Tag: suicide

Baseball Movies and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball movies and other things

I watched a League of Their Own tonight. It was not as funny as I thought it would be but it had its moments. I found it really good. Now I want another baseball movie. I took my meds a little while ago so I am not sure I will be able to watch the entire thing. I am thinking Love of the Game will be next. I love Kevin Costner and this game is more baseball than any movie that I have seen so far. I still want to own Bull Durham and Major League. I have not seen these movies. I rather read books. I also want to see Sandlot. I heard that is a funny movie. My favorite actress, Teryl Rothery plays in Sandlot 2. She always has small roles in movies and TV shows. She is a good actress and don’t understand why she doesn’t have a bigger role. She did in Cedar Cove but the show got cancelled after the 3rd season. I am really going to miss watching it.

My back and thigh are competing as to who is going to hurt more. I am so scared that I might go to the ER tomorrow. It’s not like me to have back pain and leg pain at the same time unless something is seriously wrong. But then I have been thinking…if something is wrong, I will most likely need surgery, which will mean that I got CES x 3. I can’t live with that. The rehab is tough and having the surgery doesn’t mean that I will be 100%. Every time I get this syndrome, I lose function in some extremity and it takes me a long time to recover. Last time it occurred, it took me 8 months to have a fully functioning left leg, well I thought it was fully functioning. My ankle didn’t turn out to be fully functioning but no one noticed this. I sometimes lose perception of where my feet are so I need to carry things in one hand while holding on and looking at my feet to see where they are. Otherwise, there is a great chance I could fall down the stairs. I did that a few years ago and it wasn’t pleasant. I want to email my psychiatrist to get her input but she is having surgery for her own problems this week. I don’t know why this shit has to happen on the weekend. The problem started last week with twitching and now has moved to pain. I don’t like this progression. Today I was crapping without having to force myself to. I have no idea if that is normal or not as I am so used to pushing to get shit out. But the shit was flowing, on its own and I felt it so I don’t think I am losing control of my bowels. It’s so damn sad that with everything that goes on, you have to go through a mental checklist to see if you are normal or not. If this didn’t happen then you are fine. If this happens, then you are fucked. I hate this syndrome with a passion. It has you self doubting all the time. And because it’s the damn weekend, you can’t just call and talk to your doctor. You can talk to the doc on call but they don’t know you from Adam and your background.

Part of me thinks I will be okay until Monday. I should have made an appointment for this week so I could at least get scheduled for an MRI. Now I got to wait unless I go to the ER tomorrow. It will suck because chances are I will be there all day. I kind of want to know what is going on yet I don’t. I just know my back is hurting coupled with leg pain and I know that isn’t good. I am also scared that because my back is so messed up, I might have to get a fusion. If that is the case, I will never be able to work again. Every one that I know with a fusion never heals right and always has problems and worse pain than before surgery. I don’t want to go through that. I rather kill myself than go through that.

Mensch

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Mensch

My therapist and I were talking about my suicidality and she called me a mensch. At first, I thought she said wench and I was like wow, she is calling me a bad name for the first time. But when I asked her to repeat it, she said Mensch, with an “m”. She looked it up in her dictionary to find the meaning. I laughed because she had the book not an electronic one on her phone like most people now a days. I sometimes forget they still exist. Anyways, the word mensch means “person of integrity and honor”. I had to look up the spelling of the word (as I had no clue how to spell Jewish words. She said it was a Jewish word.) Leave it to her to call me that when I feel like crap. It does fit me, though I would always be expected to be called something other than that, given how I feel.

Time went slower today in session than it did yesterday. We were talking about how my father always gives me a hard time and just expects me to jump when he calls. He called today and wanted me to go over to his house for his meds as he was out. I couldn’t go because my ankle was a bitch. It was raining anyways, which didn’t help my pain levels at all. I asked my sister to go as she works down the street from him. I told her what he needed for tonight and I would fill the rest tomorrow. She texted back that he was running low on one of his meds. Great. I would either have to call the pharmacy or the doctor’s office tomorrow. I won’t know until I get there. He didn’t care that I was in pain. How typical. All this guy cares about is himself and his needs. Makes me sick.

So my therapist talked about this for a while. We also talked about me not wanting to be around for my birthday that is coming up in a couple weeks. She told me it is unlikely that I will be talking to her that day. Her daughter has a half day of school and she needs to be out of the office to pick her up. She has a short week that week so I don’t know if we can schedule another time. Not that it really matters. I really don’t want anyone making a fuss about it. My family included. They are planning this big party but they aren’t sure where they are going to have it. I don’t even know when or where it is going to be. I told them I would rather just have it with just my immediate family members (my nieces, nephew, mother, father, and sisters) than have it with extended family. But my sisters are not hearing me. It’s making me upset. I rather they do it at my youngest sister’s place when her kitchen is all finished. I’ll still be the same number so what is the big deal? And with me just not wanting to be here anyway, it’s just increasing my suicidality.

I finished off the SSD paperwork and will be mailing it in tomorrow. I wasn’t leaving the house today unless it was burning down. I just hurt too much. My therapist was happy with what I wrote. I just hope that the SSD people see that I am still disabled. I might not have been in the hospital for a year now, but that is the only improvement. I might have to be if this birthday thing gets worse. I was also telling my therapist that I don’t want to be here because of the increase in pain and would try something after I say goodbye to my PCP for the last time. He is leaving the practice and I will be seeing someone I don’t know. I just can’t deal with change and stress. My therapist pointed out that she is not going anywhere and that I can’t leave my pdoc hanging while she is recovering from surgery. Usually her saying these things makes me re-think things about my death but not this time. I think I am in deep constriction and I want a way out. Come to think of it, talking to her the same day as the day I see my PCP will be the last time I talk to her, too. Only thing is, I don’t really have a plan. Going to have to think of one between now and then.

After our session, I took some pain meds as my ankle was really hurting. I was waiting for the session to end to take them because I didn’t want to be loopy Lou while talking to her. I’m still feeling loopy Lou because I haven’t been able to sleep off the meds. I just can’t seem to fall asleep when I lie down. If I am sitting up, I am dozing off but soon as I lie down, forget it, I am awake. I have gotten so used to my pain waking me up and startling me that I think lying down just gives me flashbacks and I am unable to relax enough to sleep. That is why it takes me so damn long to actually fall asleep sometimes. Last night despite me telling Twitter world that I was passing out, it took me at least an hour to actually do so. It really sucks having PTSD.

Quote of the Day 29 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Suicide in theory should never come as a total surprise if one knew enough about the intimate inner life over the entire course of the individual’s psychological history.–Edwin Shneidman, Definition of Suicide

The Struggle is Real

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

The struggle is real

I got papers from the SSA today. I am under review to see if I am still disabled. I might have to see their doctors and the whole process has me very nervous. I am still under a deep depression and still want to kill myself. If that isn’t being disabled, I don’t know what is. I struggle to do most things lately. Just going to my doctor’s office today to get my prescription left me exhausted. I had to take a nap. Then I woke up and I was in more pain than I was in. I think the pain meds wore off. I hate that I have to take them sometimes around the clock to keep the pain in check. I don’t know how I can be seen as “fit to work”. I still have the delusions about the bad people in the Middle East. Just before going to sleep, I was thinking about it and what I would tell the doctor. I don’t think anyone believes my story. If I have to see a physical doctor, I think I would be screwed. I am in pain but not in enough pain during the day. I just hope my mental disability is enough to keep me on SSA.

I have been so depressed lately. I just stay in my PJs all day. I never really get dressed unless I have to go out. It takes me a long time to figure out what I am wearing, even though it’s pretty much the same clothes it was the last time I went out. The weather is somewhat warmer, which is weird for November. It reached 60 degrees F. today. It’s better than the cold weather we had last week.

My cousin has been trying to reach me. He is the one with bipolar disorder and physically healthy but makes me do the damn stairs when my mother goes shopping. He drives me nuts because every time I talk with him, it’s the same thing. He asks me several times how I am doing, then we talk about our money issues or lack there of. The struggle with depression. Then he hangs up. I don’t get it. He left me a message the other night like he hasn’t talked to me in years. It was very strange. I never called him back. I just don’t feel like talking to people. And tomorrow I am supposed to go to my little cousin’s birthday party. I really don’t feel like being around family, especially my mother’s side. If my ankle hurts at all, I am not going. I feel bad for not seeing my other cousin from Texas but I got to take my health in consideration. I have a lot of cousins on my mother’s side of the family. And the family still is growing. My cousin Jonny’s girlfriend is pregnant so there will be another little one around. They don’t stay little forever. I remember when Jonny was little. He is almost 30 now.

I wrote on my papers that I sleep a lot. I just don’t have the energy like I used to. I didn’t even write in my journal when I went out this morning. I brought it with me in case I did, but I didn’t. I always carry it with me because if I don’t, I will want to write. I did write in my “night” journal before I took a nap. I have to write something a little each day so that I am not far behind. Because I use my blog so much as my journal, I sometimes don’t actually write.

I have decided that after this month, I am not keeping up with the Quote of the Day blogs. I am having trouble finding quotes from Shneidman. I could use other authors but I really like Shneidman because it keeps with my blog, which centers around suicidality. I also wrote that on my SSA papers that I am suicidal a lot. I haven’t been in the hospital in a year but that doesn’t mean that I won’t in the future. In fact, I am thinking of going soon because I feel so lousy. But I need to go with my father for some medical appointments so it will need to go after that. My sister will have to do his meds. I don’t care which sister it is. He won’t care that I am in the hospital. As long as his needs are met, that is the important thing. He doesn’t care about me or my issues.

I really don’t want to go to the hospital, only because I take a lot of medication and I am afraid like last time, there will be more to take than what I am currently on. They always split up one of my blood pressure medicines so instead of taking one pill, I take 4. I might bring the bottle with me so that they can use it and I don’t have to take so many pills. I don’t really care that I will be babysat or that at night the idiot will shine a light in my eyes to see if I am alive. I hate that bitch, but whatever. Complaining never does anything. That is if I get on the unit I want. Last time I had to wait and actually go to the hospital to get a bed there. That meant hauling my stuff via the public transportation system. It was rough. I only had two bags but they were full. This time I might bring a suitcase so I just carry one bag. I hate packing for the hospital. But for whatever reason, it “knocks” me into staying longer. Only thing that will suck is that I can’t have sessions with my therapist because she is not a member of the hospital system. We can talk for a little bit but that is all. It’s just disruptive. I don’t do anything different than I do when I am inpatient. I might go to the groups if they interest me but mostly they don’t because they are DBT based or they are arts and crafts. I don’t do arts and crafts. I think it’s stupid. But most people like it for whatever reason. On weekends they have psychotherapy group. I wish they had that during the week. It would help so much. But I guess because the “team” caregivers aren’t around, they have the therapy group. I just feel mixed about going. My treaters don’t know that I am thinking about this. If they did, they would encourage me to go in. But I just feel like I can handle things on my own, even though I know I am going in a downward spiral. The pain is just not going away, the psychological pain. And it is the trigger for my suicidality. Pain, perturbation, and press. Those are the three things that Shneidman says are necessary for suicide, in addition to frustrated needs not being met. Right now I just know I am hurting and struggling to breathe. I feel like I am drowning and no one is watching me go down.