Tag: writing

Editing nightmare, writing, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Editing nightmare, writing, and other things

Earlier this week when I was editing, I noticed that one story had given each paragraph its own page. I fixed it and thought that would be it. Tonight, I went to the next story and there was a similar error. I went to the next and found the same error. I panicked. I knew what I had to do to fix it but it was a lengthy process and would take some time and effort to sort through. It was more than 50 pages of work to sort. I had nothing better to do so cut and pasted I did. I fixed the book and in doing so, “lost” 20 pages. I am up to 125, without edits as I still haven’t inputted them but at least there are no formatting errors, least none that I can see right now.

Because I thought I was up to at least 150 pages of work after putting in some dedication and acknowledgement pages, I figured I could publish the book. Now I can’t because it’s too short for my taste. I really would like to get it up to 200 pages, minimum. It’s probably going to take me another six months or so to get another 75 pages written. I am so disappointed. So close yet no cigar.

My mother annoyed me tonight. I told her I was in pain and she said “well you are going up and down the stairs alright”. WTF She doesn’t fucking get it. The other day when my sister was here she was telling her that I go down the stairs “carefully”. But she said it in a mocking voice. I just can’t win with her. Tomorrow she wants me to clean the stairs, both flights. I will clean the bottom stairs first as those haven’t been done in quite a while. Then we’ll see about the other flight.

I just took a strong pain pill because I couldn’t stand the throbbing in my ankle anymore and the regular pain pills aren’t working. I hope I am not up every fricken two hours. I am really tired. It’s funny, when I want to sleep I can’t and when I need sleep, I do. There is no medium. I know part of it is my fault because I am on my bed most of the time so when I feel the need to lie down, I do and usually sleep, no matter what time of day it is. A sleep doc would have a complete fit if he knew my sleeping habits or lack there of.

It’s extremely windy and it is shaking the house. It kind of scares me because I fear the house will fall in. I know it won’t, sort of, but it still scares me when the house shakes. I hope the wind dies down by the end of the night. I don’t need anxiety on top of pain to keep me up. That just isn’t a good combination.

I talked with my aunt tonight. It didn’t go well. She didn’t know who I was and then started crying. It broke my heart. She wanted me to visit her. I wish I had a car to see her but I don’t. I would have to go by public transportation and it’s a pain because I would have to take two trains and a bus to get to her house. It would be worth it to see her though. I miss her terribly. She is the last surviving sibling in the US on my father’s side. I have one uncle in France but he has dementia and is not doing too well. I don’t talk to him because of the language barrier. He doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak French or Italian.

the need to write

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

The Need to Write

I watched the ballgame most of the way via Twitter. We won 5-3. I didn’t think I was going to last because I was really tired but I knew if they came back and I missed it I would be upset. I am glad I didn’t miss it.

So I lied down and of course pain coursed through my ankle and foot like they do, 10 times worse tonight. I had to take a strong pain pill and some Neurontin. I was taking all shots tonight. Fuck it. I don’t care. I need pain relief. My foot is on fire. My ankle is searing pain. And I have no fire extinguisher other than the Neurontin. My anxiety is up but I already took some Ativan because my right foot was doing this dance tonight that eventually got painful. It just kept on curling up on me, on it’s own. Annoying.

I was able to sleep for a few hours but then woke up because I had to go pee. Damn bladder. Now I am up and I don’t think I can go back to sleep, least not for the next hour or two. I am surprised that I just slept a few hours given the amount of medication that I took. I am still feeling a little paranoid and psychotic. The voices the last few days have not been pleasant. I can tolerate them but it is exhausting. It takes all that I have to ignore their constant bickering, their sarcastic remarks, their criticism, and their commands. If I am doing something one way, they want me to do it another. It’s tiring. I had to take 12 mg of trilafon yesterday to counteract them. I didn’t take it all at once, just every 4-6 hours I took a 4 mg pill. It was the only way to quiet them down.

Later today, I plan on printing out my book. It’s going to be a huge deal because I have 140 pages to go through. Granted the first few are just fluff, just the title page and then copyright page, stuff like that. I want to see if I can do this without an editor. My stories are short so if I take them one at a time, it should be a piece of cake. And unlike my first book, there is nothing to really trigger me because it’s mostly about my psychotic experiences, which I think are funny and amusing. Course, when they were happening they were scary as all hell. But now they are not that way anymore.

I texted my therapist that I was in pain and lazy because I might not be making the pumpkin cupcakes like I wanted to. I am still cursing the Peapod delivery for not delivering the right kind of pumpkin. Now I have to go to the store and get it. But I don’t want to go out later today. I know I am going to be tired as shit as it’s in the middle of the night and I am awake. Plus, it’s going to be raining most of the day. I should have gone to the store yesterday but I was too tired.

writing itch and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I wrote half of what I wanted to write today. I am feeling the writing itch come back to me and it’s good to have it back. I got to take advantage of it while it lasts. I did some editing for the book that I writing, which was good for me. I have another five pages or work so I am up to 120 pages today. Got 80 more to go. I want to write something like an introduction or maybe a preface. I am not sure what that will look like yet.

A friend of mine that I met while I was in the hospital texted me last night. I wasn’t in the mood for talking because it was really late and I was ready for bed. I texted her back this afternoon when I woke up. I just finished talking to her. I like talking with her as she understands what things are like. It’s rare to have a friendship like that. She wants to get together for lunch but I am not really up for it because she lives in the boonies of Mass. It will be really difficult to get to where she is because she is so far west of me, further out than my therapist. I don’t have a car so it’s really difficult to try and get together. I am not that crazy about meeting in person. She is nice and all but it’s been years since I last saw her.

I haven’t read anything today other than my writing. I sent the blog I wrote earlier to both my therapist and psychiatrist. It was just something I wanted to share. I hope they like it. I kind of tweaked it a bit for my book. I was able to stretch it a bit and write more on it.

Ankle has flared up some on me today. I don’t know why. I haven’t done anything all weekend to make it angry. But then, there is a storm flicking through the area. The wind is really terrible. I hope it passes without anyone getting hurt. My Sox are losing right now to the Padres. I thought it was going to be an easy win. I guessed wrong. I was listening to the radio until I couldn’t listen anymore. The announcer I can’t stand kept repeating himself and it got annoying. I am now listening to country radio.

I think I am going to make a cup of tea to help me sleep. It worked really well last night, though I had to pee a few times during the night. That part I didn’t like. Sox lost 2-1. Bummer. They will lose standings in the AL East if they keep dropping games.

Can I go to sleep now?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can I go to sleep now?

Sox game just ended. I was pissed off because they lost to NY AFTER they had the lead. Ziegler sucks. This is the second game in a row they lost. So I was a bit steamed but I couldn’t go to sleep right away. So now I have writing on my mind and felt the need to blog about it.

I read the stone book. It talked about organizing ideas and after I finish my Adler chapter (which I didn’t read today), I will start with my book, reading the first chapter and seeing where I can organize it better. There is a part about cutting that I just threw in there and it’s graphic though not descriptive of cutting. I didn’t like it when I read it after I let it stew for a couple of months but my therapist said to keep it because she doesn’t like to throw things away. I can only imagine what her house must look like if she is a hoarder. So I kept this piece of shitty writing even though it has little to nothing to do with the rest of the piece. It only bothers me because I feel there should be a trigger warning on the chapter because of the cutting nature. And to avoid the warning, I feel I should just take out those shitty paragraphs.

After all the writing in this stone book, there are exercises. The last exercise I read was of cutting up sentences and sorting them differently. Sounded like something that the place I used to go to for writing used. Anyway, the writer said that if you cannot do this exercise, you might as well throw away your computer and go to another profession. I already think this writer is a quack so I am not holding him to what he says. I will just file it in the back of my memory banks and when I am working on my book, I will open these files up and see where it takes me.

I am VERY tired but I can’t sleep because I so want to open the file and do some work on my writing but I need to get up early in the morning for my pain management appointment. I need to leave the house by 0822. Yuck. It’s the first time I have had to get up early in a while.

My therapist is officially on vacation for the next two weeks. What is interesting is that a psychotherapist followed me on twitter about maybe three months ago. He is in his 70s and wants to share his work with like minded therapists because he feels it is important. I thought he was a cuck but there is some merit to what he is talking about. I haven’t engaged him on Twitter. I have no idea if he would be inclined to be in touch with the suicidology clinicians that I know on Twitter. Why he is following me, I have no fricken clue as I am far from being a therapist.

Okay thank you Blogworld. My brain is out of ideas on what else to write tonight so I will check back with you all tomorrow.