Category: Bipolar Disorder

Some Thoughts on a Saturday Evening

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Some thoughts on a Saturday evening

I recently found out that a friend of mine on Twitter lost someone by suicide. She had interviewed this person two years ago for her photo thing called “Live Through This” (www.livethroughthis.org). I was sad to hear this because I thought people who were interviewed were somehow free of suicidal thoughts, that they had their life together after their attempt. I never was interviewed because I don’t want the exposure and I didn’t think I had anything positive to contribute because my moods were so bleak. I also was actively suicidal at times. I still think one day I will die by my own hand, that is if some alien parasite doesn’t take it first.

I have been reading over my blogs from 2-3 years ago. The blogs were all about the severe pain I was in with my ankle/foot and how suicidal it was making me. I also wasn’t getting any support from my PCP. He just wanted to “fix” me but really couldn’t. He also was very discriminating towards me because of my weight. There were blogs on the visits where he just wanted me to be more active. How was I going to be more active if I couldn’t walk without severe pain? Even on the last visit he wanted me to go to some program to learn to live with the pain and gain function. I know he doesn’t want me on my pain medication but I really don’t have a choice. It’s either be on this medication or end my life. That is how I see it.

This evening, I have been thinking about suicide. My foot has been aggravating me all day. It didn’t help that I kept on going up and down the stairs or that I fixed my lunch or put away all my groceries. I just don’t want to be in pain anymore. And I am tired of being in this depression that has been going on for months. Despite me being on medication for it, I don’t feel relief. It could be that the grief of my father has clouded my thinking. I just know that I can’t go on living like this. I have the means to end my life. I just don’t know if it will be enough. I don’t want to attempt and fail. That to me will be worse than dying.

I have been trying not to think about this plan that I cooked up months ago. I just am so sad. I have been reading today to distract myself. I was reading “Common Struggle” by PJ Kennedy. He was talking about his addiction to alcohol and pain meds. He was hooked on oxycontin. I was on that drug many years ago. It worked for me but then it made me kind of manic. I was glad to get off it. I am glad I am no longer taking it. It just did a number on me psychologically. My current pain meds don’t affect me that way. They help the pain and make me sleepy at times, but not all the time. If I am already exhausted, sure, I will get sleepy. But if I am already catching my second wind, they will not knock me out. I don’t know why sometimes it does and sometimes it doesn’t. It’s just weird. And it’s the same dose that I take so I really can’t understand it. But getting back to Kennedy, he made me appreciate that I do not have an addiction problem when I could very easily. Addiction runs in my family, but mostly for the illicit kind like cocaine and heroin. I have had one cousin die from a speedball (combo of coke and heroin). They ruled it an accidental death but I learned that a week before he died he was giving away possessions so I think it was more of a suicide.

I often wonder what it would be like to be dead. I just don’t want to be anymore. I am tired of living. In Kennedy’s book, he said that he didn’t have suicidal tendencies because if he did, he would probably be dead. Given the amount of alcohol he consumed and the pain meds, I would say he wouldn’t survive an attempt. I wonder why I am still alive. I know it has been a long while since I last attempted. But even though I have meticulously planned out a suicide plan, I have never gone through with it. My therapist or psychiatrist always seem to pull me away from going ahead with the plan, either with increased sessions or with them telling me how devastated they would be with my loss. I don’t get what they see in me.

I always feel they will be better off without me. They can’t stop me. No one can really. Sure they can hospitalize me but there is always discharge a few days later. And I know the system to get out and in. They know I know this. It’s just a matter of time before I act on my feelings. It may not be today or tomorrow but it will be soon.

Saturday Blog 54

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My groceries came a little after the Wales/Northern Ireland game started. I normally don’t watch football as the Europeans call it, but no other sport was on worth watching. I put the ribs on to cook while I put the groceries away. My back almost went out a couple of times because I was standing and walking around the house, putting the various things away. My cheesecake and pumpkin pies came. After everything was away, I had a slice of pumpkin. I wanted to savor the cheesecake after I had the ribs and cole slaw. While watching the game, I saw the horrific goal made by Northern Ireland in their own post! I couldn’t believe it and of course they had to show it a million times at different angles. I feel so bad for NI because they probably would have won in OT or a shootout.

Now that I have had something to eat, I can rest. I don’t plan on going out because it’s hot out. Just cooking in the kitchen made me sweat. I can only wonder how much more I will if I start walking to the bus stop and head to the meat market to get the hamburgers. Looks like that won’t be until Monday. The grocery store substituted another brand of hamburger rolls, which works out good because the rolls are bigger. I got my avocados ready for that burger.

Tomorrow I am invited to my cousin’s for his son’s birthday. I am not going to go, even though they have a pool. It’s going to be really hot tomorrow and I can’t stand being in the sun, let alone being in a pool in the sun. I will stay in my AC’d room and eat the lovely food I bought.

I have been in a sad mood most of the day. Today is the 2 month anniversary of my father’s passing. I still haven’t cried for him. I do miss him. It is very weird not having him around. I don’t know if you get used to it. I do miss his sister, who we still have not seen because her illness has prevented us from seeing her. She gets confused very easily now these days and I am thinking the Parkinson’s is getting worse as time goes on. She will be 93 in November.

Last night, I decided to sign up for yet another email address. This one is on my contact page for those that want to contact me there. It’s Collerone at yahoo dot com. I miss having a yahoo account. I used to have one that I used regularly but it’s been compromised so many times that I had to deactivate it. Plus, I kept forgetting the password so good riddance. I thought of getting a gmail but I don’t really like it. I have to have one for my phone but that is all I use it for. Every so often I will check the mail and it’s mostly MLB stuff or LinkedIn, neither of which are important to me.

I really wasn’t expecting to get wiped out putting the groceries away. I could take a nap right now. I had really wanted to go out but now it doesn’t look to be the case. I still need to take a shower. My luck I will take one and then need another one because it’s so damn hot. Maybe I will take one before bedtime so it will relax me. I had a hard time going to sleep last night. I was fighting taking a nap around 1730/1800. Then around 1930, I got my second wind. I was up most of the night. I think I didn’t fall asleep till after or around midnight. I slept till 0930, which was good. I think having all those ribs made me sleepy. I ate like half a rack. They were so good! I now know to get baby back ribs rather than the St. Louis style. I like them better.

Last night I read some of Harry Potter and some of Dostoevsky. I would have read some of Common Struggle but I didn’t feel like it. I will read some of it today. I really need to get into a reading groove of some sort. Baseball isn’t on until around 2130, which is close to my projected bedtime. Sucks they are in Texas. They had a HUGE comeback win last night. I am so proud of them.

Paranoia continues once more

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Paranoia continues once more

My cousin saw me at the bus stop so gave me a ride to the Square. I wasn’t up for going because I was so tired but I wanted my hair cut. I woke up too late for my regular barber. Things were a little creepy. The music I was listening to sounded louder than it usually is and it felt like it was sending me messages but I couldn’t interpret them. I went to Starbucks for a frappe as I already made coffee at home. After I had my haircut, I waited at the bus stop to go home. I started feeling paranoid then, like everyone was watching me. I put on the music again to distract myself. I kept on hearing all of David Nail’s songs plus one song of Randy Houser. There weren’t that many songs so it repeated fairly quickly. The distraction wasn’t working. There was a guy that kept talking to himself with a radio set. He was freaking me out. The bus was of course late. It was a long way home.

I started walking home and the paranoia increased as well as the voices. I decided to take a trilafon when I got home. I also emailed my psychiatrist to let her know what was going on. I haven’t been sleeping during normal hours. I usually fall asleep between 0400-0500 or later. But once I get to sleep, I sleep for a few hours, as long as no one wakes me up. I had a few hours of good sleep this morning before my mother woke me up around 0930. I had to watch my niece for an hour before her grandmother came to pick her up. By the time she came, it was too late for me to see my regular barber. I didn’t know what to do with myself. So I made some coffee. I didn’t drink all of it. I had about ten ounces. I was hoping it would give me a bowel movement as I haven’t gone in two days but no such luck. I’ll just take some fiber pills tonight.

I got my new bag and used it today when I went out. Because my cousin picked me up, it kind of messed up my plans. I had planned on going to the barber first then to Starbucks. I went the reverse. I got too antsy at Starbucks and didn’t take my laptop out even though I brought it with me. I could barely write in my journal, I was so distracted. I figured I had better go to the barber before I changed my mind and I did. I got a nice buzz cut. I think it’s shorter than my previous haircut. My mother hasn’t seen it yet because I have been wearing my hat. She is not going to like it and that makes me happy, for some reason. I guess it’s defiance as she told me not to get it cut like this again. My head, my hair so I will do what I want with it.

I checked my student loan status today and it is once again under review. They did change the status date to April so that is an improvement. I am still waiting for a letter of some kind. I hate being in the dark.

I placed my huge grocery order today. I have no idea what the hell I bought but it’s slightly over $150. I just know I ordered ribs, cole slaw and my powerade. And oreos and cheesecake. The rest is just food that is not junk like steak and hot dogs. I have been craving a hot dog with hot dog relish on a bun. So that is what I got. My mother will usually buy hot dogs but not the buns. We usually use wheat bread for a bun. It’s okay but I like the bun better. It’s more filling to me. Now I just got to go to the meat market to get hamburgers. I bought some more avocados to make a good cheeseburger with my honey Dijon mustard. I was hoping to get it today but I didn’t want to miss the bus. I might go tomorrow, if I time the bus schedule right.

As I made a decision to go home, I wanted to get the sandwich I bought yesterday at Au Bon Pain. I couldn’t believe they were out of sliced bread! What kind of bakery place runs out of bread?? I was so disappointed. I am glad my mother made cod fish for dinner. It was good. She also made a potato salad with vinegar. I love that kind of potato salad, but then, I like vinegar more than mayo. It’s healthier.

I wish I brought my cane with me today. My ankle was and is really bad. The sidewalk I was walking on was uneven and that made my ankle hurt more. I hear the city is going to replace the brick with asphalt. I say yes, to some areas, especially the area I was walking on as it was so uneven. You could easily twist your ankle. I had to keep my eyesight on the ground instead of looking up because of my proprioception is so bad. It would take nothing for me to trip. That just caused the paranoia to get worse because I was fearful of the people around me as I was walking. I could swear they were making fun of me as I was walking by them. The voices were telling me this all through the walk back to the bus stop. I was never so fearful in my life.

A Rough and Boring Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A rough and boring day

I had a rough night sleeping. Seems I can only sleep in three hour spurts. I was again rudely waken up by a family member while dreaming so that added to my exhaustion. I don’t know why I can’t sleep. I emailed my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back. I also told her about the trilafon situation and how the voices have become kind of commanding. I was going to page her today but never got around to it because of my sleepiness. I had set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day as I bought a book yesterday and wanted to pick it up. It’s just being added to my “to read” pile I have going on in my room. There are 10 books right now in that pile, not including the books on my Kindle. I just finished one book so I am happy about that. Now if I can get through another book by the end of the month, I will be happy.

I got home and immediately felt paranoid for some reason. It was hard to shake but I think the feeling is gone now. I distracted myself with Twitter. One of my Twitter buddies was in the area where the local bookstore is and if his schedule permitted, we could have met up. Unfortunately, it wasn’t meant to be. Maybe another time. I seem to be getting books at least once a month from this bookstore so maybe next month we can meet up.

I went to the Square to have my coffee. I think the person making it used regular cream instead of sweet cream because it didn’t taste all that sweet. I drank it anyway. I wrote in my journal until half the coffee was gone and then took off for the local bookstore. I really didn’t do much else. It just feels like a boring day. Nothing interesting happened. I did have a new sandwich that I liked at the Au Bon Pain. It had avocados and their zesty Dijon mustard that I love. This one had turkey in it with some kind of cheese. It was really good. I might get it tomorrow if I go out. It depends on how my damn ankle/foot is. It started flaring up on the walk back to the station after leaving the bookstore. My right also acted up but the left was worse. I wish I brought my cane but I didn’t carry my regular bag with me today. I just brought a cloth bookbag because that is what I needed it for. My regular bag has my cane in it.

I was debating getting a haircut at a new barber shop in the Square but didn’t. I couldn’t decide how I wanted it cut. I really got used to the bald cut that I had a few weeks ago. Now that my hair has grown back, I look like a chia pet so I need it cut again. I think I will go tomorrow morning to the same barber’s shop I go to. My mother isn’t going to like it but oh well. It’s my head not hers.

I will be placing my grocery order tomorrow. I can’t wait because I am out of Oreos and I have been craving them. They cost too much at Walgreens, but then, everything is a little overpriced at Walgreens. I think you are just paying for the convenience rather than the value.

I’m not doing anything tonight except possibly read one of my many books. I have three that I am actively reading. Harry Potter, Common Struggle, and Dostoevsky. The other books listed on my GoodReads section of my blog are books that I read when I have the mental energy to. They are quite dense. One of the books I have no idea where I placed it last. I think it is in a hamper that I have junk instead of clothes. The “junk” is more papers and books than actual junk. I have to go through it one day to sort it out. I just need to find the motivation to do it. Maybe I should set up a reward system or something. If I do it, I can get some stuff on Amazon. Amazon is becoming my new addiction for buying things I need but don’t absolutely need. I bought two more books. One of the books is by JK Rowling’s pen name, which I can’t think of at the moment. It’s a fiction/mystery book I think. I think they are turning it into a movie in the UK so I want to read it. There are three books in the series so if I like it, I will get the other two. I do like Rowling’s writing so I know those books will be a good reward to clean out that hamper.