Tag: schizoaffective disorder

A Chilly Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A Chilly Sunday

I woke up not in the best of moods. I wasn’t in pain, yet, but just had disturbing dreams that left me wondering what they were about. Then someone sent me a message just to chat and pissed me off because it was so damn early in the morning. Sorry but I am usually not up at 0630! When I did get up, I had to go to the bathroom. My mother was in it so I had to wait. More grumpiness ensued. My mother had the tea kettle on and it went off while she was in the bathroom. After I finished doing what I was doing, I turned off the kettle and decided to make some coffee. I didn’t feel like eating yet. I didn’t really want the coffee but the water was hot so figured what the hell.

Came back to my room with my coffee that wasn’t very good and started reading. I had to charge my phone because I left it off during the night. I hate when I do that. But I was so tired last night, I just wanted to sleep.

The book I am reading is called “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. There was plenty of warnings before the giant tank collapsed but of course, upper management didn’t heed the warnings and just plainly ignored them. This was all before the tank actually collapsed. I had heard about the flood but didn’t know much about it until now. It’s all interesting to me, learning about this. The author is great and makes it interesting. I already read two chapters and plan on reading a few more before this evening. I’d like to get through this book this week. I have five books I need to finish before the end of the month for my reading challenge. I don’t know if I will be able to do it, but I will try.

A high school friend started a 21 day liquid diet. It sounds pretty simple but the stuff is wicked expensive. I am going to try it to see if I can actually lose weight and keep it off. The goal is to be within 1,000 calories/day range, which will be perfect for me as I am so inactive. I am doing some research on it before I start it, though I just bought some high protein shakes. I plan on getting more at the vitamin shoppe when I get paid as waiting by mail might be a problem, if I order online. And if I don’t like it, then I am stuck with the stuff. My brother in law has a nutribullet so I can use that for making shakes if I can get a good recipe. I know most of it will be trial and error.

I had to go to the basement freezer for some things. Before I start my diet, I want to make my pumpkin cake. I was glad I went because there was a tub of cool whip. YAY! So now I can make it tomorrow. The trip to the basement and helping my mother around the house caused my ankle to flare up. I had my pizza and am now resting my ankle for the rest of the day.

I have a dentist appointment tomorrow morning. I don’t know if I will go to Starbucks afterwards or just come home and make the cake. I guess it will depend on how much I want espresso. I need to take a shower some time either tonight or before my appointment. I have to wait for the flare to calm down a little bit before I can stand long enough for a shower. I decided to try and increase my baclofen to twice a day to see if it helps with the pain. I am supposed to take it three times a day but I am really bad at taking meds during the morning. That is why I have an app to remind me to take my blood pressure pill otherwise, I’d just be taking it once a day, which would not be helping my blood pressure.

It’s supposed to snow later this evening and into tomorrow. I hope that by the time my appointment rolls around, it has stopped and the roads are somewhat clear. I have to go up an incline sidewalk to get to the office building. It will be harder in the snow.

things accomplished today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things accomplished today

I woke up in pain, again, so I took my pain meds. I fought off the drowsiness by making breakfast and coffee. I didn’t feel like going to the Square today as I wanted pizza for lunch. I made a deal with myself that if I went to the post office, I could get pizza for lunch. The pain had calmed down some by the time lunchtime rolled around so I made it to the post office and then got half a box of pizza. It was cheaper that way than getting two slices. My niece texted me saying that she needed a nip so I went to the liquor store after I picked up the pizza. I also checked my numbers. Yesterday, something was telling me to play my father’s numbers so I played. I won $3 so I played again for tonight’s drawing.

I came home and ate the pizza, all of it. It was good and I was hungry. I guess I won’t have supper tonight. I went back to my room and my mother called me. She left her insulin down my aunt’s house and wanted me to go get it. So I put my sneakers on and walked down the street, hoping my ankle didn’t fail on me because I didn’t carry my cane nor was I wearing the AFO. Now my ankle and foot really hate me. Before I rested, I emptied the barrels in my room into a trash bag. I had to empty them because they were almost overflowing. After I did that, I took two more pain pills and am now resting my damn foot. The same area that flared up last night is still hurting me today.

I didn’t change my sheets like I wanted to but at least I accomplished the other things. I will try and change them tomorrow if my pain isn’t too bad, and I get some sleep. The Neurontin really helped me sleep most of the night last night. But I had to take a huge dose of it. I think that is why I am so hungry today. Think I am going to have some golden Oreos soon. My sweet tooth is craving something sweet.

I was glad that the dentist office called in the afternoon and not in the morning like I thought they were going to. I have an appointment Monday for a cleaning. I have been better at brushing my teeth since my last visit so that is good. I hope I have no cavities. That will suck.

I might make my pumpkin cake this weekend. I know I will be the only one eating it but I don’t care. I like baking. I just hope I have some cool whip. Otherwise, I won’t be able to make it. That would be sad. I have been wanting to make this cake for a while now. I also need to have room in the fridge for it because it needs to be refrigerated.

Daily Word Prompt Missing

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

Daily Word Prompt Missing

I saw this word and immediately thought of my deceased father. I never thought I would be missing him, but I am. I miss his stupid phone calls. I miss taking him to doctor appointments. I miss the chaos he used to cause whenever I had to drive him somewhere. While I was driving, he loved to pinch my arm that was on the steering wheel. It would make me jump and freaked me out because wtf. I didn’t want to get into an accident and here this asshole is making me uncomfortable driving. He would always laugh when I told him to stop. And the endless directions of where to go. Go down this way, no go this way. I know a short cut. Take this right/left. I actually listened to him one night while driving home from his sister’s and we got lost. Never again will I listen to him. And now I will never again hear him give directions on how to get somewhere.

It’s been seven months since he has passed. It still feel like yesterday. I am glad the intrusive thoughts of his death have passed. I think I have been traumatized by his death because I never seen a human being die before. It wasn’t pleasant. I am grateful that when we brought him to his apartment, he died within a few hours and wasn’t a long drawn out affair.

I remember the whole day that he died, from the moment we came and saw him to the transport of bringing him home, to his final breath. I still feel anger for some reason. I don’t know if it is because of the way I felt towards him or because of the stages of grief. I feel stuck in it and I can’t get unstuck. Not that I am an angry person. I am not, least I don’t think I am. My father was. He was also very vengeful. It really pissed me off that things that had nothing to do with him, pissed him off. He would tell stories and I couldn’t help to think that this man was nuts with anger. Oh how he hated my grandmother (mother’s mother).

But despite all these wicked stories and aggravations, I miss seeing and hearing from him nearly every day. Every time I get notification of the bus line that brought me to his door, I think of him. Every time I see the bus, which is frequently, I think of him. He hated me taking the bus over going to the train station, because it was “easier and faster”. It really was the same time as taking the bus to his house. His sense of time was different than other peoples. And he hated waiting. The man had nothing better to do yet he would have a damn fit if the doctors were late seeing him. One time the doc was almost an hour late and he wanted to leave. I told him we couldn’t or we wouldn’t be able to get his medication refilled. He hated that I had an evening appointment with this doc but I didn’t. It was the first one available and I took it because I didn’t want my father to run out of his medication and then have the hassle of not getting it because he hasn’t been seen. He doctor was an asshole. But he provided care to my father and I was grateful for that.

It is tough around the holidays and birthdays. Not seeing him at these parties is a heartbreaker. This will be the first Christmas without him and it will mark his eighth month of his passing so it will be a difficult day. My sister was crying at Thanksgiving and I think she will cry again on Christmas. She was closer to my father than I was. I had to distance myself from him because he loved to torture me so much. But I would give anything to hear him make fun of me again.

As I sit here in pain…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, PTSD

As I sit here in pain…

I have no idea what the fuck I did. I got really hot so decided to take my legs out from under the covers. Apparently taking my right leg out first was not the thing to do because my left ankle then exploded in fucking agonizing pain and I couldn’t breathe for a few minutes. It was so damn bad. I held my ankle as still as possible. Then it started to cramp up on me. Fuck. I let it hang off the bed for a few minutes and that caused more cramping. Double fuck. I took another Ativan and my pain meds. What else was I going to do?

I then got really angry. I sent off a couple of texts to my therapist telling her how I felt. I used more profanity than I have ever used for her. I usually don’t swear in my texts unless I am really upset. And this time I was. Not like she is going to read the damn texts. If she is, she isn’t going to fucking respond. She never responds. Pisses me off. I don’t know why I bother.

While I was angry, I kept looking at my laptop and things on my bed and wanted to fling all of it off my bed. I was mad at myself for “defacing” my laptop cover with stickers. They never bothered me before and I didn’t know why tonight it was bothering me. I knew I couldn’t fling my beloved laptop. That would be very bad and I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself. So I put some Pearl Jam on. PJ always calms me down when I am agitated and angry. Least until the Ativan and pain meds make me dopey.

I am almost finished (thank god) with the Lincoln Boys. I just read how in the 1930s and 1940s how historians were rationalizing the Civil War. One idiot thought that more compromise was needed and that if only politicians and newspaper editors weren’t so vile, the war could have been avoided peacefully. Another moron thought slavery was basically a joke because how could “white” people be so cruel to African Americans. Um, wasn’t this the time when the KKK emerged and lynchings happened? Not to mention that black people were killed if they so much as “looked” at a white woman? Sickens me, it really does. I thought this was written by a black person but nope, it was a white person. Unfucking real. I hate this author for his take on things, most of which have NOTHING to do with Lincoln or his “boys”. Propaganda, yup. I should write that. Maybe it will sell and I will be a NYT bestseller.

I got copies of MY book today. I needed one for a friend as I am giving it to her as she wanted one. In exchange, I get my happy place gift card. I ordered five copies. What I am going to do with the other four, I don’t know yet. I usually give them away to potential reviewers but that hasn’t worked out. I must have given away at least 10 copies and zero reviews have been written. But I sold a Kindle version of my book yesterday so I am happy. I’ll get 99 cents royalties for it. HAHAHA.

Did I mention that I am in pain? My toes were hurting before, like elves were hammering on every bone in my foot. Now my ankle is flared up beyond mention and cramping or throbbing. I can’t tell and I don’t want to touch it to find out. My shuffle thing really sucks because this is the 3rd time I have heard the song Release in the last 10 minutes. I love the song, but really? There are 11 other songs I could be listening to. Or 10. I forget how many songs are on the album. It’s having a calming effect on me so I shouldn’t complain. I just hate the shuffle function on my app. So if anyone has a good music app for Android, please tell me about it!! Rocket player isn’t for me but works until I find another one.

I’m glad my mother is ok. I heard some banging and shit downstairs so immediately thought the worst. Then she came up the stairs so I knew she was okay. If my ankle wasn’t hurting I would have checked on her. But I doubt I could stand. As I still can’t move my fucking ankle a millimeter. Damn you CRPS or whatever pain syndrome I have.