Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Feeling Nervous

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling Nervous

I am supposed to meet my psychiatrist tomorrow. Our last appointment was close to a month ago. I have been keeping in touch via email, sending her blunt feelings about my suicidality as well as blogs relevant to my suicidality and in general how I am doing. I am feeling nervous because there was an email I sent to her last week that basically told her that should I not show up for a future appointment, it is because I am dead. I think in that email, I told her I have a date but I don’t remember. I generally write cathartically so after I finish, it’s out of my mind so to speak. I never got a response from that email so I have no clue if she read it or not, so I could be worrying for nothing. Still, if she has read it, it’s going to be one interesting session.

Rain has started to fall and my ankle is kindly hurting me. I can’t sleep, though I took a nice two hour nap after dinner. My mother made escarole soup. There was no more chicken soup thank god. I wouldn’t have eaten it. I took a shower after the nap so I think that is why my ankle is cranky. I just took some pain meds so I hope it knocks me out soon.

Aside from feeling nervous, I am feeling depressed because I am in pain. It’s that same old thing every single night. I so want a break from it. I just have windows where I don’t have pain instead of more than a few hours. Then the pain meds wear off or I move my ankle and it starts all over again. How I miss the days when I didn’t have to take so many pain pills to get relief. There was a think on Twitter that said that tramadol is being abused in some countries because it’s “as potent as morphine”. I had to laugh. I was on tramadol and it was as effective as Tylenol in relieving my pain. It didn’t do shit. I know for some people it works but for me it didn’t help at all.

When I see my MD in December, I am going to ask for two more pills a day for my pain. The NP that I see really doesn’t give a shit about my pain. She just prints out the prescription and basically tells me to have a nice day. This is all in theory because I plan on ending things soon. The only person that can really stop me is my psychiatrist. That is why I am so nervous about my appointment tomorrow. If she feels I need to be in the hospital, I am going to be so screwed.

Being suicidal is a very ambivalent state. You want to die yet you yearn for hope to keep you here. Guilt also keeps you here, when it gets a hold of you. The guilt of those you leave behind who will be in pain from your loss. I wish I never knew about survivor loss and guilt surrounding it. Not knowing about it made having suicidal plans easier.

Train delays and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Train Delays and other things

I got up early, like 0630 early and couldn’t go back to sleep. Pain woke me up and I just decided to start the day as I was hungry and needed to get my disability T-pass renewed. I made breakfast and then caught the bus to the Square to get my espresso. I made it perfectly and went on my way.

I didn’t know what time the office was open to renew my pass so I rode the train until after 0930 had passed. I got to JFK/UMass station and the train got delayed. There was a fire on the tracks at the next stop and the Boston Fire Department stopped trains from passing by that station. I must have waited at least a half hour for things to clear. Then when we got to another station, we were held up again. Unreal. I was regretting my decision to ride the train and should have just got off at Downtown Crossing when I had the chance.

I finally made it to the station and got my pass renewed but they didn’t give me a card. They gave me a temporary pass, which I had to put money on. WTF. I just put money on my card now I had to put more money on this temporary pass. I was pissed. I put $7 on the pass ticket. I was going to vote early but it’s going to eat up money so I am not going to go. I will wait for my pass to come in because it has more money on it. I have until the 4th to vote. I hope the new card comes by then. It’s supposed to take 7-10 days to come.

I made it home and made fish and chips for lunch. I haven’t had it in a while. I started planning out my grocery order for next week. I am going to try not to spend as much as I did last month. Course, I always say that and it never works out. I cleared off some shit on my bed today. I can finally see my comforter. Just a few more things to clear off and then I can change my sheets. I wish this wasn’t a project every time I want to change the bedding. Every time I change my bedding I tell myself not to put stuff on top of my bed but it never works. I guess that is why I am still alive. I can’t keep promises to myself.

Pain has crept up. I had to take two pain pills because it’s above an 8 right now. I think I did too much while getting to where I needed to go today. I stood on the train until a seat became available and I think that is what did me in. Plus, they were doing construction near my bus stop so I got off on the stop before mine. That meant walking a little more than I should have. I had my brace on but my foot was already flared up by then.

When I came home, I was hot so had the AC on even though it was barely 60 degrees out. I waited until I was cold before turning it off. Now I am really cold and want to wear a sweatshirt. I think I am going to take a nap. My mother is going to reheat some chicken soup that is more than a week old for supper. Think I will pass and make a grilled cheese or something.

a midnight ramble about pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A midnight ramble about pain

Guess what? I can’t fucking sleep. I am tired as all hell but my damn foot/ankle is giving me weird pains. I don’t know what to call them as it’s indescribable. I just know it hurts and it’s like it’s pinging because it will start and stop. Then my right ankle is curling up, by itself. That is painful. I had to take an Ativan to calm that shit down. I need to talk to my psychiatrist about this because I am not sure it is a side effect of the trilafon or if it is just a fucking nerve thing because of the nerve damage I have suffered. Either way, it’s not pleasant.

I am so glad my city has early voting starting Monday. I am going to get there, though I haven’t quite figured out how yet. I know where City Hall is but as I can’t walk there, getting there by public transportation involves buses. What fun that is going to be. And tomorrow I need to renew my disability pass for the T or I am going to be screwed come Monday as my pass expires on Sunday. I should have gone today but I didn’t feel like it. I will go tomorrow morning. I just pray they transfer the money that I have on the card to the new card. I don’t want to lose the money I have on it.

I joined a Spoonie chat this evening. It was good but very fast paced. It’s about dealing with life with disability or chronic illnesses. I met some interesting people. Some are able to work, others aren’t. It was a fun chat. Then I tried participating in the PTSD chat but it was weird. No one was commenting or asking questions so I left. I think they were watching a video of the chat and then commenting. I find it hard to tweet and watch so it was better that I left. I won’t go to that chat again.

I had to take some more Neurontin for my pain because of the weirdness in my foot/ankle. I think it’s some kind of nerve pain I am experiencing. I had taken 600 mg earlier tonight but I guess it wasn’t enough so I took another dose of 600 mg along with a pain pill. It was gross. The pain pill was bitter and the capsules of Neurontin have a weird taste to them. I should have taken them separately. Oh well, what is done is done. I know better for next time.

I have decided to grow my hair out or try to. I just need a trim right now. I hope the barber shop can give me one. Otherwise, I will have to see my cousin. I don’t mind seeing him but he smokes and then I stink of smoke afterwards. I hate smelling of smoke.

Therapy, Editing, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I had therapy today, like I do every Wednesday. We talked about what went on last night in greater detail. I told her I basically snapped and she said she was glad I went through the crisis response plan. She think there should be a Pain response plan. I told her they would be the same, except I would be taking medications to ease my pain before calling for help, if need be. She read the blog I sent her and she didn’t think it was stupid. I still think it was stupid. I asked her if she thought I should increase my Zoloft and she said that I had grief mixed in with the frustration of being in pain. I figured she was right. The grief of my father needs to come out somehow though it’s tricky because I really have cried in six months other than the last two days where my pain has been outrageous.

I don’t know how, but we started talking about animals and the funny videos that are on the internet. At one point I couldn’t breathe because I was laughing so hard. There was one video and I will see if I can post it, about this dog that sees a bear statue and gets scared shitless. Then she was telling me about cats that are afraid of pickles. I need to look those up. It was funnier as my therapist was describing this cats because she was worried about the cats getting scared as they jumped so high.

I woke up around 0930 and then made the mistake of going back to sleep. When I woke up two hours later, I felt like shit hit me over the head. I was so exhausted. I needed to go out and get my espresso and something to eat. I went to Starbucks, of course, and after I had my drink and something to eat, I edited my book some. I think the first chapter of the book is pretty good. It captures the essence of what it’s like to live in darkness all the time. It’s by far the longest story of the book so needed the most work. I have 120 pages left to edit. That should be easier because the other stories are shorter.

After I did that, I wrote in my journal for a bit then took the bus home. A smelly smoking guy sat next to me and kept on giving me dirty looks. I was glad when he changed seats. Then he kept on giving me dirty looks like I did something wrong. WTF. I just shook my head. I’m surprised my paranoia didn’t creep up but it didn’t. I kept listening to my music until I got to my stop.

The pain in my foot increased a little when I got home. Nothing like yesterday afternoon/early evening but I took a pain pill before it got worse. My sugar pill experiment didn’t work out, much to my surprise (insert sarcasm). It did absolutely nothing for my pain, can you believe that? I guess it’s not in my head. What a relief. Granted it was just one pill but still…

Don’t know if I mentioned it or not, but I purchased a Harry Potter coloring book and some crayons. The reward to use them is to clear off my bed so I can change my sheets. I have slowly been taking stuff off my bed, as long as my pain levels allow. Last night my mother came to my room and basically told me to do something with my clothes rather than leave them where they are. OK mom, um, I have no place to put them (no bureaus or closet space) so where else should I dump them? It’s bad enough I don’t have a place for my books. I just have them in piles. But my bedding is my priority. I just hope I can do it by the end of the month, or before the bedding decides to make a run for it.