do stuff, that is fine with me. Monday I have to request my pain medication. I think I will go and pick it up rather than have it mailed to me. Last time it was cutting close to my refill date.

You would think that because I have been in less pain, I would be doing well mentally. But I so believe that that Goa’uld are going to be invading us. It is only a matter of time before ISIS gets a stronghold and really become a threat. I don’t know how much of my imagination is real or not but I believe this whole heartedly. ISIS is being controlled by aliens that want to conquer the human race. I don’t even know what “ISIS” stands for. Nor do I care. It’s too bad that the Goa’uld are registered with the Stargate franchise. Otherwise, I could have written a story about this. But I don’t want to get in trouble. It’s bad enough I am being watched 24/7. I know there are bugs in my room trying to get information from me. I play music most of the time to distract the bugs. I play it somewhat loud. My mother is deaf so I don’t have to worry about disturbing her. They want to record the conversations I have with the voices. So I have been silent and it is killing me. I like talking with the voices. But it’s too dangerous.

I was listening with headphones to music from the laptop. It is Bluetooth so I don’t have to stay in one place. It was nice until the music started planting thoughts in my head. The lyrics, even though I was hearing them correctly, somehow had a hidden message that I had to decipher. Every song was like this. I had to stop listening through the headphones. I was getting convinced the headphones were tapped.

Sunday is my father’s birthday party. I have to find out if it is still on because of the wake information. I read the goodbye notes my cousins left for her boyfriend. I started bawling. He was 23. Died way too young. My cousin was in love with him since she was 17. That is a long time to love someone. I still don’t know how old my cousin is. She is younger than I am and I know she is in her twenties. I think she just passed her 21st birthday not that long ago so I am guessing she is around his age. It just is so sad.

Still having psychotic symptoms

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, psychosis

Still having psychotic symptoms.

I emailed my psychiatrist today to see if it was ok to take more trilafon than I am currently taking. I haven’t heard back. It might be a while. I know she is there only a few days a week but she should get back to me sometime tonight. I told her things are pretty much the same and that the paranoia is freaking me out. I hate having to look over my shoulder all the time. The delusions are still the same. I had wicked bad side effects last night from the abilify. I should have taken the Ativan sooner than I did but I was sleepy and thought I would sleep it off. This got interrupted by me having to go pee. Then my arm felt like it was going to fall off. The tension was so great I thought my arm was going to break in two. Then I had spasms and spasticity that drove me insane. I didn’t get to sleep till after 2300. I then woke up around 0600 today but after reading Dostoevsky, I was able to fall back to sleep.

I really hate having to deal with side effects. It is one of the reasons why I take the abilify every other day. But even then, I still could have side effects. I emailed my psychiatrist last night when it was happening. I think I just typed one handed on my phone because I couldn’t hold my phone and type with both hands. The spasms were also in my left hand so in between spasms, I was trying to hold the phone and type. If it wasn’t that bad, I probably would have blogged about it some more.

Insert sarcasm: had fun dealing with the father today. I kept on praying that they would hurry up and take him so I wouldn’t have to listen to his idiotic stories he thinks he is right on, when he is not. Just pisses me off and there is no point in arguing with him. Plus, we were in a public place so I really didn’t want to start an argument, or have him raise his voice in agitation. I blew it off best I could but it still bothers me that I have a vengeful father.

I kind of wish I asked my therapist for a phone session today. Even though I wanted nothing to do with her yesterday, today was tough to deal with, especially after last night. I really have never wanted to die as bad as I did last night just so the spasms would stop and I could get some relief. My arm is still throbbing just thinking about it. It is a side effect I am willing to deal with because all I have to do is take an Ativan for it to go away. Now it seems like I have to take it every night even if I don’t have side effects.

I really need to see my eye doctor. Either my eyesight has gotten worse or my eye muscles just can’t focus on reading anymore. Which is sad. I haven’t been on the computer long, but I have been driving most of the day. That takes a lot of mental energy and focus, especially since I was behind every moron. I think I avoided a minimum of 3 accidents today, one of which shook my father up as the truck on the right lane wanted to come into the middle lane where I was at the time. Bastardo. Then I was talking to myself and my father kept asking what I was saying. He doesn’t get that I talk to myself. And I hate driving with him because he has his own way of getting to where he wants to go. I ignore him and take my route because I am the one driving, not him.

Just got some bad and worse news. One, my cousin’s boyfriend died this week due to a snowboarding accident. To say that she is devastated is beyond measure. The funeral is Monday. I think I will be going to the wake, just to pay my respects. I really hate going to these things. The bad news is that my game on Facebook is shutting down. Last day is April 30th. I am upset over this. Now I will have nothing to fill my time during the day. I don’t know if they will be taking away their Poker game, but then, you can only lose so many times before you get bored with it. I am not a good poker player.

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.