Category: Bipolar Disorder

Need to Escape

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Need to escape

I had another difficult therapy session today. It will be in another blog as it’s percolating right now and I am not sure if I should continue to type or handwrite it. She asked me today what number my need to escape was and I said a 9 on a scale of 1-10. So she said that I should make today all about me, whatever that means. I still feel the need to runaway and not return. Trouble is I have no means, other than killing myself, to get away. We talked a lot about me killing myself today. To my surprise, she was tolerating it despite me knowing how much anxiety it gives her. I threw a question out to her about if she would go to my funeral. That stopped her in her tracks. I actually don’t know if I will have a funeral. I haven’t made my will out yet and that is one thing I have been contemplating. Her grief sometimes stops me from going through with my plans, but sometimes I just say fuck it because I want to do what *I* want to do, and that is end this miserable fucking life.

We talked a lot, more than I wanted to, about my bastard father. He is the only person that I know that has at least three 8×10 pictures of himself in his house. He is the very definition of narcissism. Yet he calls me selfish and a liar.

I wanted to go out today but my ankle is being a bitch. I have been up since 0500. I am tired and might take a nap before dinner, if I can write out the therapy session that is bugging me. I really wanted to go to Starbucks to get some more coffee for the house. I had the last of the Pike this morning. I don’t know which kind I want to get. My choices are Pike, House Blend, or Breakfast Blend. I usually rotate between the three. I think I might get Breakfast Blend as I haven’t had that in a long while. I am still good with my Kati Kati and Brazil coffees.

The 22nd can’t come soon enough. I really need to talk about my damn nasal congestion. I know I am almost always congested but it’s been worse the last few months. It clears up on it’s own but then gets clogged up again and now my sinuses are starting to feel affected. They really hurt and I have a constant slight headache from the pressure. My discharge is still clear so I know there isn’t an infection but damn, I am just miserable. And I hate breathing through my mouth most of the time. It’s wearing me out.

I am almost done with the writing book that I am reading. I should be done with it today. I read this morning about keeping a day journal to store ideas and other thoughts about writing. So now that I got some stuff percolating about my book and my therapist’s session, I pulled out a composition book and placed it on my bed for easy access. The book also suggested making a box of ideas, but I am not that advanced as a writer. I told my therapist that I was going to look for my psychology book to do some research for my book. It’s been a while since I learned about the different psych disorders. It might be a little outdated as far as the DSM goes but most of the criteria for the major disorders have stayed the same. I really want to write a chapter about narcissism but other than being vain and an asshole, I don’t know what other types of characteristics there are.
Another nice thing about this book was that it has short chapters, which is what I want my book to be. I really don’t want the chapters to be drawn out, about 2000 words or less. The only big story is the Darkness piece, but that can be trimmed down. I don’t want to edit right now while I am still trying to work on writing. It will just be confusing. The author of the book actually wrote another book based on about 850 words per chapter. That is when I got excited because my writing is about that length and is doable. If something really needs to be longer, than so be it but 850 seems like a good goal.

Wednesday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wednesday Blog

I brought so much stuff to my father’s appointment that I couldn’t do anything with it all. I did read some of Dostoevsky, but he annoyed the crap out of me when he started talking about Islam and Christianity. I had to put the tablet down because I knew he would just ramble on and on and I couldn’t deal. The appointment went faster than it did last week, which was good. We got out at a decent hour though the stupid doctor only spent a quarter of a minute with us. She just left it all up to the NP, which pissed me off.

After the appointment, my sister took us out to eat. I had a huge burger that was very good. But the fries were so so. They had garlic salt on them and I am don’t like garlic that much. I prefer to season my fries as I like them. I’ll know for next time.

I have been up since before the crack of dawn. I am now wiped out. For the first time in forever, I had to pee at least three times while I was out. I didn’t even drink that much but whatever. Each time it felt like my bladder was going to burst. I knew it wouldn’t because of the retention that I have but still, why stretch my bladder. Last thing I want is a big puddle. I can take leaking but not puddles. I don’t think physical therapy will help with that. I got to call tomorrow and see where I am going to go. The place down the street from me is having construction all around and I am not crossing the damn street with construction. I will have to go to Charlestown, which means speaking to voicemail machines again. I threw my back out while I was brushing my teeth this morning. It took an hour to get the kinks out.

I really want to nap. I am so exhausted from dealing with my father. I hope I got his new regimen of meds right. I had to count the days several times as the PCP has him on a TTSS schedule for his fluid pills. And then his INR is on another schedule. I was already fatigued when I got there so my brain just wouldn’t function. It was so frustrating.

My ankle is hurting really good. I didn’t wear heavy boots today just a slip on kind as the weather was mild even if it was cold. There wasn’t too much ice and snow despite it snowing flurries. People need to shovel their walkways or they get ticketed in my city. Only problem is that where the property divides, there is usually a snow bank, making it impossible to pass so you are better off walking in the street anyway.

I didn’t have to walk too much but I did have to wheel my father around the hospital because he is a fuck. He was tired today so I gave him the benefit of the doubt. My ankle still smarts from that walking. Now that I think of it, I don’t know why my sister didn’t wheel him. Oh well, next time.

I really am feeling lousy because I am so tired. I just feel really run down, though I haven’t done anything physical or mentally draining. I hope I am not getting sick. Think I will up my vitamin D just in case. D always makes me feel better. A nap always does too.

terrible sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Terrible Sleep

I woke up around 2 hours ago because my arm was having side effects of the abilify. I took some Ativan and then went to sleep. It was not a good sleep. I had a very strange dream where my sister was spraying me with this god awful perfume, my niece decided she wasn’t going to do anything on Tuesdays, even if it meant that something was due on that day, and things have been stolen from this event that I was participating in. It was just very strange.

So now I am up and feel sick to my stomach. I don’t think the pork chops that I had last night are agreeing with me. I used to like pork but lately, my system just doesn’t care for it. I hope I don’t puke because I hate puking. I just have a very unsettled stomach. I want to eat something but I am afraid it will make my stomach worse.

Both of my ears are itchy as hell. I have eczema in both ears and it flares up sometimes. I should have put the medicine in my ear before I started scratching but now it’s too late. I have to wait until my ear heals because I caused some bleeding. I hate when I scratch so badly, I bleed.

I think I am going to make some coffee. I won’t be making the Kona coffee I had yesterday. It was too strong for me, though it tasted awesome. I will make my Brazil coffee that I love. I hope I make it right this time because last time it was too rich. I couldn’t drink it all. I got to get a some more Pike coffee or breakfast blend. It’s my go to when I don’t feel like have the specialty coffees. I haven’t decided what I am going to do after I had coffee. I hope it wakes me up and doesn’t bother my stomach. Maybe I will just have hot chocolate instead. I should have a cup of tea to settle my stomach but I don’t feel like it. So coffee it is! Now if only I can get out of bed, that would be wonderful…

Ramblings 79

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I took a much needed nap after dinner and now I can’t go back to sleep just yet. I took just one of my mood stabilizer pills rather than two tonight. When I woke up from my nap I had to pee really bad and then I saw a spider in the bathroom going round and round in circles. The spider has been in there for a couple of weeks now. I just have let it be because they eat bugs not people. But tonight he was at a place where I could get him, until he left the confines of the shower and hid in the curtain. I quickly did my business and washed my hands to flee the room. My confidence in getting him was nil. I hate bugs. And will usually kill them some how but spiders. I don’t like them and as long as they let me be, I will let them be.

My nose has still been stuffy and congested. My nostrils are irritated from blowing my nose so much and now I am getting a zit underneath my nose. I can’t pop it yet because it hasn’t come to a head, but man, is it painful. I think getting a zit in that area has to be the most painful to get. And you would think I wouldn’t get one now that I am past my thirties, but nope. I still get the stupid zits. So annoying.

I don’t know why I am so congested. It’s very annoying as this has been going on the last several months. I don’t know if it’s allergies or due to the heat. When the heat isn’t on, I breath better so that is one factor. Also if I am not in my room for long periods, my nose clears up, sometimes. But I will still have a runny nose. The discharge is clear so I don’t think I have an infection of some sort. I am just annoyed that I can’t breath at times and have to use Afrin to clear up the passageways. I know that you aren’t supposed to use it for more than 3 days but the congestion is just so bad that I can’t breathe unless I use it. I hate breathing out of my mouth. I only use it once a day.

I really am not looking forward to another day of dealing with my fucking asshole father. Just two more appointments and then I can go back to the weekly visits where I just do his meds. It’s supposed to snow again tomorrow, which sucks. I don’t know how bad it’s supposed to be. My Twitter feed is all about the stupid NH primary. I haven’t seen the weather report.

I am making progress in the book I am reading about writing. I can’t say it’s been helpful but it has made me think of my writing in different terms. I just wish I could get the ball rolling with the book I am writing to put this in good use. I could edit some more of what I have written so far but I hate editing. I can never decide what to cut and what to keep.