Category: Bipolar Disorder

I Voted!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I voted!

I got the Zipcar today and put extra time on it so I could vote early. Next week would have been difficult for me because I would either have to reserve a car or take 4 buses to the voting polls. I wasn’t going to do either. By the time I was done, I still had 45 minutes left on my time before returning the car. I got gas. There was a line. I didn’t know 1500 was the ideal time to get gas in my city. Every pump had a car. I waited as I had time to kill anyways.

I am sad that my childhood friend that moved to California and is visiting right now, I won’t be able to see. We probably would have if I didn’t go see my therapist. No matter, I will be having dinner with another friend tonight at the Thai place we like.

Therapy went okay. We talked a lot about my pain meds and how nervous I was about it. I had emailed my psychiatrist to email the NP about it because I feel like I will be in trouble otherwise. I just feel that the NP needs to know how much the pain is interfering with my mental health because it is so severe. I didn’t want to say it was causing me to be suicidal because that might cause more trouble than it’s worth.

Next week I need to go to Government Center to find out where the CBT office building is. We also talked about that in therapy. I am having hesitations about this form of therapy because it relies heavily on worksheets and such. The last thing I need is to write on paper at 3 in the morning what I am going through so this therapist has some clue. Nothing can be more clear than I want to die because the pain is so severe. I also hope that once they find out I have a regular therapist, they don’t stop this treatment. I am not going to choose between the two and neither is my therapist.

I had a nice night out with my friend. The Thai food was delicious. I ordered two spring rolls and was able to take one home for tomorrow’s lunch. I had a really nice time out though coming back my ankle started hurting. First time in a long time I had spent so much time out and in my brace. I knew it was going to flare, it was just a matter of time. I don’t need to flip a coin tonight as I already decided which pain pill to take. Friday can’t come fast enough.

depressing and psychotic day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s been a depressing day for me. I also have been psychotic as I was late taking my pill today. I went out earlier than usual to get my espresso. I woke up feeling really hungover because I took extra Neurontin, hoping it would quiet my pain. No such luck, but it helped me sleep through the night, so that is a plus. While I was at Starbucks, I wrote in my journal and edited my book. I have 100 pages left to edit. I probably would have done more today but I was really tired, even after drinking the espresso.

Before I came home, I went to Walgreens. My mother needed her prescriptions and so did I. I also needed to get some cards. I was hoping they would have spaghetti and meatballs in their freezer section but they didn’t. When I came home, I made some pizza. I didn’t have lunch at Starbucks, though I probably should have. I was starving when I got home. I had a bagel before I left. I guess the extra Neurontin is making my appetite horrendous like it always does. I won’t be able to take it tonight because I need to drive tomorrow. I don’t want to be hungover and drive. That wouldn’t be good.

I have been feeling weepy today for some reason. I think it was because I was hungry. I feel better now that I ate, though I still feel depressed. It’s hard to feel anything else when the voices are calling you an asshole. That is all they are saying, over and over and over again. This weekend I was a turd and a dipshit. Now I’m an asshole. I wonder what names they will be calling me tomorrow. It’s so tiring to hear them day in and day out. It takes a lot of energy to block them out, which is why I am so tired.

My pain levels are, so far anyway, minimal. But it’s getting cold in my room so that might change. Doesn’t help that I still have the AC in my window. I never talk politics on my blog because I am idiot when it comes to it, but I still follow what goes on so I have some clue. When I was at the party Saturday, there was a guy that said he was voting for Trump because he liked him better than Hillary. I was like, you got to be fucking kidding me. You are at a married lesbian party and you are voting for an antigay guy?? What the hell do you think is going to happen to your friends if he gets elected? Their marriage will be void, they might have to go through torturous conversion therapy or worse. But yea, pick the child rapist over someone who has fought long and hard for the people in this country because she deleted 33000 emails. PFFTT. It gets me really upset that men are voting for this idiot because he is, well, a guy. That is all I will say on the matter.

I will be voting, hopefully, tomorrow. I wish it ended the shitshow but I still have a week and a day before that happens. Not that it truly is going to end. Trump will find any reason to be in the news long after the election is over. The media just eats him up like candy. It’s sickening.

The cake that I made on Saturday is gone. My therapist will have the very last piece. I guess my mother liked it because she has been eating it as well. If I can find another 10 inch pie plate, I will make it for Christmas and/or Thanksgiving.

As I am running low on my medication and won’t get a refill until Friday, I have decided to flip a coin as to which pill to take. This sucks so bad. I wish my other PCP was still at my doctor’s office. I wouldn’t be in this mess that I am in. He listened. He cared. Now I don’t have someone who has my back. Man, I am so depressed.

an upsetting chat

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

An upsetting chat

Nathaan Demers ‏@Doc_Demers 3h3 hours ago
We need protocols in primary care regarding MH & suicidal ideation. We flag pt records for med conditions- lets do the same for MH. #spsm

I came across this statement while going through the SPSM chat that goes on every Sunday on Twitter. What I find upsetting is that these suicide preventionists don’t realize that suicide and suicidal thinking are time limited. People who think of this in time of extreme distress are not going to think about it down the line. Now if they make an attempt, that is a different matter.

The way I see it, you can let the medical providers know that the patient has mental health issues. I am for that. But telling them they have suicidal ideation that won’t go on like pneumonia is just foolish. Sure you can document that the person had ideation but for what? So that some idiot insurance policy can deny claims because they were going through a tough patch and wanted to get out of it? To me, that is just perpetuating the stigma of suicide. If the patient attempted suicide, then that is cause for concern because the best indicator that we have right now is survived attempts leading to a death by suicide.

This isn’t the first chat that has called for the medical providers and mental health professionals to be working together. But once you place it in the patient’s chart, it’s there forever. You can’t erase it. More thought needs to go into this before I feel comfortable about my own thoughts going into my medical record. We’re not talking about a deathly reaction to penicillin. Those kind of things should of course be documented at every medical visit.

But passing suicidal thoughts that were thought of last week or last month or even ten years ago? Everyone has these thoughts. Not all go through with them. It’s the attempts that should be documented not the ideas if we want to save a life. Granted patients might be ashamed or embarrassed to bring up a failed attempt but it should be asked about. And again, this should all be done with dignity and respect and compassion. It shouldn’t be hurried and passed over once talked about. It should also be respected about the time. If the patient is currently have these thoughts they should be addressed. If it happened ten years ago and the patient is stable, then in my opinion, it should be documented but not be hounded and beaten to death. The crisis is over and dealt with. It’s what is going on now in the patient’s life that should matter, not the long ago past.