Hypos Return, Again

Hypos return, Again

I thought after last night’s episode with depression, I was DONE with being hypo but as I was talking with my therapist today, it came back. I hadn’t yet taken my morning dose of my mood stabilizer so I took half of it while we were talking. I didn’t want to be sleepy the whole day so I just took half. It worked. I am calmer than I was even though my thoughts are still kind of racy.

I was going to write a paper on no-suicide contracts but while I was reading the paper, I remember writing about it. Sure enough, I did, two years ago. I sent it to my fellow psych people on Twitter and wow did my phone blow up with retweets and replies! Someone (not a psych person) read the paper and thought it was not worth reading. She only read the first paragraph and thought it was like “plaster on an old wound”. She then says how she “wasted her life being depressed”. Issues? I think so. No one chooses to be depressed and if they think this way, someone is telling them this. I have been depressed most of my life (minus these hypomanic episode the past three weeks). I started keeping track of them because I think it’s important as I might not remember I have been “happy” or “content” when I get back to my depressive state. But getting back to this woman, who I did not respond to, I just was taken aback. Did she think that I could just will myself happy? What does that mean and how do you do it? Is it a switch? I don’t think it is. I think she is just fooling herself. I have seen people pretend they are not depressed and it just makes them more miserable when their positivity ends and they are overwhelmed with depressive thoughts. I have a friend that is like that. To me that is just hurting yourself if you are not being true to yourself. I stopped caring what other people think about my depression. Either people are going to be supportive of it or they are not because they are ignorant. In their world, they like to think that depression doesn’t exist because they don’t want to catch it. I have a cousin that is like that. Drives me crazy. I love her to death but when we were talking about my book, it was like she wanted me to pull a switch and not think about suicide.

I asked my therapist if she forgot I code word when she was being frantic when I brought up being suicidal. She did. She is a ditz. So I had to explain to her that it was “baseball on her desk”. I couldn’t just say “baseball” because I talk about baseball for a good six months during the season and off-season. I am a baseball junkie. But there is a baseball on her desk that I think I gave her. I can’t remember how it got there now. I know that she had to get a replacement because the first one the ball melted after a little while. It was sad to see. I thought that would be her centering point. We haven’t tried it out because I haven’t been too suicidal and she has been more aware of her anxiety when I talk about being suicidal.

My pdoc got back to me about taking my PRN trilafon. I prefaced it with I know you don’t want me to be taking it but I need it. She writes back she doesn’t want me to take it every day, only when I need it. UM, isn’t that the whole idea behind PRN (take as needed)?? Or am I missing something? I want to write back to her but given my current agitation levels, I will let it go. Or try to. It really pissed me off.

I got such a headache for some reason. I am not tired, though I should be. I have been on the go, so to speak, since 0800. I am glad that I didn’t have to rewrite that paper. That would have really given me a headache. I took some Tylenol. I can’t take an NSAID because I am on an extended release one. And this one is not one to mess around with because it can cause gastric bleeding. I don’t want gastric bleeding. My mind is going to fast for the keyboard. I have been typing every word twice because of typos or misspellings of words. Ok, that was redundant, LOL. See I am not in my right mind right now. I have stopped listening to “just over” by Luke Bryan. I have been playing it all day because it is a good tune and it’s lyrics are stuck in my head. Another reason I need trilafon. It will break the cycle. I know people get songs stuck in their heads all the time, but with me, right now with this hypo business, it can lead to psychosis very quickly.

“Plaster in the wound”. Seriously, this person wanted to read my paper and then insulted it. I should be offended but I am too goofy to really care. I am just shaking my head because I know I wrote a good paper and if it wasn’t up to tuff with her, then so be it. Sometimes my writings are too powerful for laypeople to read. It can be technical or to emotional, depends on what I write. My blog covers a wide range of writings. It has been the place where I can publish my thoughts about scientific papers using MY experience as a reference sometimes and I know it is different for other people. My experience with something similar might not be the same as the next. I am not writing in a general way because there are no general ways. Everyone is their own expert in their illness and I respect that despite our same diagnoses. I really wish these hypos would go away, and soon. Not that I want to be depressed again, but I don’t want to run the risk of being in the hospital. I might crash tonight, again. There is no way of knowing where this is going or if I am cycling. I am kind of scared. It would be helpful to talk to another bipolar person who has experienced this. I am getting no help from my treaters. They have never seen me this way before for so long. They are worried, too. Though I can’t tell if my pdoc is. It’s hard to discern through an email in my current condition. I am too agitated to read the words, other than this is only for as needed. Like I am an idiot or something. UGH. Shaking my head again.

Early Morning Thoughts

I finally got some decent sleep but I wish I slept a little later. I am going to have breakfast and then maybe go back to sleep. I need to drink a lot of fluid today because I am getting my blood drawn tomorrow and I don’t want there to be any problems finding my veins. I hate getting my blood drawn but hopefully they will draw the right amount of tubes and I won’t have to correct them. I know what needs to be drawn because I used to work in the lab. I should just have three tubes drawn. Any more than that and I will make a fuss. I got to find out when the lab opens tomorrow. I really don’t want to be fasting all day because I know I will forget and eat something.

Last night I got to thinking about my sessions with my therapist. She is the only therapist I know that offered me multiple sessions during the week. I normally see her twice a week but sometimes, because of my suicidality, we will meet three times. She wants to keep an eye on me at all costs. I can’t even go without texting her for periods. It’s become such a habit to text her when I am in the deepest of despair. As I thought about this, I also thought, what if she didn’t see me so much? I wonder if I would be here. I have been fortunate that my insurance hasn’t interfered with my therapy. I don’t have any limit on sessions. I think if I did, things would be so hard. I know not everyone can have multiple sessions with their therapist for various reasons. I guess someone really wants me to be here even if I don’t want to be.

Game is on early today. I don’t like day games because it makes the night time seem longer. I guess I will just be doing more reading as there will be nothing to listen to except music. I have to have a little music playing while I read. It keeps away the voices from asking me questions.

I was struggling last night. My psychiatrist emailed me back and asked how I was doing. I started writing back and then I felt immensely suicidal. It was weird because I wasn’t feeling depressed when I was writing to her. I didn’t tell her I was feeling this way. I knew it would only worry her more. I have tried not to think about suicide the past few days because I didn’t want to feel it. Now it’s coming in waves. I don’t know why this is. I am not feeling horribly depressed. I still am feeling somewhat good, though not at the level I was earlier this past week. I don’t know if I am cycling and that worries me because it usually brings with it mixed states. I hate mixed states. They always make things worse.

I think I have the thoughts of killing myself because I really think it is my destiny to die that way. They have been apart of me for so long that I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s like an addiction, except you don’t get high. You just are constantly surrounded by your thoughts and planning. Planning gives me an escape. It forces me to compartmentalize the suicidal stuff so I can go about doing other things and make it appear that I am “okay”.

I don’t know when planning became my escape route. It has always been there for as long as I can remember. It didn’t solidify until one day I snapped. Even then, I had planned a date well in advanced so that I could have time to think things through. The hard part was keeping this from my therapist because I was so determined to end my life. I still try to do it but I fail miserably. I cannot lie to save my life, literally. So when she asked me what is going on, really, really what is going on, I had to think about what I wanted to say to her. I gave myself a good 24 hours to think about this, then I called her and asked for an extra session. I think that is when we started talking more often at that point.

hypo again and ankle chronicles

Hypo Again and Ankle Chronicles

It’s close to 0200 and I show no sign of sleeping. I feel really hyper but in an organized kind of way. I wish I could get into a cleaning mode as my room could really use it but my hip is hurting and I know standing for any length of time will annoy it. My ankle is also giving me grief so I doubt standing or cleaning would be a good idea at the present time. I can barely sit without my hip hurting. I don’t know what set this episode off. I thought I was going to head towards a depression and then I got hyper when I realized it was midnight and I wasn’t tired.

I think I might be cycling, but I am not having true depressive episodes or sadness even. I just seem to go from a hyper state of being to being “normal”. I am not even suicidal, though I have been having passing thoughts of killing myself. They don’t last long, maybe a few minutes tops. And I don’t ruminate on them when I am like this. I am sure if I was in a depressive state, I would.

I am glad that I am seeing my doctor next week because my left eyelid has been extremely itchy and has a skin tag on it. I have been trying not to freak out and call it cancer but I can’t stand it being different than my right eye. Even the skin texture is different, but I am sure it is just dry because I don’t drink enough fluids during the day. I try to but it’s difficult because I don’t want to leak. But seeing as I will be having my blood drawn on Monday, I need to increase my fluids so my veins are better able to get attacked. I am a hard stick anyways but being dehydrated really makes my veins disappear.

I don’t know what set off my ankle tonight. I was watching the game in the comfort of my sister’s bedroom with my foot up most of the game. It wasn’t my bed but it shouldn’t make a difference. Anyways, by the 7th inning, I was in some deep pain. I was watching my niece and I knew that if I went upstairs to my room and back down again, it would only cause me more pain. I just stuck it out. I waited patiently for my sister to come home. It was approximately two hours later. Luckily, walking on it didn’t seem to bother it as much as standing still, which is weird. It was throbbing big time by the time I made it up to my room. Then I had to go back downstairs to the bathroom. Whatever I ate didn’t agree with me and my bowels went nuts. I hope they don’t act up anymore. They probably will because I took a senna with my meds. I am going to be really cleaned out.

I wrote several pages in my journal before I decided to blog. I am feeling the writing itch though my thoughts are as clear as they were before. I think the meds are starting to kick in. It’s weird that I am having a second episode of hypomania in a year. I usually just get it once and that is all. It is unusual for me to be hypo twice in a year. Course I have been hypo for most of the week. I hope this means that I will sleep for more than a few hours tonight as I am up so damn late. I am hungry but I am not going to eat as it is so late. The way I am feeling, you would think that I haven’t eaten anything at all, all day. I had steak and a sweet potato while I was at my sister’s and it made me quite full. But usually at this time, I get wicked hungry for some reason. Midnight cravings I guess. I really want a damn donut. I swear when I get my check, I am going to go to Dunkin and get a half dozen. I hear through FB that there might be a gourmet donut shop in the Square. That would be so awesome and yummy. Starbucks has an old fashioned donut that I really like. Okay, all this talk about donuts is not helping my hunger.

I took my pain meds three hours ago. I should be knocked out or at least close to it. But I am not. I feel another all nighter coming on. Question is, when am I going to get some sleep? It’s so hard to say when I am like this. My ankle/foot pain is not helping the situation at all. If I am not asleep in another half hour, I will take another dose of pain meds. It will be four hours since my last dose, so I think it will be ok. Sometimes, when I am in severe pain it takes another dose of meds to quiet things down and get me some rest. I don’t know if the pain is fueling the mania or vice versa at this point. I wish I felt euphoric but I don’t. I just feel content and a little sad. I am sad because this is happening to me and I don’t know why. Usually Bipolar disorder gets better with age not worse. I can’t say this is a relapse because I don’t typically get hypomanias. I am mostly depressed. This is quite unusual for me to be hypo. I so rather be depressed. It is what is normal for me. It is what is the expected.

OI, there is an advocate that I follow on Twitter and she is so fucking annoying. She thinks all her opinions are facts because she experienced it. Yet when I try and tell her how my experiences are, I am downplayed, like it doesn’t matter to her at all what I think. WTF is that? I should unfollow her. I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. You would think she would be more open minded to people’s lived experiences but only hers counts? Doesn’t make sense. Then she states the obvious of how mental health professionals are uncomfortable talking to their patients about suicide. No fucking shit, really?? Where the hell have you been the last ten years?? Obviously not in the suicide field. Obviously not doing research about suicide like I have. So take that, Miss who-thinks-she-knows-it-all.

My Thoughts on the Language of Suicidology and the Tower of Babel

My Thoughts on the Language of Suicidology and the Tower of Babel

I finally read the “Language of Suicidology” by Morton Silverman (Silverman, 2006). Silverman has been in the suicide field for years. He has written countless books and articles on the subject of suicide. In this article, I found a few interesting things. One is there is no such thing as the language of suicide that encompasses the whole discipline or even the different disciplines that suicide falls into. Things like suicide attempt or suicide gesture mean completely different things to different people. There is no forward definition on the subject. In O’Carroll et al. work (O’Carroll et al., 1996), the Tower of Babel, state that “’attempted suicide’ is meaningless”. Does it mean someone intended to die with an act that put their life in danger, hurt themselves without the intent to die, or just thought about the intent to die? Everyone has their own opinion on what this term means. Dr. Silverman pointed out that there was a study with expert suicidologists and then general mental health clinicians to find out if they could identify among ten vignettes which were deemed an attempted suicide. There was no consensus among either the suicidologists or the clinicians!! How is this term used so frequently yet has no definitive markers or insights is beyond my thoughts. I am sure you, as a reader of my blog, has your own opinion as to what is deemed a suicide attempt. But is it what the next person will think? Even among self-reports, there are no guidelines as to what makes a suicide attempt. Is it a few extra pills of Tylenol? A deep slash on the wrist that required stitches and a hospital stay? Or an overdose that didn’t require medical attention at all?

The one thing that I can take away from this paper is that his idea of “died by suicide” is golden. It is gaining ground in the suicide community to replace “committed suicide” or completed suicide. Other than that, there is no other message in the paper to help the understanding of the terms of suicide or even suicidality, a term that he wanted to get rid of all together. I use suicidality a lot in my blog. It encompasses the whole suicidal thoughts, behaviors, cognition, and emotion that I feel when I want to end my life. It might not mean anything to anyone else, but it means something to me. But he states that this word is not going away anytime soon.

If the experts can’t figure out what is meant by attempted suicide, how can the rest of the world? It means so much to different people yet in the clinical world it hardly means anything if there isn’t a nomenclature about it. What I found interesting was the synonyms for suicide attempt (SA): cry for help, courting death, life threatening behavior, near fatal SA, suicidal manipulation, near lethal suicide, risk taking behavior. And what is meant by suicidality? There is no clear definition of it. To me, it encompasses the cognition, behavior, and emotion of suicide, but it might not be the same to someone else. Does it mean someone is suicidal? What is meant by that? There were fifteen different definitions of suicide. Fifteen! All were mostly similar. The shortest one was “self-initiated, intentional death”. There was a definition by the father of suicidology, Edwin Shneidman, but I found that the definition to be confusing and wordy. The author of this article also had a definition, “suicide is, by definition, not a disease, but a death that is caused by self-inflicted intentional action or behavior”. If so many people define suicide differently than someone else, how can there be any consensus?

The one take away from this article was “committed suicide” should be taken away and “died by suicide” should be used. I was happy to see that. Also was glad to see possible terms to be removed: nonfatal suicide, committed suicide, completed suicide, failed attempt, failed completion, and fatal suicide attempt.

Part 1 and 2 of Revisiting the Tower of Babel

Since O’Carroll’s paper in 1996, there have been no definitive terms for suicide, suicide attempt, suicide gesture, self harm, or suicide threat. Efforts have been made but no two researchers have consistently used the same term. In the following, I will give the background of what has been used and what was “taken away”.

Silverman et al. (Silverman, Berman, Sanddal, O’Carroll, & Joiner, 2007a) have stated “’suicide’ refers not to a single action but more broadly to a great many varied behaviors” (p248). And as such, no single term defines the complex set of behaviors that suggests someone being suicidal. Here are my thoughts on this paper and the outcome of their process that was made to be simple in mind but proved difficult.

The background for this is as follows:

“Measures of suicide and nonfatal suicidal behavior continue to be hindered by the lack of 1) standard nomenclature; 2) clear operational definitions; 3) standardized lethality measures” (p249). While this is true, my feeling is that if a researcher/clinician defines what is meant by these terms in their measurement in their study, it will be defined as such so no confusion exists in that paper. Though I understand the complexity it will have among different studies, there are no set guidelines. In the many papers I have read in over the past 11 years since this paper has come into print, O’Carroll (1996) has been cited as the standard definition of the terms of suicide and suicide attempt. He distinguished suicidal behaviors by three characteristic features: intent to die, evidence of self-injury, and outcome (injury, no injury, death). A number of researchers have adopted this nomenclature in their studies (see article for the list). Even the American Psychiatric Association has acknowledged and adopted the definitions set by O’Carroll et al. in their implementation of practice guidelines for the assessment and treatment of patients with suicidal behaviors. The only reason why this hasn’t been formally adopted is because of the new terms they have proposed. It should stop here but let us continue with their insight into the definitions of suicidal behaviors.

One of the new terms proposed was “instrumental suicide-related behavior (ISRB)”. O’Carroll et al. thought this would be a better term than suicidality. However, as we will see, suicidality has been used more frequently to describe the whole of suicide, suicide attempts, behaviors relating to suicide, and self-harm (NSSI).

As stated above with Silverman’s paper, there is still confusion about the terms suicidal behavior, deliberate self-harm, suicide-related behavior, parasuicide, and suicidality. It is important to recognize that suicide and its subsequent behaviors are not a disorder or diagnosis. The motivation to die and prepare to die by self-jury do not necessarily place an individual at either acute or high risk for suicide. There has been much debate about what constitutes intent. It has been suggested that “intent implies an action to change the future while “motivation” implies an effort to affect interpersonal relations and a change in social milieu”(p254). Their position is that “intent refers to the aim, purpose, or goal of the behavior” (p254). I believe the latter to be the simpler definition of intent and “connote a conscious desire or wish to leave (or escape from) life as we know it” (p254). We also need to bear in mind that intent is fluid and changes from minute to minute.

The authors also explored the relationship between intent and lethality. They concluded “the presence of intent assumes 1) a desire or wish to die as a conscious experience; 2) knowledge of risk associated with a behavior; 3) some perception that means or methods are available to achieve the desired outcome (suicide attempt); 4) some knowledge about how to use means or method” (p255). Without knowing intent, it becomes impossible to know the different types of suicide related behaviors and self-injurious behaviors. The end result of this was to reorganize to three categories: no intent, uncertain intent, and intent. Regarding lethality, most clinicians think that high medical lethality suggests high intent even though high intent doesn’t always suggest high lethality.

Another term they deemed not to include in their nomenclature was “suicide gesture”. It’s ambiguity about it being a threat with low intent or behavior that is self-inflicted but not suicidal in nature makes it a precursor to suicide attempt but not with intention (p256). The common theory is ultimately that it simply means an action was taken with the intent to die not withstanding. It implies a suicidal act but because the intent was low, it doesn’t mean it. It can just be termed as self-harm behavior.

The term suicidality is used to encompass a wide range of thoughts, behaviors, and ideation of suicide and related behaviors. The authors chose not to avoid the term even though some authors use the term to describe the “totality of suicide-related ideation and behaviors” (P257). It has become a popular term even though it is not yet in the dictionary. Therefore the authors decided to stick with suicide-related ideations, suicide-related behaviors, and added the ridiculous term, suicide-related communication. Now that is simplifying things!

Even though the term “suicide attempt” was chosen to be extinguished from the vocabulary but still remains in the literature, it still does not have a clear definition though it has been suggested to mean “a high likelihood of death as a well as a true intent to kill oneself” (p258). As there can be varying degrees of attempts, part 2 of this article suggests typifying them into categories of type I and type II. Suicide Attempt, Type I is when no injury occurs. Type II is when injury occurs. Suicide is when death occurs.

Part 2 of (Silverman, Berman, Sanddal, O’Carroll, & Joiner, 2007b) is utter nonsense and had no meaning in defining anymore than what is already known. The term they tried to typify are the behavior, threat, plan, and ideation of suicide. For example, terms such as accidental suicide becomes self-inflicted unintentional death, completed suicide becomes suicide, intentional self harm or injury becomes self harm type I and II. And the term instrumental self-related behavior becomes suicide threat type I-III. (see the exhaustive list in the paper for definition).

A suicide plan is a proposed method of carrying out a method that leads to a self-injurious outcome (p268). That is something that I can agree on.

In closing, the authors quote Dr. Jamison (Jamison, 1999) as stating “all suicide classification and nomenclature systems are to a greater or lesser extent, flawed; and all or most all will have points that are well or uniquely taken” (p27;275). I take that to interpret that people will take what they will as it suits them and leave the rest as it lies.

Jamison, K. R. (1999). Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide: Alfred Knopf.

O’Carroll, P. W., Berman, A. L., Maris, R. W., Moscicki, E. K., Tanney, B. L., & Silverman, M. M. (1996). Beyond the Tower of Babel: A Nomenclature for Suicidology. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 26(3), 237-252.

Silverman, M. M. (2006). The Language of Suicidology. Suicide and Life-Threatening Behavior, 36(5), 519-532. doi: 10.1521/suli.2006.36.5.519

Silverman, M. M., Berman, A. L., Sanddal, N. D., O’Carroll, P. W., & Joiner, T. E. (2007a). Rebuilding the Tower of Babel: A Revised Nomenclature for the Study of Suicide and Suicidal Behaviors Part 1: Background, Rationale, and Methodology. Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior, 37(3), 248-276.

Silverman, M. M., Berman, A. L., Sanddal, N. D., O’Carroll, P. W., & Joiner, T. E. (2007b). Rebuilding the Tower of Babel: A Revised Nomenclature for the Study of Suicide and Suicidal Behaviors Part 2: Suicide-Related Ideations, Communications, and Behaviors. Suicide and Life Threatening Behavior, 37(3), 264-277.