Tag: schizoaffective disorder

the pain game

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

The pain game

Since around 2100 yesterday, I have been in constant pain. My only reprieve has been when the pain meds actually have taken some of the throbbing away. Last night it was my toes that were in agony. Tonight, the top of my ankle, where the foot and ankle meet is the subject of tonight’s pain game. This type of pain, I have been having most of the day, since 0530. I have been on pain meds around the clock. I just took a strong pain pill because I don’t know what else to do.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow morning and I plan on telling her how suicidal I am. I am risking my freedom in doing so, but I feel she should know. Maybe, if I am bold, I might tell her she is better off without me and that I will be dying soon. Probably not the best way to talk to a psychiatrist, but I am tired of just saying things are fine when they aren’t. I might pose to her a theoretical situation and see what her response is. I also want to convey to her that if I should die, it’s not her fault. She has been with me for 24 years and has done the best she could do for me. Between the pain and the voices that keep telling me that I deserve to die and should kill myself, there is nothing more that can be done.

I’m tired of this Merry-go-round that I am on. It just keeps spinning and there is no getting off. I am wicked dizzy from it. And this time I have made up my mind to end things, to get off the go round for once and for all.

I never did take that nap that I wanted. My mother decided to clean the oven. It’s a self cleaning oven so she turn it on but didn’t realize that when you have grease, you can’t use it. The kitchen and the house filled up with smoke and it still smells terrible. I thought my mother just burned something in the oven but I guess that wasn’t the case, per se.

I had a friend that commented on my Twitter post about being in pain. She can’t believe it hasn’t “gone away” yet. She doesn’t understand chronic pain. It never goes away. Or it might for a little while and then will come back with a vengeance. I have found some like minded “spoonies” on Twitter. It’s been helpful to know that I am not alone with my CRPS and chronic pain issues. We don’t talk about being suicidal or how it affects our moods, however.

my crazy therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My crazy therapist

I had therapy today reluctantly. She gave a bunch of reasons why she felt the need to meet today, but I could tell she was just justifying her need to talk to me this week. As I thought, we didn’t really talk much about anything other than her need to constantly know what I am up to. I did tell her I was done. I didn’t go into more than that and she didn’t ask. I honestly felt like we were talking in circles. I was still groggy as I didn’t sleep well. Pain kept me up most of the night and then I woke up after a 3 hour nap to take some more pain meds around 0530 this morning.

I told her I had planned on cancelling next week but she begged me not to. So we are meeting. It’s just a waste of time for me. I don’t understand why she is bothering to try and save my life when I am clearly very intent on ending my life. It’s so stupid. She reiterated today that she cares about me and that she doesn’t care that her caring is a little unconventional. She is going through some great lengths to talk to me. However, her anxiety around my suicidality is apparent. She tends to talk about nothing most of the session, which leaves me feeling like she doesn’t want to hear what I have to say. Granted today, I didn’t want to talk at all. I was too tired to put two sentences together much less a conversation.

My foot and ankle are still throbbing. I really want to make something to eat but going down the stairs might hurt me more than I already hurt. I took some pain pills so I am hoping it calms down the pain enough that I might be able to get to the kitchen to make myself something to eat. I told my therapist that the Neurontin has caused me to gain at least eight pounds in the last few weeks. My eating habits haven’t changed that much but I just put on the weight. My doc tomorrow is not going to be happy about this but I really don’t care. There is nothing I can do to prevent weight gain other than restricting calories and I am not good at that. My therapist told me I had other fish to fry, which made me feel better, a little bit.

Pain meds have started to kick in. I don’t understand why they work “faster” in the day time and take forever to work during the night time. I am very drowsy. I need to take a shower some time today as I need to get up really early tomorrow morning. Just thinking about it, is exhausting me. I am going to take a little nap. Maybe when I wake up, I will have enough energy to make something to eat and shower.

Editing Complete and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Editing Complete

I spent a couple hours inputting the edits/changes to my book. Now I just need to write seventy-five pages to complete the book. This is if I don’t kill myself between now and the next month. I planned another date but I have therapy tomorrow so it might be curtailed. Because the holidays are next month and my next paycheck will be after the holidays, I won’t be able to see my therapist like I had hoped. I might be able to see her the week of my birthday but that will be it. I just can’t afford gifts and Zipcars.

I had a cup of tea and I think it’s causing me to not be sleepy. I did take my pain meds a little while ago so I am hoping I will sleep soon. I really don’t want to talk to my therapist. I didn’t ask for this session so I think it’s unfair that she has set this upon me. I am going to really rip into her for doing this.

I feel like this book is my second memoir as it’s mostly about my psychotic experiences. I did have some really cool delusions. It was fun to write about them, but I am sure it wasn’t fun while I was going through them. It’s usually very scary and I distrust those closest to me until the meds kick in and then I am in my “right” mind again. It was strange as I had written about my traumatic experience that brought me into therapy while listening to a song written by Taylor Swift that I swear represents my father to a T. I had it on repeat and while going through this one story, I was remembering the feelings of that night that I had written about. I couldn’t believe just how threatening my father was that night. It was then that I realized he was just a man.

If there is a song that I really love, I usually send some lyrics to my therapist. I really love Sam Hunt’s song “make you miss me”, but I can’t send her the lyrics to that one because she will have the police at my door if she can’t get in touch with me. The lyrics are powerful and I love them. I have the song on repeat right now because I want to sing the damn song without messing up on certain parts. It’s always towards the end of the song, I screw up. I will get it one of these days.

Facebook had “suggested” a publishing page for a Neil Gaiman book. I have it on Kindle but this was a leather bound book and it looked really cool. I clicked on it to see how much it was and it was fucking $100! No thanks! I will stick to my Kindle version. It had an excerpt from the book and now I am kind of nervous to read it because it talked about monsters. I don’t like scary books. His American Gods book had me freaked out. Took at least a week for me to get the images out of my head when people in the book were gruesomely killed or something weird happened. He is a brilliant writer but on the very weird side. I wanted to get his new book Troll Bridge but it’s a graphic novel. I don’t know what that means but I am guessing it is not my cup of tea. I have yet to go to the bookstore to look at it. I think that is what I am going to do from now on with his books. Not buy them until I physically look at them. Then I can decide if I want them or not. He is coming out with a mythology book in Feb. That one I would love to have, if I make it that long.

I feel like being suicidal is like living with cancer or something terminal. You just never know when you are going to die by your own hands. It could be tomorrow or it could be next week. I guess it just depends on guts. But survivor guilt has been killing me from going through with it at times. I know it will break my mother’s heart and that of my family, especially my nieces and nephew. Then I got my stupid therapist’s guilt trip whenever I bring it up. She is just expressing her feelings on the matter, which I don’t always take into consideration. I try to block them out because it’s just easier that way but then I really think about what I am doing and it stops the suicide plan and gives me some time. I hate this because I just want to fucking die because I can’t stand being in physical pain anymore.

If you have been reading my blogs the last few months, you may know that I talk about my suicidality a lot. It’s such a hard decision that can’t be taken lightly. Ambivalence is always the deciding factor. I think the statistics for suicide would be a lot higher if people weren’t ambivalent about taking their lives, mine included. Sometimes suicide is a rash decision. But for those with chronic suicidality, it really is based on being ambivalent and hopeful or hopeless about things that either keep you alive or make you want to take your life. With me, appointments with my therapist, as much as she pisses me off, gives me a kind of hope to make it through the day or the week. My psychiatrist is the same because I know she cares about me deeply. We have been working together for more than 20 years so I hope she does care about me after all this time. Next year will be our 25th anniversary. Hard to believe. That is if I am able to make it through the next month or so. Things are not looking good so far. I know I have said this a few times over the last few months and I am still here. One day, I will make good on my promise to end my life, or at least try to. It’s a tricky business trying to kill a human being. I have learned my lesson over the years. You would think that would stop my suicidal tendencies but it hasn’t. I guess I am just destined to dream of killing myself and hope one day it comes true.

Editing, Crazy Therapist, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Editing, crazy therapist, and other things

I woke up early enough to catch the bus to go to Starbucks. I really wanted to get some editing done and I accomplished a lot but still am not finished. I have about 20 pages left, which I hope to do this afternoon. I don’t know how I am going to do it on my bed versus a table but we’ll see. I didn’t have a red pen to make notes or mark ups. I felt sad at this.

I was talking to my friend in South Africa via Twitter. I told him I was fearful of what is to come of homosexuals and transgender peoples once Trump takes office. As I fall into this category, it’s making me want to stay in the closet, so to speak. My friend offered me refuge to South Africa so I texted my therapist this. All of a sudden she flips out and now I have a session tomorrow. I tried to get out of it, but she wasn’t taking no for an answer. WTF. It’s not like me moving to South Africa is going to happen. She is nuts. I think she couldn’t wait till Tuesday to talk to me. I didn’t ask for this appointment, she just texted me after the South Africa text.

I am thinking about my father today. A friend in the UK tweeted about how her mother has bedsores from her “care” in the nursing home. That brought about the memories of my father in his last month of life. I am grateful that he never got bedsores. I still think of the day he died and how earnestly I stared at him after I gave him medication before he died. I totally despised him, even in death. I just couldn’t stand looking at him and how he still had control over us, even while he died. He leaves a hole in me but it’s small. I can’t believe I miss the bastard. I never thought how I was going to react after his death. I still haven’t “mourned” for him. There are times when the grief hits me like a ton of bricks and it’s hard to breath. Other times it’s a pang and I just want to cry but I hold back. I feel that if I cry, I will be releasing a power he held over me and I don’t want to do that, yet.

I am tired. Last night I had to turn the heat down because it got really hot in the house with all the people we had over. I don’t think my mother turned it back up because I am wicked cold. It’s in the low 50s today. Of course, I still have the AC in my window so that isn’t helping matters. I really need to clear a path to get to the AC so it can be removed. I would take it out but I am afraid that I will hurt my back in the process. There is nothing heavy in front of the window, just things need to be moved out of the way. Maybe I will do it later tonight, if I get the energy and motivation.