Tag: schizoaffective disorder

random 788

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 788

I just got finished watching “It’s a Wonderful Life”. It’s one of my favorite Christmas movies because it always gives me hope that things can be better than what they are currently.

I was hoping that I would be asleep by now as I took my strong pain pill and my regular pain pill before the movie and I am still awake. I am also still in pain. It doesn’t seem to want to go away despite all the meds that I have taken today. It’s so frustrating to be in pain all day and not find any measure of relief.

I was talking to a friend today about my therapist. I told her how we were breaking up. She wanted to know why so I basically said she was incompetent. She really is a bozo and the hard part of it all is that I am not sure I can find another therapist that I feel comfortable with. I told my friend that I might have to find a male therapist because female ones haven’t been working out for me. I have only had one male therapist of the 13 that I have had. Unfortunately, I had to fire him because after telling him I was going to OD on some pills with the intent on killing myself, he asked if I was suicidal. No, I just like to OD for fun. What the hell.

Being in pain all the time is such a drag. I had to take some more Ativan because my anxiety keeps shooting up whenever I move my ankle because the pain also shoots up. It’s so hard when I you have PTSD on top of everything and this is why I can’t understand why my therapist can’t help me. She is supposedly trained in trauma. She has diagnosed me as having complex PTSD. I just don’t understand why we can’t focus on that. It drives me berserk. But then she likes to talk and talk more than listen. I need a therapist that can listen to me or at least tolerate the silence when I have nothing to say or I am thinking of something to say without being interrupted. I just feel bad that it’s taken me 16 years to figure this out. Or for her to figure this out because of the one blog I sent her, which she continues to read for some reason. She definitely has issues.

I watched RENT, live on Broadway the other night. The songs are still going through my head. And it’s not just one song, it’s the whole damn side A of the CD I always listen to. Tomorrow I need to listen to it again. It’s the only way to get them out of my head. I would listen to it now but I don’t remember where I placed the CD. I think it’s in the Pearl Jam CD holder that I have that is now buried on my night stand.

My friend gave me RENT the movie for my birthday. I still haven’t watched it yet. I will one of these days. I just need the songs in my head to clear out a bit before watching it again. I hate that this has been happening to me for some time now and it puzzles my doctor. She doesn’t know why it happens. And my antipsychotic meds are not helping it. So I just need to live with another puzzling thing. It is annoying as all hell though.

I was talking to this friend last night about being psychotic as we haven’t talked in while and my psychotic symptoms have gotten worse over the last few years. It kind of made things worse for me and caused me to become paranoid. I swear I am watched by the FBI right now, though I don’t really know why. I haven’t said anything about my alien theory to anyone in months. I don’t want to discuss it now because I am being watched.

Random Saturday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Saturday Blog

I had a fairly decent sleep, but I still woke up in pain. It’s getting worse as I am moving around. I haven’t done much except make coffee and have something to eat. But then, I don’t need to do anything for it to flare. That is the unpredictability of pain syndromes. It was snowing when I got up this morning but it seemed to have stopped. If it’s raining like the forecast had said, I can’t tell. I just know I am hurting and all I can do is pop a pill to make it go away.

I wanted to change my sheets today but after I had my coffee, my gas ran out. I feel so unmotivated right now that all I want to do is sleep. I really didn’t want to be taking pain meds around the clock today. I wanted to go out for a burrito but the snow is not making that happen. I will go out tomorrow when it’s warmer. I need to get multigrain bread and more pumpkin. I have one can left but I want to have at least two or three so I can make my cake whenever I want. I also want to try to make pumpkin muffins if I can find a good recipe. My cupcakes don’t come out right.

I really need to clear off my bed. Maybe I will focus on that today. Just do one thing and it will be a sense of accomplishment. My sister wants me to babysit tonight, if she goes out. She plans on going south of Boston. The snow is heavier there than where we are. I hope she decides not to go.

I’ve been thinking on and off about my therapist. I still don’t know what I am going to do. It’s just so damn hard to think about these things. I have no idea where to begin. I might call the intake again at the hospital where my psychiatrist works and see if I can get a therapist there. But not right now. I need some time to get over my current therapist before I start seeing someone new. I really don’t want to go into downtown Boston weekly but if I have to, I guess I will. Least it will get me out of the house. And there is a Starbucks at the corner so I will be able to have my coffee before therapy, if it’s at the same place where the CBT therapist was at. I still want to go there to take pictures of the new Government Center T stop. And go to the Irish restaurant across the street for their yummy Asgard burger and fries.

The thought of having a therapist not be collaborative and go through the process of “interviewing” them instead of them interviewing me is daunting. I went through it once when I had good insurance. I don’t think I can go through it again with the insurance I have now. And with me getting paid just once a month, I am not sure I can pay copays weekly. It’s just stressing me out. And that is the last thing I need right now.

trapped in my room by pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Trapped in my room by pain

Today was so bloody cold. It was 6 degrees F when I woke up and then climbed to 13 degrees by the time I got to my appointment. The windchill was well below zero, like -19 degrees. I wore long johns so my legs didn’t freeze but they froze anyways. I am still thawing out.

My appointment with my psych went well as it can be. I told her the situation with my therapist. I told her I don’t think we can patch things up this time. She is just feeling too incompetent to be my therapist after all this time. I cried a little bit because I still think it’s my fault. I know in reality it’s not but I can’t help thinking that if I didn’t show her that damn blog, we would still be together. Even my psychiatrist said that my blog is supposed to be of my feelings and she doesn’t understand what has changed. I don’t get it either. That is the hard part of all this. But there is nothing I can do about it. I have tried and tried to deal with her and it’s just not working anymore.

After the appointment, I did an errand for my mother and went to Walgreens to pick up my prescription. I needed a refill on my mood stabilizer but they didn’t get to it yet. I am glad it didn’t go to Arizona or left in cyberspace. I will pick it up tomorrow because as I was getting undressed when I got home, my sock decided it was going to kill my foot. I have no idea what happened. I took my sock off and my foot exploded in pain. I literally saw stars the pain was so bad. I can’t bear any weight on my foot so now I am trapped on my bed. I should have bought a burrito when I had the chance.

I called my mother and told her that I might be sleeping by the time dinner is ready. I explained that my foot exploded and she kind of flipped out as she never heard me call it that way before. I had to explain that I was in serious pain and took meds for it to calm down. I also took a baclofen because I started to get zaps in my good foot. Today is just not a good day.

I wanted to give my psych a piece of my pumpkin cake but I was too rushed this morning to grab it. My alarm went off early enough but I just didn’t get out of bed. By the time I did and washed up and brushed my teeth it was time to catch the bus. I am so tired and I really haven’t done too much today. I know it’s probably the pain meds that I took a half hour ago. I should have gotten some more espresso before going home. Plus being in pain is tiring. I told my psych about the cake and how I forgot it. She said that I just have to give it to her in the new year. I said ok. It’s my favorite cake so I don’t mind making it again. It’s really easy too. Much easier than the spice cake version.

relatively good day despite crappy sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Relatively good day despite crappy sleep

I didn’t go to bed until practically dawn. Around 0500, I was still up and had to call my psychiatrist because I was worried I was going to be up a full 24 hours. She called me back right away and was kind of worried as I never called her before at that hour. I told her the situation, that I had severe nerve pain that kept me up and then I basically got my second wind. I was contemplating taking some benedryl but she preferred me taking Ativan. She also was worried that I should be in the hospital. I knew if I tried to make my way across town to the hospital, I probably fall asleep and that wouldn’t do anyone any good. She asked if I was safe and I told her I was and she wanted me to call her when I woke up later in the afternoon.

I slept for about four hours. I got up to take my blood pressure medicine and to use the bathroom. I was able to go back to sleep after taking some pain meds. My ankle was starting to cause me grief and I nipped it in the bud. I slept a few more hours and then wanted to order food. I wanted pizza and fries and for the hell of it, ordered a cheese steak. It was yummy. I had one slice of pizza because I had the sub and fries. I ate most of the fries then went back to my cave.

My good friend sent me a birthday care package and wow with the stuff she gave me. I got a copy of the best of RENT, two DVDs of RENT, a Starbucks gift card and the sweetest birthday card I ever received. I plan on watching the Broadway version of Rent rather than the movie. I had seen it in Boston twice. It’s my favorite musical of all time, next to King and I.

All I have done today is eat and went out to go to Starbucks. I needed an espresso. I didn’t get 4 shots because I didn’t want to be up all hours. I had two shots over soy milk. I froze my ass off. My legs are still thawing out. I do need to protest my ears a little better from the bitter cold. I need to find my knitted hat and gloves. Going to need them tomorrow. I put the gloves in the “place I will remember” and I can’t find that place. So frustrating. I probably will find them in the Spring.

My psychiatrist brought up my therapist this morning when she talked to me. I tried not to start crying. She thought I would be up because of that but pain was really keeping me up. I am feeling pretty good despite everything. I hope I am not becoming hypomanic. That would not be good. But I think it’s just a little left over sleep deprivation going on and I am still on that “high”. I still feel really tired though. I really hope I will sleep tonight. Pain doesn’t seem too bad right now but it wasn’t this time last night either. It got really bad around 2100 and stayed until 0300. So for six fucking hours, I was in torture. I hope the Neurontin can protect me for the next 24 hours. I will take it in about a half hour to be sure I have coverage. That is all I can do at this point.