Category: Bipolar Disorder

Warm Wednesday finally

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Warm Wednesday Finally

The temps in Boston were higher than Dallas and Miami, which is unusual. Last night it was 61 when I finally when to bed sometime around 3 I think. I was in a bad flare. I ended up going on a shopping spree. I wanted to buy more pajama pants and some shorts for the summer. I still need to buy some jean shorts as I only have one pair. I have a cargo shorts but they are getting worn. I haven’t really bought clothes since I went on disability six years ago. I also bought a couple pairs of sneakers has it has been as long since I bought them. They will last. I bought two kinds, one with laces and one with Velcro. I think the Velcro will be easier with the AFO. If not, I will have a spare pair.

My med alarm scared me. I took my BP pill and then went back to sleep only to wake up scared again with my alarm to get up for my groceries. I wanted to make pancakes but I wasn’t hungry or motivated to. I made coffee. It was good with the sweet cream. I didn’t use any sugar, which is good because it would have been too sweet. I only had half a cup. I realize I like the taste more than I like drinking it. I had a pop tart and then waited for my groceries. They were running late and when the driver came he was a wreck. He was driving all over the place and I guess the customers were not happy about late deliveries.

I put the stuff away and then made lunch. I bought Brie cheese and didn’t realize you had to keep it out a while for it to be soft. I had put it in the fridge as I didn’t know this until I was making my lunch. I put too much so it was filling. I will leave it out next time so it will be softer to spread. I still enjoyed the sandwich. Maple turkey breast, Brie, and cranberry sauce in a tortilla wrap. So good.

Afterwards, I was so damn tired I took a nap. A friend called me around 1630. I just let the phone ring. I didn’t want to get up. But then my bladder said I had to so as I stretched, my foot fricken cramped! OMG, not good! I was in so much pain. It finally settled down on its own. I had trouble walking and hope the cramp didn’t cause any damage. That is all I need. I had dinner and then just played on my phone for a bit. I am really tired so I hope I sleep tonight. My foot is still hurting a lot. It’s always a question of whether it is going to keep me up or not. I am hoping now. But it is also hot in my room so who knows. There will be thunderstorms tomorrow afternoon/evening. Always happens when the weather is warm.

going out fail

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Going out fail

I woke up around 9. I had about 6 hours of sleep so that was good. I was feeling okay so decided I would go out. I showered and brushed my teeth. My mother was going over my aunt’s because she was going to Walgreens with her. I am glad she is going out. She needs to as I am sure being stuck in the house sucks every day.

I had taken my phone off the charger when it was fully charged last night and I was at less than 50% because I had messages. I hate when that happens. I put it on the charger after I took my shower for a little bit. I had an extra power cord so I could charge it when I got to Starbucks. I got dressed, grabbed my cup, and left for the bus stop.

When I got to the Square and started towards Starbucks, my ankle started hurting. It was crowded in the store but I found a seat. I got my breakfast and espresso. The pain didn’t get better so after I finished eating, I decided to check the strawberries at the grocery store then go home. I missed the bus and the next the one wasn’t for another half hour so I had some time to kill. The strawberries were expensive. I got a wrap for lunch and then went to see my barber to see if he had my dish. He didn’t have customers so went to his house to get the dish. I waited and met the fill in guy. He seemed nice. My barber came back and I gave him my number so he could call when he wanted the casserole again. He said thanks and I went to the bus stop. My ankle was really smarting. I could barely walk home. I struggled up the stairs and was saying to myself that this story is never going to get written. I was feeling hopeless again because pain has taken so much from me. Now it’s affecting my writing (not blog related). Just sucks because I really like writing and I know this story will be good if it ever gets out of my head. Maybe I can use this POS to write it out when I get the chance.

I threw caution to the wind last night and bought a new laptop. It was within my price range, has 8 GB RAM and a 1TB hard drive or SSD, whatever you want to call it. It comes in on Friday and I also ordered Office 2016. It takes a little getting used to but I like it and think I have figured it out. It is similar to 2013, which was what I had before, but the saving of a document or other files is different. I think it has too many clicks. The new laptop weighs about 5 pounds, which isn’t too bad. This POS weighs around 2 and is really light. I am kind of worried with the delivery as I am not going to be home but soon as the shipper gets it, I am going to see if they can change the time/date so I will be home.

My lower leg is throbbing so bad. I am listening to Cam to try and distract. I am going to have my lunch pretty soon. My mother is making pork chops for dinner. I am not crazy about it. Last time they tasted funny. I didn’t get sick so I guess it was just the taste of the pork.

unstable and need more therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had very little sleep. I finally went to sleep around maybe 5. I had set my alarm for 3 different times and didn’t actually wake up till the last one went off, when I knew I had to get up or I would miss my psychiatrist’s appt. I really didn’t want to go to either appointment today. I really had the why bother feeling.

I got to Starbucks and had my breakfast so that put me in a slightly better mood. I had 6 shots of espresso because I was so sleep deprived. When I was finished eating, it was time to catch the train. I was a little bit close to on time. I am almost always early for my psych but the train was kind of slow going to a few stations and they were announcing something about shuttle buses but I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying.

My doc called me and she asked what was up. I told her not much had changed since I last saw her except that I moved my date to a week later. I didn’t tell her why. I told her I was miserable and I didn’t like that. I was tired of being in pain. She said that she thinks the pain doc is going to prescribe me the longer acting med. I told her I wasn’t hopeful about the upcoming appt. I didn’t tell her I was being screwed with my pain meds, though I felt like it. I told her I didn’t know if I should start hormone therapy. She said something about being stable and I asked if she thought I was and she said no. Great. Tell me something I don’t know. So much for faking things with her, haha. So I am unstable. She asked when I was seeing my therapist and I said 2. I had to find the bus stop as walking is difficult right now. She will see me in two weeks and I had the urge to email her saying forget it but didn’t. She said to let her know about my appt with the pain doc and I said okay. I will be in touch.

I left for my therapist’s office. I got off at the wrong exit and walked like two blocks to find a bus stop. I checked to see when the next bus was coming at this stop and found I walked by a closer one. Nice. Just what my ankle needed. The app said the bus would be here in 15 but I think it was closer to 20 minutes. I still had plenty of time. I got off at the stop after city hall, which was closer to my therapist’s office than city hall so it worked out well. I had about a half hour to kill. I used the bathroom as the espresso was running its course. I wish I bought some water as I was thirsty. The waiting room didn’t have a water cooler. That kind of stinks.

I saw my therapist and about 10 minutes in I just burst out crying. I have no idea what came over me. I must have cried for fifteen minutes and I don’t even know what I was crying about. I told him how frustrated I was with pain, and walking, and family not understanding, friends not understanding, not being treated with the right pain meds. It just all came out. I told him I even thought of not even bothering with therapy. He said that is a good idea, sarcastically. I asked him if he thought I should be in therapy after I was finished crying and got some what control of my emotions. He said he thought I needed more therapy, maybe twice a week. Then time was up and that was it. Thanks for nothing buddy. I was annoyed but felt better, sort of.

I stupidly walked to the station. It was raining most of the day so the stairs to the station were obviously wet. I almost missed a step going down and it scared me. My ankle was not happy. It was raining harder when I got to the Square. I went to the barber shop to see if my barber had my baking dish. He wasn’t in and the guy there didn’t know if he had it. I sent him a message and his wife said he would bring it tomorrow. I told him/her that I would be in the area Wednesday. That might change as I just ordered my groceries to be delivered between 11 and 1. If I feel up to it after I put my stuff away, I will go. I need to get my laptop fixed as this POS can’t be upgraded so I will be changing OS to Linux once I figure out how. I am going to try a factory reset first to see if that fixes the memory issues but I doubt it. I don’t have too many programs installed so I am kind of pissed the memory is gone. And I keep getting the windows update saying I need 8GB of memory to install. WTF Sorry, not happening! I am tempted to just buy another laptop with a larger memory storage. I have no idea if I get my other laptop fixed if there will be other issues. I haven’t used it since Oct. I am sure there are a shit load of updates and I know I will have to buy McAfee as it expired. Might just be worth getting a new fricken thing. I will check and see what they have available. I hate doing it but if it will save me a headache, it will be worth it!

I don’t know if my therapist will see me twice a week. I guess I will ask him next week but it will be tough to see him regularly. As it is right now, I am just seeing him like twice a month, if I am lucky there are no Monday holidays. He didn’t say if it would be a temporary or permanent thing. He wanted me to have the space to talk as I am not getting that right now. I’ll have to think about it because that means $30/wk as opposed to $15.

My ankle pain just spiked. I still need to figure out dinner. I should have bought Chipotle while I was in the Square. I could go for a burrito.

Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Painful Sunday

I had put on the compression sock before I went to sleep sometime last night. I wasn’t in too much pain until I took it off. The elastic bothered my foot so bad that it was intense pain. Luckily it settle down some, on its own. I was determined to make the crispy buffalo cauliflower bites today. It was costly though and they didn’t come out that great. My mother didn’t like them and complained there was not salt or pepper. I saved the sauce and cauliflower. I don’t know if I will make it again but it was good to try it. My mother think I should have made it with egg. Everything is better with eggs which is why we go through so many. We should just own a few chickens. It would be easier than buying them.

I didn’t answer when my mother called me saying dinner was ready. I was so mad at her. In the end she ended up cleaning up the mess I made. I felt bad but there was no way I could do it. I could barely stand after the cauliflower was done. I got hungry and even went downstairs with the boot. Damn thing didn’t stop or help the pain. I had trouble going back upstairs after I ate. My mother said to “rest”. I got mad again and punched the wall. I was so damn aggravated. I picked a new date as the date I had originally was too close to a birthday.

My loud mouth aunt joined facebook. I have no idea if it is her or not. She requested to be friends with me and I blocked her. No way she is knowing my business so she can gab about me behind my back, not like she doesn’t do this anyway. I just don’t need her calling my mother after every post, telling her what I post. My cousin did that and I blocked him. I don’t know if she now knows I am trans. I guess I will find out soon.

My laptop is fucking up. I have shit for memory and it finally has been filled up by god knows what. I cannot fucking wait to fix my other laptop or buy a new one. I don’t care at this point. It will be better than this piece of shit, though what I will do with it, I have no idea. A friend of mine was telling me about a different OS that takes up less hard drive space so maybe I will fiddle with that. I honestly just need this junk to have word and internet so I can post my blog. I can’t go on Facebook anymore because it eats RAM. I settled for using it just for Twitter but I can do that with my phone, which I am grateful I have pics hidden because one of the accounts I followed showed snakes and I am very phobic about snakes. If I went through via the internet the picture wouldn’t have been hidden and I might have had a panic attack. On Facebook you can’t do that, which sucks because a friend went to a friend’s house that had pythons. UGH. I manually hid that post so fast. Freaks me out!

I hope my fucking pain doesn’t keep me up tonight. Last night it kept me up till midnight but I slept for most of the day so it wasn’t bad. Plus I woke up around 0330 in pain so that wasn’t so great. I had to use lidocaine to ease some of the pain as it was just awful stabbing pains and I was getting a little crazy. My cousin called me and left a message to call him so I did. I automatically block his number because he annoys me. I told him I just don’t feel like talking every day. I rather text or email.