Category: Bipolar Disorder

omg what a fucking day!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Omg what a fucking day!

Last night I finally figured out how to use Bixby, which is Samsung’s version of Siri. I set the alarm for 9 am. I wanted to make sure I took my blood pressure meds as I haven’t been so great in taking the morning dose. I woke up about a half hour before my alarm went off because of my bladder. I took my meds and then went to the bathroom.

I then tried to go back to sleep but my ankle said haha, nope. I missed the 945 bus so had to wait an hour for the next one. I needed my espresso fix. I also needed to mail my friend in Canada her birthday/Christmas gift. I hope she likes it. I can’t say what it is because she reads my blogs. I brought my baby with me to work on a story that has been cooking in my head the past few months. I became so overwhelmed when I started with just the title, I almost started bawling at Starbucks. I fought the tears back. Instead of writing the story, I wrote an outline of what I wanted to write instead. Then my friend called and we talked for about an hour. It was a good break. I went home and I was exhausted but I still needed to go to the brace clinic. I was supposed to get a ride from my cousin but he bailed on me.

I came hope and rested for a few minutes. My ankle was hurting so I figure I would wear sneakers rather than my AFO. I wanted them to see what my ankle was like when I was in a lot of pain. They evaluated me. I told the “history” of my ankle pain. And they didn’t have braces on site. Are you fucking kidding me?? I need to go back next week and bring every brace I was in for my ankle problem. Seriously! That is going to be fun bringing this stuff on the bus. After they did what they did, my ankle was really hurting me. I was an hour late with my pain meds but my sister called me so I called her back. I didn’t take my pain meds until I was on the bus. I started going through withdrawal. The dizzy spells came back really bad. I almost fell while going up the stairs. I waited on the couch until I felt better. I tried finding the boot I wore years ago in the cellar but had no idea where my brother in law put it. He brought it up for me.

I gave some time for the pain meds to work but I was still out of sorts. I had something to eat and it helped a little. Now I am hurting really bad and am waiting for my meds to work. I am so tired it’s not funny. I emailed my psychiatrist a rant. I have 3 days of appts, all in a row and I am not sure I will keep all 4 appts. I want to see my therapist but that is the most taxing one as I need to walk 0.3 miles to and from his office. I also see my psych before him. I have to keep the appt next week for the brace because otherwise it might be weeks till I can get back in. I also have PT. I will be in pain till Christmas, but that is okay. It’s not like I am disabled or anything. I am so fucking pissed. I felt like they just didn’t get it. They just want me to use the new brace during flares as they don’t want to limit my mobilization. But being immobile give me less pain. I am so annoyed!!

I have been fighting tears because I am so frustrated. But my meds are kicking in now so I need to lie down. Hope tomorrow isn’t a day filled with pain. Also hope when I lie down, my pain doesn’t increase more than it already is. Chronic pain sucks.

new baby and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

new baby and other things

No I didn’t have a baby baby. I got a new laptop delivered today and it is kind of weird getting used to it. I just tried installing drivers for my printer and that didn’t work. I had problems with it the first time and just remembered why. I have to inactivate my anti-virus software, which I got to learn how to do as the left click doesn’t seem to be working. I am already frustrated with this as I stupidly downloaded some update driver thing and now I can’t find control or programs to uninstall it. I am sure I will get used to it as time goes on. I also do not have Microsoft Office 2016 but office something else. Doesn’t matter because my next pay period I will get MO 2016.

I had a horrible time trying to sleep. According to my phone, I slept around 0420 and then woke up around 1030. I honestly don’t remember when I fell asleep so I am going by my phone. I did chat with someone on twitter about pain. We have been chatting throughout the day. I am glad I have another fellow pain sufferer to commiserate with.

Last night in my struggles for sleep, I tried to apply for food stamps. It was annoying because I kept on getting the same pages but not the page I needed. I was finally able to get it on my Kindle rather than my phone. I have been putting this off but seeing as I won’t be able to get groceries this month, I think it might be good. I printed off the papers I needed on my old laptop as my new one hadn’t come in yet. I had no idea it was going to be delivered today as Dell never emailed me that it was shipped. I am lucky no one stole my CD Rom as that was on my porch when I checked for mail. My mother had something stolen off the porch the week before Thanksgiving so I am more vigilant about getting mail and stuff.

I am getting sleepy so I might have a cup of tea. I really haven’t had much to drink today, aside from a 12 oz soda. I just haven’t been thirsty. Though that doesn’t affect my bladder. I will drink if I think about it, but it creates more problems with my bladder when I do. Just sucks because of my nerve injury.

The brace clinic called me this afternoon. They were totally kind of confused about my name. HAHA. They had some cancellations and wanted to know if I could come in earlier. I said sure. So I will be going in around 1600. I fucking hope they can do something for me. I will be pretty upset if they can’t or if they say, nothing is wrong with me. I have cancelled my therapy and PT appt just so I wouldn’t be stressed but that doesn’t mean anything. I am getting to how I was before I went into the hospital. Last night I was thinking about going back. I was so tempted to get the nearest sharp object and cut my bones out. I didn’t care about whatever damage I caused in the process. I am just very tired of being in pain and dealing with depression. I feel bad for my mother because she hasn’t left the house since her fall on Thanksgiving. I really hope she tries to go out soon but she is stubborn so I doubt it.

will I ever have a low pain day??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Will I ever have a low pain day??

I was texting a friend around 2200 last night and fell asleep on him. I didn’t mean it, it just happened. I woke up a couple hours later, around midnight, from a dream that I was in pain. Except it was true. I was in pain. The side of my foot was burning and then more pain happened as I sat up to take care of the burning pain. I didn’t go back to sleep again till around 5 after having a bowl of cereal. It was the last of my cereal that I had. My sister was going to get me some but I think she forgot. I slept for around 5 hours, waking up again in pain.

My brother in law was going to change my ceiling fan so I decided to shave and shower. My ankle didn’t like it one bit. I stood for too long. But I feel cleaner. My brother in law came home from his weekend trip but wasn’t feeling good. So much for him taking care of the ceiling fan. If I had the money, I would hire someone. I hate depending on him for things.

I went to my sister’s apartment for a plate of leftovers. I put it in for a little over 2 mins and it was half cold, half hot. I ate what was hot and then reheated the plate for another minute or so. My mother wanted tea so I made her and myself a cup. I also had some of my Nantucket cranberry cake. It was awful. The cranberries were terrible, though the cake part was good. I am never buying those brand again. I will only buy Ocean Spray.

Pain is leveling off but my ankle bone pain refuses to yield. I was in BPD chat when it started acting up. That was like 2 hours ago and the pain has only gone down a little bit. Might have to take the strong pain pill. It is always hard to tell if it will get better or worse in time. I hate the unpredictability of this condition. My foot is getting cold. That isn’t a good thing. Last night I was able to avoid wearing thermal socks. I don’t think I will be able to tonight. Temps are supposed to go to the 20s after 1900 or so. I was watching the weatherman’s tweet while I was up this morning. He said the temps were going to be all over the place. And so far they have been. Since putting on a hospital blanket, I have been warmer than using the comforter. Sometimes I need both but I then I get hot and need to take the comforter off. If I had known this thin blanket was so warm, I would have put it on my bed sooner!

OSU vs TTUN and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

OSU vs TTUN and other things

I woke up really early, like 4. I wanted bacon but my mother was sleeping and I knew she wouldn’t like me leaving her a dirty pan on the stove when she got up. So I ordered McD’s. I have been wanting their sausage burrito for a while. I was disappointed I didn’t get the hashbrowns with my order. I made coffee afterwards, thinking I was going to be up for most of the day. Yeah, right. I brought up the coffee and drank it all while reading Coraline. I must have read like 3 pages and then sleepiness took over. So much for a caffeine kick! I set my alarm as I did not want to miss the OSU game at noon. I then slept until it went off.

I got up and the house smelled of bacon! My mother made some and left me a few pieces. Score for my bacon fix! I ate it while watching some stupid Fox analyst panel debate the game as to who was going to win, why, how, blah blah blah. Then the game started and the announcers were pro Xichigan (Michigan to my non-Buckeye fans). I had no say in the network (who does), but I ignored them the best I could. I had tweeted my therapist friend that I would be watching the game. The only time I messed up tweeting was when I thought we scored a field goal and we didn’t. Damn announcers were wrong! I ended up deleting the tweet.

It was a good game. I was sad when their starting quarterback got hurt. I later found out some camera man ran into him prior to the play. The head coach was going to find out who he was because there were a few people that said it was intentional. I don’t know if that is true but I don’t like when my QB gets hurt either. He is an awesome player and has done well with OSU. I’d really hate for a knee injury to end his senior year and potential NFL career because someone hated that we were kicking Xichigan’s ass after halftime. The backup quarterback did well and OSU won 31-20.

My therapist friend loved “watching” my tweets during the game. I laughed and told him he should watch me when I watch a baseball game. HA HA, pitch by pitch and play by play. I have entertained one of my dearest friends that I have known for almost 17 years now. It’s mostly swears, so it is very colorful analysis more than what is going on. LOL I really was surprised I was able to watch the entire game without too much pain. Today has to be the first time all week when I could actually use my ankle the way it is intended. It is a little sore now but I’ve kept up with my pain meds so I don’t think I will be up all night again. Least I hope I won’t.

I have been sneezing like crazy all day. Probably because I got the window open and it was a little warm today so pollen might have come in. I was just scrolling through twitter and one person I follow (who does Pokemon Go) tweeted that she screamed in a restaurant she was at “there is an onion bird in here” follow by pic of onion bird. OMG I am laughing so hard, I am crying. I’ve included the pic (where on closer inspection is a bird with a leek or a scallion in its wing). Hope you get a laugh out of it like I have. I might have to go through the tissue box as I am still cry laughing. LOL