Tag: suicidality

a meaningful quote

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A meaningful quote

Life’s most persistent and urgent question is, what are you doing for others?
Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

A dear friend of mine posted this on her blog and I found some meaning in it. What am I doing for others? Lately, I feel like all I am doing is taking care of my family with their needs and not taking care of my own. I don’t even know if this blog is helpful anymore. I rant more about my chronic pain than about my depression and suicidality. Or I whine about my therapy troubles. I guess I just don’t find meaning in my life anymore.

I texted my therapist today to check her voicemail. I really want to talk to her this week. We have a lot to discuss. I am not sure we can do it all in one session but I am hopeful we can. It’s just important to me that I voice my feelings to her and if she can’t hear me then I guess it really is time to move on. Except, I won’t be seeing someone new because I have an end date. I have decided that if that the Pats win their AFC game, I will extend my date by one week. No reason to spoil my sister’s Superbowl weekend.

Today is the last day of my care for my niece. My sister is returning from Aruba tonight. I just have to put my niece to bed and then I can go up to my room. I am going to try and change my sheets. I meant to do it yesterday but wasn’t in the mood. I had coffee so I won’t be returning to sleep. The Casi Cielo is really strong enough to keep me awake. This coffee is so good. I love it. So with the energy I have, I should be able to clear my bed off and change my sheets. That is the one goal I have for the day.

This is the first morning that I didn’t wake up in pain. This is good. Maybe I can accomplish my goal. I kind of want to wait till my mother leaves the house before going upstairs. That will be in about an hour from now. I hope I don’t get the sleepies or nothing is going to get done. My mother wants me to do an errand for her. We’ll see if that happens after I change my sheets. Usually I am wiped out after this task. Having a twin mattress was so much easier than a full one. But at least half my bed is my “office” and the other half I can sleep in which would be impossible with a twin size mattress.

I am feeling ambivalent about seeing my psychiatrist this week. I really don’t want to go but I know that if I don’t, I probably will have to call her. When I see her, I am going to tell her that I don’t have to be seen weekly. Hopefully, she will agree. I know she is worried about me right now, and it’s not like I haven’t given her a reason to be worried. I just really don’t want to go into Boston.

MLK Birthday 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

MLK Birthday 2017

Today is the observance of MLK Jr.’s birthday. Sadly, the President-Elect is not doing a damn thing about it because of “schedule conflicts”. Makes me sick.

I have been in an irritated mood for most of the day. Someone had posted a link on Twitter about how they created a Yelp page to rank psych hospitals. While that is all well and good, the patients needing care there might not get it because of distance, insurance issues, or bed unavailability. Most likely, it will be because of bed unavailability. Also, during a crisis, the patient doesn’t always have a choice as to where they will go.

I voiced my opinion on the matter and some administrator in the tweet said that “change is possible”. To which I replied, how as there is a bed crisis right now?? These administrator have no fucking clue how the mental health system really is for patients. And why would they? They aren’t the ones spending hours, sometimes days, in the ER waiting for a bed. It drives me fucking crazy. And then a social worker that I know and have dealt with many times, throws in his opinion which squashes mine, making me look like an idiot. UGH. I just wanted to scream. He is all for outpatient treatment, while I was discussing inpatient treatment. Big difference. I got so damn frustrated.

So then I leave the house with my niece as I thought we wanted burritos. I did anyways. I asked her at the bus stop if she was hungry and she said no. What do you mean no when we are going to get burritos?? I wanted to go back home but I really wanted a damn burrito so we went to the Square. I got more coffee at Starbucks (just to add to my agitation) and got the damn burrito. We took them home to eat. We had just missed the bus from the Square so decided to walk to the next one that was 0.4 miles from where we were. I was exhausted by the time we reached our destination and my ankle wasn’t too happy either. There was a creepy guy at the bus stop and luckily he got on a different bus than the one we were going on. Thankful for that.

I had to get milk and the paper at Walgreens so we stopped there before coming home. I wanted to get Fruit Loops but it was too expensive. I wasn’t going to pay nearly five bucks for a 10 ounce box. That is just ridiculous. So my cereal craving will have to keep craving.

Now I am home and I am not doing a damn thing other than eat my burrito. My niece did soon as we got home. I don’t think she likes eating in public places and that is why she said she wasn’t hungry. She has anxiety so I understand.

I don’t think my therapist is in the office today because I haven’t heard from her. More anxiety for me. I hope to hear from her tomorrow. I really hope I can have a chat with her. I just feel hopeless because another therapist has decided they can’t work with me anymore. It just makes me feel like a hopeless case and that I can’t be helped so why bother trying. If she acts like a fink and refuses to give me a time this week to talk things over, I’m just going to cancel the appointment next month and say goodbye to her. It’s not worth the aggravation anymore of trying to help myself when I get no help from a professional.

Protected: to be or not to be, that is the question

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Pain Filled Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain filled Monday

I woke up in some serious pain this morning. I took my regular pain meds and waited to nod off back to sleep. As I was lying down, my pain intensified. It was the barbed wire type pain only responds to the strong pain pill. It was around 0800 in the morning and already my day was turning to hell. I reluctantly took the pill because what choice did I have. It was either be in pain all day or not. I chose not. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house. It was freezing out anyways.

I woke up and was hungry. I had a protein bar because I didn’t feel like making something to eat. Least not yet anyways. A few hours later I was really hungry and seeing as I was in pain and didn’t give a fuck (my normal pain had returned, lucky me), I made a deep dish pizza. I also had some Oreos but I limited myself to four.

Last night I decided to email my psychiatrist the letter I wrote her last week. She responded and thanked me for sharing it. I don’t know what is going to happen on my appointment come this Friday. I am really nervous about it. I don’t know what she is going to say when I meet her in person.

I had to cancel my car reservation to see my therapist on Wed because my mother’s phone is down and the technician can only come out during the time I would have to leave Boston. Seeing as I only have a working phone right now, if they call and need access to our line, I will have to let them in because my mother can’t hear the doorbell nor could I call her to let her know the tech is there. Oh well, I will just have to have a phone session. I will reschedule once I have a better idea on where our relationship is going anyways.

I can’t believe my ankle has been bothering me for almost a full 24 hours. Soon as my pain meds wear off, it starts up again. It’s driving me nuts. I just took more pills. I take my night meds in about an hour, might be sooner than that because I want to go to bed soon. I swear if I wake up in pain tomorrow morning, I am going to call my doc and be placed on a different medication. I just can’t live like this anymore, I really can’t. I’m doing my best not to attempt suicide but this pain is really testing my limits and patience.

I got the first sale of my book today. My little cousin bought a signed copy and I received the money today. She sent me a sweet little note with it. I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail out the books. I also need to get more mailers. I like the ones the post office have because they’re more sturdy than the ones at Walgreens.