Back in the Abyss

Back in the Abyss

I finished PT and had to get a coffee. It was decent. I then had to wait for the bus a good twenty minutes because I had just missed the one that would take me home. So I had to walk to a bus stop where buses were going by more frequently than where I was to the train station. I didn’t have to wait long for the bus home, thankfully. I was about ¾ of the way home when my ankle exploded in pain and I swore out loud. I then started to panic as I wasn’t sure if I would be able to walk home when my stop came up. The stabbing started and is still going on 5 hours later. It has been in the same fucking spot the past 3-4 weeks. I came home and then went up to my room where I basically have been the whole time, with the exception of going to the bathroom.

I took my meds. A thunderstorm has just started, which probably is why my pain has kicked off. I am so fucking depressed I don’t even care about baseball tonight. I have been on Twitter, though. There have been 3 homeruns, back to back to back. Last I looked at the score it was 8-0 Sox. Hopefully the bullpen doesn’t fuck it up. I have been listening to Luke Combs’s album, This one’s for you. It has tied Garth Brooks’s No Fences album in some record. I am so happy for this guy. I hope he sticks with the country genre and doesn’t move to the country pop shit.

While I was waiting for the bus, there was a guy talking to himself. Sadly, his conversation was similar to the kind I have with my voices all the time. I have been having this recurring fantasy where I am with my psych while I am in a room. She comes in while I am very agitate and just going off with the voices and it is quite clear I am having a conversation with someone. She is watching me while this conversation is going on as I did not notice her coming into the room. She calmly asks who I am talking to and I turn around to answer, thinking it is another voice joining the crowd, when I see her and immediately think “oh shit”. I was busted. I had this happen to me when my voices were out of control back in 2008. I was having a conversation with the voices when my research manager walked by me, mid conversation. God, these voices haven’t happened outside my place but they are with me all the time telling me how to do things or asking why I am going this particular way to a place I frequently go to. It gets annoying depending on my level of anxiety and agitation or if someone pissed me off and I am blowing off steam to them. To this day I am convinced that when my father called me a liar and I was very upset, if I had started engaging them in conversation, I probably would have schizophrenia instead of a mood disorder.

I wanted to order food. I still might as I am getting hungry. I haven’t eaten anything except a protein bar. I think I will be alright as the other day all I did was eat. I didn’t overeat but I just ate more than I have the past few months. I had wanted a beer so I went to my sister’s apartment. While drinking it, she had chips on the counter so I had some. Then I made a sandwich. Unfortunately, I had a reaction to the beer, which sucks because it was good tasting. I ended up having to take some Benadryl. With in an hour or so my tongue and roof of my mouth were feeling normal. I have no idea what kind of hops were used and if it had ginger in it. I doubt it was the citrusy stuff.

I emailed my psych about falling into the abyss as I am so far down a black hole right now. I haven’t showered since sometime last week. I hate that I haven’t washed my hair since getting it cut on Friday. My head is so itchy. I would tonight but my damn foot is hurting to much to risk it. Pain is usually better in the morning but the rain is suppose to continue till the afternoon, so we’ll see. Really hope I can because I feel like crud.

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