frustrating day of pain, therapy, and other things

Frustrating day of pain, therapy, and other things

I slept pretty good after falling asleep after 0330. I woke up around 11. I was hurting a little bit but because it was almost close to 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds, I took them. When I got downstairs to use the bathroom and brush my teeth, my ankle flared. I was cursing but there was nothing I could do about it. I stayed up in my room until I got antsy and then caught the next bus to the square.

Starbucks didn’t have the steak and egg wrap that I usually get so I settled for a turkey bacon sandwich. They also gave me a 4 dollar gift card for my inconvenience. I thought that was nice. I played on my phone as I ate. Terrible news about Las Vegas. And because the shooter is white, they refuse to call it terrorism. Fuckers. Killing 58 people and wounding 575 is terror, I am sorry!! The flood of tweets between the reports and gun control filled my feed. I couldn’t read anymore. I took out my journal and started writing for a bit. I then wanted something sweet so I got up to get something. My ankle didn’t like that at all. In fact, it didn’t like me bearing weight in the slightest. Fucking fuck. I couldn’t go home as it was too late to cancel therapy or try to reschedule. I tried to finish writing the best I could and then when it was time to head to the station, I limped along. Getting to my therapist’s office was going to be a challenge.

I was hot by the time I got to his office. He could tell that I wasn’t ok. I told him I was in a lot of pain. I wasn’t too talkative, though I tried to have a conversation. My brain was void of thoughts. I told him it was hard trying to think. I then told him the progression of how things are going to go and he wanted to think differently about it. I said how and the jerk didn’t have any answers. Like seriously? It’s like saying you shouldn’t be depressed but you are going to be depressed anyway. Let’s just state the obvious. A few times I wanted to snap at him with his snide remarks but I held my tongue. We both fiddled with our fingernails. It was the longest session ever with him. Then he said at one point, do I feel like part of me doesn’t want to talk or something like that. I felt like walking out at that point. I mean, what is the purpose of seeing a therapist that can’t understand you are in pain and don’t feel like fucking talking?? I felt like crying at one point but I stopped myself. He just isn’t worth the tears. I am so glad I am not seeing him next week because it’s a holiday and he is off. I feel like just making appointments with him when I feel like talking. Maybe that will be easier than seeing someone weekly. I don’t know. I feel he is a good therapist, well, a good person to talk to but not someone to really help with my issues. He just placates me, states the obvious, and then doesn’t offer any ways to cope or deal with anything.

Despite not talking in therapy, I did tell him that someone had said that I should make my days count rather than plan dates (in response to my blog about existing). He didn’t understand what that meant. I tried to explain to him and then his reply was, what kind of response are you looking for. Something supportive and not criticizing?? Or even understanding that my days are difficult?? This guy really annoyed the fuck out of me on a really painful day.

Time eventually was up and I walked back to the station. I stopped at Starbucks to get some water so I could take my pain pills. I was really hurting and I still needed to stop at the grocery store to pick up some eggs for my mother. The train came soon as I got to the platform. I was glad. I went to the store and got the eggs. There was a line for the check out. Bad timing. I used the app for the store and didn’t realize it took off $5. I kept on wondering why I was only paying 56 cents for 4 dozen eggs. I finally accepted it and went on my way only to miss the bus by seconds. It was turning the corner as I approached the bus stop. The next one was in a half hour. I was not happy. My mother didn’t make anything I liked for supper so I was on my own. I didn’t want to eat late or order as I knew I wouldn’t be able to go down the stairs to get my delivery. I made some White Castle sliders. My ankle was mega hurting me and I was sweating like a pig because I over dressed. I thought it was cold out but it warmed up. I had to have my mother wash my back because I was soaking wet. Even my underpants was soaked. I couldn’t stand for a shower so I just washed up with a facecloth. I should have peed before leaving jerk face’s office. My bladder was not happy when I came home. It was spasming after I peed. Then a few minutes later, I had to pee again. It hurt. I hate bladder spasms. My mother put the eggs away.

After all was said and done, I went up to my room and took some pain meds and my night meds so I didn’t have to stand again. I don’t know if I will be able to sleep tonight. I am hurting pretty bad. I need to get up early tomorrow to make breakfast and then go to my PT appt. It’s my first session so I am not sure what will be involved. I then have to go to my PCP’s office to get my pain med scripts. I haven’t quite figured out the logistics of that yet. Depending on how I feel, I might take the orange line in and then catch the shuttle to the hospital. Then catch the red line back home. I’ll stop at Walgreens to have my meds filled. I will pick up more sliders for lunch. Maybe this time I will get two boxes as there is only 3 packages per box.

I hope I sleep tonight. I am really tired from being in pain. It’s such a fight every day. I’m tired of fighting. I can’t believe that in one week I’ll be changing my name and seeing the neuro specialist that I hope will help me. I know I’m not really fixable but if there is something that can be done to help ease flare ups, I’m for it.

About G. Collerone

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality
This entry was posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders and tagged , , , , , , , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to frustrating day of pain, therapy, and other things

  1. G. Collerone says:

    Thank you. Back at ya!!

  2. manyofus1980 says:

    I am sending hugs to you my friend

  3. G. Collerone says:

    I wish I could but pain is keeping me up. Just put more medicine on. Hope it helps the bone pain. I just want to fucking die

  4. manyofus1980 says:

    you had a busy day! I’d have been exhausted! sleep ewell my friend. xxxxxx

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