Month: December 2017

short blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. My foot was hurting and I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I slept most of the day. My groceries were delivered around 2000. After everything was put away, I had something to eat as I didn’t have dinner. I made a bagel and then had some multigrain chips with salsa. The bagels were good. It was Thomas’s oat and honey. I really liked them. I was disappointed that my tortilla wraps didn’t come in. I guess instead of making salad wraps, I will just have the salad.

I got the ingredients ready for tomorrow if I feel like making chocolate chip cookies. I’ll probably make them in the afternoon. It all depends on whether my pain is low or not. Right now my foot and ankle are killing me from going all over the house putting the groceries away. My mother gave me a kind of lecture. She doesn’t know where I got the money for the groceries and I am not telling her. It’s none of her business.

Last night I emailed my PT about my ankle pain. I was wondering if there was a tendon near my bone that got mad when I moved it and thus setting off pain. She said there were two bones and a lot of tendons. I would have to show her where the pain was so she could get a better idea of how best to go about treating it. She recommended warm compresses for a few minutes and then rubbing lotion in the area. I’ll have to remember this the next time it flares.

I did some stretching exercises. I didn’t do all but some of what she gave me yesterday. She said that I could move on from doing a few one day and then the rest the following day. As long as I was going some that was better than nothing.

I wanted to shower today but my ankle and foot were being finicky. I didn’t want to risk a flare so I didn’t take one. I will try tomorrow. I have to try and be better about it but when you are in a lot of pain, it is the last thing you think about.

physical therapy and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Physical therapy and other things

I didn’t sleep well. I kept on waking up with a crushing feeling on my foot. It was awful. I couldn’t do anything about it because I had already taken my pain meds and I didn’t want to take the strong pain meds because I had to be out and about by noon. I wasn’t in severe pain but it was just wicked uncomfortable and kept me from sleeping.

I finally woke up around 1045 or so, which left me 45 mins to get ready to catch the bus. I got up and my right leg nearly collapsed. My calf was hurting. If I didn’t have to go to the bathroom right then and there, I probably would have cancelled my PT appt. Once I started walking, my leg got better. I brushed my teeth after I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush yesterday as I just forgot to. I went back upstairs and I had to get dressed. It was cold. I then had the indecision on what to wear. I had several hoodies and sweaters. I couldn’t decide so just grabbed one. It caused an avalanche of the stuff on top. Great. I put things back and stayed for a while to make sure it wouldn’t fall again. A box I was saving fell so it went to the recycle bin as I left. I didn’t wear a baseball hat. I haven’t been wearing them lately. I guess with my hair being so short, none of them fit like they used to so will drop down and I’ve been getting annoyed having to constantly adjust it.

I went to the bus stop and waited. After fifteen minutes, my head was getting cold. I took out my knitted beanie. The bus came and there was no traffic at all. Quite unusual. I got to the PT place with 45 mins to spare. I checked my bank account and had a few dollars. I decided to get a donut as I was hungry. I should have brought the half sandwich from last night’s dinner but I wasn’t thinking. After I ate, I went to check in. My therapist came out as cheery as she is. She makes me laugh. She asked me how my pain was. God I HATE that question. How do you answer it when the “normal” pain chart doesn’t apply to you?? I just said a 7 as my foot felt like it was being crushed. She said that was lower than it was last time. (I last saw her in Oct, did she think my pain was going to stay a 9???) We talked about how things were going and she apologized to me about not letting the other PT at the brace clinic know my pronouns. She said it was a computer glitch and she corrected it as we spoke. She asked me what my sexuality was. I told her I am not sure. I love women and I am a transgender male so I am not sure what that makes me. She said once I am surgically corrected, I could be then in the male category of things. I said I understood. Unfortunately, until I do have surgery, I have to stay female in my medical records, just for my insurance to cover treatment and things. I found that out when I was researching how to change my gender on my license.

She started with some exercises as she felt it was time to move on in our therapy. Fine with me. She said that if any of them hurt, I could stop. So we went through different ones. One of them caused my upper back to cramp up so we definitely stopped that one until it settled down. She said it was because I was going it wrong or something like that. No kidding. She did say that my left quad was not having the same response as my right. I said that was most likely due to my weakness when the disc fragment was in my L3 nerve root. I told her about the cramping of my right leg calf and she gave me some exercises. I am glad she asked me how I was doing them because I was turning my right foot outward and it is supposed to be straight, with the toes facing the wall. OH, that was why I wasn’t getting a stretch. She also said that if I wasn’t getting a stretch to put a towel or something under the ball of my foot to raise the heel a little bit. Good to know. We tried different stuff to get the stretch of the various leg parts. She then wrote them down for me so I could remember how to do them. I probably will forget but she said I could email her with any questions. I really like that she is this awesome! She wanted me to see her twice a week but I got stuff planned the next few weeks so that isn’t going to work. She said as long as I was walking almost every day, that was the important thing.

I went to the pharmacy to fill my pain meds. I was dead tired and wicked hungry by the time I got home. The house was hot, which meant my mother turned up the damn heat. My aunt, cousin, and sister was over. I wanted some soup so as I brought it to the kitchen, I asked my aunt if she wanted some. Fucking lunatic then asked if I was trying to kill her. Who the fuck does that. I walked to the counter and then said if she didn’t want it, all she had to say was no, not give me an explanation or medical results of her cholesterol levels. Seriously, I don’t fucking care!! By the time I was done with my soup, my aunt and sister left. As hot as it was in the house, my foot because a brick of ice. I went up to my room to change into my PJs and threw on some thermal socks to warm up my foot. It was sweltering in my room. I turned down the heat before coming up to my room. There was no way I was going to keep it at 80.

I wanted to order some salsa with the chips I bought. When I open the app, I found that there were some changes to my cart. I checked what it was and they took off my shrimp because it was out of stock. I guess I will have to make the appetizers my friend showed me another time. The delivery will be tomorrow evening. I can’t wait to make chicken Caesar salad wraps. I also bought my cereal as I am all out. I hope the food lasts until my next pay period.

My neurologist still hasn’t responded to my email. I might call the office tomorrow and see if he is in the office this week. He might be off and that is why he hasn’t responded. I don’t know. I am hurting big time so I just took some Neurontin to try and settle the pain. I hope I am not up all night in pain. That would suck.

brace clinic and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Brace clinic and other things

I went to bed late and woke up a few times before 10 am. I wasn’t in as much pain as I thought I would be, which was good. It was rainy and cold out. I went to the post office. A friend of mine wanted my second book so I mailed it to her. I have one copy left .I made oatmeal pancakes for lunch and after I cleaned up, I laid down for about an hour before I had to leave for the brace clinic. The neurologist still hasn’t called in my prescription for the new med. He takes a few days to respond to email so I know he will do it eventually. I’m in no rush.

I went to the brace clinic and they were running behind. They talked about somethings and we tried different braces but didn’t settle on any. The orthotist wants to make some modifications to the AFO I have and then see how that goes. If it doesn’t work, then I will go to the one type of AFO that I liked. I honestly feel like I am wasting my time with them. They don’t want to immobilize me so I guess I will just wear the boot when my ankle flares. The brace that I have and the one that I like don’t do that. But they will help me go up and down stairs better. I am frustrated that this is going to be more than one appointment to sort out.

I went to Walgreens before going home as I needed to pick up my prescription. I came home and my sister had a mutual friend over for dinner. I said hi and then grabbed a dish of pasta before going upstairs. My mother made chicken cutlets. I made a sandwich and at the pasta. I got full quickly and was only able to eat half of my sandwich. Guess it will be lunch tomorrow.

I am seriously questioning whether I should continue going to therapy or not. I was thinking about it until I fell asleep last night. I still haven’t made a decision about it. The thought of calling more therapists isn’t appealing to me. When I see my psychiatrist in two weeks, I will being it up to her again. I honestly don’t feel like I need therapy but that is just me. Still feeling the sting of losing my therapist of 16 yrs. Jan and Feb are going to be difficult months. And I don’t think the turkey brain I am seeing now is going to be helpful to get through it. I thought I was good at moving targets. He is better at it than I am!

a little bit of everything Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A little of everything Monday

I got about 5 hours sleep. I then went to Starbucks after making a PB&J sandwich for lunch. I ordered 6 shots of espresso and a donut. I wrote a little bit before I had to leave to see my psychiatrist. I kind of left early so had like a half hour to kill. I didn’t want to check in that early so I just found a bench outside the office and wrote a little more in my journal.

The appt did not go very well. I told her about having to go through withdrawal last week because I was late in taking my pain meds and she called me an addict. I tried to correct her saying I was dependent but it fell on deaf ears. She kept repeating addict and it make me hurt so bad. I seriously didn’t expect this from someone I have known nearly 25 years. She was being ignorant but it hurt none the less. I vented to my support group about it. I would school her later.

After the appt, I went to the Sprint store to change my name now that I have changed my license. It took maybe 10 mins. Crap. I still had like 2 hours before I had therapy. I went to a Starbucks by my therapist’s office and just ordered hot water for tea. I made Earl Grey. I waited for it to cool so I wouldn’t burn myself. The water was wicked hot. I wrote in my journal about what my psychiatrist had said. I then posted to a Facebook pain group if they had any information about the difference between addiction and dependence. The bathroom at Starbucks was out of order so I left to go to my therapist office. All the drinking fluids was building up and needed relieving. I just made it to the bathroom in time.

Therapy sucked. I told him about what my psych said and he said I should ask her what she meant. After discussing that, I just rambled about anything to make the time pass. I didn’t bring up mommy and daddy issues but the idiot asked me again what was my pain like. I swear he thinks I am making shit up. I told him it varies and depends on where the pain is. It is usually half my foot/ankle going outward starting about the 3rd toe. I told him I got depressed and hopeless and it was hard to keep up the mental stuff with the PT exercises the PT gave me. He said just do them. Yeah, cause it is that fucking easy. Are you serious?? He just annoyed me more than my psych ever did in all the years we worked together.

I get home and on the way, my cousin called me. He was unable to call the bank like he said he would to get information for me. Lazy ass. He said he would tomorrow. Sure, and I will win the lottery too. His mother really irked me because she called me while I was on my way to my psych appt. She wanted to know if my mother was okay. I told her she had to go to the bank, which her brother was going to take her. My mother wasn’t answering the phone. Well, maybe she was in the bathroom getting ready or taking a shit. I don’t know, I am not home. She got me fricken worried and all worked up. My psych sensed it when she saw me. I told her I would call my mother when I left as I was sure she was fine. She was. She was out and did some errands, which she obviously didn’t tell her sister. HOW DARE SHE! LOL fucking stupid bitch my aunt is. Freaks out all the fucking time over NOTHING!! I was so heated!

I get home and had something to eat before going to my room. I had a pile of mail. I brought it up to my room and then checked Facebook. The pain page responded with some links. I clicked on one and there was another link for a medical article on addiction and dependence. I opened it and read some of it. According to the article, because my pain is not adequately treated, I would have pseudoaddiction, where I watch the clock and appear “drug seeking” for relief of pain. I sent the PDF (attached to this blog APS_consensus_document here) to my psych along with saying that I felt hurt when she called me an addict. Then the tears flowed and I was a sobbing mess. It took me a good while to get composure. Then she responded and I bawled again. Fuck. She said it was not her intention to hurt me and that she didn’t want me to be dependent on the narcotics. Too late for that. And for that matter, I am dependent on my mood stabilizer, which I responded back to. I told her I didn’t want to be on opioids but the benefits outweighed the risk. I knew and accepted this just like I knew I needed meds for my mental illness. I told her the example of how I withdrew when I forgot to take my mood stabilizer for two days when my father was ill. I honestly didn’t think anything would happen but I had the same type of dizzy spell I had last week when I missed my pain med dose.

No one wants to be dependent on their meds but it happens to the best of us. I knew when I was 16 I would need to be on meds the rest of my life. There was no doubt about it. I had severe mental illness and the only way to manage it was through medication and therapy. Unfortunately, the therapy part hasn’t worked out yet. I can’t say I am cured, because I still have bouts of debilitating depression and suicidality. But lately, the pain has fucked up everything. Now I am depressed and suicidal due to a medical condition, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome. And there is no fucking way to control it because it is as unpredictable as the New England weather. I don’t even have the same pain twice during a flare up. It is all fucking different as night is to day. The only type of pain that is somewhat consistent is the fucking malleolus pain and the pain that is where my outward ankle and foot merge, just under the malleolus moving toward the foot. This pain drives me up the fucking wall. I had to text the Crisis Text line last night because I needed someone to talk to at 0100. I didn’t get a “counselor” till 0200. By then, I was sleepy and hungry. I made something to eat and then I said night to the “counselor”. The whole thing was useless. She kept wanting me to do some coping skills. I kept wanting to talk about dying. She didn’t want to hear it. How is that helpful?? Next time, I just write in my journal or maybe blog and hope the cops don’t show up at my door.

The temp dropped to 32 degrees. I had to shut the window because it was flipping freezing in my room. My feet got cold as ice so had to put on thermal socks. Then I had to use the bathroom again. I figure I would take my night meds when I came back to my room. My mother wanted me to make her bed. I did. Then got tucked back to my bed only to realize I didn’t take my night meds! Fuck. My ankle didn’t like me getting up again. I quickly took them and then got back under the covers. I put on a long sleeved T shirt. If the heat kicked on, I will take it off. Shit my foot is burning right now. Neurontin time!

Oh, while I met with my psych, we discussed the drug Vimpat. I wanted to make sure there were no interactions with the Trileptal as they both work on the same sodium channel thing. Last thing I need is my sodium (blood salt) to drop. She was okay with me trying it so I emailed the neurologist to go ahead and call it in. He hasn’t so far. The script for a refill of Trileptal my psych put it, never made it to the pharmacy. I had to email her again. For some reason, it had to be reviewed by the pharmacist so it is delayed. I’ve been on this med for over 10 years. If it is not ready for pick up tomorrow, I am calling to find out why it is not ready. If I didn’t have all my meds at this pharmacy, I would switch to another one. But this one is the closest to me and has better service than Rite Aid.