hearing the rain come down

Hearing the rain come down

It is pouring rain right now and I have my window open listening to it. Such a soothing sound. I hope I don’t have to close my window. I guess if the wind shifts I might have to but right now I can keep it open. I turned off the music so I could listen to it. It’s not every day that you have rain come down like this.

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my meds today. It was exhausting but I did it. This was before the rain had come down. It was nice out, just sprinkles of rain here and there, nothing like what is happening now. I am glad I missed the rain. I hate walking in the rain all wet. I called my neurosurgeon today but didn’t hear back from him. I guess he does want me to have another trial of steroids as he called it in to the pharmacy. I just got a text saying my prescription was ready. I will get it tomorrow after therapy.

I have therapy tomorrow morning. I am kind of nervous about it because I told my therapist she should be asking me about my suicidality. The gears have been turning again and I found myself planning so I let her know that she should be asking about my suicidality. She doesn’t ask, it just gives me more planning ideas. I already have the means to end it. I just need a date to do it.

As I am a lover of pens, there was an ad on facebook and Instagram on pens that were made using the barrels of whiskey. It could be Maker’s Mark, Jim Beam, or Jack Daniels. I chose Jack Daniels and got the pen engraved with my name on it. I figure if I am still here, for now, I might as well have something to commemorate it. So I bought the pen. It is my most expensive pen that I own but it was worth it. It writes well and has the kind of point I love in a ballpoint pen. The top is heavier than the bottom. I don’t like that aspect of it but I guess the mechanism is heavy. I really like this pen. It will not replace my other pens that I love but I will use it like I do when I am looking for something special to write.

I have two appointments tomorrow both are psych related. The first one is with my therapist and the second is with my psychopharm. My first double appointment day in some time. Later this week, I see my PCP. I am not looking forward to that appointment because I have to ask him for a med increase with my pain meds. I hate asking for things. I feel like I don’t deserve it. It was something my father had always said to me when I got sick. He didn’t want to buy the cough medicine or fever medicine so he would say I gotta die because it was my fault I got sick. Every time I got sick, he would tell me this until my mother begged him for money to get the medicine we needed to get better. He was really stingy when it came to money. He felt like it was all his and screw the money for medicine that we needed to survive the flu or cold we were suffering from. It was his joke. I realized then my father didn’t care for my life. As long as he had money in his pocket, that was all he cared about.

any thoughts?

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