Category: CRPS

Early morning post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I woke up around a half hour ago because my bladder said so. My teeth hurt so I took some ibuprofen. I also have nerve pain so I took some neurontin. Don’t think that was a good idea as I want to leave the house early but we’ll see.

Was having a weird dream. Someone in my house needed speech therapy and we all had to go through it. Who it was, I am not sure. I also had a pressing home that I had to leave the house to see my girlfriend. This was the second dream I dreamt that I had to go to New York to see her. Weird because I don’t have any friends in N.Y. 

An old friend from childhood sent me a PM on Facebook. I responded. Haven’t talked to him in years. 

It is going to be a hot one today. The house is already humid. Yuck. I really hate summer. I wish I could say that it will be over soon but I read somewhere that it will be hot until November. Great. No fall weather.

Don’t know what is going on with my ankle but it has been quiet, except for the nerve pain. I haven’t had physical pain since Wed. Hope that continues but I know it can change in a heartbeat. And I will be going out today so anything can happen. I just hope my pain levels are low enough so I can go on the cruise tomorrow.

Going to try to go back to sleep. Morpheus is calling me.

Can’t pass out due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

ER visit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, PTSD

So I went to the ER tonight because my psych was worried something more was happening when I told her I couldn’t move my toes. It gets like that when I’m in severe pain but it sets off PTSD symptoms. I was having an anxiety attack which is why I called her. Anyway, the ER found nothing wrong with me and didn’t do any tests. I said just send me home so I can take my pain meds. The attending forcibly moved my toes downward causing me excruciating pain. Then told me I could move them. I told her she could move them, not me. Jerk face. She discharged me with me to follow up with my GP  I sent my psych and GP an email telling them the ER did nothing for me as I was “normal”. I am beyond exhausted and in more pain than I was when I walk in. Hope I sleep tonight. The novacaine wore off so now my teeth hurt. Just been a really long day.

Nothing like your ankle crapping out on you

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Today is officially the worst day ever. I’ve been in pain since 5 am. I woke up with cramps in my foot. On and off, the pain has been fluctuating bad to worse and worse to really worse. Around 2000, I could take my night meds. It was too early for my pain meds, but least I could give them a chance to work while waiting. I was walking to the nurses station with my flavored water when my ankle said, fuck you. I was stuck. I needed one of the nurses to help me. The pain was intense. I couldn’t bear weight on it anymore. 

I asked the nurse to get my AFO for me to walk to get my meds. I really became suicidal. I just didn’t want to exist anymore. I was so tired of being in pain all day. I met with my contact person and told him I was planning. It’s the only thing that helps me get through these bouts. It’s my coping mechanism. Might not be the best but oh,well. I really wish the nurses could take your meds to your room like a medical floor. I’m always at the end of the hall. Fucking sucks.

I’m sending jokes to another patient via text. Just something to do until meds kick in. I have a movie I kind of want to watch. Will Farrell and Mark Wahlberg star in it. I’m not a fan of Farrell. He annoys me. So I’m hesitant to watch it.

I hope to be discharged tomorrow. I want my meds at my bedside where I don’t have to walk or use a bloody computer system to give me my meds. I have been keeping a spreadsheet of what time I take my meds and how many pills I take. Just to keep track. Usually I use an app but the app doesn’t list the doses taken in a day. I find it’s helping me be more conscious of the number of pills I take in a day. The app doesn’t tell me that information.

One of my friends pissed me off today. She tends to act like a mother hen and today was not the day. I told her I was possibly getting discharged tomorrow and she asked me the same questions everyone has today, Are you ready and are you safe. I blew up and told her she wasn’t my therapist and I wasn’t going to answer. She then says I’m bitchy. Whatever I replied. Then she said I hurt her. She does this every time I stick up for myself. Screw her.I’m tired of her shit.

Ankle and foot is acting up. I hope I get some sleep tonight. Or it’s going to suck tomorrow.