To understand suicide we must understand suffering and psychological pain and various thresholds for enduring it; to treat suicidal people (and prevent suicide) we must address and soften and reduce the psychache that drives it.
–Edwin Shneidman The Suicidal Mind
Tag: suicide
Waking up Early and other things
Waking up Early and other things
I have been up since around 0630. I got about five hours of sleep as I went to bed around 0130. I emailed my neurologist last night because I am running low on my medication for nerve pain. I don’t take it often so the refills have expired. Just got a response from her. As I suspected, I need to see her to get the meds. UGH. I hate dealing with her office staff. I could try and get it from my PCP. I see the NP the 26th so I will wait until then. I have enough to keep me going until then. If she doesn’t give me it, I will make an appointment to see the neuro.
I plan on changing my sheets today. It’s something that needs to happen but it always is a pain in the ass to do because of my back issues. I always throw out the back of my hip when I change the sheets. But then, I can stand too long and it will go out on me, too. I still haven’t gotten it checked out. It has been a problem for me for the past year. I took it out last Thanksgiving when I sneezed. It got better but then I sneezed after Christmas and it went out again. I have been in pain ever since. This time I am going to try and not keep so much stuff in my “office” side of the bed. That will make it easier to change the sheets because then I don’t have to keep moving stuff around.
I also want to work on the story I wrote a few weeks ago. I am loaded with good coffee so I hope it makes me want to write. I am trying to avoid going back to sleep so I had coffee. I won’t be going to the Square because I need to pick up my niece later today. But I need to change the sheets first. That is a priority.
I got a lot of views on my paper on the analysis of the song “How to save a life”. And most of the viewing from countries today have been from Ireland. I like that my blog has international readers. It means a lot to me to have readers from other countries reading my blog. Granted the majority of my readers are from the US. But today, Ireland is the top country. It could change over the course of the day. I love watching my stats because it’s fun. I learn through the search engine what readers brought them to my blog and then I can have a post about the search so that other readers, usually those with Cauda Equina Syndrome, can find my blog easier. My all time most read blog is my Knackered post.
I have therapy again today. I texted her with some things that I thought about. I got interrupted so many times yesterday with family stuff that I wasn’t able to write about it. I had started a blog with ideas and rather than sending it to her, I just texted her because it was easier. It was only a few things and it fit on a text. I hope that we can continue the conversation. After 14 years, it will be very difficult not to be in contact with her if we end. Our 15th anniversary date is in January.
Because I am feeling very hopeless and my therapist asked me to, I have put off the date that I was going to end my life. I feel defeated because now I will have to continue to live when I don’t want to. And because of the holidays, I don’t want to end my life then, which means I will have to see my next birthday. It was something I have been trying to avoid this past year. I wanted to stay 39 forever. It shouldn’t be so complicated, but it is. I hate living. It is such a damn struggle all the time. And the thought that I keep having bowel accidents doesn’t appeal to me for living. I have tried to deal with this stuff the best I could but I am so tired. I get no relief from the daily physical pain I have. I am tired of people telling me I need to lose weight when I don’t have the motivation to or the mobility to do so. I wish I could walk like I used to but I can’t. If I could, I wouldn’t be disabled from work. I know my job was stressful and it caused me to be very suicidal at times, but least it gave me something to look forward to every day. It gave me some purpose. Now I have none of that. Sure, I write but other than this blog, I doubt people would buy my book. It’s really depressing and powerful writing that no one sees or understands. It’s not a hopeful book. How can I write about hope when I don’t have any? I just think my death is the only way out of this misery that I am in.
Last night I was writing in my new journal. I was describing what I am saying right now. I might have to go into the hospital because I feel like I am going to snap. One more trigger and I am afraid I might go into constriction and then I will attempt to take my life. But I really don’t want to go there. Just the thought of the bullshit and my meds being split up because they don’t have the right tablet dose keeps me away. I take 12 pills a night. Last time I was in the hospital I had to take almost 16 pills. It was the same medication, but they didn’t have my BP med in a 40 mg tablet so they split it in 10 mgs tablets. That is four pills I had to take. I don’t know if they will have my other BP med in the dose. I would hate to take fucking another 4 pills for that, too. But there is no treatment while you are in the hospital. You just go to groups that are for arts and crafts, mostly. There is no psychotherapy going on in any of these groups or even in the meetings with your case worker. It’s just an adult babysitting system. Someone checks on you every 15 minutes and you talk with staff, which turns out usually to be better than talking with your case worker and psychiatrist. If I go to the unit I was before, that is how it is. If I go to another unit, you just get 15 minutes with the “team” and that is all. Sometimes you meet with your staff person, sometimes you don’t. It sucks. I rather just stay outpatient and struggle than be inpatient. Least I can have my electronics and not be watched.
Organization and Sleep Loss
Having a hard time sleeping. My family members and my bowels had me do the stairs repeatedly the last few hours. I am hurting big time. I think I might have to go to the bathroom again as my bladder is sending me weird signals. I went an hour ago so I don’t understand why I would have to go again as I didn’t drink anything except a sip of water to take some pills. It is so frustrating living with Cauda Equina syndrome when your body functions are dictated by guesswork. I think the Imodium has settled the gas and loose stool that I had been having. Don’t know the cause of that. I think it might have been the milk that I had earlier tonight. Sometimes milk causes me to be intolerant. I don’t know why as I can drink a latte fine, hot or cold. Just doesn’t make sense to me.
I did some research into the suicide stuff I learned today. One of the articles that looked promising was just a trial protocol that didn’t have any information on it. That got tossed in the trash. The other article was about evidence based practice that helps suicide prevention. I haven’t read it yet as I was discouraged from the other article/protocol that I read. The slightest things have been bringing me down today. I did see another article from Jobes on CAMS and inpatient treatment. I will read that later. I need to print it out and I don’t want more stuff on my bed as I am trying to clear it off. I was able to clear one corner of my bed. Now I just have to throw my clothes some where. Maybe I will throw them in a hamper and I won’t see them till next summer (they are summer clothes).
I was going through today’s tweets about the suicide summit and found an interesting article about suicide and vitamin D and a protein called hCAP18. I got very excited as I haven’t seen that molecule since my research days. Unfortunately, the slide didn’t say very much and I really would love to know the specifics and how they tested it and where. The slide also said vitamin D receptors so now I am really curious about this article. I tried Googling it, but got no where. I don’t think it’s in print yet. But I want to talk to the guy and see if he can share more information about it. I tweeted the person to see if he has an email or Twitter account that I can contact him.
All this research and I became awake. I also was looking for therapists in my area. I wish suicide was an area where people were focused on but nope, not a category. Some of them didn’t even have mood disorders as an area of specialization, which I thought was odd. Most people that seek out therapists are going to be depressed or have anxiety issues of some kind. I hope that I don’t have to call someone. I am hoping my therapist reads her letter before our appointment. I will be disappointed if she doesn’t have time to read it. I’ll also be really sad because it will just mean that our time has come to an end. I can’t keep playing these “games” anymore. I just can’t. I am tired of struggling with a therapist that is becoming more and more like an airhead or just playing stupid.
While going through my files, I realized I didn’t back up everything like I thought I did. I have a lot of files that need to go on my thumb drive. It sucks because I don’t have the motivation to do it. It won’t take long, but I need to make a new folder and figure out where I am going to place the folder in my old files so that it’s all together. I still need to type up a bibliography of the folder I am collecting for the hard copies of these files so I know where they are. It’s work and I know I have time to do it. It is tedious and I just don’t want to do it. But it needs to be done so I don’t go crazy looking for the damn thing when I do need it. I have hard copy files all over the place. In my room and office. They need a central home where I don’t have to look in three different places to find them. I should organize all my CAMS articles in one place so it’s easier. One day I will do this. Not now at 0100 when I need to sleep.
While I was having bowel issues, I was thinking about how I would kill myself if I crapped my pants again. I have loose stool so it is a possibility. I just can’t go through the humiliation, again. I am already feeling like a loser because of what happened the other day. I wanted to go out today but I have a feeling my ankle is not going to allow it. I might be able to get to Walgreens and pick up my meds, but that will be the only trip. I doubt I can go to Starbucks. The buses are running on a normal schedule despite it being a holiday (Columbus day in the US).
Yesterday was “National Coming Out Day”. And I didn’t come out. I figured why bother. Both of my sisters know I am transgendered yet still call me their sister, instead of brother. There is no way I can tell my mother. I still fear her throwing me out of the house, or her not believing me. That will hurt worse than being kicked out of the house. I just hate myself big time every time I think about it. So I try not to think about it. Then I think, why isn’t there a national coming out day for heterosexuals? That is what bothers me. People just assume you are straight unless proven otherwise. It sickens me. I remember not too long ago there was suicide hotline that was just for trans people and some idiot got all high and mighty saying it wasn’t needed because we were all people. Really? You think it’s easy coming to terms that you are a male trapped in a female’s body or vice versa? Fuck you, you have no idea what the hell you are talking about. Sometimes when you are suicidal you need someone that knows that you are going through to help you through what crisis. Not someone that is straight and has no fucking clue. Because empathizing just isn’t going to be enough when you are dealing with someone’s life.
Quote of the Day Oct 12, 2015
“There are many pointless deaths, but there can never be a needless suicide.”
― Edwin S. Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache
midnightdemons7 
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