Feeling frustrated not being able to speak
“Running on empty. There was nothing left but doubt. I picked up my pen and wrote my way out.” Lin-Manuel Miranda
Someone on Twitter had this as their tweet and I had to keep it. It really is fitting as right now, I really need to write how I feel as things are becoming so overwhelming. All week I’ve thought about nothing but suicide. I was sending my psych emails and she would call me out of concern. After one of the calls, I sent her an email explaining how things get for me and I think she understood. I never got a response so I can’t say how she took it.
All week my voice has not been above a whisper. There are a few times where my voice seems to be there but only for a few seconds and then it is gone again. I have been in contact all week with my pcp about this. He was reluctant to prescribe a steroid only for fear of side effects. By Thursday I was not doing any better and I was feeling pretty damn frustrated. My pcp was away so I had to wait 24 hours for a response because no one was covering him apparently. I saw his nurse again and I stressed to him that I wanted to be on steroids to see if they would help. Instead I got a message asking me if I wanted to proceed with being prescribed Friday. I was so fucking pissed off I swore and told the nurse off. I told him that if I wasn’t going to be prescribed anything today (meaning yesterday), I was going to go to an emergency for the throat. He said the message would be part of my medical record and he didn’t like my tone. I didn’t give two fucks. I was aggravated and frustrated that all week I’ve had to rely on email messages to figure out what the fuck to do about my voice. I emailed my psych, who was really worried as she kept harping on it, which forced me to do something about it. I went to the emergency department at another hospital.
I couldn’t talk so I wrote things out that they would need on index cards. I was seen my a physician assistant rather than a doctor. I had to explain what had happened, that an allergic reaction from one week ago caused me to lose my voice. She said that I would need to have a camera put down my throat to see what was going on and she would have to get a doctor to do this. I had to wait some more while she was getting someone. I was more annoyed at this. So this doctor comes in and I have to tell my story, again! He said he would put a camera up my nose to see my vocal cords. Great, another invasive procedure. There was some pain despite the lidocaine as they couldn’t really thread the camera down my nose because of my septum. I don’t know if it was swollen or deviated or what. He might have said but I don’t remember. First he said that things were swollen and I would need steroids. Then he left as he said he wanted a laryngologist to see the video and go from there. He comes back and said that I would need speech therapy as the muscles around my larynx aren’t moving like they should. For Fucks Sake!!! He said just to take an NSAID and make an appointment soon. The PA comes back with the discharge paperwork and some names of some doctors that I can try calling for an appointment over the next few days, which means Monday as it is now the weekend. I am glad I don’t have to be on steroids but I am not happy this isn’t a quick fix. I am to avoid speaking for long periods. I emailed my psych to let her know what was going on.
I came home and was basically crushed. I was overwhelmed that I didn’t kill myself like I wanted to. I was depressed that I had yet another invasive procedure and would probably need another one with a better camera for them to know what was going on. I further did not know how I was to have psychotherapy on Tuesday or see the new psychopharm on Thursday as both require me to speak for at least an hour. All I kept thinking about was just killing myself and now that I know that ginger is lethal for me, I was thinking of getting some gummies or something and that would be that. I emailed my psych telling her I was overwhelmed with everything. She asked if I wanted to talk and I replied you mean whisper. I told her to call me whenever as I had no plans for today.
I told her I wanted to cry but it hurt to have an ugly cry. She said crying would be good. I just can’t seem to be able to do it as my throat hurts so I have to stop. She wants me to follow up and if I can’t get a hold of someone, she will do it for me. Now I know she is really, really worried. She has never heard of this happening. I had sent a message to my urologist last night asking her if the new medicine she has me on can affect other muscles. It is the only thing new and I am not sure this is just a medication issue. She responded that she doesn’t think so but I should ask my pharmacist.
I cannot believe what has transpired in just ten days. I have been trying to write all this since Wed but every time I tried, I would start to cry and my throat would hurt so I would have to stop writing. I couldn’t even talk to some one about it as I have no fucking voice! All I could do was type, which is not the same fucking thing as I found out. Communicating with my mother is the hard part. I need to write down what I need to say to her because otherwise I would have to repeat myself three or four times and that just hurts too much when you have no voice. I had wanted to do some stuff around my room today but my psych said I need to rest as much as possible because of everything. I took a shower and now I am going to try and finish Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix. I have four chapters left in the book. Unfortunately, the chapter I am on is when Sirius dies. I hope I don’t cry.