Category: Bipolar Disorder

Random 145

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Last night as I was reading Twitter, I came across a tweet by one of the psychologists I follow. He is big on Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT). I read the article in his tweet, written by the Wall Street Journal, rather than a more reputable medical source. I was skeptical and sure enough I had reason to be. The article was on back pain and for a whopping $17,000 you can have this new form of therapy called “Functional restorative therapy”. It’s a combination of physical therapy and psychotherapy (CBT) to help you basically learn to live with the pain after other medical treatments have failed. I am not against CBT, but I am against the other stuff as someone with my condition, Cauda Equina Syndrome, might not be able to do their exercises and stretches because we no longer have the strength to do so. The article fails to mention this and when I said that this method needs more research, this psychologist went off on me, wanting to know why I said what I did. For fucks sake. I have been living with CES for the past 15 years almost. Been through almost every type of physical therapy out there. I don’t think it would be right for me and might actually harm me. The CBT might be helpful and after I said this, he settled down. That is all he wanted me to say. He is a real trouble maker as when you go against HIS views he starts an argument. I don’t know why I continue to follow him. I should mute him.

I didn’t have a good sleep. I woke up around 0230 and then went back to sleep around 0300. Then I woke up a few hours later. I thought I would sleep till at least 0900 but nope. My bladder put those dreams to rest. I am so tired and the day hasn’t even started yet. I really want a coffee. But I will be leaving in about an hour to have my Starbucks. Yesterday, I tried a vanilla soy latte and I really liked it. I am going to have another one today. I think I will have time to write in my journal and eat a pop tart. I like the cherry and smores. I forgot to buy the smores kind so all I have is cherry.

Last night I told my sister I will be going to the neurosurgeon next week. I hope she doesn’t tell my mother. I don’t need them to worry right before Christmas. This morning my back feels ok, but then I haven’t started to do anything that would aggravate it. It’s cold this morning and is not supposed to go beyond the 40s today. I might wear my Red Sox jacket but I am not sure if that will be too warm. It’s a lightweight jacket but really insulated. I like being warm but hate being too warm.

My therapist told me she finagled the bagel and will be working on my birthday. I am going to try and get a Zipcar that day to see her. It will be good to see her before she goes on vacation. I just realized that both my psychiatrist and therapist will be gone the week following Christmas. This sucks.

In Pain, again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In Pain, again

I was talking to my therapist today about things that happened this morning. I sent my previous blog to my psychiatrist and got a response. I really wasn’t expecting one as she is recovering from surgery but I guess she found her way to a computer and emailed me back. I nearly broke down in tears when I read the message. I don’t know if it was because she said she knew this month was hard for me or that I was relieved that she was doing well in her recovery, but the tears were flowing. I tried stopping them because I had to go out soon and didn’t want to be a mess. I hardly ever cry and when I do, the tears don’t stop.

I took my asshole father to his appointment and the bastard kicked me in my sore leg. I am not kidding and when I complained to him, he laughed. I just hoped that we were out of there soon so I could be in a private place to talk to my therapist. The hell with him and his test results. He could die for all I care. I am so sick of his not caring, yet I am supposed to? FUCK THAT SHIT. It’s either both ways or no way.

While I was talking with my therapist, my thigh acted up. I had taken an extra baclofen to try and see if that will help the pain and discomfort I have been feeling. I guess it’s too early to tell as it was just one dose. I didn’t even do too much walking, least not as much as I did yesterday, and it still flared up on me. I know something is going on with my L3 nerve root. I am going to tell my neurosurgeon this and my PCP, though he already knows this, or should by now. Nothing is helping this pain so I know from past experience something is up with my back.

My therapist wasn’t able to read the entire blog piece that I wrote about Reasons for Living and Reasons for Dying. I don’t even remember how long it was as I was just rambling. From what she said, it was a good piece of writing. I said of course it is, I wrote it in the wee hours of the morning. She then started some mumble jumble about how I am uninhibited during those hours to write so well. I just know my best writing comes when I am tired and it’s after 2300. I really can’t sleep unless I write sometimes. Last night was one of those times. I was beyond exhausted and it was after 2300.

I so wanted to drink some whiskey when I came home but I already took my pain meds and I don’t think that would be a good idea. I really need to try and get a hold of this pain. Worse case scenario is that I break out my strong pain pills. I know I need some sleep too as I only got around three hours last night. I was too worried about oversleeping because I didn’t go to bed till after 0230. It sucks being in pain. I need chocolate. That will help my mood…

Reasons for Living vs. Reasons for Dying

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt

Reasons for Living vs Reasons for Dying

This title is the name of an article written by David Jobes. It has to do with suicidality. The idea is to list your reasons for living and then your reasons for dying. The hope is that the reasons for living outweigh the reasons for dying.

I have been struggling a lot lately with my suicidality. Last week I wanted to do something very badly. I didn’t care what it was, as long as the end result was death. I texted my therapist and after I met my ungrateful father, she called me. We talked about my plan that was running around my head and the stressors that was leading me to think of suicide. It was a short phone call so we didn’t get into real specifics. I am sure that if we had time for a session, she would have asked what my reasons for living/dying were. It’s her way of gauging just how suicidal I am. Usually if I don’t have any reasons for living, my constriction is pretty high. Constriction is the narrowing of the senses. In this case, I only see suicide as a way out and I am damned to achieve it one way or another. I have been stressed over my birthday, not to mention Christmas and still trying to save money for the new year because I know I will have to pay for my prescriptions again. I also need to save some money so I can see my therapist sometime in the new year. But that is all future planning and it is stressing me out to no end. I don’t want to live to see my birthday in the 9 days. I was planning on ending things this Saturday so I made plans with my sisters for a birthday dinner with just the three of us. I still have Sunday to worry about. And the fact that what I have in mind, I have plenty of is not helping my case. I have three bottles of meds that I could use to try and end my life. But the problem is where I will do this. I can’t do it at home because I don’t want to be found by family members. And I know it will be traumatic to anyone that finds me, but I don’t care. I can’t stand living this hell that is supposedly called life. I am in so much pain lately that I can’t think. The new pain meds have me so sedated it’s not funny. And I think it’s messing up my bowels, too. Instead of being constipated, I am now having loose stools. That might be good for a “normal” person but not good with someone like me who has impaired function of their bowel due to cauda equina syndrome.

I made an appointment with my neurosurgeon the day before my birthday. It is going to be a wasted visit because there are no new images of my back. The latest scan was in 2007. So it’s just talking to him to update him on what is going on and then he will most likely order an MRI. I will then have to have another appointment to discuss the results. I am scared that I will have to have surgery again. I have no idea what that will mean. Or he might decide to pass me off to another neurosurgeon because he is a pedi doc and not an adult doc. I don’t know. I will be pissed off it I am again passed the buck to someone else.

I am also worried that I am not going to get the level of care from the new PCP in my doc’s office when he leaves and my days on opioids might be coming to an end. That is what is really freaking me out. I can’t manage my pain without these meds. It keeps me sane. But some doctors wrote an article in a prominent medical journal about how chronic pain patients get lumped with substance abuse disorders and other mental health issues and therefore “abuse” the meds they receive. Which is utter nonsense. I have never abused nor taken more than prescribed. I take what I need on a given day. Sure there might be some days that I need more medicine than others but that is rare. When I have a pain flare up, it might mean 6 pills instead of 4. Or if I am not in too much pain, it might mean just 2 pills a day. It varies because my pain is not constant all the time. It’s always a three on a scale of 1-10 at any given point but any activity (going up and down stairs, walking for lengths of time, standing for lengths of time, etc.) will increase my pain at night. At night is when my pain is at its worse. That is when my reasons for living go out the fucking window and my reasons for dying increase trifold. This is what it’s like living with chronic pain.

My therapist knows this. She has seen the worst of my suicidality to know when to intervene and when to let me vent. She tries hard to let me work it out on my own as I usually do. She guides me through these rough passages. But I don’t know if this time she has what it takes to see me through these waters. I am so drowning and I just feel like no one is hearing me scream in a crowded room. I am just so sad that my doctor is leaving, my psychiatrist is not available at the moment, and I have to face a neurosurgeon the day before I really don’t want to be alive.

Was Pain Free, at Least for a Little While

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Was Pain Free, at least a little while

I did a few errands today as I had to pick up my prescriptions. Seems like every week I have something to pick up. Cost of being on a lot of meds I guess. Anyways, up until then, I was pain free. I started walking home and my thigh started aching. I didn’t know if I would be able to make it home. I took a shower this morning as I was up really early, like 0400 early. The hungry horrors struck as I had a big bowl of oatmeal and then an hour later I was still hungry. I had a pop tart. I was then hungry about a half hour later but decided to drink some water and take a nap. I didn’t sleep very well as my phone kept going off with messages and someone from Indiana keeps calling me. Every time I block the number, a new number appears. Fuckers. I only know one person from Indiana and I know it’s not her because her contact information would show up on my phone. It has to be a bill collector of some sort because they call several times a day. They NEVER leave a message so I don’t answer the phone.

It was good to be pain free for at least 12 hours or so. I guess my errand running flared up my leg. I guess the combination of my pain meds and nerve pain meds are keeping the pain in my ankle/foot at bay. That body part still is quiet so please don’t wake it. LOL. I am sure I will probably be in pain later when the meds wear off. The only pain I really had before going out was my back because I was taking a shower and standing for longer than ten minutes. It went away, luckily, when I rested. Surprisingly, it didn’t return while I was doing my errands and walking to the different places I had to go. It’s a mystery as to how it is set off. I think being barefoot has something to do with it. I am almost always barefoot around the house. Only time I wear slippers is when I know the kitchen floor is likely to be cold because it is cold out. Luckily we have been having warm weather for December so I can still be barefoot.

I started reading the next chapter in my book. I am surprised General McClellan is still in command. I forget the year he got fired and know his time is coming to a close because Lincoln’s cabinet is rounding a petition to have him fired or else. He hasn’t done a damn thing since the 7 days of War. The guy just annoys me, mostly because he refuses to include the president in his planning. To me, that is just disrespectful to the Commander in Chief. I hope to finish this book by the end of the week. I know I said I would write a review of the book but now I am not so sure. It turned out to be a better book than I thought it would be. I am learning more about the history than I thought I would. The author definitely researched this book very well.

Other than continue to read this book today, I am just going to rest my leg. I hope I don’t have to go up and down the stairs too much. My bowels seem to have exploded after I had my coffee so I hope my last trip to the bathroom was my last. I also hope that my hunger strikes don’t happen, though I still haven’t had lunch yet. Part of the reason I wanted to have coffee (besides the awful headache I woke with after my nap) was to curb my appetite. I still want egg and toast. I might have it later, if my mother doesn’t make anything for supper. We still have the load of fish she cooked. I don’t know who is going to eat it. I certainly am not going to eat reheated fish. Just the thought of it grosses me out. And the resulting smell it will leave in the kitchen does too.