Category: Bipolar Disorder

Therapy, Bags, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

For the first time in four years, I almost slept through my therapy session. I woke up ten minutes late. My therapist called twice and I didn’t hear the phone. I was listening to music and I guess when her ringtone came on it didn’t disturb me enough to wake up. So I had a 40 minutes session, which is better than nothing. She read part of the short story that I sent her the other day. She didn’t finish it but she liked what she read so far.

We talked about my day’s activities and how I was doing. We did talk about the voices but I told her I had taken the trilafon in a text message. I took double because I didn’t want to hear the voices. I have like 6 pills left. When I get down to 2, I will notify my psychiatrist to see if she will refill some more for me.

I have been so tired because I woke up at 0300 and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. Then my mother called while I was dreaming and that always makes me exhausted when I wake up like that. It’s just disturbing and then I am tired the rest of the day.

I took my niece out for a bit and beat the rain. I got pizza and fries for us. We had a good time and then I went back up to my room because it was so hot in her apartment. They didn’t have AC. I think my room is the only room in the whole house that has AC so you know where I am hanging out most of the summer when I am not out.

I ordered another book. This book I found in the Facebook group, “history of Boston”. It’s called “White Trash” and is about the class system of America for the last 400 years. I find books like this interesting. I ordered it through a local bookstore so I don’t have to wait for delivery. I will pick it up tomorrow as I don’t feel like going back out today. I forgot to mail my letter for the birth certificate again. I am so mad at myself. So I will do this as well.

I placed another Amazon order because I am an addict. But seriously, I needed to get my allergy pills because I am running low. I also got the DVD “Liar Liar”. I love that movie. It’s one of my favorite Jim Carey movies. It will give me a laugh when I think about something from the movie, especially the pen is blue scene. He is a brilliant actor. I also bought another bag, another addiction I have. Pens and bags are my biggest things that I will spend money on. This one is similar to the Pearl Jam messenger bag I bought back in January. It’s a little smaller and fits my laptop. I hope that if I find a bag that I like that fits my laptop, I will take it with me more and maybe do some writing outside of my room. I found that I have gone away from backpacks and gone toward laptop/messenger bags. As long as it can hold a book or two as well is all I care about because I will need my journal wherever I go. My paranoia about someone stealing my bag or worse my laptop is sometimes so great that I leave the laptop at home. Or someone breaking into my laptop while I am on a network. I don’t store my personal information like my SS number on my laptop but I have visited websites that have that information because they needed it. This isn’t to say my network is secure but I hope that no one breaks through. Mostly what they will get are my blogs. I really don’t have anything else of value to a would be robber of my laptop, though it will suck to get a new one. Only one of the reasons why I leave my laptop at home.

Therapy, Chinese Food and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Therapy, Chinese Food, and other things

I had therapy today. I rented a zipcar and went out to see her. It was a good session. We talked more about the voices. I think she was trying to see if I was suicidal as the voices keep telling me to take more of my meds than I should. I don’t feel suicidal, unless it’s subconscious. I wore my necklace today to protect me from the alien parasites. Ever since I was triggered Friday, I wear it outside. My therapist wasn’t curious about it like my psychiatrist was. That was good because then I didn’t have to explain why I was wearing it.

While I was there, I read my discharge summary. It was very funny. On one page they listed my diagnosis correctly. On another page it listed Mood disorder NOS, psychosis NOS as my diagnosis. They weren’t sure if I had a psychotic disorder or an affective disorder. On the final page, the diagnosis changed again. I couldn’t believe it. Most consistently was the diagnosis of PTSD. The other diagnoses they aren’t sure about and this was just ONE hospitalization that lasted about six days. The funny part was that in one sentence they would call me “her” or “she” and the next line would be “he” or “him”. They were all confused. And this was a top notch hospital, too. I think my next hospitalization will be at the local hospital. It will suck big time but at least I will get a consistent diagnosis, hopefully. And despite me telling the top notch hospital that my therapist was a psychologist, all the paperwork given to her stated she was a licenses social worker. But at least they spelled her name right.

I told my therapist that I emailed my psychiatrist but I don’t want to do so all the time because I am afraid she might hospitalize me. I just been sending her updates when I feel up to it. We also discussed going back to the hospital but I know they will just dope me up. I don’t want that. I can do that on an outpatient basis. If my voices get too commandeering, I might have to go in, but only as a last resort. I do have a pesky voice that I really want silenced but it is resistant to meds as even when I was on the abilify, it was loud and obnoxious. It’s been a week since I have been off this med.

When I got home, I was hungry. I didn’t have lunch so I ordered Chinese food. I had to do it on the sly because my mother made supper. When it came, I brought it downstairs to my sister’s apartment. I didn’t have much because I had the pea soup my mother made. I was full off a couple of chicken fingers and scallion pie. I had ordered some rice but I didn’t feel like eating it. I will have it tomorrow, if there is any left over. I am watching my niece most of the day.

In my haste to get the zipcar as I woke up late, I forgot the piece of mail I was going to send out today after the appointment. I will have to mail it out tomorrow. I can take my niece for a walk, if she wants to. I plan on getting pizza for lunch. If she wants to, I will take her with me to Starbucks. I still have to read the psych book that I bought. I have so many books to read it’s not funny. I brought my Kindle out with me today but I didn’t use it. It just stayed in my bag. I really didn’t have time to read anyways. Driving always makes me tired, especially when it’s over a long distance. I just wanted to write and so I did that while having a latte.

My new pen arrived today and I love it. I think it might replace my current pen but the nice thing is that it’s refillable. I might get one for my therapist as I haven’t given her a gift in so long. I wish I could get it engraved for her but it’s not that kind of pen. And it’s not a 0.7 point like it was advertised. It’s a 1.0 like my other pens are. I can’t wait to write with it tonight.

Extra therapy Session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Extra therapy session

My therapist was able to fit me into her schedule tonight. I felt kind of racy as I was describing how the voices were controlling and demanding. I also described how last night things were terrible that I had to use the crisis text line. They were of some help. I think a trilafon would have been more useful but I didn’t want to take it. I don’t want to lose the trust of the voices. It would be really bad.

She said she got the discharge summary from the hospital. A month after my discharge. They only significant thing was that they couldn’t diagnose my condition, HA HA. Other than that, they just went with previous diagnosis. I was only there for a few days, not much time to diagnose me anyways. I just remember feeling really sad and disconnected. It was just a couple weeks after my father’s death. I have no idea what my doc had said that caused me to be in the hospital as I didn’t overtly say I was suicidal or anything that would jeopardize my safety. I wasn’t even sectioned even after the evaluation by the psych NP. I did go over, however briefly, my past history. And even when I was at the hospital, I was mainstreamed to the unit after a brief evaluation. So who knows what the right and left hands were doing.

I am seeing my therapist tomorrow so I will ask to see the discharge summary. It would be interesting to see what they wrote. I was kind of excited to talk with my therapist tonight. We spent most of the time talking about the voices. She is getting a little worried with them being controlling and demanding. But then I am used to it. It is all my normal. What isn’t my normal is for them to be mean and telling me stuff like killing myself or self-harm. They are getting louder and more insistent that I talk with them and making me do stuff. Like they want me to read on my kindle. Or write a blog. I don’t mind the reading but writing a blog takes some effort because they cloud my thinking. So I don’t like to do it. Plus, I don’t want more than 2-3 blogs a day. I think I will lose readership if I blog more than that.

I had a huge dinner and it’s making me feel dizzy and nauseous. I think it’s withdrawal from the abilify more than the rice and chicken stir fry I had. It will be almost a week that I stopped taking the poison. My sleep has been affected as well, which could be affecting my mood, making me racy and hyper. The joys of being bipolar.

Throughout all the psychosis, my pain levels have been minimal. I seem to only need two pills a day to control my pain. The voices want me to take more but I won’t. I just take what I need. I have told my therapist how they try to be tricky but I am wise to them. Last night, after I took my night meds, they wanted me to finish taking the rest of the week’s meds that I had doled out. I told them I couldn’t take a week’s worth of pills. They were being really stubborn. I hope they aren’t that way tonight. Otherwise, I will take some trilafon to calm their ass down. I know my limits.

I am listening to a song on repeat right now as I am writing this blog. It’s by Old Dominion and the song is called “snapback”. I have decided I am going to listen to it until I know it word for word. I should get there another ten times, or so.

Sox are playing the Sox (Chicago white sox). They are losing and it seems their pitcher is not allowing any hits. Fucker. I hate when we can’t get any hits. This was in the 5th inning so it might have changed by now.

I tried a fax app today to send my PT prescription to the place I wanted. I accidently sent it twice because I didn’t think it went through the first time. I haven’t received any phone calls so I hope it went through ok. If I don’t get a call tomorrow, I will make a copy of it and just send it in via mail. I am in no rush to start PT. I am kind of scared because I don’t want to be in more pain than I already am in. I also worry about bearing weight on my bad ankle while doing exercises on the “good” one. I just hope I get a therapist that is willing to work with me because otherwise, forget it. I will go somewhere else.

Decisions are hard when depressed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Decisions are hard when depressed

I am still struggling between the voices and the grief and the depression. I couldn’t decide what I wanted to have for lunch. I had just coffee for breakfast. I didn’t feel like eating so around lunchtime, I was hungry. I had to use a coin to decide whether to make hot dogs or a tuna sandwich. Tails won for the tuna. I was glad because making the tuna sandwich was easier than making the hot dogs. I always had my back up of eenie meenie minee mow to fall back on, but the coin was better.

I honestly don’t know what I want to do today. I know I don’t want to go out. I am just not up to dealing with the public transportation system to get to the Square nor dealing with people. I made the decision to go to a PT place down the street from me. However, I need to fax the prescription to SRH before they will call me to schedule an appointment. I wish I could just scan it and fax it but I am not that tech savvy to do things like that. Plus, I don’t have a scanner. I know one of my Twitter buddies can fax on his phone so I will look into apps that do that. Maybe I can take a picture of the script and then fax it that way. This will cut out a middle man of either giving the paper to my sister or going to UPS store.

My pens have made their way back to my town and are on the way to being delivered to me. I hope it’s today and not tomorrow. I also got confirmation that the stamps I ordered are on their way to me as well. I feel like today is Christmas. I can’t wait to stamp “Ex Libris” on my books. I also can’t wait to write with my new pen. It’s a Jetstream but a fine point and a clicker. I’m not that crazy about fine points but it looked cool so we’ll see. Sometimes I do like writing with fine point pens. All depends on my mood.

I was talking to someone on Twitter this morning who was saying something about suicide prevention. He went to my profile and saw my pinned tweet. He then retweeted it with a comment saying “suicide will pass”. I don’t know if he was saying this to me indirectly or to other Twitter people. Either way, it pissed me off because that isn’t the point of the quote that is pinned.

I guess I am kind of angry today for some reason. Little things have been pissing me off. I told my sister that my depression sucks and that I was “crazy”. She wants me to talk to my doctor. Thanks for being supportive. She doesn’t get it. I don’t know why I opened up to her. I guess if I land in the hospital again, she won’t be too surprised, which might happen if the damn psychosis gets worse. The voices have been twisting things and lately, while reading, things have been weird. Words will sort of fly around as I read them. It’s worse when I am on the Kindle. I have been really getting into one of the books I am reading. It’s called “creating an online presence”. It’s a good book and I can’t seem to put it down. It’s my new obsession. I thought I had lost the download because last night before bed, I couldn’t open it or find out how to open it. I must have spent a few minutes just repeatedly touching the document and it wouldn’t go to Kindle. And then I went to Kindle app but it wasn’t there. It was scaring me because I just finished reading it that morning. I did find it on one of the screen pages called “recent” on the Fire. So I guess that is where to go if I want to continue reading it. Very frustrating.

Last night, I had to use the Crisis text line. The voices were really bad and wanted me to not only take my meds, but the entire bottle of the various meds that I take. They were very insistent. I don’t know why they are worse during the night than the day. It’s like the static that I hear during the day turns into the voices that are speaking and they are telling me to do things. I wasn’t going to act on what they were saying but I just was annoyed and didn’t know what to do. It was late at night and I knew that if I paged my psych, she would tell me to go to the ER or take my PRN. I am getting dangerously close to losing control. So far, I am okay. I am not impulsive but I fear that if I get agitated because I am angry and annoyed, things might change.