I am an idiot

I am an idiot

I can’t sleep because of pain. I was starting to get drowsy around 2130 and I laid down. Around 2300, I got heartburn and the damn foot/ankle pain increased. I looked at it. Veins were popping and the swelling that I had earlier had spread down to the atrophied part of my foot. The swelling is causing me so much pain as my foot feels like it is ready to burst.

I re-read and edited my last blog. I wrote it on the fly and I should read what I wrote before publishing but I never do. I didn’t like the ending but oh well. I sent the blog off to my psych and then when I re-read it, I felt like a fucking idiot. There was stuff in there that she definitely should not know. Now I am just more pissed off at myself. I hate when my thoughts get written and they vanish from my brain only to be read again somewhere, like here or in my journal.

I am having a hard time concentrating because the pain is so fucking intense. I took a breakthrough med around midnight. Not sure it will do anything about the swelling but maybe the pain will go down a notch or two so it can be bearable enough to sleep. I am not sure though. I am never sure. Pain can go down or up. I have absolutely no fucking control of it whatsoever.

I shaved earlier today and now the stubble has come back. The goatee part that has some thicker hair is itchy so I probably will shave it off again. My moustache is growing back ever so slowly. It is getting there. I was reading in the CRPS article how removing breast tissue might cause CRPS to happen in the chest. Now I am freaked out and stuff. If I can’t have top surgery, I might as well fucking die. Won’t matter how much hair is on my face if I still have a fucking chest. This may not happen and I have to believe this. I am not sure when I will have top surgery. I know it will be when the construction to the house is done but it hasn’t even fucking started yet so not sure when the hell it will be. I have to have full use of my arms until then.

I swear, all day I thought it was Saturday. I kind of knew it was Thursday but it just felt like a Saturday to me. Saturday I am supposed to go out with friends for dinner. I got to check the bus schedule to see what time I need to leave for the station. It’s been a while since I have been to the Square on a Saturday. If I can’t be there near the time I am to meet up, I will just hang at Starbucks for a while.

I am really hating myself right now. I so want to be fucking dead and instead, I am still fucking here. I guess I still have next week to sort things out. Next Friday I meet with the new psychopharm. That should be interesting. Not sure what he will do as I am just seeing him for a short period of time. I really want to get off the Lamictal. I don’t think it is helping me at all. I miss being on the Trileptal. It really helped to stabilize my mood and some what help with the pain. I really don’t know what is out there for bipolar disorder but I know I won’t go on Depakote. I don’t want the blood draws. Maybe being on nothing is better. I am saying this with a suicidal mind. Being on nothing will just drive me to the grave sooner.