Category: Bipolar Disorder

Post 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 2018

I somehow managed to change my sheets and take out my back at the same time. And then managed a shower. I am completely worn out. My comforter is damp so I have to put it back in the dryer. I hate when I let my mother do the washing and drying. She never puts the comforter in long enough. Drives me crazy.

I have been texting my therapist most of the afternoon. I don’t think I will be able to see her tomorrow like I had planned. There is no way I can go up the hill to the car with my back being sore. I need a day to rest it. So I will plan on going out on Wednesday.

I have been playing with my grocery order. My mother needs milk and juice but she doesn’t like the juice I buy. So I had to get another brand. I wasn’t going to get coffee cake but changed my mind because I won’t have cake until the weekend and that is too far away. I will take some to Starbucks with me to have while drinking my espresso. No matter how I tried to get it below $200, I just couldn’t manage it. I am buying stuff that I need and those items are expensive, like steak and fish. I also got my favorite pizza so I don’t have to order out. It’s like $4 compared to the pizza place’s $11.

I am feeling depressed over my back being out. It’s hard for me to stand for long periods of time and changing my sheets just killed me. It’s not like I could sit down and put the sheets on. Didn’t help that the fitted sheet gave me so much trouble. I must have struggled with it at least four times as I kept on getting the wrong corner and then that corner would pop off while putting on another corner. So frustrating. Last time I changed my sheets, it took me no time at all to put on the fitted sheet. Now the trick is to keep my bed clear so that when I have to change my sheets again, it won’t be such a project. I think I am just going to keep my laptop and journal on my bed. And of course, my tissues. Those are the essentials.

I got a gift from a dear friend of mine today that cheered me up some. She sent me a mechanical Brutus doll. Brutus is the mascot for the Ohio State Buckeyes, my favorite college football team. It was so nice of her to send him to me. I have him in my office on my desk.

I think tonight is going to be an early night for me. I am in pain and I just want to lie down. But I can’t go to sleep until my comforter is dry. I hope it will be ready in the next hour or so. I plan to take my meds then and hopefully be asleep by 2200. I just hope I don’t wake up at 0630 again. That sucks.

Daily Word Prompt-Tiny

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Daily Word Prompt-Tiny

Today’s Daily Word Prompt is Tiny. I have been thinking of what to write for this. This is a side of me that I am embarrassed to share so please bare with me.

For the longest time, I felt like I was a tiny person. I know my outward appearance is nothing but tiny, especially since I have gained significant weight over the last twenty years. But inside, I felt small, like I didn’t matter because I was so tiny. I don’t know when this happened and I certainly don’t know when that has changed.

I remember when I was in therapy in the early years with my current therapist, I wanted to explain to her how small I felt inside, that I didn’t matter because I wasn’t big enough to handle things. We never did talk about it because I was afraid she would laugh at me or give me some other condescending talk. I never felt valued, that I was disposable. I still sort of feel this way at times, especially when my family wants to just dispose of my things that I cherish because they think it is “junk”. My middle sister often calls me a hoarder, though I am not. I just have clothes and papers everywhere because I have no place to put them or I am too lazy to actually put them somewhere other than the floor of my room.

If anything, I am a hoarder of books and research articles/journals. But being called that makes me shrink. It makes me feel alone and not being able to talk to my family about what is troubling me. Hell, my youngest sister thinks all I need is a clean rug to make me feel better. WTF. I do have a collection of boxes from Amazon. I don’t know how it accumulated. I have been lazy to put them in the recycle bin. Even though they are near my door, I never grab them as I am leaving to throw them away. It’s like I have just one thing on my mind and that is to leave to where I am going, which is usually to catch the bus. Therefore, I can’t be bothered to dump things in the recycle bin. When I do, it’s usually when the bin has been cleared by the recycling people that come and empty it.

It gives me a certain comfort to be surrounded by my things. It might make me feel insignificant, but I feel a kind of comfort in that place. It still makes me feel small, though. It’s like I have these huge piles of things surrounding me and I am in the middle of it. Sometimes it is suffocating because I have so much space to get around but it’s not enough to get by. I feel miniscule when that suffocation hits. It doesn’t happen all the time but it does happen.

The person that most made me feel tiny was my father. He would say things that would make me shrink away. There was no way to stop his abusive ways. For years he would make me feel insignificant and small. Like I was a tiny bug that should be stepped on. That is when he would feel his best and I would feel the worst. When I was older, I realized that whenever I would climb the ladder to get out of the pit I was in, he would take the ladder away and I would fall back into the pit. There was no way out. I guess that is why my suicidality is so strong. I still feel like whenever I am in that pit, I feel hopeless about getting out because someone is going to take away that ladder. It never fails. And you can only fall so many times before you realize why bother getting up one more time. You are after all a tiny thing that doesn’t deserve it.

Early start to a Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Early start to a Monday

I have been having a difficult night sleeping. I got a stuffy nose so I couldn’t breathe right for most of the night. I kept waking up having to sniff. I knew if I got up to blow my nose, that would be it and I would be up. I finally gave up around 0630 and blew my nose. I was pretty congested so I took my nasal medicine. I hope I am not getting a cold. I hate colds more than I do other illnesses. I haven’t been in contact with anyone with a cold so I hope it’s just allergies. Course the weather has been a pain in the neck the past few days. One day it’s 70 degrees the next it’s in the 50’s or below. All this week it’s supposed to be in the 40’s. Fun.

My ankle and foot are hurting me and I said fuck it, I took two pain pills. Then I got stabbing pains in my foot that are killing me so I made the right choice. Now I just need to wait for them to kick in. I should be sleeping most of the day. I just hope my nose cooperates.

I checked my bank account and my check didn’t come in. I had a feeling it wasn’t going to. I don’t know if it is my bank that is the issue or the LTD people. I should get it tomorrow morning. What a bummer. I really was hoping to get some things today that I need, like my groceries and my car reservations. Now I got to wait. I hate being dependent on someone else’s time.

If I am up to it, I might go to the Square today and take the bus to city hall to vote. It all depends on my mood. I should make coffee but I don’t want to be up until later this afternoon. If I drink coffee at home, I usually don’t go out to get coffee because that will be too much caffeine for me. I will be bouncing off the walls and jittery and I don’t like that feeling.

I am so looking forward to making my Nantucket Cranberry Cake this week. I finally will be using the food processor I bought. I hope using it is easy. I have never used one before. I know the cake is going to be yummy. Then for the party I am going to, I will be making my pumpkin cake. I love cake, in case you haven’t figured that out yet, LOL. I have gained about 5 pounds since baking all this stuff, but I think the Neurontin that I have been taking the last week and a half has been helping to keep it on and then some.

Well, my meds are kicking in faster than I thought they would. I am feeling really drowsy. I hope I sleep. Until later my friends.

Restless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Restless

After supper, I was really sleepy so I took a nap. A four hour nap. Now I am so restless that I can’t sleep, even though I am tired as all hell. I started watching the movie “Lincoln” and was dozing off so I thought I would fall asleep. Yea, right. Soon as I laid down, I woke up. I hate when that happens.

My sister tried to reconcile what she had said. I don’t know if she was responding to the blog I wrote or the Facebook message that I was pissed off. She offered to help clean my room as “having a clean rug will make me feel better”. Yea, that will solve my problems. A clean rug. Hold the phone. I need to call my therapist and psychiatrist and tell them all I needed was a clean rug and boom, my bipolar disorder and other illness would be cured. Idiot. I can barely stand the smell of the clean rugs downstairs which means if I do manage to clean my room (not happening but I can dream), I would be stuck with the smell of the chemicals for at least a week, which means I wouldn’t be able to live in my room like I do. It’s getting colder and I would have to keep the window open to air out the room. It’s nice that my sister wants to do this but it’s just not going to happen.

I am hoping my check comes in tomorrow, but lately it’s been coming in on a Tuesday so we’ll see. I will know in about four hours. I hope I am not up because that will suck. My foot has been bordering on severe pain so I might have to take a strong pain pill as the regular pills just aren’t covering me. I really hate taking the strong pain pill because I get high and dopey before I pass out. I hate feeling that way. I also don’t want to become tolerant to this medication so I rather take it as infrequently as possible. I know my psychiatrist wants me to take it when my pain exceeds my tolerance but I have the right to reserve to take it. I rather wait for the regular pain pills to work and then take the stronger pain pill if that doesn’t happen.

I don’t know why, but I feel like I am going to be in “trouble” when I see my NP in two weeks. I know I haven’t done anything wrong but it feels like I have. I can’t explain it. I know my childhood fears are going on. Why, I have no clue. I really miss my last PCP. He got my depression and was willing to work with me on my pain to help ease it. I haven’t had that consistency since he left. If I told him I was suicidal because of my pain, I know he would do something to help me manage it better. I guess I am just tired of fighting to get what I want because these drugs have come under fire lately and I feel that if I push my providers, I might not get anything. That is my biggest fear, that my providers will stop prescribing and then I will be screwed.

I don’t have any plans for tomorrow. I might try and go vote early even though it will be a pain in the ass. I might do it Tuesday when I have the car so it won’t be such a pain. Least, I am hoping I have the car to see my therapist. It all depends on if my check comes in and my car is available.