People with depression sometimes do not have a reason for a depressive episode, sometimes they occur without any triggers and even when every part of that person’s life is going well. You do not need a reason to feel depressed. STOP making people feel bad for feeling depressed!!
Tag: schizoaffective disorder
Free Association
Free Association
I am up and in pain so I thought I would write whatever was on my mind. I am tempted to shower but my foot would nix that in a heartbeat. I got 2 hours before my check comes in. I hope I am sleeping by then but something tells me that I am not. I didn’t even have any caffeine today, well nothing stronger than espresso and I only had half a cup. I had a latte around 1430, same time I always have it. Maybe I should make some coffee. I have never had it this late before. What is the latest you ever had coffee that wasn’t because it was work/school related?
My foot really hurts after all the cramping that I had. I emailed my psychiatrist and cancelled my appointment for tomorrow. I hated doing it but I had no choice. I can’t walk. And the appointment was really early. I still haven’t gone to bed yet. I know I should. I am awfully tired but I have this writing bug that if I don’t write, I can’t sleep. Normally I would journal but I thought it would be fun to blog this time.
I took some Neurontin to help me sleep. I tried Skyping a friend but it didn’t work. She had internet problems on her end so she couldn’t hear me. It was a bummer. In addition to showering, I need to brush my teeth. I was going to brush them today but I had the gags all day because I am not feeling well. I think I am going through withdrawal from one of my meds but I don’t know which on. My blood pressure is stable, though I haven’t been taking my meds. I have decided not to take my meds this week. I am in a real fuck it kind of mood. I did take my abilify. I have to take this med or I just go nuts.
Stigma and Ice Cream. I wrote a blog about that. It was a good blog but it was kind of weird because I started off talking about me being a loser in the first paragraph. I think I should cut it out. I want to add to it. And I just saved it instead of saving as. Fuck. Hopefully that won’t matter because I will add to it and it will be longer than what it is now. I will work on it tomorrow when I wake up. Hopefully, I will be in one piece.
We have been trying to get a new fridge for a while now. I am going to show my mother a couple of fridges I found online and see if she will buy one of them. We need a new fridge before our current one dies.
I think I am going to try and go to sleep. I keep typing typos and correcting them and it’s annoying me. I fucking hate that because it interferes with the speed of the typing.
I hope my psychiatrist isn’t going to be mad at me for cancelling my appointment with her. I would go and say the hell with my foot but I kind of need it to walk. And it hurts really bad right now. I don’t think I will be in any condition to leave the house at 0800 to be at her office by 1030 in a good space and pain free. Especially as it’s almost 0230 and I haven’t slept yet. I keep hearing a rumbling of voices outside my window. I know it’s probably the wind but I think someone is trying to talk to me.
So you want to hear something funny? My mother’s doctor was telling her that she had osteoarthritis and she told him no, like he had a screw loose or something. My sister got very frustrated with her. She deals with my mother. I deal with my father. But we are both losing our marbles over the two of them. They have it in their minds what is wrong with them and they are sticking to it no matter what science doesn’t agree with. It’s sad. But funny in way.
I got to seriously call the dentist and make an appointment. I think I have a cavity. I haven’t went in more than a year. But I don’t brush my teeth every day like some people do. I forget to brush my teeth or I just don’t feel like it. I wish the people in the window would stop talking. They are getting really loud.
Still not good
Still Not Good
I quickly took a PRN without the voices knowing about it and took an extra of the abilify that I take. Other than that, I don’t know what else to do. A couple of friends have suggested listening to music but the voices started their death chant with the beats of the music. I can’t stand loud music so I just turned it off. Sometimes listening to silence helps. My mother has gone to bed so I don’t have to hear the blare of the TV. I am glad she went to bed early. My shows are starting their new mid-season premieres and I am not recording them because I have nothing to record them on. I don’t have the heart to throw away the TiVo. I am still hoping for life one of these days with it. I will have to talk tech with the new TiVo guys because I have an old television set without an HDMI so if I need that it’s not going to be worth spending the money on the set.
My therapist never called me. My therapist is looking for a way for us to talk tomorrow. That will be good. I am just so stressed out but a little calmer than I was. I haven’t had many meltdowns but today was just the pits. My psychiatrist just got back to me. Wants to know when I do when I get report of my back. Nothing else was in the email. Guess she isn’t concerned about the damn voices or anything. I knew I should have paged her. But I always think of these things after hours. I wish she said something about the voices that would have comforted me somewhat. Sometimes I think she thinks I make them up or something.
I called my cousin who has bipolar to discuss the SSD stuff but he wasn’t interested. He never is. He just calls me when it’s convenient for him. Then has the nerve to say why don’t I call or where have I been like I have left the country without telling him or something. He is the lazy bastard that won’t take the groceries up the stairs when my mother goes shopping with him.
I hope I don’t have to see the SSD doctors. That will really stress me out. I know they won’t understand about CES or chronic pain. They may even not get PTSD and the like. They usually aren’t good doctors.
I just realized the PRNs I take for my psychosis are more than a year old. Crap. I still have like 15 pills. I don’t take them that often. Voices are worse at night, especially when I am tired and want to sleep. They want to have conversations with me. I woke up at a decent hour, after falling asleep at 0400. I had woken up at 0300. I hope that doesn’t happen again. I’d go to the ER tomorrow if I thought I could scrape by without a hospitalization. But they don’t like to hear when patients tell them the voices are telling you to do things, especially harmful things like take a bottle of pills and lots of them. They also don’t like it when you tell them you rather not wake up in the morning.
I never played the lottery so if my numbers come out, I only have myself to blame. But something is telling me that no one is going to win tonight. Jackpot will be 2 billion dollars and then someone will win.
Quote of the day 27 Nov 2015
The moment that the idea of the possibility of stopping consciousness (popularly called “death”) occurs to the anguished mind as the answer or the way out in the presence of the three essential ingredients of suicide (unusual constriction, elevated perturbation, and high lethality), then the igniting spark has been struck and the active suicidal scenario has begun. Edwin Shneidman, Definition of Suicide
midnightdemons7 
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