Category: Bipolar Disorder

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. 😥

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge. 

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 9 Dec 2017

Having a rough day. Was up till around 0530 because of pain. I had taken a shower and slipped twice. My ankle did not want me to stand at all for the lousy 10 minutes. I wish I could say the pain was worth it as I felt better and clean after the shower but didn’t like being up in pain all fucking night. I didn’t sleep well. I was up every couple of hours.

When I woke up in the afternoon because my ankle said so, it was snowing and my room was really warm. I went downstairs and my mother had the heat on above 70 degrees. Bitch. I lowered it. I made some frozen dinners and had ice cream then chips and salsa. I was kind of hungry as I haven’t eaten anything most of the day. I went downstairs to collect my walking boot and my mother wanted ice from my sister’s ice maker. I had to go back to the kitchen to get a bag. I was not fucking happy.

I collected the ice and my stupid brother in law was excited about putting the lights in the front. I don’t fucking care. He never replaced my ceiling fan so I am mad at him. I need a working fan if my mother is going to put the heat on high because she can’t put on a damn heavy sweater. Fuck. I am glad I am not paying the gas bill.

I went back upstairs and my ankle said fuck you. I was fucking heated. I am so sick of dealing with pain I am seeing red. The neuro never responded to my email about the new med not going through to the pharmacy. At this point, I don’t give a fuck.

I’ve decided to quit seeing the therapist I am seeing. I am just done with him. He isn’t helpful and I am tired of his analysis that leaves me with more questions than answers. I started looking for someone else while I was up in the middle of the night. I emailed three therapists that are close by. Hopefully one responds. It might be a while before they do as the holidays are approaching. Good luck to therapist #15, whoever you maybe.

I am so fucking tired. I took some more pain meds and an Ativan as I was really irritable. I was getting to the point of want to take out my aggression on my ankle with a sharp object. Think I am going to take my night meds early and try and sleep or maybe watch a movie. I don’t know. Reading is out because I don’t have the concentration for it. Guess my reading challenge is going to the toilet. There is no way I can read like 7 books in 3 weeks. I’ll be lucky to finish one book by the end of the year. I really want to finish Coraline. Maybe that will be my goal tomorrow. I am half way through the book so it should be easy if I don’t have disabling pain to distract me. I still have Tex by SE Hinton. That should be an easy book, too. So maybe 2 books by year’s end.

While I was up in the middle of the night, I was going over the documents that I needed to collect food stamps. And they have my name wrong!! I got to call them Monday and correct them because all my documents say my legal name, not my birth name. UGH. What idiots did that?? I had filled out the paperwork with G. I am so fucking mad. I am glad I caught it before I submitted the paperwork. Assholes.

baking day and subsequent pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Baking day and subsequent pain

I didn’t have a good night sleep. I woke up around 0330 and then every few hours. I kept on waking up in weird positions that were hurting my back. Then I woke up on my back and it was hurting. I got up because I had to use the bathroom. I then decided to make breakfast. I wanted to make cookies but I wasn’t feeling up to it yet. I went back to my room and my ankle was flaring. I didn’t do much to set it off, but then, you really don’t need to. I took some pain meds and waited for them to kick in. Once they did, I went back to the kitchen to get started on the cookies.

I baked okay. It was the first time making chocolate chip cookies. I was using my mother’s recipe. Only thing I can critique is that I didn’t space the dough on the pans out more. The cookies stuck together. I separated them after they cooled a bit. They tasted pretty good. My foot was aching and I was wicked tired. I needed a nap.

I napped for a couple of hours. I had a strange dream I was playing basketball at the place I did when I was a teen. I missed a shot and the ball hit the backboard. The ball flew almost over the fence but didn’t. I was tracking it down like a centerfielder. Unfortunately, the ball rolled under the fence where it was just enough space for it to roll. I went to grab it and it was like a toy grave yard. There were toys all over the place. I wanted to get my ball and continue playing but I woke up before I got my ball. I sat up when I woke up and that set off foot pain. It hurt really bad. My med app went off telling me it was pain med o’clock so I took my pain meds. My mother wanted me to wash the dishes. It wasn’t going to happen.

My mother called me asking me when I wanted dinner. I said I was in flare and wasn’t hungry. She hung up on me. Whatever she was making smelled good. I carefully stood up and it wasn’t too bad. I went downstairs and my mother was making pasta and some eggs and asparagus. I had some of each. Then my mother and I chit chatted. She got up to go in the other room to watch TV and she said I was to clean up the kitchen. I told her I was still in fricken pain. It doesn’t go away just because I rested. I wish it did but CRPS doesn’t work that way. Once you flare, you are flared! She pissed me off. She wanted me to put away the pans I used for baking and something else, so I said ok. There was no way I could stand to wash dishes. I could barely sit as it is. I asked her if she wanted a cup of tea before I left the kitchen. She said yes. So while the water was boiling, I put away the pans, which was a bitch because there was a cooling rack in the back that prevented the pans from going where they needed to. I had to get on my knees to get the stupid thing.

I brought my mother her tea and limped my way up the stairs. As I went up, she asked if I put away the pans. I said I did. Bitch. My foot just hates me right now. But the cookies were worth it. I was planning on making some cookies tomorrow but my friend, who I ordered an apron from, is mailing it out to me and should arrive some time next week. She wants me to post a pic of something I made with it. After making these cookies, I won’t be baking again anytime soon so I told her I would wait for it to come in. The dough and the cream cheese will stay good for at least a couple of weeks. I still haven’t figured out how to cut the dough as that is not my thing. I have to cut it in 20 parts and place it in a muffin pan with a well for the cream cheese mixture. It looks easy on the video, but might be difficult when I am doing it. We’ll see. I just hope I don’t burn them. That will suck.

I wanted to take a shower after I napped but pain prevented that from happening. I really want to shower as it has been days since my last one. Damn pain is making things impossible. I am going to try anyway. Pain seems to have settled down, some, while I was writing so maybe now is the time. I never know. I might hurt more but it’s close to bedtime so I don’t care.

short blog 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t have a good sleep. My foot was hurting and I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I slept most of the day. My groceries were delivered around 2000. After everything was put away, I had something to eat as I didn’t have dinner. I made a bagel and then had some multigrain chips with salsa. The bagels were good. It was Thomas’s oat and honey. I really liked them. I was disappointed that my tortilla wraps didn’t come in. I guess instead of making salad wraps, I will just have the salad.

I got the ingredients ready for tomorrow if I feel like making chocolate chip cookies. I’ll probably make them in the afternoon. It all depends on whether my pain is low or not. Right now my foot and ankle are killing me from going all over the house putting the groceries away. My mother gave me a kind of lecture. She doesn’t know where I got the money for the groceries and I am not telling her. It’s none of her business.

Last night I emailed my PT about my ankle pain. I was wondering if there was a tendon near my bone that got mad when I moved it and thus setting off pain. She said there were two bones and a lot of tendons. I would have to show her where the pain was so she could get a better idea of how best to go about treating it. She recommended warm compresses for a few minutes and then rubbing lotion in the area. I’ll have to remember this the next time it flares.

I did some stretching exercises. I didn’t do all but some of what she gave me yesterday. She said that I could move on from doing a few one day and then the rest the following day. As long as I was going some that was better than nothing.

I wanted to shower today but my ankle and foot were being finicky. I didn’t want to risk a flare so I didn’t take one. I will try tomorrow. I have to try and be better about it but when you are in a lot of pain, it is the last thing you think about.