Tag: suicidality

New Year’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

New Year’s Day 2017

I woke up in pain and it immediately put me in a bad mood. I took some meds and checked my messages on my phone. Mostly they were emails and some FB messages as my phone is still off. It’s so frustrating. I have to wait two more days for my phone to be turned on. After I checked my messages I went back to sleep. It was difficult because my loud mouth sister came up to wish my mother a Happy New Year. Then she kept calling me through the What’s up app, which I couldn’t figure out how to answer the call. It kept giving me some kind of stupid message and I don’t understand it. She’ll have to give me a tutorial before she leaves for her trip.

I went back to sleep and thought it was only a few hours I slept. It was more than that. I woke up around 1400. So much for want to do something today. I reheated some Chinese food as I need to eat as much as I can. Tomorrow I am going on a diet and I can’t eat the stuff. I was hungry so I finished the orange chicken and a bowl of rice. Then an hour later I had some more rice. I am full now.

I found out that my friend’s step dad was taken off life support. I wish him a peaceful passing. He was a great guy. I am going to miss him.

Last night as I was in mad crazy pain and couldn’t sleep, I wrote my psychiatrist an email but I wrote it in word doc first. I didn’t send it because if she tried calling me, she wouldn’t be able to get a hold of me. That wouldn’t be good. I basically was honest with her about how I planned on ending my life some time soon. I don’t know how she is going to take this news but we’ll see. Probably not good. I read the last bit of it as I sent it to a friend to read over and I didn’t like the ending so I need to change it. It’s a work in progress and I have time to change it. I see her this Friday so I can bring the letter with me as there is no guarantee that she will read the email before I see her.

I’m not going to let my therapist know of my plans. We are ending and there is no point. I will see her next week and will hash things out. My feelings on the matter haven’t changed. I am going to miss her. I still can’t believe we are over. She will be my last therapist. I have made the decision not to continue with anyone else. It’s just too painful to be talking with someone and then it not work out. She was a great supporter in the things that I did. I just wish she was more of a therapist than a friend.

Christmas 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Christmas 2016

Merry Christmas to all my readers that celebrate it. Happy Hanukah for my Jewish readers and Happy Holidays to those that celebrate other holidays that I don’t know about!

It’s been an interesting day. I had a difficult morning and I still feel wicked sad about it. The grief for my father has been overwhelming the events of the morning, just making everything worse. I still feel weepy at times.

I had Christmas dinner with my family. I really didn’t want to go but my sister threatened to drag me if I didn’t so I went reluctantly. After dinner and desserts, I started to feel really sad and felt like crying so I said good-bye to all and came back to the comfort of my room. I was talking with my nephew. He looked like he was really depressed. He might have been tired. I am not sure which. I felt bad for him. We talked about stuff but nothing in great detail. I am sure he misses his grandfather like I was missing him. It’s the first Christmas without my father so it’s the hardest.

I never watched the movie last night. I was talking with a friend through FB and then it was time to take my meds. I felt sleepy so I told her goodnight. A few hours later, I was still up and wanted to talk to someone so I PM’d her to see if she was still awake and wanted to chat. She was so we talked some more. My meds kicked in and I finally fell asleep. I had told her good night again before doing so.

I completed my reading challenge last night. I read 23 books this year. I really wanted to read 40 but this year was not the year for it. I think I am going to read Harry Potter and the Cursed Child next. It should be easy as it’s all dialogue. Maybe I will end up with 24 books read if I finish it by New Years Eve.

Man, I had a sip of some spiked eggnog and got a wicked headache. It tasted more like a Pina colada. I didn’t like it at all. I like coconuts but not as a flavor.

I’m going to write my will soon. I have decided to end things in the coming year. I just am deeply upset over things that happened this morning and what was said and done cannot be undone or unsaid. Two bad days in a span of 48 hours have really taken a toll on me. I need to finalized things. I know what needs to be done because I had the experience with my father’s death. I don’t know when I will die, probably when I feel things are settled. I will go on like I usually do so my family doesn’t have a clue. If they read this blog, I don’t care. They are not living my life. They don’t know the amount of pain that I deal with on a daily basis. They don’t know how deep my depressions run. I am tired of explaining why I won’t see this doctor or that. I know they don’t have answers for me anymore. If 15 doctors can’t figure out what is wrong with me but 3 have told me that I have CRPS then that is good enough for me. Trouble is, there is no real treatment for it other than opioids. And I am tired of taking them around the clock.