Category: chronic physical pain

Night on the town

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Night on the town

I went south of Boston to see my friends kid have their concert. It went pretty well for a bunch of students. I didn’t like the chorus part of it. It almost put me to sleep, they were singing so softly. The jazz was pretty good. It was good to see my adoptive nephew dancing along with the beats. I loved it.

The ride home was long. The bus ride longer because they were stopping at every mother loving stop. Quite unusual for this time of night. Usually it just sails right on through. Not tonight. I just wanted to get home and out of my brace. My leg was barking and of course, soon as I came out of it, my foot and ankle were. I just hope I am not up all night because I got to get up early to wake my niece for school. I will be watching her the next six days. Holy Moly. Her mother and father are going to Aruba for a wedding. They leave in a few hours.

I was able to communicate to my psychiatrist. I have to call her tomorrow morning and then see her Friday morning. She couldn’t make the afternoon time, which is fine for me because I got to be home for my niece. I am glad there is only three school days I have to get her up for. This weekend is Martin Luther King, Jr.’s Birthday so Monday is no school.

I wrote a lot in my journal about my therapist’s situation. I still can’t believe I went from twice a week to monthly. I think I really pushed her away. She didn’t even wait for me to get another therapist or anything. Just here are some names and work on it. See ya in a month. I am not going to work on anything. I googled the first name and she is a trauma therapist. She is a little ways up from where my therapist used to be on Mass Ave. I have no idea if she is taking new clients or suicidal ones at that. I just can’t bring myself to call when the fear of rejection is so damn high. Plus, having a suicidal date in the mix doesn’t exactly give me hope that it will work out anyways.

I don’t know what I expect my psychiatrist to do. She isn’t my therapist, per se. But I have a feeling I will be seeing her more than I am going to see my therapist. I am so tempted to cancel my therapist’s appointment and just say fuck you, see you later to her. But I can’t bring myself to. Besides, she will probably think I am joking and not cancel the appointment. She is so frustrating and dense. Even when you are serious, she thinks you are joking.

I don’t get why I didn’t have a say in the monthly business. She just made the decision and now I am supposed to play along? What the hell is that? She says it’s so she “doesn’t go back to her old habits”. I don’t fucking get it. How is meeting once a month going to help me? We spent more time playing catch up during our phone call yesterday than we did actual therapy so how is that going to fucking work? I am so hurt right now it’s not funny. I just don’t even want to deal with her right now, at all. I thought we were going to end, not meet on a monthly basis. It would be fine if it was maintenance therapy or something but it’s not. I can’t help but think I scared her away and now I have no therapist because I am a hopeless case. Took four years but I’m finally there. Least I found out now rather than later. Now I just need to end this pathetic existence.

Protected: to be or not to be, that is the question

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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Pain Filled Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain filled Monday

I woke up in some serious pain this morning. I took my regular pain meds and waited to nod off back to sleep. As I was lying down, my pain intensified. It was the barbed wire type pain only responds to the strong pain pill. It was around 0800 in the morning and already my day was turning to hell. I reluctantly took the pill because what choice did I have. It was either be in pain all day or not. I chose not. Needless to say, I didn’t leave the house. It was freezing out anyways.

I woke up and was hungry. I had a protein bar because I didn’t feel like making something to eat. Least not yet anyways. A few hours later I was really hungry and seeing as I was in pain and didn’t give a fuck (my normal pain had returned, lucky me), I made a deep dish pizza. I also had some Oreos but I limited myself to four.

Last night I decided to email my psychiatrist the letter I wrote her last week. She responded and thanked me for sharing it. I don’t know what is going to happen on my appointment come this Friday. I am really nervous about it. I don’t know what she is going to say when I meet her in person.

I had to cancel my car reservation to see my therapist on Wed because my mother’s phone is down and the technician can only come out during the time I would have to leave Boston. Seeing as I only have a working phone right now, if they call and need access to our line, I will have to let them in because my mother can’t hear the doorbell nor could I call her to let her know the tech is there. Oh well, I will just have to have a phone session. I will reschedule once I have a better idea on where our relationship is going anyways.

I can’t believe my ankle has been bothering me for almost a full 24 hours. Soon as my pain meds wear off, it starts up again. It’s driving me nuts. I just took more pills. I take my night meds in about an hour, might be sooner than that because I want to go to bed soon. I swear if I wake up in pain tomorrow morning, I am going to call my doc and be placed on a different medication. I just can’t live like this anymore, I really can’t. I’m doing my best not to attempt suicide but this pain is really testing my limits and patience.

I got the first sale of my book today. My little cousin bought a signed copy and I received the money today. She sent me a sweet little note with it. I need to go to the post office tomorrow to mail out the books. I also need to get more mailers. I like the ones the post office have because they’re more sturdy than the ones at Walgreens.

agitated, hot, and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, hot, and irritable

It’s 11 degrees out but it’s like 90 in my room. I have turned down the heat some but the radiator still kicks on because it is so cold out. I tried opening my window but it wouldn’t budge. I will have to see if my brother in law can open it as he shut it last when he took my AC out of it. I just need some cold air because I am frying like an egg. I hate being hot. It makes me irritable!

I was talking with a friend tonight because I was having some mental difficulties. She couldn’t help because she didn’t know how. I rather her say that than say stupid things. It just annoys me. I got really agitated because the voices were loud and I couldn’t quiet them down. My pain is through the roof, which isn’t helping matters. Trying to get the window open did it no favors either.

Am I really that difficult for people to get what I am saying and try to help me? Even my therapist doesn’t know how to help me anymore, and she has had professional training. I just don’t get it. It makes me annoyed and also makes me feel hopeless. I think the only person that really gets me is my psychiatrist. She gets the pain that I am in and the depression and psychosis. She understands me. So why can’t other people??

I think I am going to send the letter I wrote to my psychiatrist to her. See what she thinks. I know I will be walking a fine line because the letter is very suicidal. She doesn’t know that I have made out my will. Actually, no one knows except the blog world now. I think I wrote it before I wrote my psychiatrist that letter. I see her on Friday so I think she knows that I won’t be doing anything between now and then without talking to her about it first. She has a lot of trust in me and I would be an idiot to try something and lose that trust.

Thing is, if I send the letter, she will know my suicide date and that might be a problem for me. I still am thinking about going through with my plans. I know that I might lose her trust but if I am dead, that won’t matter much to me. If I don’t succeed, then there is a huge problem. I will be screwed if I live. That’s why I got to make sure that what I take, will indeed kill me.

Wow, for the first time all day, my ankle and foot are not hurting. I guess all the meds I took have finally worked. Maybe now I can finally catch some zzz’s. I just hope I sleep through the night and not wake up every few hours. That will just suck a lot. I got things to do tomorrow so I can’t be sleeping all day. I sent my friend a pic of my foot while it was flaring. She said it was huge. I said yea and when it really hits the highs, all my veins pop out, which it did a few minutes after I sent the pic. I knew it was going to be aggravating night for sleep once that happened.

Well, if I am going to send that letter, I might as well do it now because I am falling asleep. Later guys and gals.