Tag: suicidality

agitated, hot, and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, hot, and irritable

It’s 11 degrees out but it’s like 90 in my room. I have turned down the heat some but the radiator still kicks on because it is so cold out. I tried opening my window but it wouldn’t budge. I will have to see if my brother in law can open it as he shut it last when he took my AC out of it. I just need some cold air because I am frying like an egg. I hate being hot. It makes me irritable!

I was talking with a friend tonight because I was having some mental difficulties. She couldn’t help because she didn’t know how. I rather her say that than say stupid things. It just annoys me. I got really agitated because the voices were loud and I couldn’t quiet them down. My pain is through the roof, which isn’t helping matters. Trying to get the window open did it no favors either.

Am I really that difficult for people to get what I am saying and try to help me? Even my therapist doesn’t know how to help me anymore, and she has had professional training. I just don’t get it. It makes me annoyed and also makes me feel hopeless. I think the only person that really gets me is my psychiatrist. She gets the pain that I am in and the depression and psychosis. She understands me. So why can’t other people??

I think I am going to send the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist to her. See what she thinks. I know I will be walking a fine line because the letter is very suicidal. She doesn’t know that I have made out my will. Actually, no one knows except the blog world now. I think I wrote it before I wrote my psychiatrist that letter. I see her on Friday so I think she knows that I won’t be doing anything between now and then without talking to her about it first. She has a lot of trust in me and I would be an idiot to try something and lose that trust.

Thing is, if I send the letter, she will know my suicide date and that might be a problem for me. I still am thinking about going through with my plans. I know that I might lose her trust but if I am dead, that won’t matter much to me. If I don’t succeed, then there is a huge problem. I will be screwed if I live. That’s why I got to make sure that what I take, will indeed kill me.

Wow, for the first time all day, my ankle and foot are not hurting. I guess all the meds I took have finally worked. Maybe now I can finally catch some zzz’s. I just hope I sleep through the night and not wake up every few hours. That will just suck a lot. I got things to do tomorrow so I can’t be sleeping all day. I sent my friend a pic of my foot while it was flaring. She said it was huge. I said yea and when it really hits the highs, all my veins pop out, which it did a few minutes after I sent the pic. I knew it was going to be aggravating night for sleep once that happened.

Well, if I am going to send that letter, I might as well do it now because I am falling asleep. Later guys and gals.

Pain is at it again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain is at it again

I was talking with a friend of mine late after my babysitting duties were over. I started to fall asleep on her so I told her goodnight. I started to drift off a bit soon as my head hit the pillow. My arm started feeling like spaghetti. My foot was throbbing like someone was beating it with a hammer. I wasn’t sleepy anymore. I took an Ativan for the spaghetti feeling. I had already taken my night time dose of pain meds so I can’t take another dose for at least two hours. Sitting up has already relieved some of the pain.

I feel restless and hopeless. One of my Twitter friends, and I use that term lightly, was in trouble tonight. I tried talking to her but she really just wanted to think about suicide as a way to end her pain. There was nothing I could say to convince her otherwise. It got me thinking about my own suicidal feelings. I am about four weeks away from my proposed plan. I don’t know if I am going to go through with it or not. And I don’t know if someone would be able to talk me out of it either. I am feeling really hopeless about things right now. Pain is not helping me think clearly, that I know.

I need to call my friend tomorrow. He has invited me to go south of Boston to meet up with some friends of ours for a school play. I don’t want to go because it just exhausts me and I am in pain the next day or that night into the next day. I just can’t tolerate pain anymore. I really want to see my friends but I don’t want to be in pain. It’s a huge juggling act and I lose out and so do my friends because they want to see me. I feel bad because I am missing out but I got to take care of myself. The more I am in pain, the more my suicidality rises. I just can’t stand it anymore.

After my babysitting duties, I decided to shower. It felt good to be clean again. But I was very cold as there was no heat in the bathroom. Our heater broke before the summer and the replacement doesn’t do a very good job. It’s on for about fifteen minutes and then shuts off. It sucks. My brother in law is stubborn about fixing it. He thinks that is the way it’s supposed to work. You can’t tell him anything.

Okay, I am going to try this thing called sleep again. I hope I succeed. If not, I will be back!

Random 901

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 901

I went to the Square and had my Starbucks. I also had a protein bar with my espresso. I didn’t have any protein drinks but I am trying to be good today. I wrote in my journal for about an hour before I had to leave to go to my psychiatrist’s appointment. I had to go to the bathroom by the time I got there. Unfortunately, the disabled stall was taken so I had to use a regular one. I almost fell off the toilet as I sat down because I forgot how low they are. I hate using a regular stall but my bladder couldn’t wait.

I had about fifteen minutes before my appointment and my psychiatrist wasn’t on time, as usual. I didn’t mind waiting. It gave me some time to prepare what I had to say. She got me from the waiting room and told me she was shocked I was still in one piece. I told her my ankle is still sleeping, though I had a few slips today as the sidewalks were a little icy. Luckily, I didn’t fall. We talked about the week and the letter I wrote her. I wasn’t in a good mood all week and said I was suicidal again. She wanted me to consider the hospital but I can’t go in because I have babysitting duties next week. She wanted to know what to do to help me and I guess I just said, increased contact so we are meeting next Friday.

After the appointment, I caught the bus home and went to the grocery store to buy a cake for the party tonight. The selections weren’t that great so I chose a small cake. My sister didn’t like it but oh well. No one really eats cake anyways and she had an ice cream cake so the two should be plenty. I then went to Walgreens to do an errand for my mother. On the way home, the handles on the bags broke. Wonderful. I had to carry the bags carefully before they really ripped. By the time I made it up to my room my ankle had enough of me walking all over the place. It flared up so now I am stuck in my room.

My mother made mac and cheese for dinner and I had some. My ankle didn’t like me going downstairs but I was hungry as all I had to eat was that protein bar earlier in the day. Then it was giving me fits as I tried to hobble around the kitchen. I just came back to my room and will be staying here until the pain lessens. I already took my pain meds so I will be taking a nap soon. I need one.

I decided not to go to the post office today because I had to do all these errands and go to my appointment. I will go tomorrow if I am feeling okay. If not, there is always next week. I also need to buy more mailers. I meant to do that today and forgot. I like the ones from the Post office because they are sturdy and weigh less than the ones at the store. Plus it’s the perfect size for my book.

A day gone to hell

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A day gone to hell

I woke up not feeling good. I was a little nauseous after dealing with the stupid phone company to turn my phone back on. I then had a shake, thinking it was because I was hungry but the shake just made the nausea worse. I figure I would skip the diet today and have real food. I went to Starbucks and had a breakfast sandwich and my espresso. I started to feel dizzy and then sick so I waited for the next bus to come before heading home. The dizziness got worse on the ride home. I knew I was in trouble.

I got home and there were packages on my door. They were heavy and I knew I couldn’t carry them up the stairs without passing out so I took them in the house and then went upstairs. My mother was in the middle of a coughing fit and needed water. I quickly got her some. The dizziness was coming and going. I needed to go to my room and relax. I made it up the stairs without incident and then took some meds and laid down. All this did was set off my ankle pain. So in addition to my head ready to explode, my ankle bone was being pounded by an imaginary hammer. I took some pain meds and prayed for death at this point.

The migraine went away but then I was left with a residual headache. Took some Excedrin for that and I still don’t have relief but at least I can tolerate light. I also took some more Zofran as my stomach was still queasy. It’s quieting down but I still feel sick. I don’t want my ankle to act up again so I am just lying still and praying the pain goes away and that the pain meds don’t make me sicker than what I am.

All of this is not helping my suicidality. I wish there was a way for me to get arsenic pills or hemlock. That would be easier than the unknown of taking a bunch of pills and praying for death that may not come. I never should have gotten rid of the lethal meds I had in my possession at one point. I thought my suicidality would be over with once my pain meds were increased and I had adequate coverage every month. Stupid me for thinking that. Bargaining is my worse enemy. I don’t know why I bother hoping for things anymore when I know things are going to be the same or worse than what they are.

I can’t stand being in chronic pain anymore. And if my doc decides to prescribe me the extended release medication I would like, I have to finagle the bagel to afford it for a few months. That is if I want to live that long. I wanted to send a letter to my psychiatrist about my plans. But I am scared she might flip out on me. I see her Friday. I can try and talk about it then. I won’t bother telling my therapist because she won’t be my therapist that much longer.

I took an Ativan so my PTSD doesn’t flare up on me with all this pain. I’m already starting to feel anxious, which isn’t doing me any favors. I am glad I didn’t finish my coffee. I keep burping it up. I hope I don’t puke. But I need to lie down before my head explodes or I just pass out from my pain meds. I need sleep. But I am scared my ankle pain will increase once I lie down. Such a dilemma. I really don’t want the imaginary hammer to come back, pounding on my ankle bone. That wasn’t pleasant. It literally took the breath out of me it hurt so bad. Such is this stupid pain syndrome without a name.