Category: Bipolar Disorder

Completely out of spoons

My groceries came and by the time I put everything away, including going to the basement for the frozen items, I was wiped out. In fact, I am pretty sure I am in the negative for my spoon count. I had a choice to make, shower or make dinner and actually eat it. I chose a shower followed by an Ensure. It’s not a meal but it’s something. I hope it will hold me off till tomorrow morning. I am so tired. I feel completely exhausted and I hope I get some sleep.

My ankle is starting to hurt so I know I did too much. I did order a car for tomorrow to see my therapist. It’s down the street rather than up the street so I think I can manage it. But it’s early in the morning and I am not a morning person. I set two alarms so I can make it. There is a chance I will wake up before it rings but just in case. Lately, I have been waking up before 0630.

Because I am not planning on baking, I have decided to donate the Boston coffee cake to the party I will be going to Saturday night. There is a chance I still might make one of the cakes Friday but just in case I don’t feel like it, I won’t show up empty handed. I was really looking forward to that coffee cake, too. I should have bought two.

I can’t believe how exhausted I am. I really didn’t do more than what I normally do and I had caffeine. I guess my stamina has taken a hit because I have been spending more time in the house than I normally do. But it’s so hard to get out when you are in pain most of the time or haven’t had a good sleep because of pain. I think I finally broke the pain cycle but the pain is still there, just not as severe as it was. I hope later tonight I am not in mind boggling pain. I never know when my pain will flare up. I could move my ankle a millimeter and that is all it takes to start it up. And this is after resting it for several hours.

I hate having to decide what activity to do. If I wasn’t so wiped out after getting my haircut and going to Starbucks, I probably would have had dinner and then shower. But tonight it was one or the other. I couldn’t have both, not after the groceries took every ounce of energy I had. I still didn’t put all of them away. I will save that for another day. Or my mother will put them away, like she normally does because I take too long. She doesn’t get it. She think she does or pretends to, but she really doesn’t. And she suffers from chronic back pain, you think she would understand.

I have been trying to take it easy on myself since changing my sheets the other day. My back still hasn’t fully recovered, which was probably why I am exhausted tonight. Today is the first time going out since I took out my back. I guess I wasn’t up to being myself but I had to go out. The four walls can only stare at me for so long before they get to me. I didn’t go out this weekend because the T is crap and they were diverting buses. I rather stay home than deal with that mess. Only time I went out was to get my prescriptions and corn chips at Walgreens. It bothers me that I am still limited in what I can and can’t do. But my body doesn’t tell me right away that doing these things is taking spoons away. Before you know it, I am in the negative and I am exhausted. I know part of it is I push myself without knowing it. Normally getting a haircut and going to Starbucks doesn’t wear me out. But throw in back pain just two days ago and wham, I am out of spoons real fast.

I find it hard to control my life when there are these invisible things that I can’t foresee. I know that getting groceries wore me out quicker because I had to go back and forth and all around the house to put them away. Then stand at the fridge to put them away. This takes energy and I forget that. It’s one thing to stand in front of the fridge because you are hungry; quite another when you are putting things away. And carrying a gallon of milk and juice isn’t a light load. It just adds to the strain of your back pain. No wonder I was really pooped by the end of the groceries and only had enough energy left to either shower and shave or cook and eat. I knew I had to wash my hair because there was no way I could sleep in my clean sheets with hair clippings on my head. And even if I could manage it, washing my hair in the sink would just put most strain on my back. So I showered. It’s not like missing a meal would harm me. I am not a malnourished person, anything but. I had an Ensure though because I was hungry. Those things come in handy when you need them.