Category: Bipolar Disorder

Everyone is against me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Everyone is against me

I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription and they wouldn’t give it to me without verifying it with the doctor. So instead of getting 30 pills, I am getting 10 because my doc doesn’t trust me. I don’t fucking know. I sent her an angry email. I know more about the trilafon than the damn pharmacist filling the thing because I was on it when she was in fucking diapers. I have been on this medication since I was 16! I think I know how to fucking take it and how not to fucking take it and my doctor knows this. She trusts me. Least I think she does. I don’t know. I am so fucking paranoid right now it’s not funny.

While waiting in line while the pharmacists were talking there was a heavy breathing man behind me. I was freaking out because hello, personal space! Then before I logged off the computer, there was a hashtag going on Twitter about aliens. I had to shut down the browser. I mean, is this really happening to me, of all fucking days?? I am ready to admit myself because I am so fucking paranoid. I have never been so fearful in my damn life than I have been today. I don’t fucking feel safe in my own skin.

The voices are feeding off this fear. Only a matter of time before they tell me off. I got my toy and encrypted my documents that were on my laptop. I had to keep the password in my app so I remember it. I forget it and it’s bye bye data. Seriously don’t know what to do with myself. Sox rookie pitcher sucks. 3 pitches in and he gives up a 2 run home run. Yea, this is the guy we need. NOT. I am too fidgety to watch baseball right now because I am still irked by the pharmacists. I should talk to the older one and tell her she should have verified with MY doctor before filling the damn thing if she had questions to start with. Dammit. I mean what the actual fuck. Keeping me waiting while it gets sorted out while I am all fucking paranoid is not fucking good. Yes, I know there is an interaction between the medicines. Yes, guess what… my doc knows too! So what the hell is the damn problem?? Just give me my medicine and I will be on my way to take it as I fucking need it, like prescribed!! Not the “oh this medicine is not a PRN medicine”. SINCE FUCKING WHEN?? I have always taken this drug as a PRN. It’s my go to drug when I am fucking off my rocker. AND while I was in the hospital I was on 3 times as much as what my doc is prescribing me. UGH. I am so damn annoyed. But they are out to get me fucking more crazy than I already am. They are against me. They all are. I can’t wait to see if my doc responds to my email. Or emails. I asked her nicely and this is how I get treated. Like a drug seeker novice that doesn’t know about medicines. I am so irked. SHIT HEADS all of them. I wonder if they were infected with parasites too.

A Triggering Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

A Triggering Day

I have been feeling paranoid for most of the day. It started while I was at Starbucks writing in my journal. There was a congregation of people behind me while waiting for their coffee, talking loudly as I could hear them through my headphones, which was also playing loudly. I had to keep watching my back as I was fearful of these people. I just wanted them to get their coffee and leave. They must have talked for about 15-20 minutes before dispersing. I was rattled. There was no way I could calm myself down. Least not with a venti coffee. I had no meds but the voices were talking loudly too so that helped. I knew they wouldn’t allow someone to hurt me if they were around.

I went off to see my pdoc. She was late, as usual. I told her I was paranoid and didn’t trust anyone. She asked if I felt threatened by her and I asked, should I be? I did ask if she was going to kill me and she adamantly said no. That made me feel like I could trust her. We talked and she knew I was being distracted by the voices in my head. She kept trying to make conversation with me when I got quiet. She wanted to see me next week but I had reserved the zipcar and it was too complicated for her so I will see her in three weeks. I was still hearing voices and she was okay with me stopping the abilify.

I got home and soon as I walked in the door, Walgreens texted me saying my prescription was ready. They told me it was going to be a half hour wait so I went home to change and to pee as I couldn’t wait that long. I also wanted to cool off some with the AC as I was hot. It’s in the 70s today.

After I got home from that trip, I was going to stay put until the UPS guy showed up with my new toy. I am still waiting for it. While I was waiting I did my thing by reading Twitter. A person who does the PTSD chat posted something about ISIS and I immediately got triggered and paranoid worse than what I was already. I nearly had a panic attack. I couldn’t believe what she posted. Just thinking about the pic she posted is giving me paranoia again. I took my last trilafon and then emailed my pdoc saying I was triggered and needed trilafon stat. Abilify doesn’t do anything for the paranoia. And the voices would flip on me if I took it because it is poison in their eyes. I still am shaken up.

I checked the pharmacy and my doc did call in the trilafon. Soon as it’s ready, I will make my 3rd trip to walgreens today. Speaking of the devil, I just received a text saying it’s ready just now. I will go after I finish this blog. My package was delivered as well.

I was just getting calm when I figure I scroll through Facebook. Bad idea. Half way down, there was another damn post about ISIS attacking the gay community or something to that affect. I really need trilafon. I might page my psych later tonight because I am going out of my tree. I got a necklace around my neck that is protecting me from the parasites. I didn’t tell my pdoc about it when I saw her today because she already knows I am off my rocker. She did like the necklace though.

In other news, the Sox called up a rookie pitcher that is pitching tonight. I really want to see him pitch because he is supposed to be really good. It will be the first game I have watched in weeks. I hope NESN doesn’t have a 3 man crew or I will just listen to the game on the radio. I hate when they have 3 broadcasters, two are former players and 1 is the play by play man. It is so annoying with the analysis of the pitch or play. Just repetitive.

I had to report UPS today because my package was delayed for tomorrow’s delivery. The package was delivered to my town and then shipped out west for some reason. I am told it has been corrected and it’s still on for a Saturday delivery by the postal service so we’ll see.

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

I didn’t take the abilify for the second night in a row. The “bad” voices have come out, a little bit. They want me to do things but I am ignoring them. The other voices are just talking incessantly to me. My brain is so warped.

I went out to the liquor store hoping to find a beer that I have been wanting to try and they had it. I was very happy, even though the 6 pack was expensive. I am going to try it with dinner tonight as my mother is making burgers, using MY meat that I bought. No matter, I like using fresh meat anyway when I cook. I think it tastes better than frozen/thawed.

I don’t know why, but I bought a Kindle Fire this morning with accessories. I know I have said I had a tablet that was good enough, but I really wanted something that I could take with me. I really want to be able to read Dostoevsky and not worry that the battery is going to run out on me. Seems the battery life of the tablet has gone down considerably. It only lasts a day or two off the charger, and that is if you are not using it. I bought a 64 GB SD card for it as the device itself is only 8 GB. It should be delivered this Saturday. I am all excited! I think after the week that I have had, I deserve to get myself something nice.

I also reserved a car for my therapy appointment for next week. I will be seeing her twice in one week. She is going to be so excited. It’s going to be like old times. I just hope it doesn’t rain on Tuesday. I hate driving in the rain. I need to go to Walmart and get new PJs. The ones that I have been wearing look more like Swiss cheese. They are so worn they have a lot of holes in them. I have had them for at least 10 years so I think it’s time to replace it. They were my favorite ones, too.

Last night I was feeling lowly. I wrote on Facebook and Twitter that I wasn’t sure if I could change my name because of the attacks in Orlando. I am afraid of being out of the closet and with good reason. I have never been bullied or called names before and I don’t want that to be the case moving forward. There has only been one time in my life that I have been called a “dyke” and that was scary to me. So next week, I am moving on, and going to get the first step in changing my name. I need to get my birth certificate. Once I have that, I will go to court and get my name legally changed. I hope I don’t need a court appointment to do so. Otherwise, it might be awhile before my name is officially changed.

Once this happens, I will start the process in changing my name on all the bills and hospitals that I go to. I still am sort of on the fence of whether to be called G or GC. I tried changing my Facebook name to G last night and it wouldn’t let me. It has to be more than one letter. Jerks. But I have my heart set on being called G as nearly everyone calls me that anyways.

I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke up at 0300 because I had to pee. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was feeling kind of sick as my bowels were haywire. I don’t know why I have the runs but I do. All I really had today to eat was two boiled eggs, toast, and apple juice. For lunch I had some asparagus and eggs and salad. I hope that me not taking the abilify isn’t affecting my bowels. I just paged my doc so I will ask her. Or not. I am supposed to be tapering the dose but I am too lazy. Besides, the voices don’t want me taking it at all so I am not cutting the pill to take it. I just got to remember not to take the senna tonight or I might have loose stool again tomorrow. That wouldn’t be good because I need to go out. I have an appointment with my doc and the NP for my pain management. It’s back to back appointments. Should be fun!

The voices are listening to what I am typing. The reading voice is back so they can hear what I am reading/saying. It’s so weird. I feel like I am being watched all the time now by these voices. I don’t have a big appetite today. I bought some Andy Capp fries. They are my favorite. I had to hide them because my littlest niece loves them, too. I was in the mood for hot fries and I am glad the liquor store carries them. It’s the only place around that has Andy Capp products. I miss the comic strip that used to be on the bag. They don’t have it anymore. Andy Capp was one of my favorite comics growing up. I hope the beer is good. I never had a grapefruit beer before. I am not usually a beer drinker. But I will have one during the summer. I like the lemon beers they come out with.

The reason I bought this particular beer is because Wil Wheaton’s wife posted it on Twitter more than a year ago. It’s an Indian IPA, which I don’t know what that is. I figure I like grapefruit and she liked it so it couldn’t be that bad. She is a bigger beer drinker than I am though. We’ll see. Maybe I will post a blog about it later this evening about it.

Therapy after the fallout

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Therapy after the fallout

My therapist read my blog. She apologized for being a doofus. I told her she needs to watch her mouth or think before she speaks. She definitely doesn’t have that “therapist filter” most therapists have. I told her I am still listening to the voices and I still don’t completely trust her. I am not taking my meds. I have to call my psych tonight to fill her in. There will be no point in her calling in the refill for trilafon. I won’t take it. The voices are strong and only want me to take what they want me to take. I still have free will though. There are more voices today then there were yesterday. They are annoying me because they keep coming and going.

I had an okay morning. I didn’t appreciate my bowels going haywire. But after the third movement, things seemed to settle down. I feel kind of hyper. I don’t know if it’s the coffee that is still making me fidgety or if I am getting a little hypo. I bought a 128GB flash drive. I have a 64GB drive that is close to being full so needed a bigger one. It was close to being out of stock so I grabbed it before it went out, again. I tried purchasing this particular one before and it went out before I could have the funds to buy it. I wasn’t going to lose it once more. I signed up for Amazon Prime so it will be here in a few days.

My psych got back to me and she is concerned. Voices are having a field day because she wants me to cut back on the dose rather than stop abruptly. Screw that. I have to check in with her tomorrow. So stupid. I am meeting with her Friday. I just hope she doesn’t pull anything stupid like a section. The voices are okay right now and agree with what I am saying. Like Bon Jovi says, she don’t know me. She wanted to know what my therapist said that set me off and I can’t really remember what she said exactly that pissed me off. I just am done with taking meds to stop my companions. Right now there is a circus of them. Missing one dose really set them off. I don’t believe how quickly they came out. But then I have been under a lot of stress trying to keep things together.

I got wicked aggravated a little while ago. I bought a song on my phone and it would transfer to my music library. It just stayed in the Amazon Cloud. I had to manually download it to my computer and then transfer it to my phone. It sucked! I think the Amazon Prime is a rip off for music. I hope it doesn’t do the same with Kindle books. I will be so pissed.

I forgot to tell my psych I am kind of in a mixed state. I am feeling really hypo and then depressed. I don’t get it. The abilify wouldn’t mess with my mood stability. Though it kind of might. I don’t know. My psych is already worried about the voices so I won’t tell her about the mixed state until Friday when I see her. I did tell my psych that my therapist talked me into talking with her next week. I really didn’t want to talk to her. I still am kind of mad at her. I did get validation from my psych. I knew I would. I wish she wouldn’t be worried about me though. The voices won’t hurt me, least not the ones that are around right now. It’s really the “outsiders” I got to worry about. They can spring up at anytime.