Category: Bipolar Disorder

Voices still reign

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Voices still reign

I slept for about three hours before I was up again around 0400. It took me forever to get back to sleep. Before I did, I emailed my psychiatrist to let her know of my insomnia and asked if she was angry with me. I didn’t expect a response. The voices have been telling me everyone is against me and not to believe what anyone is saying. I haven’t taken any trilafon since Friday night for the paranoia. I still am feeling slightly paranoid, as I stated in my email and I am also fearful for no reason.

I went back to sleep for a few more hours. I knew it was going to be a rough day as I had so much difficulty sleeping. Around 1230, my psych responded, saying she was not angry with me and why did I think that. I started writing about the voices and then I started crying. I was relieved she wasn’t mad at me. I have been so confused that I don’t know what to believe anymore. I feel like I am being spied on all the time. The heat isn’t helping matters. I had to shut the AC off because my room got too cold and now after my afternoon nap, it’s hotter than hell again. I was having a weird dream where I turned on the AC and then fell back to sleep. I guess that was why I was confused when I woke up as to how the AC was off when I turned it on.

When I was up, I was watching the game as it just started. Jerry Remy was not in the booth so there was no point in watching TV. I hate Steve Lyons. He just makes dumb calls. I think he is a terrible analyst. O’Brien isn’t too bad. But I like him better on the radio than TV. We won 2-1. Price got the win, finally. It is fun to watch him pitch but I don’t like him as a person.

The voices have been telling me to read all day. So after I write this blog, I am going to do just that. I think I am going to read the “online presence” book. That is fairly easy to read and I am having fun with it. One of the tools it showed me was Google Analytics. Unfortunately, because my website is maintained by WordPress, it can’t show me data. I am bummed. It’s a free service but I can’t use it. WordPress does provide a nice job with Stats but there are search terms that are hidden and I really would like to know what they are. I sometimes use that information for a future blog write up.

My head is once again filled with static from the voices. I don’t know how I am going to read like they want me to. I have been sad all day as I have been thinking about my father. I don’t think I am going to contact the grief counselor, least not while I am psychotic. I really don’t want any other trust issues to happen while I am going through this phase of my illness. I know I have brought it on myself because I stopped my medication but I think things will even out as time goes on. Eventually, anyway.

Post 1813

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Post 1813

I was going over my blogs. I found one that I wrote the day before my father died. I barely remember that day. I am glad I wrote it because I honestly couldn’t remember if I saw him that Sunday or not. I guess it’s good that I write these blogs because it’s like an online journal of my daily activities and thoughts and feelings. I do have a journal but to me, it’s more fun writing online than in a notebook.

Tomorrow is Father’s day. It is the first father’s day without him. I am having mixed feelings about it. I do miss my father’s crankiness. He was lonesome during the last few months of his life. I think he knew he was dying and didn’t want to be alone. He never said, least not that I know of, that he knew. His last hospitalization was his final one. I also read blogs from the beginning of April when he had pneumonia. I knew then he wasn’t going to make it home. In the end he did, but only to spend his last two hours of his life there. I never finished writing the story of that day. I have been putting it off because it hasn’t been so present in my mind.

My sister posted an old photograph of my father when he was younger on Facebook. The look that he gave was to me scary. It literally reminded me of how cruel he could be to us. Next Saturday it will be two months since his death. I still haven’t processed it. People have told me it could take as long as a year. I am like WTF, seriously? There hasn’t been a day that goes by that I don’t think about him since he died. While he was living, I could give two shits. I was always on edge for that private number to pop on my phone when the normal ringtone rang. Ready to say how high to jump when he called.

I haven’t been as psychotic or paranoid today, but then, I haven’t been outside. I have been in the house most of the day. The only time I went outside was to check the mail and get my package. I have been playing with my Fire most of the day and I finally read some of Dostoevsky as well as a new book. I don’t know why I started reading a new book but I did. This makes book six that I am reading. It’s an easy book. It’s about creating an online presence. I think I have one between the various social media that I have and my blog. I just wish I could find a way to promote my book better. I am hoping one of the ten books that I bought will show me how to do that. I know I just need to find the right audience.

I haven’t been working on my second book. I really don’t know what to write anymore or if I want a second book. I keep up with the blog hoping I will find a good writing space and write an excellent story. But that is too far and in between. So in the mean time, I am reading about books on writing and just reading in general. My father always said that it was important to read and write. I think he would be proud of the library that I have. It is very diverse, from history to psychology to mystery/crime. It was the one thing he would give me money for was books. I know I have them haphazard around my room and office, but I do take good care of them. I just need a room where I can have bookcases, like a real library. That is a dream of mine when I have my own apartment or house or in this modern world, a condo.

My new toy has arrived

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My new toy has arrived

My second arrival of toys arrived today. I got the Kindle Fire and accessories for it. It took me a while to figure out how to use it as after I downloaded my Dostoevsky book, the setting were white and I wanted the screen black like my tablet. I had to ask Google for help. I have it charging now so I can read it later tonight. My new pen won’t arrive until Tuesday. I am not happy about this. It’s taking a tour of Massachusetts. FYI to those that ship, don’t use the UPS to US mail option ever or you might not get your package to its destination when you are expecting it. I have had nothing but problems with it from the companies I deal with it, especially with my medication. It’s like a crap shoot.

I am not a good screen protector applier. I got quite a few bubbles on my screen. But I don’t care. I am not perfect so why should the screen be. I did try to get the bigger bubbles out, which I did do.

I didn’t sleep well last night. Despite going to bed after 0130, I woke up at around 0530 and fount it hard to go back to sleep. I did wake up briefly around 1015 when my app went off telling me it was time to take my BP pills. But I fell back to sleep and didn’t fully wake up till around noon. I took my pills and made coffee. I had a couple of cereal bars for breakfast and just had lunch of a salami and cheese sandwich. I only made a half a sandwich because I wasn’t that hungry.

I feel a lot calmer today than I was yesterday. My pdoc hasn’t emailed me which is good because I really don’t feel like talking to her. I still am mad at Walgreens for delaying my receiving medication. But I am glad in the end I did get my pills or there would have been hell to pay. I just wish I got some decent sleep. I need to take a shower sometime today. I have been neglecting it for a few days now. Last time I showered was Monday morning.

While I was at Walgreens, I wanted to get some Oreo Thins. I had bought them on sale last week at like $2 something. Now their regular price is $5.49. No thank you. I will get them at Stop and Shop. I have to put in a grocery order this week because I am running low on my goodies. It’s kind of fun because I get the food I like and my mother buys the food she likes. Usually, I will eat what she makes because the food she buys, I do like as well. But she won’t buy the cereal I like or other stuff. I just found out my Ben and Jerry’s ice cream has gone up in price. It’s almost $6 for a pint! WTH! I will get it when it’s on sale. I really love the ice cream but will only splurge when I am really in the mood for it. I did buy ribs again because I haven’t had them in a while. They are expensive but they are premade and all you have to do is make sides, heat them up, and boom, you have dinner. Which reminds me, I should buy cole slaw. I think it’s funny my mother likes cabbage but doesn’t like cole slaw.

I just set up my email on my Fire. I am not sure how I am going to use it because my phone does most of the things I like to do, except when I write my blogs. I could write blogs from my phone but I like writing them in a word doc first before posting them. It’s just easier to correct mistakes and I don’t have to worry about autocorrect correcting “us” for “is”. I don’t know why it does that but it does. Drives me crazy.

Psychotic Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Psychotic depression

My pdoc said that grief can bring on many things. I guess I am at the phase where it’s bring on psychosis because I am vulnerable to it. For the past three days I have been experiencing increase in voices and paranoia as well as delusions. It was set off by the shooting in Orlando and then when my therapist didn’t agree with me, it intensified. I stopped taking my antipsychotic meds, though today I needed my PRN trilafon to get me through the paranoia. I can handle the voices. I just cannot stand the paranoia and agitation that goes with it.

I don’t know how long this will last. Usually, it will mean a psych hospitalization to get my symptoms under control again, which will mean going back on the med that I am not taking. I am being very risky. Voices can be very hard to control once they get out of control. I know this from past experience. But I don’t care this time. I don’t trust anyone. And after the mishap in the pharmacy, I am not really trusting my psychiatrist anymore. She wants me to follow up with her. I will in three weeks when I see her again.

I feel like I am being watched all the time. Strangers are the worse because I think they are following me or trying to listen in on the conversation I am having with the voices. I see my therapist on Tuesday in person. I also see her Wednesday in person. She doesn’t know this yet. I have arranged it because I miss her and I would like to see her like old times. Trouble is that she doesn’t like it when I am psychotic. I don’t think she gets it. My psychiatrist gets it more than my therapist does. I just know I don’t want to be on the meds anymore. I will take my other meds just not the abilify.

I really needed someone to talk to tonight. My cousin was supposed to call me but never did. I can’t count on him for nothing anymore. He doesn’t want to listen to me like he used to. I am very sad at this. The one person that understands is abandoning me. But it’s typical of my family. They say they will be there for you but when that time come to be there, they have other plans. It’s so rough. I know I have blogger friends I can talk to. But it’s not the same as family.

I feel so frustrated by today’s events. It shouldn’t have happened. The pharmacist should have filled my prescription and not try to play like they were doctors that knew better. It wasn’t a big deal. I have been on this medication before and never had a problem filling it, until now. It really stressed me out, more than what I was already. I hope my psychiatrist can understand this. I just feel like everyone is against me right now. The weird part is that I am depression but I haven’t moved into the darkness part of the depression. I just am psychotic and delusional and paranoid. I haven’t been this way in quite some time. I know I am taking a chance not taking my meds anymore because when I do go back on it, it might now work as well as it did. The trilafon is helping as I feel much calmer and the voices that are bothering me are hushed, least for now.

The depression is not all it’s cracked up to be. I don’t feel sad anymore, just gloomy. It’s an awful feeling to be this down and not know how to express my feelings. It’s easier to talk about the voices because they are much more interesting.