Tag: transgender

so fucking fed up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So fucking fed up

I woke up at dawn because that is when the sun was shining into my room, brightening it up. It was a little after 0515. I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took my meds. I wanted to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. Around 0630, I was getting hungry so I made an egg sandwich. I then went back to sleep for a few hours before I had to be up for my dentist appointment. I was debating going as my foot and ankle were hurting but decided to keep it as I knew if I cancelled, I wasn’t going to reschedule.

I slept until my alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to make coffee but I would be going to the Square so I didn’t make it. I shaved my head, which resulted in razor burn in the back of my head. I took a shower and then rested for an hour or so. I brushed my teeth, which my ankle didn’t like. I had slipped in the shower so it was smarting.

I went to the bank and there was no line at all so I got to the dentist office early. They took me early. They didn’t take any x-rays, which I was grateful because they always make me gag. I had three cavities. It’s been a few hours since the cleaning and my teeth still hurt from the scraping and flossing. I hate going to the dentist. I am not looking forward to having three cavities filled. The dentist said I need a special toothpaste at night to help protect my teeth better. I hope it’s not gross because I can’t rinse my mouth after I brush or eat or drink for 4 hours. That’s going to be tricky. I guess I will have to take my night meds and then brush my teeth. It’s going to be a challenge but I don’t want more cavities.

I went to Starbucks for lunch and my espresso. I went to deposit my money in my checking account. After I ate, I didn’t feel like writing so went to the barber shop. My barber was out until 1630. I didn’t feel like hanging around till then so caught the next bus home. My foot/ankle was throbbing and I needed pain meds and to put my leg up.

My pain got worse when I got home. I really am fed up. Then at dinner, my mother hated my new PJs and hair style. I am so sick of her comments. She is the most unsupportive person that is supposed to be a caring parent that I ever met. I wish I could ignore her ignorance but I live with her so it’s difficult. Then she wonders why I don’t talk to her. Least it didn’t set off my suicidal urges like it normally does. The pain is doing a fine enough job about that. I think I will get my hair fixed on Saturday. Tomorrow I need to rest or my ankle/foot is just going to kill me. I still want to try and make iced coffee at home. I think I have figured out the coffee to water ratio to make it work.

wicked hot hot

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot hot

It’s been awful with the humidity the past few days. Today I had to go out in it for my therapy appointment. I brought a facecloth with me so I could dab at the sweat. I had perspiring but there is nothing I can do about it in warm weather.

I woke up before six to use the bathroom and then I went back to sleep for almost 5 hours. It was around 11 I woke up. I was hungry and didn’t know what I wanted to make. I have a package of bacon that I need to use but didn’t have time to cook it. I really didn’t feel like making it. It was too hot. I just made some toast. Before I went downstairs, I checked my internet and I still didn’t have it. There were no messages on my phone either so Verizon didn’t call me.

After I made my toast, I got ready to head to Starbucks. The bus was late, even though it wasn’t too full. Thankfully, it had the AC cranked. I ordered my Starbucks through the app so it would be ready by the time I got there. I wanted to try the mobile order. It was easy once I figured out how to order my drink. It’s not complicated as I just get 4 shots of espresso on ice. I had a reward so I used it for my breakfast sandwich. It was all ready by the time the bus got to the Square. Neat.

After I had breakfast, I wrote in my journal. After an hour, I was bored. I wish I brought a book with me. I was really nervous about my therapy appointment. I wasn’t in pain as I took some meds before leaving the house. I needed to buy water as I knew I would be thirsty in the heat. I bought it at Starbucks and then left for the train station. I was early so I let a few trains pass before I got on. It was only a few stops I had to go.

I was sweating a lot by the time I reached the office. Luckily, they had AC in the waiting room. I cooled off some and thought about what to talk about with my therapist. I almost left a few minutes before he called me in. I was so nervous. I began nervously asking him if he minded me going through with transitioning. He answered with a damn question. I fucking hate that. I was getting annoyed and I guess he could sense it so then I asked if he cared about me or was I just a paycheck to him. I explained that a therapist was using me at one point for my insurance and he said he doesn’t take people on unless he cares about them. I felt good in that answer. Then I started crying for whatever reason. I guess the frustration and relief of his answers were reassuring me that I didn’t have to go find another therapist. That this was going to work.

We talked about my ex-therapist and how it was when I picked up my things. I told him about the things that I had gotten back and the blog I wrote about the paper in high school I wrote. I also told him about the book where a poem or essay was published in high school. He didn’t seem impressed but I wasn’t looking at him so not sure. I kept staring at his bookcase, taking inventory of his books. I also told him about the New York Times article and how upset I was over the comments attacking me and my ex-therapist.

I paused and thought about the transition and how I came out to my oldest niece and cousin. I told him about it and how I am going to move forward with it. He said that the stuff about my ex-therapist I should not fill up with the whys or other noise. It would just be harming me. That is hard to do because I still feel responsible for her ending therapy, even though my psych and him has told me it’s not my fault. I think in time I will have that sink in.

He also wanted to know where I was in the transition. So I said that I need a physical and then I can call the LGBTQA health center to move forward. They need that for the initial appointment. It would be several appointments before I was going to get hormone therapy, least according to the information sheet I read online from the center. I told him the reaction my mother had to someone who went through transition and I felt like dying. He wants to work on my response because there is no changing her. I told him I was fearful of being kicked out and he said he would work with me on finding sources so that doesn’t happen. I know at this point my mother is dependent on my check so I have that leverage. I just don’t know if she will be amenable to living with a man. I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.

All in all, the appointment went better than I thought. He knows this is a huge transition for me and that I am grieving the loss of a 16 year relationship. He said I am like a tootsie pop, tough on the outside but soft inside. I jokingly asked him how many sessions did it take for him to figure that out. He said it with some affection which eased my guard. I am still learning to trust him, something that I never thought I would have to do, again.

Saturday Blog 84

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Saturday Blog 84

I woke up around 10 because my bladder said to. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I made coffee. After my coffee, I went to Walgreens to pick up my script. It was really hot out but not humid. As I was trying to find my dark chocolate, I came across an ankle compression sleeve that supposedly helps your heel. I hope it will help my Achilles. It was $13 so I bought it. I will use it the next time I go out or when my Achilles flares up around the house.

I had no problems walking, which was good. I never know if my ankle is going to go berserk on me or not. I didn’t wear my AFO brace. I thought about going to the square but I had my burger fix last night. I am just going to lay low today and maybe read Huck Finn as I haven’t touched it in more than a month now. I am half way through reading it. I am getting behind my reading because my pain is so bad I don’t feel like cracking open a book.

I joined a CRPS group on Facebook. It is mostly people in the UK but I haven’t been able to get accepted in any US based groups. I requested to join and haven’t had a response. It’s been good joining this group as people have been responsive to my posts and seem more accepting than the other group I was in. I left it because there were people against my use of opioids for my treatment of pain. They are under the idiotic impression that it’s just an addicting drug and shouldn’t be used at all, only for short term use. It’s bullshit as I would be dead without my meds. The pain is not relieved by any other drug that I have tried.

Today is Boston Pride day and there is a huge parade in Boston. I don’t go because I don’t like crowds. They give me anxiety. So on Twitter, I talked about coming out as trans. I wrote a little story about it using the hashtag Pride2017. I got one like and that was for my post on my memoir. I don’t care. If people read my story, hope it can help others struggling with coming out. I will write a longer blog about it later today. I want to talk about it because it is freeing and lifts my burden. Eventually I will come out to my mother. I am getting close to getting the courage to tell her. I know she isn’t going to accept me for being a man. That is the only thing keeping me from telling her because I fear her rejection of me. It’s bad enough she doesn’t like my haircuts and the clothes I wear.

My new watch came in yesterday and today for some reason, I feel naked without it on. I usually don’t wear it in the house because I have my phone to tell me the time and date. Guess I am just excited that I have a new watch. Tomorrow I think I might go to my little cousin’s graduation party. It’s going to be a long day for me so I am not sure I can handle it. I feel like using a zipcar just so I can have my own transportation home if I need to leave. I can only handle the family events for so long before I get bored and my ankle acts up. My cousin’s house is by the beach. I think the weather is going to be similar today but a few degrees cooler. It will be perfect beach weather. I am not a beach person but I do like to stick my feet in the water. I just hope my pain is manageable tomorrow or it’s going to be difficult for me to go. We’ll see though.

TG issues 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

TG Issues 9

I have been meaning all week to go to the LGBTQ health center website for information about transitioning. It seems fairly straight forward, but I need a physical. So I call my PCP’s office to schedule one and they changed my existing upcoming appointment with my provider to a physical, in Oct! UGH. Four months I have to wait. I knew it would take time and maybe by then I will change my name.

Other than seeking out information, I did nothing else today. I tried to make a bacon sandwich but the bacon was just fatty with hardly any meat. I threw some of it away because I wasn’t going to eat it. I made the little pieces of meat and had it with toast. I told my mother I wanted penne pasta with gravy so I took a container out of the freezer so we can have it tonight.

While my mother was out, I shave the sides and back of my head till it was smooth as a baby’s behind. It looks kind of weird but I love it. I think the back is a little uneven but there is nothing I can do about it. I might ask my sister to straighten it out. It will grow back even though. It always does.

I was in pain and since I am low on my regular pain meds, I have been using Neurontin. I fell asleep again, hard like I did yesterday. I only woke up because my mother was calling and I had to use the bathroom. I had a shit load of messages on my phone. I have never seen the message bar all lit up before. My watch came in, which I was happy about. The rest of the messages were stupid. I read them while I was in the bathroom. My meds are ready to be picked up. I’ll go tomorrow as I am not feeling like going. Maybe I can get some dark chocolate while I am there.

A friend of mine in England wrote me a private message on FB. She wanted to know that she supports my decision for transitioning and she doesn’t care as I am an amazing person to her. It was a nice message. I haven’t responded because I am kind of overwhelmed with all that she wrote. It’s hard for me to take compliments and have them sink in. I still think I am a piece of shit so it’s really hard for me to hear that I am not and that I mean something to someone that isn’t a family member. I was glad she was so supportive. It means a lot to me because I come from such a judgmental family.

I hope my mother is cooking because I am starving. The Neurontin is making me really hungry. I have eaten more than one meal today, which is good. I am trying to pace myself but I can’t control the hunger cravings. It’s a good thing I don’t have the things I want to have because I would be eating all day. I am going to go to the Square tomorrow to buy burgers. I was going to go to a place but I figure for the price of a burger, I can get a six/seven pack and rolls.

Dinner was good. I had two bowls of pasta. I couldn’t help myself. It was so good. My ankle is hurting me. Earlier in the day as I was going up the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step and kicked it instead of stepping on it. The bottom of my foot is still smarting and my ankle is loving it. I had to take one of my regular pain meds for it.

It’s hot today so I have had the AC running for a little while. I got cold and shut it off. Then it got hot again so it’s back on. I’ll probably keep it on during the night, unless the temp drops and it’s too cold to have it on. You never know with New England how it’s going to be in the night.