On and On it Goes

On and On it Goes

There has been a Mary Chapin Carpenter song that keeps going round and round my brain the last few weeks. The song is called “On and On it Goes.” The lyrics seem to resonate with how I am feeling and give me a kind of hope that I am needing. It is funny because the album, The Calling, was out in 2006. There are songs that are really good. I liked the album but as things go, I listen to it for a while and then move on to other music. She is no longer on country radio and I am not sure if she is on the genre of folksy music. Regardless, she remains one of my top favorite artists. I think I love her more than any other. Her voice is so soothing to me and I often listen to her music when I need to calm down. She is so amazing. She will be on the Terry Clark (another one of my favorite artists) Country Gold. I have not heard Terry Clark’s podcast in a while. I actually haven’t listened to any podcasts recently. I mostly just been listening to Mary or Luke Combs or sometimes Maren Morris’s “Girl.”

Last night was a rough night. I was highly suicidal and wanted so badly to act on my feelings. I was really struggling. I had sent an email to my psych in the early afternoon that I was okay and didn’t need to call her. Last night, I rescinded that message. I told her I was struggling and that I was not okay though I didn’t think I would really act (I was doing everything I could not to). I had written the email around 2300 but have had no response as of yet. She might have missed it or maybe doesn’t want to respond. I don’t know.

My schedule kind of cleared up a bit for this coming week. My pcp appointment I thought I had wasn’t there so I scheduled another appointment as I need to talk to him about my meds. Next week I will need a refill on anyway, least for the breakthrough meds. For some reason the extended release is a few days later. I have no idea how that happened. I can only think it is because the pharmacy was out and it took a few days to come in so now it is off my schedule for refills. I just have PT, which will be the last visit, and therapy. The following week will be tough as I got three and it could potentially become four with seeing the therapist. Hoping the therapist appointment will be the same day I see my pcp at they are at the same location.

I was feeling really depressed last night. Psychache was heavily weighing on my chest. I was feeling a huge amount of guilt and worthlessness. I also felt like a burden. I was beside myself with grief of not being able to see my psych and also the loss of my therapist of 16 years. The Sox game did not provide the distraction I was looking for as they lost in a big way, 11-2 to the worst team in the MLB. I have no idea why we lose to bad teams yet are able to win against those with winning records. Makes no fricken sense. But this is the 2019 Sox that are sucking so bad. The manager keeps saying “they need to do better” but I don’t know when that will be. Apparently in last night’s blow out, there were a lot of errors. I can’t say I am surprised because the way the lineup was flabbergasted me. They had players that did not regularly play their positions they were in and I can only guess messed up terribly. I know the right fielder did when there was an inside the park home run. It was downhill from there.

I wanted a beer today. I was supposed to see friends today but because of the high heat, we cancelled for another day. I went down to my sister’s to see if my brother in law had the one I was looking for, a Sam Adams ’76. He did. I had some chips and made a cold cut sandwich. By the time I was done with the sandwich, the roof of my mouth was reacting to something. I am not sure if the beer had ginger in it or not. It tasted different than the other Sam Adams I have had and was citrusy. I took a Benadryl just in case the swelling becomes worse. I tweeted the Sam Adams account to see if the beer has ginger in it. It has some strange hops in it that might contain it. There was no ingredient label on the bottle and nothing I could find on google other than the hops used, which might be what I am reacting to as well. My tongue is now being affected so I am glad I took the Benadryl when I did. Not sure if I need more or not.

Since going down to my sister’s, my ankle/foot has been acting up. When I came back to my room, the pain just got worse. I am tempted to take another breakthrough med. Foot is throbbing so intensely. It is bringing on the suicidal state I get into. I hope tonight isn’t going to be like last night. I really don’t want to struggle again. I am still exhausted from all my efforts to avoid acting on my urges. Hope the pain meds work. And the Benadryl. Going to take my night meds now and listen to the game. Hope they beat the shit out of the O’s.

any thoughts?

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