Category: Bipolar Disorder

Hot Chocolate and other Thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Hot Chocolate and Other Thoughts

A blogger friend made a comment on my Dark Hot Chocolate post and I thought I would have a cup. I have been up since 0445. I plan on taking some nerve pain meds to get back to sleep. I want to finish my cup of cocoa first.

My mood is still down and I cannot seem to fix my TiVo. I am very, very sad about this. There are shows on there that I haven’t seen, like Rizzoli and Isles and definitely, Bones. Part of me doesn’t care and part of me is extremely pissed off that I didn’t watch the shows when I could have. I am going to play around with it sometime today to see if it will boot up.

I’m still having suicidal thoughts. My therapist called me after I sent her a distressing text. We talk for a bit and she made me promise that I wouldn’t do anything this weekend. She really wants to see me on my birthday. Now I have to get a Zipcar. My only worry is that I won’t be able to get one at a place that I know. I really want to get the same car I got last time. It drove really well. I think next time I am going to take the highway home rather than go through the back roads. It seemed to take forever to get home through the back roads and I was getting really aggravated because I wanted to go home. It depends on how I feel. I was going to take the other highway home but there was traffic due to construction and I didn’t want to sit in traffic. There was no traffic on the back roads but I was just impatient to get home.

My suicidal plans are put off, again. I am not sure how I feel about this. I feel discouraged and angry. I shouldn’t have told my therapist about this. I don’t know why I seem to do things like this. I just feel so hopeless about every thing that is going on in my life. I can’t seem to do a damn thing. The only thing I can do is watch my niece when my sister needs me to, though I can no longer pick her up from school. The distance is just too much for me. There are too many hills for me to climb. It saddens me because I was once able to do those hills without a problem. And it kills me that I am disabled. I fucking hate being disabled where I can no longer do the things I was did. I can’t walk, which was my major stress reliever. I had my game, which was also my stress reliever but it shut down and I haven’t been able to find something similar. I could play Farmville but there is no challenge to that. You just plant your crops and collect “money” when you harvest then plant your crops again. It’s lost its appeal. I just have no other activities to keep me occupied so I think about suicide most of the time.

The reason I think about suicide is not only because I am disgruntled that I am disabled, but also because I don’t have anything else to occupy my time. Sure I go out to Starbucks and have my drink and write in my journal. But then I get anxious and need to come home. I only stay for about an hour, sometimes less. And then my mother calls me to see what I am doing. She also calls to let me know what we are having for supper. I try to have enough funds to last me through the month but sometimes it doesn’t work out that way. This month I bought coffee so my funds were lower than they should be. I meant to add more funds to the Starbucks card but I never did. So now I have the entire weekend to ponder about my upcoming appointment with my neurosurgeon.

Saturday, I am going out with my sisters for Chinese food. It’s my birthday celebration with them. I wanted to go to another place but I have been deprived of Lo Mein for a while and I want it dammit! I also want General Gao. So I already know what I want. That will be a distraction for a little while. I am sure I will continue to write my Saturday Blogs. I know I have been writing more blogs. It helps to write my thoughts down.

Random 142

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Random 142

My TiVo is on the fritz. It keeps telling me that the internal temp is too high and then shuts off. It’s had a long life, 14 years. Only thing is, I don’t want to buy a replacement because you have to pay monthly. I might get cable DVR services but I will have to have a strict talk with my mother if I do. I don’t want her cancelling my shows because she wants to watch hers if I am paying for it. I already missed at least three episodes of Bones because of this. I don’t want to miss the season.

I went over my father’s and did what I had to do. I then left. He gave me some chicken cutlets so I had that for lunch. My mother wanted me to go to Walgreens but I just wasn’t up for it. I was hurting, tired, and needed food and coffee. I said that I would go later but this coffee is having no effect on my tiredness so I might take a nap. Being up in the middle of the night and then sleeping did me no favors. I had to buy my father bread other wise I would have slept later. It’s a good thing I went when I did because they only had 4 loaves left. He still complains about the bread, wanting to know where I bought it, as if I make it at home. Guy is ridiculous.

I don’t know if it’s because I am tired or what, but I am wicked down. I met my cousin on the bus ride home and she reminded me again that I was turning the big number. I wanted to smack her. I don’t understand why everyone is making such a big deal over it. It’s just a number. I will be that number for a fucking year so I don’t understand why they are making a big deal. I hate my birthday and I rather die this weekend than live to see it in a few days. I have four bottles of pills that I can use to kill myself this weekend. But I am too scared that I will just get sick and live that it’s not even worth trying. This depresses me to no end. I feel like I am such a failure or wimp for not even trying.

I am not even trying to be positive or hopeful. I just hope I don’t wake up one morning. Nothing makes me happy anymore. Nothing gives me pleasure. I just want to die. I want to cease to exist. My therapist thinks otherwise. She can’t envision a life without me in it. Awkward how that is. But then we have been working so long together, I think she is a little codependent on me. I know my death will devastate her as will a lot of people including my family.

It’s 0315 and I got Eric Church music on my Brain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0315 and I got Eric Church music on my Brain

I woke up forty-five minutes ago. I decided to write a blog because it helps me sleep. Now I have Eric Church’s music running in my brain. No matter what, I can’t seem to turn his music off. I have been listening to his album, Mr. Misunderstood, for weeks now. I thought I could listen to something else, like Taylor Swift or Luke Bryan, but I always seem to come back to Church. I don’t know why I am so addicted to his music. Maybe because I can relate to at least three of his songs and the others I just like hearing the beat. His 3 year old song is very cute and my MP3 player seems to like it because it plays it more than the others.

The reason I am up is because of pain. I woke up to my ankle hurting me. I started reading Twitter and there was nothing good to read. Nothing was on Facebook either, though I answered someone’s reply on my support group. There is usually nothing going on during these hours. All I can do is take my pain meds and hope I go back to sleep. I have nothing else to distract me from the pain. I might try reading my book but it’s hard to concentrate when you are in pain. The pain has lessened somewhat so I hope that means I am sleep bound soon.

I had an app on my phone that was for my online grocery ordering. It’s no longer supported so I had to uninstall it. I like it because it beat having to go on my laptop when I thought of something to buy. I am not buying as much as I did last month. I am trying to keep it under $100. But it’s difficult because Stop and Shop is expensive. If they didn’t have my flavor of Powerade, I wouldn’t shop there. I would certainly be screwed though. You would think Lemon-lime would be in stock in most of the stores like Walgreens and Rite-Aid but they don’t have it. I can only get it at Stop and Shop. It saves me time when I order and then I don’t have to lug the stuff up the stairs. The delivery guy does it. I just have to put the things away.

Found out the place that I want to order my Chinese food for Christmas Eve is online. I don’t have to call to place the order. I am so glad because I hate calling on the phone. I still need to get their menu. I was going to get it today but they weren’t open. I will get it next week when I see my neurosurgeon. I like ordering combination plates because it is cheaper than buying things individually. But I didn’t see dinner combos, just lunch and there was no indication that it was served all day.

If it wasn’t so early in the morning, I think I would make coffee. I haven’t had it all week. When I do get up later this morning, I am going to make my Brazil coffee. I want still need to buy another bag of it while it’s still in stock. I can’t let this pass. I also need to see if the liquor store in the Square sells a particular stout I am looking for. It’s a Mexican chocolate stout and is supposed to be really good. I am not really a stout person but I find I like them better than a beer because it doesn’t taste like beer. It’s heavier and richer but I think with the chocolate and other flavors, it won’t be hoppy. It’s very rare that I will drink beer as I am more for hard liquor. When I drink, I want to get drunk, and fast. Plus this stout is like 8.1% alcohol. I hope they have it. It will make me happy.

Pain, Pain, and More Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Pain, Pain, and more Pain

I had my appointment with my PCP, my last appointment with him, today. He said that the office will continue managing my pain so I was happy about that. I get to see the nurse practitioner next month and I guess we’ll just go from there. I hope I just see her from now on rather than seeing the doc I don’t know. I like the NP. She doesn’t poke and prod like he does and then I can walk out without being in pain. After I left, I had to stand on the train as there were no seats. My leg didn’t not like me. My ankle was already mad at me and my socks had started to dig in me as my leg was swelling. It happens if I am wearing them too long and have to go about things. It only happens with my bad leg, not my right so I know it’s because of the pain syndrome that I have. My PCP recommended that I go to a rehab place. If you read the blog from this morning, this place is similar to what that place except I think my insurance covers it. I have to find out. This rehab place doesn’t offer medications but tries to take you off them. It’s something I have been offered before but declined. Once I know what is going on with my back and things with my father, I will make an appointment for it. It’s like a three month program looking at the brochure so I really need to have time for me to do this.

We said our goodbyes. I still can’t believe he is going. But he wanted some place that meant more time for his kids, which I get. They don’t stay little forever and before you know it they are adults. I wished him well. I feel really sad as I have known him for so long. Technically, he has been my PCP most of my adult life.

Before I saw him, I had my appointment with my therapist. I think sitting for so long aggravated my thigh pain. It has been bothering me for some hours now and I don’t like it. Nothing helps this pain so I am screwed. I think lying down helps so I will try that once I finish this blog.

My therapist was like a little kid today. She was excited about the prospect of me seeing her on my birthday. It all depends on if I can find a Zipcar for the hours that I need it on that day. She asked if I can reserve it in advance and I told her they charge your card that day and I don’t have money on my card right now. Plus, I don’t think they take a week reservation advances. It’s usually the day before or the day of you want to rent the car. We spent a good time talking about the stress of my birthday as I still don’t know what is going on that actual night. I know they are having a party for me but I, as guess of honor, have no clue what the hell time it is. Most likely it will be around 6 or 7.

We also talked about my PTSD symptoms as I told her I was relaxed for the first time about leaving my bag on the floor where I was talking to her. Usually, I am paranoid someone is going to take the bag. It doesn’t have anything valuable in it. Just some notepads, my journal, and a book. But they are valuable to me and to me only. She said that because I am in a constant state of hypervigilance it’s easy to become paranoid, or something like that. I understood what she was saying but I don’t remember her exact words. She is also worried about my anxiety levels lately as my pain has been awful and sometimes I will have flashbacks. It’s going to be hard seeing my neurosurgeon on Tuesday. I haven’t seen him in so long. I guess I should be lucky that in nine years I haven’t needed him again. But that doesn’t take away the fear that I have about seeing him. I wish my doc would have ordered an MRI before I saw him. This way I would know if he is needed or I just need physical therapy or something. But my gut tells me something is wrong and that is freaking me out. My therapist is right to be worried. I am, too.

We talked some more about my father being an asshole as he called in the middle of session. Someone always calls whenever I am on the phone with her or someone else. My phone doesn’t ring at any other time except when I am on the phone with someone. It really pissed her off that he kicked me yesterday. I was still sore today because my nerves are messed up. He didn’t kick me hard but just enough to cause pressure changes and my leg didn’t like it one fucking bit. Today my PCP was touching the affected area. I thought I was going to jump off the table. That area of my leg is just very sensitive because of the nerve damage I suffered.

My therapist also asked about my suicidality. I told her I still plan on checking out but it just depends on when. Funny how when you make the decision to go through with it, you begin to feel better about things. That is how I am feeling right now. I am not as depressed as I was because I know I will be ending my life soon. She didn’t like it but I am not going to end up a cripple. I mean I sort of am a cripple, a mental cripple, but to be both a physical and mental one, forget about it.

Two things I was going to do today I didn’t do. One was to call the dentist for a cleaning and the second being to take a shower. I might try again tomorrow. I really think my leg will divorce me if I try to take a shower tonight. I just am in too much pain to stand for 10-20 minutes. I already did more than that waiting for the bus and train. I don’t even think my pain meds will bail me out of this one. I’m just going to rest the rest of tonight, maybe watch a movie or read my book. I haven’t read my book in two days so I need to do it if I plan on finishing the chapter by the end of the week. I was hoping to finish the book this week but that isn’t happening. I had too many days of non-reading.