Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

harrowing friggen day part 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Harrowing friggin day part 2

So Thursday I saw my neuro. I took my walker because I knew I was going to be hurting walking to the hospital and back. It was a good idea because it also meant I got a seat and the T driver of the trolley waited for me. That was really nice of him. The appointment sucked. She had the basics of CRPS but couldn’t really treat the new symptoms I was having so just said to take Neurontin 3 times a day and have the PT I am seeing use the TENS machine on my foot. I don’t think PT will be able to do this because I am seeing them for my right foot not my left. The PT has told me that they cannot work on two limbs at the same time, the insurance just won’t pay for it. So I am not sure what will happen when I see the PT on Tuesday. I walked away cursing and by the time I got home, I was in so much pain, I just wanted to take my meds and go to bed, which I wanted so badly to do but pain stopped me. I had woken up at 5 am and reached the overtired phase. I couldn’t sleep. I think around 330-345 I laid down but pain caused me to sit up again. By this time it was after 5 am so I was up for 24 hours for the first time ever. When I finally fell asleep, I didn’t wake up until after 1 pm. I stayed up for a few hours and tried to go back to sleep before midnight but that didn’t happen.

Friday I was in no mood to do anything. I was still in pain and I was taking a lot of Neurontin to cope (also hoping it would knock me out). I wanted to shower but I knew that if I tried to stand, I would pay. I had taken a shower the day before and before I even left the house, I was in a lot of pain. This didn’t bode well as it was before noon. The weather has been up and down like crazy. There were a few days that were in the 60s and then it went down to 30s on Thursday so I knew that was one reason. It didn’t improve much the last two days as it got really cold but up to the 50s then back down again. I think it went down to 28 degrees last night. It was so cold, I wore a knitted hat, mostly because I just shaved my head and the coldness in my room made me feel cold. I wore a thermal shirt all weekend. I slept most of the day yesterday. I kind of knew I would because it is always the day after that I am super sleepy for being sleep deprived.

Today I woke up at 7 to use the bathroom and then went back to sleep. I took my morning meds and then passed out. I woke up again at noon. I wasn’t really hungry but I definitely wanted coffee. I had a pop tart. My mother was finishing lunch and watching a Hallmark movie with Kelly Martin playing detective. There was a Matthew playing and my mother thought it was McConaughey. I had to look up the series to find the actor because she didn’t believe me that it wasn’t him. He is too big of an actor to play on Hallmark. I remember to seeing Kelly Martin on the 7th Heaven. She was a teen then. She looks so much older on the series so I looked her up and found she was only two months older than I am! Shit! I never knew that. I guess people age differently even if they are born the same year as you.

I wanted to make cookies today but after I had my coffee, I didn’t want to do anything. I woke up with my upper right arm being itchy. I asked my mother if something was there and she said I had a rash. I was nervous as the Lamictal can cause rashes. I took a shower hoping to wash away the irritant. It has so far, stopped itching. I hope no where else itches because I really don’t want to be allergic to this drug. I have been on it for 5 weeks now. Today will be the start of the 6th, which reminds me I need to do my med boxes. I want to clean the blades of my ceiling fan as they are full of dust. But I need to find the duster and the cloth thing that goes with it. I know the vicinity where they are. I just am too lazy to get up and do it. The shower wiped me out. Maybe I will do it later. I just want to read my book today. I am getting behind in my reading as I didn’t read for three days. I wanted to read while riding to my neuro appointment but I just ended up listening to music. I also found that some music was missing again. GGRRRR I had to uninstall/reinstall the Amazon app. I decided to move the music to a different folder so if I have to do it again, I won’t lose the music again, hopefully. I don’t know why the music file is different than it was. It has a bunch of letters and then the artist/album/song.mp3. Maybe that is so people won’t distribute the music? I don’t know. I have transferred the files to different media (like my SD card and other phones) and the tracks still work. Nix the dusting. Ankle just started hurting, the fucker.

I sort of joined this writing community on Twitter. I followed a bunch of authors and have been picking up some info about writing and the publishing. One person I just followed is also an editor willing to edit your book. I thought that was neat. I asked how much she charges, like per word or word count. She was vague and just said word count. I am not sure I trust someone that is vague. I don’t have anything in progress. I want to start on this story that I started last year but never went back to. I still am not sure if it is worth writing or not. I honestly don’t know if I will just write it just to get it out of my head and then have no one see it or what. I really don’t know if I can publish it because I might be infringing copyrights and stuff. That is the one setback in why I haven’t written. I would hate to write all this stuff and get emotional just for it to sit on my hard drive or other media because of this. But then, I can write it and just be done with it. If it gets published one day, fine. If not, then so be it. I really need to find out about it and I should ask someone who has written with these characters before. I just don’t know if he will talk to me or not.

Not feeling great

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Hi all still not feeling up to blogging so here is a pic of a puppy with a smile on its face

Harrowing friggin day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Had a bad appt with getting to and from my neuro appt and didn’t sleep. Will write about it when I am not so tired. Been up 24 hrs and I am going to try and nap before taking my night meds. Here is a cute pic of a golden retriever and German Shepherd puppies

just my daily blog post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Just my daily blog post

I woke up and didn’t want to get up. But I wanted coffee and a shower. I got up and my feet were killing me. I walked to where I have my clothes and that was extremely difficult so I decided not to take a shower. There would be no way I could stand and I can’t seem to sit and shower. I no longer have the hand held showerhead in there as my mother hated it. And whatever my mother doesn’t like goes away. Pisses me off because I take more showers than she does.

I had some coffee and unfortunately, we chatted. It was all that she felt that if I saw the “right” doctor, I wouldn’t be in so much pain. I told her even if I got an ankle replacement (not even remotely possible), it wouldn’t help. I tried to explain that my nerves were messed up and my brain kept thinking I was in pain when I wasn’t. It fell on deaf ears. No matter what I said, I couldn’t change her mind. I flipped on her and told her to go to the hospital she wanted me to go to. She said she did and the doctor was a jerk. Oh, really? I said I could find you another doctor, he isn’t the only knee surgeon in the place. She didn’t answer me. That shut her up.

I went upstairs once I finished my coffee to get dressed as I had to do an errand for her and get my prescription at the pharmacy. She wanted me to buy some things and I got them for her. I came home and my feet wanted to murder me. I had wrestled the lace up brace on and it was going to stay on. I hate this thing. I won’t be wearing it tomorrow when I see the neuro because if I have to take it off, I won’t be able to put it back on and my ankle will hate me. I am not looking forward to it because it is a long way to go to see my neuro. It takes about an hour and a half from where I live by public transportation. Then there is a walk from the station stop. If I didn’t like this neuro, I would see someone else.

After this, I came back to my room to rest. I wasn’t in a huge amount of pain but I was sure as hell sleepy. I kept nodding off so decided to take a nap. Without meaning to, I slept the entire afternoon. I woke up around 1830 not knowing what day it is. I thought I missed my appointment. But it was still Wednesday. I got up to have something to eat. I really didn’t know what I wanted. My mother made hot dogs and potato pancakes. I had one and then made some tea. I got a couple packages of crackers with peanut butter and had that for supper. I didn’t want to make anything. All I had was pizza or hot dogs. I really need to go to the grocery store to get some food but I am waiting until I get my monthly food stamp money to be deposited on my card. I will go then, if my feet don’t kill me.

I wrote to my therapist last night telling him that I can no longer see him temporarily and could we see each other monthly or so until I literally can be back on my feet. I haven’t had a response yet. I emailed my psych to let her know what has been happening and she wrote that we will go slowly on the new mood stabilizer. I didn’t expect anything else. I told her I thought I was hypomanic the other day with my burst of energy, which is further fucking up my sleep. Today I left a message with my TG doc asking about the T increase as I haven’t heard from her still. I haven’t heard back from her or her secretary either. I feel like so many balls are in the air and no one is catching them. I hope I hear back from my therapist. I feel bad about not seeing him but as I explain to him, it takes a lot of energy which leaves me really hurting after our meetings. I just hope he doesn’t want to end. I will be screwed. I told my psych about this and she didn’t say anything about it. She never does when it comes to therapy. She has told me that whatever I decide she is okay with.

With all this I am feeling really down and feeling useless because I just can’t walk like I used to. I really hope PT helps with my right foot as I need to get better from it. I hate being in so much pain and not knowing what to do to help relieve it. Last night I was putting diclofenac gel on and my heel was really swollen. The gel is the only thing that helps bring the pain down some but not totally. A little is better than nothing. I am really surprised my pain meds doesn’t touch the pain in my heel at all. It just makes me think that something is going on either with the heel or the tendons around it. The golf ball was really inflamed last night as well, and I think that swelling is what irritates my heel because it is right where the plantar fascia is. I’ve been using ice but it numbs it and that is all I get from it. It doesn’t help to bring it down. I really hope my PT has some ideas to help me get back to walking again. I don’t know what I am going to do otherwise and I am NOT getting a cortisol shot! I don’t believe them and think they weaken the tendons more than reduce the swelling.

the golf ball