trying to do chores with CRPS

Trying to do chores with CRPS

I somehow slept through the night, once I went to sleep around or after 0100. I woke up 1 minute before my med alarm went off. I quickly cleared it before it went off and took my meds. Today is the start of increasing the new med, Vimpat, twice a day. I am now at 100 mg/day. I was feeling okay, pain wise. I stayed in bed and I think went back to sleep. My sister texted me saying my mother didn’t want to go to the ER to get checked out. I told her to threaten to call an ambulance but she didn’t. My sis wanted the number for the visiting nurse. I told her I would text it to her, which forced me out of bed. I went downstairs. I brushed my teeth and then got the number for my sister. My mother was on the phone and she sounded horrible. Her voice is shot to hell. Her cough is worse and her breathing is heavy, more than usual. I really think she should see her doctor so she can get on an inhaler to help her breath better and maybe some antibiotics to prevent pneumonia. She has emphysema and I think the virus is making her breathing so much worse. I will be home and I hope my mother doesn’t cancel when the nurse calls tomorrow. I will be very upset. I told her it is important to have her come to check her lungs out because she could have walking pneumonia.

I then made breakfast, my go to, egg McMuffin. Then I made coffee and think that is what caused my ankle to go berserk. My mother wanted tea and because she is deaf, I had to keep walking back and forth from the kitchen to the living room multiple times. I asked her if she wanted me to make a sauce as there was none. She said there was some in the fridge. There wasn’t. I found a container in the freezer so took it out. She made a list of things she wanted at the grocery store. I went through the paper and found some things I wanted. I put the list on my phone so I knew what to get. I will go later this week when my food stamps money comes in. My mother wanted my brother in law to take me but I don’t have the money right now.

I went upstairs after finishing my coffee. My mother wanted me to water the plants so I did that before I went upstairs. My ankle didn’t like this extra effort. By the time I got to my room, it was hurting and my foot was telling me to fuck off. I took my pain meds. I wanted lentil soup so asked my brother in law to get some before he came home. He said the grocery store parking lot was full and couldn’t find a spot. I told him it was okay. I would get some later in the week. I haven’t had lentil soup in a long time. It was about noon and I had to make supper around 4ish for my mother. It was going to be difficult so I just rested. I read some of the baseball history book. I timed myself. After about 50 minutes, I couldn’t read anymore and I couldn’t finish the chapter. I stopped where there was a gap. I goofed off on social media, going between facebook and twitter. I decided that any facebook post older than 3 days I would “hide”. It helped to get more recent posts. Around 4 I went downstairs to make the spaghetti and heat up the sauce.

My mother was not feeling good at all. I wanted her to shower but she felt too weak. I told my sister and she understood. After we ate, I took down the garbage and recycling. I finally got rid of the Christmas ham that was in the fridge and a few other things that were there for god knows how long. I also emptied the bathroom trash. My ankle was getting upset again. I went upstairs and relaxed for a bit. I had to do the day’s dishes. I got the brilliant idea of showering and then doing the dishes. I don’t know what the fuck I was thinking. Between my back and my ankle/foot, I was in rough shape. I was so mad at myself for thinking I could do all these things. I probably am not going to be able to do shit tomorrow. I have no idea if I will be able to sleep tonight. My pain is a 9 right now. I took my meds a little while ago and my right calf cramped up on me. I stretched it out by putting it on my bed and slightly leaning forward. I had trouble getting it off my bed. Then I decided to do the same to my left leg and last only a few seconds. My ankle was not having it.

I limped to bed and fixed my body pillow as it was bunching up near the headboard and trying to get on my nightstand. It is starting to annoy me so I am not sure how much longer it will stay on my bed. It is shaped like a U so one arm is dividing my bed into my sleep and office area. Problem is, I don’t have enough space like I used to and I feel kind of crowded.

So between making breakfast, coffee, watering the plants, making supper, emptying the trash and recycle, showering, and doing dishes, I am spent. I hope my mother feels better soon because I can’t continue to make supper and do dishes every night. I just can’t, it hurts too much. If I didn’t have chronic pain, it wouldn’t be a problem. But I am struggling just to make do to help my sick mother.

Emotional rollercoaster Sunday

well, let me tell you a little about my day. I wake up and text my bro in law who has promised to replace my ceiling fan for going on 3 weeks now. He says he can’t (after telling me he could last night) because he has to decorate his tree and then do snow removal. Okay. Another weekend of having a potential fire hazard but who am I to judge. I am mad because I go to his apartment for some English muffins as ours I had to throw away because of mold, and he is sitting on his rump, tree isn’t decorated and the snow isn’t removed. I was fumed.

I then watch a goofy sentimental video on twitter that brings dust to my eyes. I am overcome in emotion. I then decide to use the old laptop for some computer work. I plug in the stupid cord, foot goes berserk. I had enough and it’s only 3 o’clock. Now I am really crying as I know there is no controlling this pain like it has been going on the past 3 weeks or more. 😥

I went downstairs to have dinner before BPD chat. As I was walking toward the 1st fucking step, my damn foot explodes, again. I couldn’t bear weight. The cane was upstairs with my walking boot and my sister and her daughter’s were out. I started crying again. I sat on the stairs. My mother is telling me to sit on the couch and I yelled at her because I could walk the 5 steps to the couch. I just sat on the stairs, drinking the iced tea I made, wishing it was alcoholic. I was waiting for my phone to go off telling me it was time to take my pain meds, but I never set it. Took me more than a few minutes to collect myself and the pain to calm down enough for me to climb up the stairs.

Then I decided to join BPD chat. I was getting heated over someone who thought you can’t approach someone without training. Like what the fuck. I am not a professional but I always say I am available to talk to someone if they need an ear. I don’t have “training”, just compassion and empathy, which is all you really need. I was so fucking mad. 

Then I tried copying and pasting what I wrote on FB to a word doc and half of it goes through. So I’m now using my phone to write my blog as my new laptop sucks. Pain meds are kicking in and my damn mother has turned up the fucking heat again to heat stroke conditions. I turned on the fire hazard fan. Don’t fucking care anymore. I still need to fill my med box for the week. Dont know if it is worth standing for 15 mins or so. I’ll put tonight’s meds in a bottle and put it by the bed so I don’t have to get up again.

I’m emailing my psychiatrist and telling her I’m going to take 25 mg of Zoloft as my emotions are all over the fucking place. I have been really angry or just cry for no reason. I know there are reasons for it but since coming off the med, I cannot tolerate being so emotional all the fucking time. I have enough med to last me till June, I think, if my stomach can tolerate it. I’ll try to eat something with my meds to counteract the nausea but not sure that will work as it didn’t while I was in the hospital. 

I feel like yelling at my mother to turn down the fucking heat. I truly hate not being able to get around my own house, on my own two feet. It is making me really depressed. As I was sitting on the stairs, I was thinking maybe between my mother’s insurance and mine, we could get a stair climber thing. Only thing is, I’m not sure our walls are strong enough for the placement of the trolley. Plus our stairs aren’t straight down like you see in the commercial. It has a few curves.

One of my high school friends posted on Facebook about maple syrup. Think tomorrow I’ll make oatmeal pancakes. I love maple syrup but it is too expensive for me. Maybe my next grocery order I’ll splurge and get it. I did find out it can spoil so needs to be kept in the fridge. 

Really steamed 

I posted on Twitter that my mother was mad at me for not helping with the dishes or laundry today. Sorry, I didn’t sleep all night and I was in a lot of pain. I was used to her calling me useless. But what got me distressed was her calling me “daughter”. Someone I don’t know responded saying she was a mother and it wouldn’t hurt for me to help her. WTF. I responded that I was upset because I was a transgendered male and my mother knows this. Plus I have debilitating pain so stop judging me, asshole. I blocked her after I sent the message as she followed me. Loser. 

I hate it when someone I don’t know responds to my tweets. I have no idea how Twitter works and how people who don’t follow you, sees your tweets. What a jerk. I am so mad.

I keep thinking I have nothing to do on Monday but I have therapy.  I might cancel as Tuesday is going to be a long day. I still got to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my meds. I don’t think I can fill them but I’m going to try. 

I took my night meds early and I’m still awake. My damn foot is hurting so bad. Maybe I will see my doc. I’ll call on Monday for an appt. Maybe something more than CRPS is going on. Not sure what as I haven’t done anything to injure my foot. I need to email the Neuro and find out what he plans on doing, if anything. I am going to ask him about ketamine infusions. That might help me. Might help the depression more. 

My psych responded to the email I sent her. She said maybe my mother and I can support each other. I don’t know how. I did help her up the stairs to her room. The couch didn’t help her back last night. My sisters were talking about putting a bed downstairs for her, especially if she gets her other knee replaced in Jan. I am kind of nervous about it as it will be done at a small hospital. I just worry that between her heart and diabetes, there might be unforeseen complications and the hosp might not be able to deal with it.

I am glad I have this blog to vent my worries and frustrations. Writing really helps.

Ramblings 320

I was in a lot of pain after dinner. I took my night meds around 1900 and then read Twitter. One author I follow had retweeted an actor/comedian about his movie the Big Sick. He said it was free on Amazon Prime so I decided to watch it on my Kindle fire. It is really good. It took my mind off the pain for a couple of hours.

My foot started acting up once I started moving. I had to go to the bathroom and when I stood, OMG, it dos not like it one bit. My ankle and foot felt like it was fused. I couldn’t move them and if I tried, I was in mega pain. Going down the stairs was difficult. I did my business and then decided to taste test the stuffing my mother made. It wasn’t in the fridge. It was at the other end of the house, on our front porch. It was good. My foot didn’t like going around the house. Hated going back up the stairs even more. I took some pain meds and an Ativan. I am hoping to sleep soon.

I checked my bank account and it was off. I logged on and Zipcar had charged me $70. WTF. My first thought was someone hacked into my account. I went on the Zipcar site and learned it was the annual fee. Fuck. My therapist is not getting paid this month. I wish they had sent me a notification saying they were going to charge me so I could have budgeted it. Assholes. That really set me back. I will still have some money after everything is said and done but I hate skipping a bill because it is hard to play catch up. Next month I should be able to double it, provided no unexpected expenses come up.

I am really tired of being in pain all day. I wish I could stay in my room all day tomorrow but I got to do the family thing. I just hope i am not going up and down stairs all day because I’ll refuse. I don’t want to flare up if I don’t have to.

My mother was cold earlier so I had to turn up the heat, even though it was like 50 degrees out at the time. Now it is 38 and the heat kicked on. It is not cold in my room but it will be roasting soon.  I still have the window open and I think it stopped raining. I rather be cold than hot.

I am going to see if I can find another movie to watch that is free. If not I’ll call it a night and snooze, I hope. Hopefully the pain meds settle the pain a little so I can sleep. I still can’t believe I’ve been in pain from 0730 continuously till now which is 2300. That is nuts. It is just awful.