Tag: suicidality

So I left tonight’s chat…

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, psychache, suicidality

So I left tonight’s chat

Don’t know if anyone that reads my blog knew, but a 29 year old woman with terminal cancer ended her life today, on her own terms. She basically committed suicide. It got me thinking about Robin Williams and why his death was not treated the same way. He was battling demons we knew nothing about and a medical illness that threw him off the ledge. I don’t blame him for killing himself. It makes me sad, but also makes me happy that he is in a better place than he was in. No one understands why I have such happiness for those who kill themselves. But for this woman, I am having a hard time feeling happiness for her. I am glad she chose the method of her death and she had free will and all. But a part of me doesn’t like that she was an advocate for choosing to end your life with dignity and she took it. So we lost an advocate and that bothers me.

Then I entered the SPSM chat that was discussing this. The current president of the AAS sends out a PDF of Shneidman’s 10 commonalities of a good death. That’s when my suicidality peaked for some reason. Then talking about how depression was a terminal illness just made me snap. I had to get out of the chat room. I could have just left without saying anything but I said something, that today’s topic is too triggering for me. I got some pleasant responses. Then I got a weird one that said that I should be kept abreast of the topic. I was like “Huh”?

I have no one I can talk to about this and so I just decided to write, like I always do when I am in distress or feeling intolerant of my feelings. It helps me to put perspective to my thoughts. I also have been terrified of crapping myself for the past few hours and it has taken it’s toll on me. I have decided that if I crap myself tonight, I am going to take all of my meds, every last pill that I have will be ingested. I have had enough of dealing with the indignity of crapping myself. I can’t live like this anymore. I am only 38 years old. I should be able to control myself but that control has been taken away from me. I am no longer an “anal” person, so to speak. It is draining me being this way. I could cry but why bother. Darkness envelops my soul. I feel like I should not live like this anymore. Isn’t it my right to die? I may not have “good” reasons. I just want to end my suffering, is that so bad? I have no purpose in my life. I have no responsibilities like I did before. The only responsibility I have is to clean my sheets or clean my room, which never gets done because I don’t have the motivation to clean. My mother takes care of the cooking and cleaning, though it kills her to do it. She cleaned the bathroom and it took her almost three days to do it. She did it a little at a time. And I have to do the same or my back goes out. But lately my ankle pain has been worse so I have been having a hard time standing for any length of time. I was given exercises to do to help do something but all they do is cause me pain. I stopped doing them because I hurt so much afterwards. I shouldn’t be in this much physical pain. I have tendonitis in all of my tendons on the outside part of my ankle starting from where the bone is to my feet. There is a tendon called the peroneous that wraps around the ankle and anchors into the foot. Aren’t I lucky that I have aggravated this tendon and the ones surrounding it. The docs don’t know why. But the usual course when they don’t know what to do with you is to send you to physical therapy, like that is the cure all. I am so sick of physical therapy and it hates me. My goofball swelling has returned and it is throbbing like no tomorrow. Yet despite this pain, I am not suicidal over it. I am more suicidal over the fact my bowels have taken a run for the hills and decided not to tell me when they are moving. Usually if I have gas, I know I will soon have a movement. But lately, the stools have been soft and when I fart, the stool comes with them. I have shit myself twice in the last two weeks, both times in bed. The first I was lucky that it didn’t leak onto my bed sheets as I was in bed at the laptop like I am now. The second time, I didn’t even feel myself shit. I just farted and thought that was that. Wrong. I got up and there was a yellow stain on my bed. Fuck. I was wearing black underwear so it didn’t show anything but my pajamas did. I feel like the biggest asshole on the planet. And if it happens again, I want to kill myself. I have stayed away from taking laxatives and fiber pills. Now I will have hard stools that will cause me to bleed but I don’t care. It might also flare up my nerve pain in my ass but I don’t care. That will be the least of my worries. I don’t want to shit the bed again, literally or have another accident. I am lucky I have my menses now so I am wearing a pad. But pads irritate my skin after a while. When I had my menses that lasted for more than six weeks, I thought I was going to go insane. And I was wicked irritated by my clothing (female underwear) and the pads. The elastic in the female underwear was digging into me after a while. I don’t know why. But even my boxer will irritate me after a while too, especially if I don’t shower on a regular basis. And I have been too depressed to keep up with hygiene. I just am a mess. But with my menses, I have been forced to shower nearly every day. But now they are showing signs of stopping so I might be back to my every two days routine.

I have been safe so far tonight with passing gas and not having friends with it but that could change at any moment. It scares me to think that I might shit myself again and not realize it. I bought diapers for when I go out. I refuse to wear them when I am in the house for fear of just wasting them. Thing is, I don’t trust myself anymore and that has been a hard thing to endure. I have gotten used to peeing myself more than crapping myself. No one understands this. No one really knows this, aside from my therapist. I haven’t seen my psychiatrist in more than a month because of my own mobility issues and now she is out of the office because she broke her hip. I miss her really bad. I also feel bad going through what she is going through. She said she needed surgery so that must have been a real bad break. We have been together for twenty years and this is the first time, other than her maternity leave, that we have been apart for an extended period of time. So I this weighing on me as well. I am set with my medications for at least a month. I hope she is back soon but I know that it takes at least 6-8 weeks for a bone to heal. She didn’t say how long she would be out for but my guess is that she will be back after the holidays. This so sucks. My demons are coming back and I don’t have her around to corral them back into outer space. My therapist can only do so much. And lately, we have been on the wrong page of things. I am getting frustrated with the whole talking on the phone all the time. She is ok with it, course she would love to see me in person but I don’t have transportation to go out to where her office is, which is 30 miles away. I am still trying to finagle getting my sister’s car one week and going out to see her but my sister has been so stressed lately that I don’t want to bother her with my needing her car.

Closing thoughts: I feel a little bit better since writing this out. I love having a blog that I can write my nonsensical thoughts out. I still feel ashamed about myself but I know it will go away in time. I hope it will anyways.

Pain relief and oblivion

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain relief and oblivion

I have been staring at my computer screen for some minutes and have not done a damn thing but stare at it. Not so much as scroll through Facebook. I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I have no motivation to do anything and all I want to do is sleep. Except that I forgot I had a doctor’s appointment and ran to it, literally. If I missed this appointment I would be without pain meds.

I am having scheduling issues with him again for a month so I can see him again so he can complain about my weight. I am so sick of him talking about my weight. If I was an able bodied person, this wouldn’t be an issue. I would walk so that I can maintain my weight or lose it but I can’t walk so there lies the rub. I was close to crying when I was on my way home because he just doesn’t get how immobile I am. It hurts to so things and even when I don’t do things it hurts. Now he wants me to see two new docs. WTF I am tired of seeing new docs because I have to regale them with the sad story of where I have been the last two years of my life and why I am no longer working. I thought I did good finding an ankle doc at a place I see him, but no. Wrong type of doctor. HUH??? He specializes in the ankle and I have an ankle problem so what is the problem?? The whole appointment made me sick to my stomach. And that brought up the whole heartburn so now I have to be on another stomach medicine in addition to the one I currently take. Just lovely. Just pile on the meds. Not like I am not taking a handful as it is. Between my psych meds and my blood pressure meds, it adds up. And so does the prescription costs. This month is again finagling the bagel and I can’t rob Peter to pay Paul this month so I don’t know what I am going to do. I really wish my book sales were more successful than they are now. I really could use the extra cash.

I basically have no therapy this week because of all the appointments with my father this week. This sucks. I am trying to see if she has an evening time on Thursday but I doubt it. She wants me to see her at 1130 but I have to be where my father is around 1230. Hard for me to be in two places at once. It sucks but we might have a check in today if time allows.

I talked with one of my sisters today. She sounded more frustrated than I am about my ankle and the doctors not being able to do anything for me. But then, she doesn’t know much about medicine. I just wish my doc would understand that I have nerve damage in my ankle and foot caused by the two back surgeries that I had. But then, that is the easy answer, least for me. Thing is, I have been so depressed lately that I can’t do much. I left the house exhausted to see the doc and came home more tired than I left. It’s awful but then I am waking up at 4-5-6 in the morning, in pain. He said that I am stuck in a cycle and partly I am. I wish I could walk more so that it could help my mood but walking kills me. I am feeling so stuck it’s not funny. And with my financial situation this month, I might not have Starbucks funds to actually go out and get coffee, even if I felt up to it.

My doc asked if I was suicidal today. I told him no. I haven’t felt suicidal since I left the hospital. I have been engaging in some risky behaviors, like mixing alcohol with my pain medication. I am at my wits end so I do stupid things. When you are in chronic pain you will do anything to get relief. I know I am taking a huge chance of doing harm to myself but lately I just don’t care. I want pain relief and oblivion.

Sunday hurt blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday hurt blog

I spent the morning dealing with my father. He had a visiting nurse come see him and she was all fucking stupid over his blood level. I was like, he hasn’t taken the drug in almost a week, of course the level is low!! But she needed a MD, a doctor, to explain it to her. Fucking moron.

Then I get home and as I was filling a pan with water I got dizzy. My mother sees this and then comments saying, what are you dizzy from working? FUCK YOU, I wanted to say to her. You know I was going to ask her for 5 bucks because I need it but I think I am going to stick it where it will really hurt her, my check that I give her. I will take $50 off it every time she is disrespectful to me. See how she likes that. She thinks she is being cute, be cute. You will end up with NOTHING and then I laugh. Thanks for being concerned and everything. Damn bitch. I never give her smart remarks when she is feeling ill. Nor would I. I am just so sick of both my parents being disrespectful to me.

OMG the dog from hell is barking in my neighborhood again. I wish I knew where this pooch lived so I could call animal control and have them silence the dog. There should be a law saying that a dog shouldn’t be out in public areas for 16 hours a day! That is just cruel!! I really just want a muzzle put on the yapper. Stupid fucking dog, and they always seem to put the dog out when I want a nap. Fuckers.

I am just in a pissed off mood today. I didn’t sleep too well and I had to get up early for my father’s bullshit appointment. I have one day where I have a reprieve from him. Then I got to deal with him on Tuesday again. Just shoot me, please??

Because I missed my psychiatrist’s appointment, I don’t have one in the books. She hasn’t answered my email and I am getting ticked off. But I know this is the game we play. I email her a thousand times until she answers. Then I go to voicemail, then I go to paging her. Just to get another appointment. I wish I could just call the office but she does her own scheduling. Another annoyance. Is it gin o’clock yet?

I have been drinking gin a little more than I should and I don’t really care. I need an escape hatch. I nearly killed my father, unintentionally and I feel it is my fault he developed an ulcer. If I kept on his medication, this probably wouldn’t have happened but God knows when the last time he ran out of his medication. Now I got to deal with his PCP, who is clueless about the current events. I will do that after I had a chance to talk to my sister about her car availability. If not, I don’t know what I am going to do. Probably have him switch to another PCP in Boston. I don’t know if that is going to happen soon or not. I’ll have to find out on Tuesday because Monday is a holiday. UGH.

I am feeling really stressed out about having to take care of my father’s medical issues. I don’t know if it’s because I have been in pain more I just can’t handle stress the way I used to, or what. My leg is killing me as I am writing this and all I want to do is take a nap. I just wish the pain would stop so I could think a little more clearly. Pain is just inhibiting my vulnerability and I don’t like it. But there is nothing I can really do about it. I just hate feeling vulnerable.

Therapy Woes

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Therapy woes

I had my session with my therapist today and not for nothing, she is a complete air head. I kept telling her I was pissed at HER and she was rubbing it off on my family members, like they were the source of my being mad. Then she was convinced that Jack was the source of the being pissed. I told her I was mad because you didn’t text me back yesterday. I felt that was a legitimate reason to be mad. I texted her at 0730 and there was plenty of time for her to text me a message that she was unavailable. It would only take a couple seconds, well with her maybe a few minutes, but still. Common courtesy. She says she doesn’t text. Bullshit. Most of our communication about sessions are about texts so how can she NOT text. She is just being naïve and that pissed me off more. Most she could have said was that she was too busy and didn’t have the time to text me back. That I might have accepted. But she didn’t. She read my other texts from that day. She read part of the blog I sent her so I know she got my texts.

I then cancelled tomorrow’s session as I am done with her for the week. Our next session isn’t until next week. She doesn’t like it but tough. She was trying to talk me into keeping it but I was against it. I am just so pissed off I don’t want to talk with her. And it is against her. I am tired of feeling like this is a one-way street, I give her input but she never returns it, and I am not just talking about getting back to me about the appointment. I feel like I give her so much and I just get so little in return. Nothing I write about gets acknowledged or validated, least not without some prompting. Most I get is, “yea, I read your text”. So I am left with what am I supposed to do when I feel like that again. I just have to figure out every thing on my own, why bother with therapy? She is just being so useless lately. All last week she just kept on harping on my father and losing spoons. That was what we chatted about ALL THREE SESSIONS. It was like a repeat button on all the days we were talking. I am thinking of sending her this blog but what would be the point? She reads how I feel and then what? We deal with her anxiety over the fact she is clueless about treating me all of a sudden? She still wants Jack to come out and she thinks that is what is causing me to be angry but it is not, not 100% anyways.

I have to deal with my father on Tuesday and I don’t want to be in a public place when we talk. I have no idea when the appointment is, as I will find out on Thursday. I missed the call and I figured might as well wait till Thursday so my father is informed that he has to see another doctor for his problem. I really don’t want to be squeezed with time as I have no idea how long this appointment is going to last. Specialists are rarely on time with appointment schedules. Even the doc he will see on Thursday runs late all the time.

So with Tuesday being out, I have a week of no therapy. Maybe this break will be what I need to regroup and think about where to go from here. I don’t know what I am doing in therapy anymore. I told her today that I wanted to quit therapy and she was like you can’t make that decision when you are angry. Fuck. I can’t stand her. I guess I am wanted her to be reciprocal in what we talk about but I guess that is not going to be the case. We seem to be always talking about apples and oranges lately and I think talking on the phone is the problem. She doesn’t pick up things when I talk but I do pick up things when she talks. She just isn’t as insightful as I she once was. I don’t know when this happened. Maybe it’s been there all along and I just never picked it up until now. But it’s pissing me off going through stuff and not being heard. Like I told her, Saturdays seems to be a bad pain day for whatever reason and I will think about ending my life. Did she offer any resources to deal with this? NO. Did she even acknowledge my suicidality surrounding this? No. So now that I don’t have my therapist to text to anymore, I have decided to use twitter for my venting. I know it leaks to Facebook, but I don’t care. Most people on twitter don’t listen to what I say anyways, despite having over 200 followers. If I am not going to get an acknowledgement from her, at all, I might as well seek other sources of validation. I know I am a nobody. I am not famous in any sense of the word. Funny that the song by Luke Bryan, “Do I”, came on my MP3 shuffle just now. Song is fitting. “Do I just need to give up and get on with my life? Baby, do I?” that line seems to resonate with me right now. I just want to know if I am still good enough for therapy or if I should be turned away and get on with my life. Even if I do send this to my therapist, there is no way I can know if she reads it or not. I won’t know until the next time I talk with her. It’s not like she is going to text me or anything. She couldn’t even pick up the fact that I was crying on the phone today. WTF. Seems I have been doing that a lot lately.

It will really suck having to stop therapy and go see someone else. But I don’t know what to do anymore. Seems like after my hospitalization things have gone downhill. And I don’t know what to do to make things uphill anymore. She talks and talks and hardly listens. Then when she does listen, I have to make sure she is still on the line because things are so quiet on her end. For all I know I am talking to thin air and I think that sometimes I am. She is just not on the same page with me anymore and frankly, I don’t even think we are reading the same book. It is really frustrating the hell out of me.