Category: chronic physical pain

Jumping around (a book) and other thoughts

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Jumping around (a book) and other thoughts

So my last blog I wrote about how I bought a book about the standard legal and ethical care of the suicidal patient. In the appendix it listed an “Anti-suicide” contract. I was curious about this as I was hoping it had nothing to do with a “no harm” contract. I was correct. It was similar to the “commitment to living” contract that I wrote about here. But the funny thing and I don’t mean the HAHA funny, is that it lists the lethal dose of common drugs in this book. I won’t go into specifics about these tables, but for an anti-suicide book, I find it odd. I have never seen a table like this listed in a preventative book before.

The book is the second edition, not the first like what I thought I ordered. The original book was printed in 1991. The second edition, 2002. I didn’t know this. I have heard of the author before. He is in another book about the legal and ethical treatment of suicidal patients. That book is co-edited with a bunch of other suicidologists. I had bought both books because it was referenced with an article I was reading and I wanted to read the reference. Trouble is, I forgot the article and the reference. I didn’t make note and so now I have these books but I don’t know why I have them. They will be read in the course of the year. I am doing a reading challenge on GoodReads.com. It will come in handy because I don’t have 20 books to read this year. I have about 15, which leaves me 5 short. I have read 6 books so far this year for this challenge. I had put Dostoevsky’s Brothers Karamazov on it but I think I am going to remove it. It’s much too long to read and I have like 6 books on Kindle I downloaded that I want to read. Four of these book are Lawrence Block books. I had started one book but I read “Common Struggle” today and I am wiped out for reading. I still have Harry Potter to read. I don’t know when I will get around to reading that book.

I had pizza for supper. My mother made it and it was good but my stomach didn’t like it. I think I ate too much as I haven’t been eating good the past three weeks or so. I think I am going to have to have some Alka-Seltzer to settle my stomach. Tomorrow I will buy the generic version of Mylanta. The PPI that I have been using for my reflux just hasn’t been cutting it for indigestion.

I had to bust out laughing when I saw the weather report for Friday. We are supposed to get 0.1 inch of snow. That is nothing! Why even bother reporting it??!! And they are calling it a fucking storm! Are you serious?? The weathermen have nothing better to do these days then to call snow that is 0.1 inch a storm. RIDICULOUS!

For the past half hour, my leg/ankle/foot has been having a weird pain. It’s starting from my calf muscle and is wrapping its way around my leg to down my ankle and foot. I have never felt this before and it’s not my usual pain that I have. My toes are singing to me. That is my usual pain. But that is also because I got zaps in my toes a little while ago before this weird pain started.

My father is still mad at me. He is paranoid. He thinks my sister and I are conspiring to kill him. I had the “pleasant” task of talking to his doctor’s staff today about his refusal to take his medication. Apparently, he told my father he doesn’t want him taking it. Well, don’t you think I should know that?? I am so pissed. Here I am telling the guy to take his meds or bad things will happen and the doc told him not to. I am livid. As the “keeper” of this medication, I should have been told this information. And getting him back on this medication is going to be a hassle. I am not going to be the one to tell my father this because I am “trying to kill him”. He better be put on some other blood thinner. Or I will have him go back to his cardiologist and have him explain to him that he needs to be on it. I am done with coordinating with a PCP that has no regard for the family members who deal with my father’s medication and then leave out pertinent information regarding it.

In other news, there was a “trespasser” on one of the commuter rail lines today and he/she got hit by a train. This is the second person to get hit and now they are closing the station temporarily. I seriously doubt they will say it is a suicide attempt or not. The T doesn’t report “jumpers”. But I am wondering if someone was crossing the tracks and they got hit by the train because it was easier than going around the world to get to the other side. I have seen that happen before. No one got hurt but it is still risky.

My Turn at the Docs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My Turn at the Docs

I went back to see the NP because of the dizziness. She couldn’t find anything blatantly wrong so ordered some blood work. I am not sure if the tests are going to be loaded into the system where I can see them because they have a different medical record system now. As of this time, the labs aren’t in there but that doesn’t mean the lab hasn’t processed them. She kept on saying that it could be stress that is causing this. I told her between not sleeping and eating, I am so drained. She wants me to eat more regularly. I didn’t say anything because it’s wicked hard to eat when you don’t feel hungry. Even today while I was out, I kept on going from hungry to not hungry. It’s like my body couldn’t make up its mind. I did end up eating something and felt better afterwards, but still. If I just went home, I probably would not have eaten a thing until supper. She is checking my TSH (thyroid) for problems. I’ll be very curious to see what my sugar level was seeing as I haven’t eaten anything in the last 13 hours before my blood was drawn.

I felt okay after I had something to eat. I got a little headache but that could be because it’s bright out and I don’t do well on bright sunny days. I also have been up since 0300. I was going to listen to the first exhibition game of the season but I think I am just going to nap after I write this. I will catch the second game at 1600, hopefully.

I texted my therapist the blog I wrote about needing therapy. Hopefully we’ll discuss tomorrow. I am only seeing her once this week. I had to cancel Wednesday’s appointment because I scheduled my father’s doc appointment and not sure when I will be done with him. If we meet Thursday, that would be great, but I doubt it.

My laptop is sounding like an airplane. I think the cooling fan is going. Great. Another expense that I need to take care of. It made the sound before so I am used to it. It’s not a high pitched whine that drives me crazy. I have a friend that is good with computers so I will let him fix it this time than sending it off to Dell.

I had my first mocha of the season and wish I didn’t. It gave me the runs. It’s the first time I had dairy in two months. I had been drinking soy lattes. Thought I could trust mixing things up. Least I am home and not out and about. I will know for next time to order a soy Mocha, though I don’t think it’s going to taste the same.

My vitamin D came today. I ran out. I am deficient so need to take it every day. I find that it helps a little bit with mood, not a 100% but maybe 25%. It’s better than nothing. I should have asked to get a level while I was getting my blood drawn.

Dizziness Returns

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Dizziness Returns

I went to my father’s because the VNA service was coming over and I knew they would be asking all kinds of questions about his meds. Damn idiots at the hospital had about ½ his medication listed so now they need to call his PCP’s office to verify he is on all this medication. Really?? The bottles themselves don’t prove he is taking it and I am the one that dishes out his meds every damn week and you don’t think I know what my father takes?? I am so irritated. So another nurse will be coming by tomorrow to make the necessary phone calls and shit as today is Sunday and his PCP’s office just has an answering machine. The on-call doc is not going to know my father and will just say call tomorrow anyways. Useless!

While I was there, my ears starting feeling funny and then I started to feel like I did last week with the dizziness. It’s been several hours now and I can’t make the feeling go away. Every time I walk or go up the stairs, I feel worse. I hope my heart is ok and it’s just an ear thing but I feel like I am going to pass out, which isn’t a true sign of vertigo. I took my BP when I came home and it was normal. My monitor is supposed to pick up abnormal heart rhythms and it didn’t detect anything. Now in addition to calling to make appointments for my father, I have to call my doctor’s office and make an appointment for myself because this shit sucks. It can’t be because of low blood sugar because I had two meals today. I had breakfast and then ate over my father’s. I am glad that he ate because he hasn’t been eating too good the past week. I take after him in regards to eating one meal a day. I am full with lunch as I had too much of the rotisserie chicken.

The dizziness is less severe than it was on Wednesday last week. But feeling like passing out is the same. I have been trying to drink more but I don’t always think of it. I just hope they don’t want me to go to the ER for fluids or something. I hate IVs. I no longer think it’s withdrawal from my meds because I have been taking them, though I skipped the baclofen last night. It could all be because I haven’t been sleeping. I fell asleep last night around 1800 and then woke up at midnight. I didn’t go back to sleep until 0500 or so. When I woke up later this morning around 0900, I had a wicked headache and was foggy. I took some Excedrin and made coffee as well as breakfast. I finally had my black bean burger I have been craving. I like the ones I have though they are really spicy. I drank almost a full glass of iced tea with it before I had my coffee.

This whole thing is giving me anxiety with chest heaviness that I hate. And today started off as a great day because my favorite author, Lawrence Block, commented on my blog this morning. I couldn’t believe it and had to read the comment a few times to know that it was him! I was so excited to receive the comment I was texting and emailing all I knew about it. I have been reading his work for the past 25 years and just got his latest work about writing a book from start to finish as well as his new novella. I haven’t started either book yet as I am reading his older book “After the First Death”. I just hungrily love his writing and scoop up his books whenever I can.

I am hoping this week will be calmer so I can do some writing. But it all depends on my sleep and the doc appointments for myself and my father. I also hope that with the return of my appetite, the rest of the physical symptoms of depression will go away. I want the feeling of being tired all the time away as well, but I think that has more to do with my chronic pain than depression. I know that it gets worse when the depression is at its worse. It’s like walking through mud uphill. I don’t want to do anything or go anywhere. Just getting dressed is a battle or showering. I was going to take a shower today but with the dizziness, I don’t think I will. I can’t risk passing out. I can be dirty one more day.

Why Do I Need Therapy?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychology, suicide

Why do I Need Therapy?

I woke up from oblivion and asked myself, why do I need therapy? I think I am doing it more out of obligation than for help. Sure, it’s nice to talk to someone every week. I just don’t know if I should continue or not. I know that I will feel a certain kind of loneliness without therapy. I have been doing this for fifteen years now. I still wonder if me paying her to talk is worth it. I feel really worthless and guilty for some reason. My head is foggy from the medication and I need to take my psych meds before I go loopy again. Withdrawal from oxcarbazepine is not pleasant as I found out on Wednesday.

Sure, therapy has helped me with things and stuff but do I need it? Can I stop therapy and be okay. I have my blog to write my feelings down and vent. Course, it is not the same as venting to someone on the phone or in person. Lately, we have been trying to work on self-care. I have never done that before. I have taken “mental health” days off work, more than I should have. I just couldn’t handle it and my therapist kept pushing me to take some time off of work. But then I was working 50-60 hours a week. I miss being well enough to work that many hours. In the end I was working either 20-32 hours and I was a 40 hour employee. I had to use my earned time to get 40 hours. Within weeks, my bank of time ran out and so did my job. I was deemed disabled and unable to do my job by some committee that I have no idea who was involved in. And I certainly wasn’t invited to share my experience with these people. But there went my job that I have been working in for 14 years. My psychiatrist thinks that there is no way I can work a job anymore with my back situation. That was kind of reassuring for me. And my therapist thinks the same way..

I know mentally I have been up and down and all around. My therapist knew that I was going to oblivion tonight and though she was concerned, didn’t really try to stop me. She didn’t like what I was doing, but she knew I needed an escape. I slept really hard, a good seven hours straight. Now I am foggy as hell and kind of hungry. I don’t know if I should have the yummy red velvet pop tarts or Oreo’s thin golden cookies. I am a sucker for sugar cookies.

I knew my oblivion was not going to be permanent and my therapist knew that. I have texted her what I was doing all weekend. I deleted the messages on my phone in case I really didn’t wake up or tried to go to the bathroom and fell down the stairs. That was my only fear. The password on my phone is easy. It’s my niece’s birthday and my sister knows this. She knows because I told her when my niece wanted to use my phone for games. Unfortunately, I have had to delete the games because my phone is out of fucking memory. I have 16 GB and it’s all used up. I had to also delete the FB app because it was taking up a good chunk of memory. I use my web browser on my phone to check FB now.

I feel like I am obligated to be in therapy because I owe my therapist money. Though, if you think about it, the more I see her, the more I have to pay. Thing is, I don’t think I am being “analyzed” when we talk. I know things are harder on the phone than in person. I get that. But shouldn’t my words be scrutinized? I am just thinking out loud here, throwing my thoughts on this computer screen. Sure, we talked about Hyde and the dealings he is making and we talk about my suicidality but really don’t have a plan. We just go by my word that I won’t kill myself. I am not saying I need a new therapist. I am just wondering if I truly need to talk to someone every week.

I am not saying that I am stable enough to be without therapy. I just wonder if I am just wasting her time and my own by talking. She gets that I have been injured by father’s narcissism and we try to work through that, course it goes in one ear and out the other sometimes. I just can’t retain what she says because it hits me a certain way and I can’t deal with it at that moment. I do a lot of self-reflection after therapy so I write down what we talked about and such. I had started to keep a notebook of what we talked about but this week I didn’t keep notes because of my damn narcissistic father. All we talked about was his medical needs and how stupid he is about understanding what is going on at times. Sometimes he gets things and sometimes he is out to lunch. I don’t understand why I have to tell her the details of my father’s dilemma. It just takes up so much of our time that we don’t talk about anything else.

I feel like the only reason I keep going is because I am obligated some how to talk to her. I don’t know why I feel like this. It’s like I have to humor her to stay in therapy. We talk more like we are friends than a professional relationship. I am not saying this is wrong or anything. Sometimes I like this and other times I feel like we are doing something wrong. Lately we have been talking about self-care, something we have never really talked about in the whole 15 years we have been talking. My taking the Neurontin was part of self-care because I really needed sleep and to zone out. It might have been in excess but the dose that I took I knew it wasn’t lethal. If I had taken say my trileptal at that dose, it might have been a different story.