Category: chronic physical pain

Random 813

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I woke up from another nap, feeling wicked hot. I changed the settings on my fan to what they were before. I thought a lower setting would keep me cool but nope. It didn’t. I am back to a medium setting. My pain was acting up so I took some more pain meds. Then I “woke” up and can’t seem to settle down so I took a Benadryl. I have been using them more rather than taking Ativan because it works fast and knocks me out for at least 4-6 hours.

I started reading Twitter on my phone. It was making me laugh and be serious, because of the idiocy of Trump. People are really creative when it comes to memes and stuff. That is what makes me laugh. I do have a wicked bad feeling Trump is going to cause a war. It might not be soon, unless he gets impeached, but I have a feeling it will be while he is in office. He is just alienating a lot of countries. And they don’t like it. I just hope I figure out a way to die before the war starts.

I am really tired but I can’t seem to fall back to sleep. Pain isn’t helping. My damn toes are hurting me. There is nothing that I can really do except wait for the pain meds to kick in. I feel like having the last slice of cake but then I would have to clean the dish and I don’t want to. I’ll have my mother do it tomorrow, hahaha.

Starbucks has come out with a new coffee from Guatemala. It’s supposed to have cocoa notes and an aroma of orange. I think I will try it. I haven’t had a clover coffee in a while since my Brazil coffee went out of stock. I miss that coffee. It was so good. I will have the clover coffee and then my espresso over ice. I know it’s going to be a long day Tuesday because I will be in the ER most of the day.

I had to call Sprint yesterday because they still didn’t take off the charge of $200 on my account from when I lost my phone. The guy gave me a confirmation number saying that it should take about 7 days to clear out. Right now my bill is almost “delinquent” because I haven’t paid them this money. I am not going to because the money should have been taken off. Bums. I am not paying it.

The weather people are unsure how much snow we are going to get tomorrow so the basic idea it to make sure you have milk and bread. Why these items have become a staple during a snow storm, I have no idea.

Random 477

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t do anything today. I woke up late and ordered food. Pain was bad but not as bad as last night. I took my meds and waited for the food to get here. It was good and then I went back up to my room. I had started writing a blog but then I fell asleep. I just couldn’t keep my eyes open. I took a nap.

I am in a better mood than I was before the nap. Everything was annoying me. I am tired of being in pain. That is the bottom line. I am wiped out. I have no more energy to deal. I am completely depleted. I just want to die because I just can’t face another day of pain. Tomorrow there is going to be a blizzard. I am not looking forward to it.

I still need to pack for the hospital. I will do it tomorrow, if I feel like it. I took my meds when I woke up and then had a piece of pumpkin cake. I have two slices left. I love this cake. My psych hasn’t written to me about it so I am guessing she hasn’t retrieved it from her office. I hope it is still there come Monday.

It’s been hot and cold in my room all day. I shut the fan off and within a half hour, it’s hot again. I turn it back on and I get cold. UGH, I am so frustrated. I hope the hospital temperatures are at an even keel but you never know. The door has to be open so that sucks. I can’t really sleep unless it’s closed but they don’t allow that for checks. I’m not looking forward to going in. Maybe I just overreacted and don’t need to be in at all. But I think I will feel safer if I am in the hospital than not when another flare up occurs.

crying because of despair

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Crying because of despair

My ankle flared up earlier. Then my foot got cold. I was in a rotten mood because I couldn’t get food and because I am in pain. So I was sulking. But I had to take care of my frozen feet before they became more troublesome. I grabbed the thermal socks with grabber thingy and put my sock on my right foot first. Then I just casually hit my ankle with my knee to put the sock on the damaged fucking foot and holy fucking pain. I couldn’t believe I did something so damn stupid. I want to kill myself right then and there because there was no surviving this pain, not tonight, not any night. I just sat there stunned and it was the final blow to my moral.

I started crying. I just couldn’t help myself. I thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already seen her and I didn’t want to bother her between sobs. I wasn’t in the mood for talking anyways. I was in the mood for death to strangle me and take me out of my damn misery. That didn’t happen. I am proof of this because I am writing this blog. I posted to Facebook I was crying and one of my friends was like so cry you’ll smile later. FUCK YOU. Smile? Really? That is a joke when you are suicidal right? Just snap out of it and you will. PLEASE. If it only worked that way, psychiatry would be out of business.

After a small while, my sister called me. She needed feminine products for her daughter. She didn’t catch the emotion in my voice and I was grateful for that. So I bundle wrapped a few and threw them down the stairs. My right ankle protested more than my left. WHAT THE FUCK. Now both ankles are hurting me. Score for me. Glad I told my psychiatrist I was safe to be home because oh yeah, I was going to kill myself today. Meanwhile I am thinking of ways of killing myself. I am overwhelmed with emotion, despair, fucking out of my mind. I take an Ativan because what else was I going to do. There isn’t a tree I can hang from. Besides, there would be a shit storm of snow to get by to reach the damn tree. And more snow is coming this weekend. Lovely.

I emailed my psychiatrist that I wasn’t going into the hospital Monday because it was going to snow Sunday and I wasn’t walking in the mess that I walked through today. It’s a miracle I didn’t twist an ankle. So Tuesday I will be admitted before my next meltdown really has me doing something I might regret. My only sadness is that I won’t have pain control like I have at home. I won’t have my strong pain pill to take while inpatient. I will have to make sure they give me my fucking regular pain pills on a schedule as a standing fucking dose because I will scream bloody murder if I miss a dose. And it better be two fucking pills, not one, two. Otherwise, I will fucking manage my way out of the hospital and kill myself by running in front of a bus or train or something. A semi might do too but they are infrequent around here.

My psych sent a response that it was okay with her for me to go in. She is also sorry she didn’t try my cake as she left it in the office. She said she will get it tomorrow so I hope to hear her review then. If my damn ankles weren’t hurting me, I would have a slice myself. It might help my mood. But unless my bladder is ready to explode or the house is on fire, I am not leaving my bed.

cold and busy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold and busy day

I woke up early this morning. I had around six hours of sleep, which is good comparing to what it used to be like so I am not complaining, even though it was early in the morning. I made breakfast and a cup of tea because I would be going to Starbucks later and didn’t want to overload on caffeine.

I wasn’t in pain so didn’t take any pain meds. I tried to rest for 45 mins before I had to get ready. About 40 mins into my resting period, I hear something fall. I thought it was my mother so I raced downstairs to see if she was okay. She was fine. It must have been the snow falling off the roof that made the noise. It scared the crap out of me. Now I was up and got ready to leave.

It was really cold out, like 16 degrees. I forgot to wear a scarf but I had gloves and a heavy jacket so I was warm. I went to Starbucks and had a new latte, forgetting that it was made with milk. I wrote in my journal for about an hour or so and then realized I had to go to Harvard to get my Neil Gaiman book. I left for Harvard and got my book. Walking to the bookstore was not ideal as we had a big storm yesterday. I was careful though. I then made my way to my psych’s office. The trains were out of whack because of the weather so I made it with a half hour to spare. I should have went to my PCP’s office while waiting to get my script but I didn’t remember until it was time for my appointment. My doc was running late.

We had a good appointment. I made my pumpkin cake and brought her a piece. I asked her if I needed to be in the hospital and she said the decision was up to me. She didn’t feel I had to be in the hospital right away but she uses my judgement to gauge whether I need to or not. I told her I would think about it over the weekend and let her know Monday. There is supposed to be more snow on Monday so I need to act fast if I go in. I don’t know when it’s going to start so I need to leave early in the morning if I go in or I could be stuck and have to wait till Tuesday. She asked about my therapy plans and I told her after my hospitalization, I would make calls. I told her I already emailed the therapist that my friend gave me, but haven’t heard back from her yet. She might not be in the office till Monday so I will give her until then before I call.

I went to my PCP’s office to pick up my script and went home. About the end of the block, my ankle explodes. Then I reach my house and start feeling dizzy. I’m going through withdrawal from my pain meds because it’s been more than 12 hours since I last took them. I am also hungry because the last thing I ate was the pumpkin cake around 9 am. It was now around 3 pm. I went up to my room and almost fell while undressing to my PJs. I immediately took my pain meds while I was holding on for dear life in pieces. It was tricky but I was able to take the meds. Not even a half hour, I start to feel a little better but I am still fearful of the stairs so of course my bladder says it has to go. You can wait bladder. I wait a few more minutes then my bowels join in. WTF, seriously? The latte is hitting me and I know I have to go. So I carefully go down the stairs and make it without falling. I do my business and go back up to my room. You would have thought I walked the world, my ankle goes berserk on me. I am really hungry now but I don’t see myself going up and down stairs for the delivery guy. So I just eat a protein bar. I will order food if my ankle calms down. Or maybe just eat some more cake. I haven’t decided yet…