Category: Bipolar Disorder

don’t call me daughter 3

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Don’t call me daughter 3

Warning I am very tired so this might be a little ragged and out of sorts…

I’m having withdrawal symptoms because I forgot to take my pain meds before therapy. I usually take it when I reach his office because it’s around the time I usually take it. Idiot I am. Anyways, I came to a realization after therapy that got me thinking of the title of this blog.

We were talking and he absentmindedly called me a she instead of a he. I guess my reaction was unconscious because he quickly corrected himself. I realized after therapy as I was walking to the station why my mother had upset me so much yesterday and that was because she called me “daughter”. Any female pronouns or use of the word “daughter” will set off a suicidal cascade, which we talked about in therapy. Well, not so much about being the wrong gender but the fact she called me a lazy bastard on Mother’s day.

We spent some time talking about it. He wanted to know my plan because he got the sense I was suicidal. Sometimes I am without me knowing about it because it’s second nature to me. When he miscued and called me a she instead of a he, I really felt degraded. I have been thinking about talking about transgender with him the last 24 hours and I just didn’t bring it up today because the whole Mother’s day incident really had me upset.

I didn’t talk about the nerve pain that sent me over the edge over the weekend and that I was feeling while in his office. I had a bowel movement and it hurt really bad. It wasn’t a crime scene like it was the other day but I was still bleeding a lot. I am going to have to see my doc about what I can do because the pain is so damn bad. He is too new to talk to about this stuff. I wish I could just send him my blogs but he wants me to read them to him. I don’t like reading what I write up, unless it’s a clinical paper or something.

I really need to talk about the transgender piece because it drives me to suicide whenever my mother calls me a “Miss” or “my dear” in her condescending tone that she uses. I just feel so misunderstood about who I am though I know I am a male but to the world I am a fucking female because of the fucking things on my chest.

Monday morning blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Monday morning blog

I woke up a little while ago because my bladder woke me up. My ankle is hurting me and I am running low on my regular pain meds so I took a strong pain pill. I hope the pain settles down because I have therapy today. I want to go back to sleep but I know if I do, I won’t want to do anything for the rest of the day. I’m waiting for the “queen” to get up so I can make pancakes.

As I was going up the stairs, I felt something pinch my big toe on my bad foot. When I got to the top of the stairs, I found it was a piece of wood. I took it out but don’t know if there is still a piece in there. My toe is throbbing like it’s still being stabbed, but I know that is the nerve pain.

My mother didn’t go out like I was hoping she would. She is washing clothes. I made the pancakes anyway. I didn’t really like them. I put chocolate chips in it and it was too sweet. I usually don’t but wanted to try something different.

I’ll be heading out to Starbucks soon to have my espresso. I am going to try and work on my blog project. It’s raining, which is probably why my pain is through the roof and I have the beginning of a migraine. I took my migraine meds so it will go away. I don’t have time to deal with my head hurting today.

I don’t feel like showering. I did brush my teeth. I really just want to go back to bed and sleep but I have therapy and if I do, I am going to be in a mood. Maybe I can nap on the bus.

Mother’s Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Mother’s Day 2017

Last night I left my mother her card for Mother’s Day and she opened it. She came into my room when she came upstairs and said thank you. This morning I wished her Happy Mother’s Day and spent some time in the kitchen as I made my coffee. I should have gone upstairs after I made it but I didn’t. Big mistake. My mother started complaining about how I should go through my clothes and hang them up in my shitty closet. Then she was saying how she needs to clean this and that but she can’t do it because she doesn’t have the energy.

When I was finished with my coffee, I noticed two pans in the sink. I asked her if she had two different types of eggs and that is when she called me a lazy bastard because I didn’t clean the one of the pans from yesterday. I felt so hurt. I just wanted to die and wished I never been born.

My sister told us to come to her place around 1500 for dinner. I really didn’t want to go. I just wanted to stay in bed and watch a movie. I finally loaded my new software and wanted to see how the picture quality is. I couldn’t believe that once I loaded it, it said it needed to be upgraded. I clicked on the link, thinking it was some kind of update software, nope it was a different version for $50! Fuck that. Dell was selling the 16 version for $80. Rip off! I will stick with using this laptop for movies.

Dinner was good. My sister made a surf and turf. I had some shrimp but didn’t eat the lobster as I don’t like it. The steak was ok. I loved the mashed potatoes and the corn, even though my niece complained about the potatoes the whole time. It was really annoying. I love my niece but she can be extremely opinionated about things and there is no point in arguing with her because you are wrong. My foot/ankle started acting up so I left. I needed pain meds and my bed to relax.

I wanted to make pancakes this morning and had tweeted the person that gave me the recipe but I made the mistake of going back to sleep. That sapped my energy and I really didn’t want to do anything. I got hungry before dinner was ready and had some Doritos. If I was a lazy bastard, I would be a fat lazy bastard. My mother is always saying shit like this to me. She calls me lazy all the time. But yet, when she needs something at Walgreens or the store, it’s okay to ask me to get it for her. Pisses me off. And also depresses me because I don’t feel valued by her at all. I think she would just be better off without me.

I keep thinking of ending my life and today is no different. I also think about how it would effect my nieces and nephew. They are the ones that really keep me here, when the blinders are not on so heavily. I just feel like a piece of shit that needs to be disposed of. I will one of these days.

Saturday Blog 83

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 83

I woke up at 4 because my bladder woke me up. I had a hard time going back to sleep so I stayed up for a little bit. When I did go back, I woke up late and didn’t want to get out of bed. I forced myself out of bed, went to the bathroom and brushed my teeth. I then decided to make coffee. I made the last of Casi Cielo. Coffee was so good. When it comes out next year, I am buying two bags.

It was almost 1130 by the time I finished brewing my coffee. I had to go to the post office to send back my new Bluetooth headset. I brought the coffee with me as I wasn’t done with it and I didn’t want to let it get cold. I then went to a drug store to see if I could get biofreeze for my pain. It was really expensive there so I didn’t get it. The price of the lidocaine had gone up. I think I paid less than $10 for the one I have now. Now the price is over $10 and up for the various sizes. I didn’t buy anything, though I did contemplate buying my mother some flowers that they had. I couldn’t decide which pot to buy so I just left. It was really warm in the store and when I left the store I took off the shirt I was wearing. It was too heavy for the weather.

I came home and read the CBT book. I finished reading the chapter I started the other day. There is a lot of information in this chapter so I might have to read it again when I take notes on it for my review. After reading the chapter I decided to make some lunch. My mother is at a birthday party so I am left to my own devices. I think I might make a bacon sandwich for supper or I might make a PB&J. I haven’t really decided what to make. I haven’t made bacon in a while.

I have been listening to Linkin Park since yesterday. I am in that kind of mood. Their music just hits the feels, if you know what I mean. It’s good music to just get lost in and forget things.

I want to take a nap. I am in a lot of pain, in one form or another and it’s tiring me out. It’s really depressing me because there is nothing I can do for one of the pains that I feel because it’s nerve pain. I am also depressed because I know that I can’t walk to my “suicide spot”. I realized this on Thursday when I had my bad flare up. I’m either going to have to take a cab there or do it at home, which I don’t want to do. I really don’t want to be found by a family member.

I just made a PB&J sandwich and when I said as much on Twitter, a new Indian restaurant in Cambridge tweeted me back. I have been dying to have Chicken Tikki Masala. I might have to check them out. I wish I knew someone that liked Indian food would go with me. Maybe I can have my friend come with me if I can steal him away from his girlfriend.