Tag: suicide ideation

my heating system sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Today started off ok. I got my niece ready for school and walked her to school. We took the way I normally take because there are no inclines or hills, which is normally good for my foot. But I guess all the up and down stairs yesterday and the few that I did today to get my clothes finally took its toll. My ankle and three toes are aching like no tomorrow and feel like I have my foot submerged in a bucket of ice water. I have it wearing a sock and under 3 blankets. There is no warming this foot up and frankly, I don’t want it warm because I will be in more pain. It will get warm then VERY HOT, like it is on fire. Happens all the time. The weather is very cold today even though the weatherman says it is 56 degrees. They are lying as Google just told me that it is 42 degrees. It is so cold in my room, despite the heat being on, that I think my radiator finally shit the bed. It was hot last week. I don’t know what happened. Maybe I didn’t turn the heat up high enough. My heating system sucks. It has to be the worse heating system on the planet. The only way to get it to turn on is putting it higher than 70 degrees. Then the house melts, you lower it and it stays warm for a little while. I am not as cold as I was earlier but it doesn’t matter. My foot has its own heating/cooling system since it has nerve damage. That is why I try to keep it as warm as possible during the colder months of the year. It is not easy as even in the summer it will be cold. I have to wear socks 90% of the time. I miss being barefoot but I just can’t risk getting my foot cold, especially as we have ceramic tile floors. They get REALLY cold, and fast.

I did nothing this weekend but vegetate. I needed some time away from the blog and my book. I got wicked stressed out Friday and didn’t want to risk another psychotic break so I stepped back. I had to for my own sanity. I thought I would be able to get back to editing today but I didn’t sleep very good last night and then had to wake up early for the kiddos.

Today’s WordPress challenge is about Dear Abbey. I thought about posting a good piece of advice but that is not what my blog is about. Most I have is to have a good therapist that is willing to work with you, and that goes for all professionals, from doctors to physical therapists. If the doctor already has it in his mind about you before you walk in the door, see someone who has a brighter bulb in their head. It is hard for chronic pain patients to get treatment because these doctors have been sidelined by the fake patients who say their back hurts and get pain medication just to use it illegally or to sell it. But the sad part is that these pain patients are undermedicated sometimes which leads to possible overdoses because they cannot get a flare up under control. I know, I have been there. I might not overdose myself all the time, but when I do, it is for a good reason. And that reason is PAIN. I don’t mean overdose in the sense I take the bottle. NO I DO NOT DO THAT, though I may be thinking that. I mean that instead of my allotment of 4 pills a day, I might take 6 or 8 a day. Fortunately for me, those 6 or 8 pills a day are far and wide in between. My doctor trusts my judgment. I am fortunate that he does otherwise I would be six feet under, NO JOKE. And it all stems from that day that I saw a chiropractor to adjust my spine and she ruptured my disc, permanently disrupting my life forever. I always will have nerve damage. I always will have weakness in my foot. It might not be visible to the world but I can assure you it is felt every single day. My minimum pain level is always a 3 on a scale of 1-10. That is what I live with on a daily basis and my surgery is coming up on 13 years. So that is why my heating system in my foot is all messed up.

school shooting and other stuff

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

Well, like very year, it is one extreme temperature or another. We had mild weather last week and today we are dipping close to freezing. Some places had snow or frost this morning! And it’s not even Halloween yet!

My mood has been bleak the past few days. Tuesday I had a rough night of pain so was popping pain pills until I got relief or passed out. Then I was hungover most of yesterday so was not able to blog at all. I was too foggy brained and slept most of the day.

I had therapy yesterday and my therapist asked how my suicidality was. Frankly, I don’t know anymore. I know I don’t want to live but yet I have no plans of making that happen. I stopped the scheming and planning a while ago. I haven’t really felt suicidal in any sense of the word for over two weeks now. I feel that if I talk about it, it might come back so when she asks me about it, I generally say no but she doesn’t believe me. Course I have been suicidal nearly every day for the past 9 years so how could she believe that my suicidality has suddenly cease to exist. I don’t know what brought over the change. Maybe because I am not psychotic anymore, the suicidal feelings went away with the increase in medication too. Not really likely, but it is possible. I don’t feel any different. I don’t feel horrendously depressed and I don’t feel happy. I just feel nothing. Just a blank slate. My mood is dependent on other things. My taste buds still have not been the same. Yesterday I was having Pad Thai and the voices were telling me that mice were in there. It was hard to eat but I knew it wasn’t true as if there were mice at the restaurant, it wouldn’t stay in business. I know that not all kitchens are perfectly clean but the food tasted the way it should, except for the chicken. I don’t know what my problem is with chicken lately. I either love or hate the smell or can’t stand the taste. Even if my mother makes chicken cutlets, sometimes I can’t stand to eat it. It just taste funny even if it is bought and made that day. So I just ate the Thai noodles. I really just like the noodles but I guess you need to have protein. Maybe next time I will get tofu and just take it out.

I am watching my niece this weekend and I am kind of scared. I never watched her for more than a few hours. My biggest fear is that she won’t listen to me or worse, be late for school because she won’t wake up and do what she is supposed to do. She has a routine that she has to do every day for school days. This is why I am not a parent. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a little one. I hope that it goes well and I am worrying for nothing.

I finally got Pearl Jam’s latest CD. I don’t know how I feel about it. There are only like three songs that I really like and the rest are just ok. I have been listening to Siren’s non stop since I came home.

The day after the school shootings in Nevada, there was another that was closer to where I live. A high school teacher was killed and a student is in custody. I don’t know the specifics of the shooting. I just know that it occurred in a town north of where I live. I feel more upset that this happened in conservative Massachusetts. The state gun laws have changed and yet this kid still managed to get one. Unbelievable. The high school was closed today for grieving. I suspect it is going to be a long year for these kids. When I was growing up, you had to watch out for other kids getting killed not teachers. Gangs were rampant and so were drugs. At least three of my former high school classmates are dead because of drug overdoses. Then there are the ones that are still fighting the addiction. Some of my classmates are doing well today. They have graduated from college to become nurses and businessmen or work in healthcare. Our twenty year reunion is coming up next year. I wonder who will be showing up.

I am just tired. Plain and simple.

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicide, suicide attempt

I have done a lot today. I started the editing process of my book and shouldn’t have added some pieces but then I took away some things, so things evened out a little bit. The page numbers do not correspond to anything right now so I have to go through page by page which is a hassle. The title chapters are becoming clearer so I am happy about that. If I stay on course, I should be ok with a Nov 16th publishing date so stay tuned!!

After the editing, I decided to watch the football game. At half time we were leading 21-13. Or maybe it was 21-17. I don’t know. I was kind of sleepy and not interested in watching the game but felt I had to. I had some French fries for my lunch/dinner and then retired to my room where it is fricken cold. I am waiting for my brother in law to come take the AC out of the window. I just texted him to let him know that I want it done today. I am so proud that he has learned to text. When he got his new phone, he had no clue and thought it was a game. I guess they text him a lot at work and he got a little aggravated one day, saying to my sister that this game just won’t stop. She laughed and said that is the text messaging. He can be a little old fashioned but I love him. He really is a good guy.

It has been good that I am home. I didn’t do too much yesterday as I was so sleepy. I said I was going to sleep for a half hour before the game and the next thing I knew we won and the game was over thanks to Victorino’s grand slam! I can’t believe I missed the game!! I am so mad at myself.

I think I kind of got my therapist worried a little bit. She asked if I was suicidal and instead of giving her an answer, I said that I don’t care, which is true. I don’t care if I am suicidal or not anymore. It’s not like I am going to act on it so who cares! If I was going to act on it, I think it would be more dangerous. So I just don’t care if I feel suicidal anymore. It’s not like they lock you away in the hospital anymore for days on end. In fact, unless you actually act in the hospital to harm yourself, they will just discharge you no matter how bad you say you are going to harm yourself. So I am just DONE with the whole business of it all. And it’s not like she helps me while I am suicidal. She doesn’t implement the SSF or safety plan or any of the other things that will ease the tension of suicidality. She just increases sessions where we don’t really talk about anything. My psychiatrist just relies on me to tell her about my symptoms. If I am not telling her I am having symptoms, then to her, I am fine. I just am so sick of being in a constant suicidal state and not being able to do anything about it. I can’t take my life so why bother being suicidal? I mean I can take it, but it’s too much of a damn hassle. I am tired of the planning that goes into a suicidal plan. I am tired of the contracts for safety telling my therapist I will not act on it no matter how bad I really want to kill myself. I am just tired. Plain and simple.

psychosis and songs

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, psychosis

I was chatting with a fellow blogger tonight about various things and one of the topics that came up was measures to fix the mental health system. 1) there needs to be more funding to keep existing programs open. 2) needs to be a better crisis response across all state hospitals or city hospitals so that people do not resort to suicide because they got left behind. People have the notion that inpatient hospitalizations are a cure all for all types of psychiatric ailments but what they don’t realize is that treatment hardly exists behind closed doors. Sure medication is dispensed but what is needed is therapy on the floors more than what the nursing staff can provide.

I have been struggling the past few days with psychosis and am wondering if I should be in the hospital. I was able to get a hold of my psychiatrist and she allowed me to take my old go to antipsychotic med that I like when nothing else seems to work. I just took it and I hope that it stops this song that is playing like a broken record in my head. The song is sirens by Pearl Jam. It is striking a chord with me a little too well and is “talking” to me, telling me that I should die. I don’t understand why this is happening, though it seems to be the course after every dissociative episode I face. I become purely psychotic after losing time.

I still am under black clouds. Listening to music is helping. I just wish the feeling like nothing would stop. And I still have the heaviness in my chest. The psychache is in full gear. I guess that is why the song is telling me to kill myself.