Tag: therapist

Finally, a little motivation

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Finally, some motivation

I woke up at a normal time, between 0800 and 0830. It is the first time in I don’t know how many months that I slept that “late”. I actually woke up rested and rearing to go, despite this cough from hell that I have. The weatherman said there will be downpours later in the day so I went to the post office to mail out my last two signed books. They have been sitting on the edge of my bed for weeks and now that they aren’t there, I am kind of sad. I am out of the copies that I purchased for myself. I only have one more book and I think I am going to keep it, unless someone buys it off me. One of the books that I mailed out went to the Netherlands. I have a friend there that was interested in my book.

After the post office, I did nothing but play on the computer. It’s sad that I haven’t sold any books so far this month. I only sold 7 last month. I was getting on a roll of selling one per day and then it just stopped. I am going to try and do more to promote my book but it’s so difficult as I don’t know what avenues to go down. I think I have to target the right audience but I don’t know how to find it because my book is so limited. It’s not like it is a romance novel. It is a book about my struggles with suicidality and how I thought about ending my life numerous times over the years. Not a book that screams “buy me”, unless you have been there or like reading stories of struggle.

After my therapy appointment that went ok, I still had energy so went to Starbucks for coffee. I tried writing notes from the Experiences of Depression book but after a few dozen pages, I got bored. I still had to do a few more errands so I stopped writing to go to the meat market to get burgers for dinner. I then went to the square post office to pick my mother up some stamps. I didn’t tell her I was going on the first trip. Oh well. I like the Square office better because it is bigger.

I have therapy again tomorrow. I don’t know why I asked for an additional session. I think I go to therapy just to pass time. Sad and pathetic I know. But as long as she has time available, I will take it. Besides, I like to know what Freud means when he talks about “objects”. The Experience of Depression book was talking a lot about it and I don’t know what the hell it is in reference to. Does it mean a person or an actual object like a teddy bear? Or in Freud’s case, a pacifier?

finding care in the off hours

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Last night I was in the throws of pain again. But my thoughts didn’t immediately turn to darkness Like they normally do. I wrote an email to my pdoc about what has transpired during the week and that I haven’t been faithful in taking the increase in my mood stabilizer for reasons beyond my control. Mostly because I have been driving and I don’t want to be drowsy behind the wheel. I also asked her if there was a hotline number she knew of to call in times of distress. She gave me one.

This all lead me to thinking maybe I should have a blog about this important issue…finding care during the off hours. For most people in therapy, when they are in distress after hours their and before their next session is to seek help in the local ER. This can be costly, as copays have more than doubled to deter such visits. But for mental health, there should be an exception made as there is really no other place to go while in distress. I understand that the cost is higher because care is more urgent and is most likely is trying to ward off unnecessary visits. But when you are in crisis, how can that be unnecessary? For the mental health field, there are no urgent care centers to go to in distress. It’s either you see your therapist or go to the ER (Emergency room). There is no in between. SO what are you supposed to do when you are somewhat distressed and cannot wait till your next visit with your therapist?

There are self-soothing measures. You take a bath/shower, read, journal, brush your hair for 100 strokes, eat something, etc. But when all is said and done, and you still feel terrible, then what? Most therapists have some kind of plan in place, or should be able to give you a hotline number such as Lifeline 1800-273-8255 (US only) or the national hotline number 1800-784-2433 (US only). I have tried calling the Lifeline hotline but have never been patient enough to wait to get transferred to someone. The other number I have not tried. There is also a text # 20121 and you text 121help. I don’t know where I got that number from but when I tried it the other day, it didn’t work. I never got connected to anyone, but that might be because of the hour.

There are chat groups, I am told, where you can discuss suicidal feelings and not be “punished/banned” or turned away. Unfortunately, I do not have that URL to share as I have not looked into that chat room. But when you are in distress, are you really going to google something??

There is something called a Crisis Response Plan that I sometimes use when I am in distress. UNfortnately, the last few times I have been in distress, all of the self-help went out the window and I didn’t use anything. I just ruminated about what I was going to do. It’s not perfect trying to save your life when you feel like ending it. I was not in the frame of mind to seek help.

Therapists think that a suicidal person always calls for help when in crisis and that simply is not true. Most clients become impulsive, wants to get rid of the negative feelings NOW and are in my experience, not likely to reach for help.

For me, writing has helped but not everyone has that option to them. I will blog my distress and might be fortunate to have a few bloggers comment to show support or to chat. But that doesn’t happen all the time. Most of the it’s hit or miss. My frequent blog readers might not be online at the time of my post and so not get it.

Sunday I participated in a chat that was for crisis intervention and I learned that there was a crisis text chat available. The intervention was either through chat or text message. I am going to looking into using this the next time I am in distress or when my mood goes south. It’s not always easy to think of these thing when your mind is thinking of ending your life. To use a DBT term, you just cannot tolerate the distress because it is unbearable.

I have been trying to identify when I am in distress so that I can reach out for help but it’s not so easy. The last few time I have used distraction or music to help me out of the intolerable feelings. I also will write in my blog or my journal but it seems like all bets are off if I am in intolerable physical pain. Chronic pain mixed in with getting my menses and dealing with it has been difficult this past two weeks. The waiting for pain medication to kick in is sometimes not fast enough to deal with mentally.

I wish there was some help I could have regarding physical pain and lethality but there are few pain specialists that deal with mental health issues and fewer still, psychologists that deal with pain issues. Even crisis help lines don’t know hot to deal with physical pain that is behind suicidal ideation. In a perfect world, you would like to see someone that is well rounded in chronic health issues and suicidality. Unfortunately, I don’t think they exist or they may just be too far and in between to help the greater good.

When I was being evaluated at my local pain clinic, I saw a pain psychologist. His job was to help me deal with pain. But he didn’t offer me an real advise the first time meeting him. I would have to set up a series of sessions with him but unfortunately this happened when I lost my car and he is too far out to see. If I saw him with public transportation, it would be a two hour commute, both ways.

The hardest part of being alone with your thoughts is that you are left to your own devices before the next session or when office hours are available. I wish there could be urgent care centers that are specific to mental health issues. Because not all crisis needs to result in a hospitalization. Sometimes just talking with an understanding person is the best treatment mental health professionals can provide.

Don’t Feel Like Talking

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, suicide attempt

Don’t feel like Talking

I have been reviewing in my mind the last few suicide “mini” attempts that I took over the past several months. I am wondering why I never called for help or called a friend. It wasn’t like I didn’t have a number for a friend I couldn’t call or a helpline or a chat person. I just was constricted into one way of thinking. I needed to escape and that was going to happen. It was my “only” way out. I think I slipped into Mr. Hyde and ran away from help. I couldn’t possibly think that someone would understand the amount of pain that I was in or understand that ending my life was the only way out of the mess that I was in. And it wasn’t truly a “mess”. I just wanted an out that I could count on.

My last attempt was last week. I wrote a blog about it and then fell asleep. While I slept off my drugs, at least three bloggers tried to get in touch with me through various ways. One of them found my personal email, which I am still wondering how in the world they got. I am glad I don’t have my cell phone listed anywhere or it probably would have been traced back to me. But since that happened, I have been scared to write. Scared because I don’t want the police showing up at my door. I have had that happen before and it wasn’t a pretty picture. It was terrible because even though I was in “protective custody” through EMS (the paramedics had already showed up and taken me to the hospital), the police and fire department didn’t know that so broke a window to get into my house. I was freaked out when I heard about this. My family was wicked worried about me. And that was all because I wrote an email to my psychiatrist. My writing has gotten me into trouble. So now I am scared that it will again. I have dissociative episodes. I barely remember sending the blog that night. I don’t even remember what I said, other than taking pills.

I don’t want to stop blogging. It has been a lifeline for me. But I also realize that I need to be more aware of my thoughts and feelings to stop the hurt before I take something lethal. Luckily, I only took a few pills. I didn’t take a bottle. But the question remains, why didn’t I feel like talking to someone before I took them??

I know of suicide prevention. I know of suicide assessments. So why didn’t I use them? I am not beating myself up here. I am just trying to understand what went on inside my head so that I can do something the next time this happens. All that I come up with is that I didn’t want to go to the hospital again. If I paged my psych and told her I wanted to take my life, I don’t think she would let me off the phone unless I had a plan with her to go to the ER. So that option is out. Luckily, through this recent episode, I found a fellow survivor that I can email. I hope that I can email her and talk freely about what I am feeling and what I want to do. That is if I feel like talking. That is the key…talking. To know one’s story. I feel like such a hypocrite because I wrote a book, published it, and then tried to take my life afterwards. Some survivor I am. I am totally unstable and I don’t think I will ever be stable. I told my therapist today, that if I had the chance, I would try again. I am just tired of living. SO DAMNED TIRED. I have nothing keeping me here. My protective factors are minimal. I don’t even know if they exist anymore. I mean, I love my family a little bit but I don’t feel connected to them in anyway. I just feel like I am this stranger that comes out of my room and says hi every now and then. I hardly go out anymore. My life is meaningless.

My therapist is so excited about my book that she doesn’t even want to read my blog anymore. Though my blog readership has hit an all time high lately. I should be proud of that. But I don’t feel it. I don’t feel anything. I am not interested in anything. I got my journal of Suicide and Life threatening behavior today and it didn’t even excite me. One of my favorite suicidologists wrote a paper in it. I should have been all over it but I wasn’t. I had no interest in what the article was about. I am too depressed to care about anything. And I don’t even talk to my therapist anymore. All she wants to talk about it my fricken book. I am done talking about my book. It just depresses me. And I don’t know why. I should be on cloud nine right now but I am not. Maybe I should go back on an anti-depressant. But I am so sensitive to them, they just make me sick. I hate this anhedonia I have been feeling. I hate that worse than the psychache that I have been feeling. I mean, how many times can your heart break and nobody know? Because depression is an invisible illness. No one sees it. No one else feels it. It’s all inside you. And no one feels like talking about it.

Midnight Demon, The book detailed

by Midnight Demon, posted in cauda equina syndrome, depression

BookCoverImage

Having a crazy day. I got up early this morning, for no reason other than waking from another weird dream. I went to see my pdoc today, which was good because she always calms me down when I am psychotic/delusional. She thinks I am just anxious over what is happening with my book and everything. She is probably right. I am not used to anxiety. I hate it and feel very uncomfortable when I feel it.

I got to sign my book for her. She really is proud of what I have accomplished. She even showed my book off in her class as a writing example. I am so happy she really likes the book.

The book is about my blogs and my struggle with mental illness and cauda equina syndrome. Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES for short) is a neurological medical emergency when a lumbar disc ruptures and you have weakness in your legs, lose your ability to control your urine/fecal matter, and have numbness down your legs. I write about this because people should be aware of what can happen with more than back pain.

My mental illness consists not only of depression, but of psychosis, paranoia, and delusions as well as Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I write about my suicidal history more than anything because it is a suicide attempt survivor book.

I also have my personal experiences with the mental health system from the various therapists that I have seen over the years as well as the multiple hospitalizations I went through.

I hope you will support me by buying a copy of my book! It is available through Kindle and paperback through this link. Unfortunately, those are the only formats available at this time. I am going to look into iBooks eventually so iPad users can have access if they don’t want to download Kindle app. I am also trying to get it available via Nook but that might take some doing as I am not familiar with that format.