Tag: writing

TIVO AND THERAPY

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression

I started the arduous process of transferring my Tivo recordings to the computer. Because my new laptop is new, I have to use my old laptop to transfer the data. I had to download a patch to get it to work. It can be very frustrating.

I had therapy today and did not like it. I had to talk most of the time because my idiot therapist wanted clarification of some things that I wrote on the blog the other day. I had to read it so she could take notes so we could talk about it. I was annoyed because I hate reading what I write. I found that it sucked what I wrote and there were stuff in it that did not make sense so now I have to go over it and fix it. I sent her my suicide attempt blog because she never reads her email, which has my blogs sent to it.

I don’t know if therapy is helping so much as it is just keeping me alive. My therapist and I have a connection that formed in 2005 and since then it has strengthened. though I sometimes wonder if she is a little bit too possessive of me. She was having mini heart attacks when I was going through trying to find another therapist near me. I think she was glad that I never found one and the one that I did was too scared of me to work out. I don’t know what it is that drives me crazy about her. I know she loves me and i love her to some degree and I think that is the problem. We don’t have a sexual love just a very intimate one, least that is what I think we have. I have been burned by so many therapists that even though I have been with this one for 12 yrs I just feel that she will be moving on even though she has not one inclination towards that. We have questioned whether this is right for us, even had a consult about it several times. there is just something I am missing and maybe the help thing was one of it that she picked up on and i am hesitant to ask. I don’t ask for help when I need it. I tried to kill myself at 10 and my mother knew but never got me the help that I needed. I somehow figured that I was left on my own to seek help and then when I got it, i got burned many times. She does help sometimes and sometimes she aggravates the fuck out of me. I have the letters to prove it!!

I know what you mean about the pain. It is when it lingers that it causes problems. I got so much pain, physical and mental, that I just don’t know what to do anymore so have decided that was it but I am still hesitant. My niece is 8 and i dread how my sister is going to tell her I am no longer here and that kind of keeps me going to NOT want to end it but then I get the whole friggen burden thing and think she will be better off without me in her life.

Just wish I knew what my purpose was. Been thinking of what kind of ideas people have when they think of suicide prevention. Yea you can know the warning signs but not everyone will fit into them. What will you say other than you need help? Like if someone unknown to you asks the suicide question or hints around it and you help them out for that day does it really lead to prevention when another person is too guarded to ask for help or even tell someone about it? It drives me crazy thinking about it and then I want to ask these people, like the prez of AAS how can you prevent something you don’t have control of? Even Shniedman said that he would not want to live in a world that is free from suicide. I am rambling…

TG issues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, transgender, writing

So my AAS blog post was posted today. So far I don’t have any likes or comments. I hope that changes in the next twenty-four hours. I feel that it is an important post that people should know about.

Today I went to see my reproductive endocrine doctor to get a handle on my periods. We are trying a new patch that I will start sometime next week. I hope it works because I am started to seriously doubt if I am a man. And if I am not a man I might as well be dead. It’s bad enough I had to have a breast exam today and it only made me want to cut the suckers off all the more. I really am in a bad place. I know I can’t go on like this. I just feel like everyone is against me. I have changed my Facebook name to GC rather than Mike because I feel so discouraged. I am having like an identity crisis. I can’t really decide which name I like better. GC would be easier to deal with for everyone because it’s closer to what people call me any ways…G. But I always felt like Mike was a good name for me since I was a kid. I don’t know. It is so very frustrating. And then today I thought about how many doctors I will have to see to get fully transitioned and get testosterone. Then I thought what if my insurance won’t pay for it? What will I do then? I just don’t know anymore. I wish there was some FTM I could really talk to about this other than my therapist. But I don’t know of anyone. I just know MTF.

And about the bus saga…I was coming home and the bus driver didn’t stop at my stop! I was so pissed. Not that it was a huge deal but I hated the fact that he just went right by it. I am glad that the next stop is just as close to my house as the one I missed. Only problem is that I was standing and doing a balancing act while the bus was in motion. I am now hurting. I pulled a hip flexor or something that is giving me sciatica. I have pain going down my right leg. I hope it settles down. I have been trying to keep off my feet as much as possible to avoid the inevitable ankle pain that will be flaring up any time now. Because I am already in pain, I decided to take a pain med. It is making me feel a little drowsy but then I have been up since 8 this morning.
I have been trying to avoid thinking about the TG stuff for the past couple of weeks. I know that if I think about it too much it gets me into a depressive funk that is hard to get out of. But today while at my doctor’s appointment, my doctor figured out why I wanted to stop my periods. In addition to them triggering my suicidal tendencies, it also reinforces the fact that I am not who I really am. I can’t even begin to tell anyone how much this hurts. They say that emotional pain lasts only 15 mins and any longer is self-inflicted. Apparently these people have never dealt with true emotional pain from being in a different body all the time. Pisses me off that these same experts think that I should be dead. But that will happen later this year, or maybe sooner. I just can’t help but think about it all the time now. I wonder what I am waiting for. I just feel like I should have things planned out so that there aren’t any questions when I go. I want to leave behind notes to people because I don’t want them to think that I didn’t love them enough or that it was their fault I was dead. That my therapist and psychiatrist didn’t do enough to help me. They have done more than they could have done. But the demon inside needs to be let out and kill me. I am holding it at bay but it is so tough not to give in every single time it crosses my mind.

suicide attempt survivors

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

Suicide attempters can be a challenge to clinicians. How to deal with this population that is at risk for attempting again? Research suggests that asking how they feel about their attempt might be useful. In a study in 2005 by Henriques et. Al, found that those that were glad to be alive or were ambivalent did not go on to kill themselves, where as those that felt they intended to die were 2.5 times likely greater to end their life later. This could explain why people attempt suicide once and never do it again and why some people continue to try.

I am a multi-suicide attempt survivor. And I think death is the answer to my problem yet I am still here. Now that could be because of my reasons to live vs. my reasons to die ratio is not high enough or because I suck at trying to kill myself. Another reason is that by chance I am not meant to die, that my time truly has not come but I digress. There were nights I hated myself for surviving my attempts and I still do. According to all the research, I should be dead. My therapist calls this exception to the rule. Maybe I am but I still try to plan my death.

I was not glad that I survived the attempt. I was not feeling ambivalent. But I think some people do have these and they go on living. Yes they have attempted but it also brought to them a realization that they were glad they survived. Something I have never experienced.

Reactions to how an attempter feels after can be an important clinical assessment. Something that might not be used across all clinicians. In this assessment it could perhaps lead to preventions because suicide attempters are more likely to try again. Maybe if we ask how they felt when they first survived, we might find a clue and prevent another attempt through clinical intervention.

© copyright 2013: Collerone, G

A Blog About a Paper and Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, depression

Wrote a paper about suicide attempt survivor’s reaction after reading a research article about it. A friend wanted me to write about it but I am having a hard time because this research just justifies the fact that I should be dead by suicide yet I am not. This paper feeds into the feelings I have that I should not be living. My therapist also wants me to write this paper but from the perspective of what it means to be the exception and not the rule. Yet you cannot defy statistics. Statistically, I should be dead and that feeds my self destructiveness all the more.

Lately I have been thinking about my suicidal plan. It has been on my mind all week. The constriction – blinders – have begun to settle in on me. What does this mean? It means all that I am thinking about is ending my life. It is becoming my obsession. I am writing this on a notepad that I have had for a while now. In it there are two entries about how bad my life is with pain from LAST YEAR. There have been too many nights of pain. So despite the day being pain free, sort of, and my mood being slightly content, the night produces the midnight demons that are bringing me thoughts of self-destruction, of suicide.

Yet I feel that I am a hypocrite for belonging to an organization that is for understanding and preventing suicide. The premise is that if I learn about suicide and the more I learn, maybe it will decrease my urges. But everything that I learn goes out the window when the constriction is in high gear.

Like Mary Chapin Carpenter says, it don’t take much to be happy. But for me it’s like a hurdle. What makes me happy is having my Starbucks coffee at Starbucks, writing in my journal while there, and blog. The only problem is that this happiness doesn’t last. It doesn’t sustain me. Sometimes the feeling my therapist has for me makes me want to live because I know my death will bring her pain and sadness. That is not what I want to do. But I also don’t want to be trapped into living by bringing others joy just by me being alive. I can’t live just for others when I am suffering so much.

My therapist and I have been trying to get to the roots of my suicidality. Mostly what we came up with is that I felt like a burden to my family since I was eight. I started hearing voices when I was five. They have been my constant companion throughout my life. In addition, I was made a girl when I am a boy. That brought me great pain when I realized this. At age ten, I had my 1st suicide attempt – I tried to suffocate myself with a pillowcase. I just see life as pain and I so want to escape from that pain. No medication numbs it or relieves it and now that I am in physical pain, I feel like I am being punished for all the sins I ever committed. Despite asking for forgiveness, I am met with more pain.

Went to the Mary Chapin Carpenter concert last night. She was playing with Shawn Colvin. I didn’t like Shawn too much. All I heard from her was “blah, blah, blah”. I am still hyped from the concert, I’m blaring (softly as it is late) all of Mary Chapin’s albums.

When Mary Chapin played “the hard way” it was like she was telling me that I was on the right path but nothing comes easy. I listened to the concert with hope, sadness, and hopelessness. I was hoping MCC might change my mind but I realized I will let myself down if I don’t kill myself this year. It’s like what went on in 2005 when I planned everything but botched it up when I told my therapist (same one I have today). Now my therapist knows I have a date and that means it is going to be harder for me to go ahead with my plans. I don’t know why I feel I have to do this. I don’t. I can walk away from this and never go back but I will feel a form of defeat one feels when they break an internal promise to themselves.

I realized last night that part of the reason is because I don’t have confidence I’m always going to get my pain medication and that scares me. Because if I can’t get my pain pills, then I rather be dead. It’s not that I am saying I NEED the pills, I am saying that if my pain is not going to be taken seriously and treated with serious meds, I am going to kill myself. Because I cannot bear the thought of suffering and having pain flare up and not have anything to take. If Tylenol worked I would take it. If Ibuprofen worked, I wouldn’t need it. If ketoprofen helped, I wouldn’t need it. The only thing that helps is opioids.

So without my pain meds which have the affect of actually taking away some of my physical pain, I want to die. Yet I also want to die because I have chronic physical pain that makes me have to take pain medication. I guess I just feel that it’s not ok for me to get pain relief. I feel it is a hassle because I have to see my doctor every month and when the pain levels vary due to increase or decrease in activity for the month, I feel like I don’t deserve the meds. My doc gives them to me. He has never denied me my meds. Yet I fear that one day he will not for whatever reason. And that is the reason, well one of them anyways, why I feel I should be dead. I should just be dead. My pain cannot be cured. It cannot completely go away. I am sick of being in pain all the time. Sure the physical pain goes away with meds but the nerve pain does not. And that is what truly makes my life intolerable.