Category: CRPS

Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 18 November 2017

I had a busy day. I woke up early, no thanks to my fricken cousin who wanted to return something to my mother. He woke her up for her to go downstairs and let him in. I was wondering what I was going to do today. I decided that I needed to change my sheets. I wanted to put on a hospital blanket because sometimes the comforter is too warm as my room gets really hot now that my mother turns the heat up. It needed to be washed so I cleared off the washer and put it in. Then I made breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes. They were good.

My next adventure was to go to the square to get some gluten free flour and some eggs as we were running low. The flour was expensive. For a small bag, it was like $4.59 and I don’t think it was even a pound of flour. I hope my sister’s mother in law likes this cake I will be making for her. She is always picky because she has celiac disease, which I understand but she is such a bitch about it. My mother makes desserts that she can’t have so I wanted to make something for her that she can have. She can take it home with her, if she likes it, as I won’t eat two cakes. I am making a regular one as well. I plan on making the gluten free one first and then use the regular flour. This way I only have to wash the mixing bowl once.

After I got my two things, I went to the bus stop and missed it by like 5 minutes. The next one wasn’t for another fricken hour. I caught the bus to the Hill and waited for the bus home there. My ankle was hurting so I didn’t want to wait at a bus stop.

I came home and rested for a little while before clearing off my bed. My mother had folded the blanket so I brought it upstairs. Once my bed was clear of my “office”, I took the bedding off. Then I wrestled with the clean sheets on my bed. My back was killing me and my ankle was being a fuck. I wanted a shower but knew my ankle would divorce me if I took it then. I was so wiped out that I took a nap. My mother called me around 1430 but I didn’t pick up as I was so damn tired. She wasn’t feeling well as her sugar dropped. She had taken some pain meds for her back and it made her sick. Poor thing has been puking everything she eats. Her sugar has stayed low. I’ll check on her throughout the night.

After I woke up, I decided to take a shower. I was sweating as my room got hot and I was really warm under the blankets. I have the window open but no cold air was coming through. After I finished my shower, my brother in law came up to look at my ceiling fan as it has been making noise. He said the motor is going, which I suspected. I have been using it so much this year. Now I need to get a new one. I shopped online for one to get an idea on the price. He told me which kind to get. He said it would be $40. HA. NOT! I wanted one with a remote. Home Depot didn’t have any that came with one within my price range so I checked Lowes. I found a nice one for $123. A little bit out of my range but it looks really nice and comes with a light dome. I didn’t want one like the one I had which was 4 light bulbs. I have a small room and just use 2 bulbs that are energy efficient. I am going to check Amazon to see if they have the fan I want at Lowes. Maybe I can get a cheaper price. My bro in law said he will install it for me. I just hope it is sooner rather than later. He takes his time doing things and I really can’t be without a ceiling fan. I cannot tolerate heat at all. I rather be cold.

I had to cut my budget expenses to pay for this fan. I won’t be eating out at all this month and because my next check comes after Christmas, I won’t be able to get anyone any gifts. I feel bad about this. Every year is the same. Last year I was able to get gifts for my sisters and their kids, and my bro in law and mother. This year it won’t be happening. I still need to repair my screen that I broke, but that won’t be until next pay period. I don’t think it will be that expensive. I just hope they can go by the frame as that is still intact. Otherwise, my brother in law will have to measure for a new one.

Pain continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders

I have been sleeping on and off all day. Pain has continued. My ankle hurts so bad. I just want to scream. 

Had a series of bad dreams, each one worse than the other. I don’t want to be anymore. I honestly can’t see myself in this much pain much longer.

I have therapy tomorrow. I really don’t want to go. But it is too late now to cancel. I didn’t get any baking done. I did fill my pill boxes up for the week. Now I can try and sleep until I have to take them.

Foot Pain, Ankle Pain, Psychache, when will it end?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I feel asleep around 2100 only yo wake up 3.5 hours later. I had to use the bathroom. While I was there, I figured I might as well brush my teeth. My foot started hurting so I rushed.

I went back to my room and couldn’t settle down. It’s starting to be a never ending story of pain. Now my heart is breaking and I don’t know why. I should feel better now that I know my mother knows I am a man. I thought that would take away some of the depression but it hasn’t. I still feel hopeless.

I wrote a tweet and someone flagged it on FB. I got a message asking if I needed help or someone to talk to. The report is anonymous so I have no idea who reported me. I’m just glad no cops showed up at my door. 

I’m so tired of this crap. I’m sick of being in pain all the time. I wanted to make cookies and instead, I slept all day. I might do it later today. I love the cookies.  My niece wants me to frost them so I might so that. I think they taste better without the frosting. But, I can only make the cookies if my pain is down and it shows no sign of that happening. 

I never bought the zucchini. Maybe I will Monday when I am out. I really want to make the zucchini bread. I really like it and it is easy to make. One of my friends posted a recipe for dark chocolate molasses cookies but you need brown rice flour. I’m not sure where I can find that. I also need to buy molasses. Maybe the next time I am in the Square, I’ll look in the grocery store there. They have some organic stuff and might carry the rice flour.

I don’t know why I feel so much psychache. I guess it may be due to my friend not really loving me like she says she does. I’ve known this for a while now. I’ll go for days without hearing from her and then she will be in some crisis or another, needing to talk to me, usually late at night when I want to sleep. It just annoys me that the only time I hear from her is when she is feeling bad, like I don’t exist until she feels she needs me. I just learned to distance myself from her.

I had texted my therapist about the news about telling my mother that I am transgender. He responded. He is glad I did so. I also texted my former therapist and she never did. I don’t think she will. I emailed my psych and she didn’t respond either. I see her this coming Friday so I’m sure we will talk then. I should be feeling elated that my mother knows but I still feel like shit. I think the pain of my ankle/Foot is just bringing me down so much that I can’t feel anything else but misery. 

Not sure if I mentioned it but I have decided that Oct 10th I’ll be changing my name, legally. It will cost me around $200. I’m going to make sure I get enough extra paperwork so I don’t have to go back to the courthouse. I’m not sure how many I will need to change my name on various things. I’m excited and scared about taking this step in my transition. But none of that will matter if my pain causes me to end my life. 

It is a constant battle trying to keep myself here. It is a roller coaster of emotion all the time, from feeling deep despair and suicidal one minute to feeling ok the next. I know one day I will end my life. I just don’t know when that will be, sooner or later.

Am I weak?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

I called UNCLE. I was slowly drifting off to la la land and then the unknown entity in the form of a knife started stabbing the middle of my foot. I am filled with such despair right now, I’m beside myself.

I just want to die but I can’t leave my room because I can’t bear weight on my damn foot. I’ve been trying to distract most of the night but I am angry. Angry the meds work on certain pains I get in my foot and ankle, angry my PCP doesn’t meet with me frequently enough to see what I am going through, angry that I am forced to use mobility aids around the house to try and lessen my pain. Angry that my friends in real life don’t get what I am going through. My sister came up to visit and she wanted me to go downstairs to see her. I told her I was in too much pain. There was silence. I felt like I could hear her thoughts saying yeah right, like I would stay in my room to avoid her. 

The past few days have been awful pain wise. I’ve been trying my best to stay on top of it but it’s hard when the pain keeps changing and now it is affecting my bones. I get severe bone pain in my foot and ankle, specifically, the malleolus and metatarsals. But only half of my foot and ankle hurt. The last three toes going up to my ankle and outer foot/ankle hurt really bad. It is draining me. I can’t tolerate the pain. I want to die.

I’ve been thinking about my therapist that I’ve been seeing the last few months. I’m going to be straight with him and see if he is willing to help me or just play with his nails. I need encouragement if I’m to continue living. I haven’t gotten that from him at all. I miss my ex-therapist. She always provided encouragement and support. 

I see my psychiatrist Friday. She has been on vacation the past few weeks, but I’ve been emailing her about what has been happening in her absence. I’ve come up with a suicidal plan. I think I emailed it to her, I’m not sure. If I did, She didn’t respond. Im sure we’ll talk about it when i see her. If my therapist doesn’t want to help me with my problems, I’m going to stop seeing him. I mean, what would be the point? Ramble for 45 minutes every week with no feedback or analysis of what I am talking about? I’ll have better luck talking to a wall.

Chronic pain has got to settle down. It is killing me and will kill me. Even though I’m on pain meds, and they do work, however my pain is so intense and unpredictable that I never know when I need to take a pill to control it. I can’t say, ok at 7 pm the pain is going to be this so I’ll take this pill at 6 pm so I’m not hurting. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe in a perfect world.

I’ve been fighting sleep since 2130. Every time I get relaxed enough to drift off, my pain increases or I feel like my foot is on fire. Then I need to take another med to calm the flames. Trouble is, this med takes hours to work so in the meantime, I’m hurting and going berserk with pain.

Why is it when I talk about killing myself, people just don’t want me to die? I understand but if I was an animal, I would have been euthanized by now. Why can’t humans be euthanized? I know in certain countries you can be via assisted suicide. But I don’t have the money needed to fly there and pay for services just to die in a foreign land. I am so sad I no longer can work or walk anymore. Being in pain sucks. I do have the suicide disease. My dream come true. Now I just need a concrete plan to go ahead with it.