Category: mood disorders

Cry Pretty

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Cry Pretty

Carrie Underwood has a new song out called Cry Pretty and I fricken love it. It is spot on for those that struggle with the “mask” or façade of living, either with mental or chronic illness. I have been listening to it nearly non-stop since buying it. The video just came out last night on American Idol. She has such a tremendous voice. Better than the bitch Miranda Lambert. She blows her in the dust with her vocals alone!

My day has sucked. I woke up at 5 because I was cold. The temp dropped and the ceiling fan finally cooled my room a little too much. I couldn’t go back to sleep so I did some retail shopping online and then had something to eat. By then I was tired enough to sleep a few hours before I had to be up.

When my alarm went off, I didn’t want to get up. I stayed in bed for another 15 minutes or so and then took a shower. The shower just exhausted me. I really didn’t want to go to therapy or leave the house. I rested for a little bit and let my Bluetooth headset charge for a while. Then I got ready to leave. I totally forgot about the pumpkin cake to bring to my barbers and therapist. I will have to do that tomorrow. I also forgot to pack my pain meds so that wasn’t at all good.

While I was at Starbucks, my chickenshit PCP emailed me back saying he wanted the pain doc to prescribe me the new med. Rather than wait till the clinic called me, I called them and found out he isn’t here for the next two weeks and his next available isn’t until June. I said I had to see him sooner and what was going to do about my meds. She transferred me to the nurse but they didn’t pick up and they didn’t have a voicemail. I called back but was put on hold. I got pissed and hung up. Then I emailed my PCP again telling him this and what should I do. I didn’t hear back. I emailed my psych and she understood that I am frustrated but I need to wait as it was “the right thing for my PCP to be doing”. Whatever. I seriously doubt my PCP will EVER prescribe these meds to me now that I am being seen by the pain clinic. So I started crying in Starbucks because I was just so frustrated. Then I put on Pearl Jam and that made me feel better to rock out to their music. Pearl Jam always helps when I am frustrated.

I went to therapy and didn’t bawl as much as I thought I would. We talked and he could tell I was tired and frustrated. After therapy, I was starting to feel sick. Withdrawal from missing my pain med dose at noon was kicking around and I chose to wait for the bus. I waited nearly a half hour for the damn bus. I missed the bus at the Square home so had to catch another bus to take me to the other bus home. Then my bladder was telling me it had to be emptied. I swear I was getting hit from all sides. The bus was fricken late. I had to stop in Walgreens for my mother. Of course there was a line. I was not fucking happy. I was tempted to just leave and tell my mother I would pick it up tomorrow but I didn’t want to hear her.

I came home and I am ready to fricken pass out. My ankle is telling me to fuck off. I go up to my room and quickly take some pain meds. Then I change to my PJs and go back downstairs to use the bathroom, except my mother is in there. Fuck. I waited and then went to the bathroom. Too late. I waited too long. My boxers were fricken wet. I put them in the hamper and then went back upstairs to change into clean boxers. I like my black ones and couldn’t find one. I couldn’t find a damn one of the million I have. Like what the fuck?? I grabbed a gray one and then went to my room to lie down. Except I couldn’t because I was in so much fucking pain. My mother was making dinner. She called saying it was ready. I hadn’t had anything since the Danish at Starbucks so I was starving as well as in withdrawal. I felt really weak. I went back downstairs and told my mother if I pass out, I pass out (after telling her why, which she didn’t hear me because she never does so I had to tell her again).

I was more exhausted after I ate. I tried to nap but damn ankle/foot was not having it. I am so done with today. My suicidal planning has been in high gear today. I figure I could go to a hotel and be dead. Probably be better than the outdoors where a kid could find me. Thing that sucks is that I don’t think I can get my pension like I was hoping. That is my only snag. I am so pissed at this.

My mother told me my pedophile cousin is coming over the house tomorrow morning so I will be leaving and be out of the house for most of the day as I don’t want ANY interaction with him at all. Maybe it will give me the push I need to write some. Just hope my pain isn’t horrible that I can’t leave the house. Even if it is, I don’t fricken care. I can’t be in the same house as him. He makes me sick. And the protection he has from my family and others is pathetic.

A cup of tea with a little bit (ok a lot) of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

A cup of tea with a little bit (ok a lot) of pain

I was supposed to go see my aunt today with my sisters but I hardly got any sleep last night and my pain was off the scale when I got up. I have no idea if it rained but it was cloudy most of the day. The temps have cooled off and I wish I could open my window. I hope to get my screen tomorrow after therapy.

I haven’t been that hungry today. I had a turkey roll up with chipotle mayo. I liked it but my stomach didn’t. I had my cake and other than a couple pieces of cornbread with my tea, that has been it. I will try to have a bowl of cereal later.

My sister called me and was telling me about the family history. Then she told me my cousin, who is as much a Sox fan as I am, was upset that I haven’t texted him all season about the game. HAHA I texted him and gave him the update. He thought I watched the game, but I don’t. I usually listen on the radio or just follow the chatter on twitter. We talked for a bit. I miss seeing him. I wish I had a car and can see them whenever I wanted but I don’t.

Last night after I put on diclofenac gel on my foot and ankle to try and calm it down so I could sleep, I tried to install the drivers to my laptop. Something wonky happened and the laptop restarted. I just shut it off and went to sleep. I tried again before writing and was able to load them without calling support! That is the first time. I am glad I somewhat remembered how to do it on the POS. Think I am going to rename that laptop POS and call this one Milo. Only seems fitting.

I need to make some time for reading. I haven’t been able to finish a book since February. I am about halfway through 1984. I don’t remember the last time I picked it up. Think I will after I finish this blog. I can usually read a few chapters at a time. I just bought a book about chronic pain that a blog reader recommended. I want to finish 1984 so I could start it. I don’t know if I will get back into Neverwhere by Neil Gaiman. It is a weird book. I found out that his genre is fantasy fiction. Never even knew it had a name. I follow him on twitter. He is a good guy. I want to be a quarter of the writer he is, but with dealing with chronic pain, writing has been so hard. Some days I don’t want to write this blog but I force myself to. If I get at least 300 words written, I call it a success. Some days I can write a longer blog but I try to write at least 500 words a day. I don’t know why I have that goal in mind and it would kill me to accomplish it but some days my concentration just isn’t there. Maybe if my pain is better controlled and I can sit at Starbucks for a few hours, I can get some writing done. The POS will be good to take with me and I don’t have to have it connected to the internet. I will turn off the wifi so I am not distracted. My phone will be the other obstacle but one thing at a time. Going to Starbucks on days I don’t have appts will be huge. I don’t have any appointments this week other than with my therapist tomorrow. I do want to make the morning glory muffins again. Those were yummy. So balancing my time this week will be huge. I have the time to read. Just hope I can do it.

Saturday Blog 5 May 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 5-May-18

I woke up at six. I can’t remember why. Around 0630, my ankle started bothering me so I took my pain meds. I had wanted to get my screen today but I didn’t set my alarm when I fell back to sleep. I didn’t get up till noon and the place was closed. I took some more pain meds and then went downstairs. I took the Brie cheese out to make a wrap. Then I went back up to my room. I was hungry, forgot about the cheese, and ordered tacos. It was Cinco de Mayo after all. When the tacos came, I put the cheese back in the fridge.

After I ate, I decided to make Pumpkin cake. I haven’t had pumpkin in a long time. I never got to make it during the holidays because of pain. Now I have it for dessert tomorrow. I will bring some to my Aunt’s as my sisters and I are going to see her. We are going to have pizza. It should be fun but I am kind of dreading it because the last time I visited I cried. She has deteriorated so much. Definitely not the same person anymore. Sad that illness changes a person.

I had to file an infringement form on Amazon because there were sellers selling my book for more than what I listed my price as. I am not even sure it is my book they are selling or if they stole it and are marketing it for their own gain. I found out Amazon is letting third party sellers have the “buy” button but I don’t know what that means exactly. I found out that these sellers do not give the authors or their publishers money/royalties for the sales. I don’t know if that is what these other priced up sellers are doing. I just made some postcards for my 2nd book and I am wondering if I wasted my money. I was going to promote my book now it just seems pointless.

why do I bother??

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Why do I bother

I had a hard time sleeping due to pain. When it sort of settled down after I wrote my 3 am blog, I was hungry. I didn’t dare go downstairs to get something to eat for fear of flaring it up again. I finally fell asleep some time around 4 and woke up four hours later. I took my blood pressure pill and pain meds as my ankle was killing me. Then my alarm went off. I had time to shower. It was painful but I did it. It was still muggy in the house. Despite cooling off some, I was sweating by the time I went back up to my room.

I tried to cool off but there was no point. I didn’t have AC, just the ceiling fan blowing hot air. I got dressed and then left for the bus stop. It was cloudy and when I got to Starbucks, it had started to drizzle. I was hoping it would cool things off but it didn’t. When I was done at Starbucks, the sun was shining. I went to CVS to get my mother a card for Mother’s Day and some tape that she wants. I had already bought her a few things. The tape is kind of a gag gift.

I went into town and got new glasses. The guy said it would be three weeks for them to come in. Great. I am already struggling to read as it is. What is another three weeks. I was early for my pain doc appointment. I went to the lobby of the building and just wrote in my journal. I was nervous about my appointment. I went upstairs 15 minutes before. I was called in by the medical assistant to do vital signs. My blood pressure was a little high. Then a new fellow came in and I had to tell him my story again. He went to get the attending and it was a long time I had to wait. Finally they both came in and the attending said that he decided to put me on a different pain med regimen and he emailed my PCP about it. So he will decide either yes or no. I have no way of knowing if it is a no because I wasn’t in the email. I am once again out of the loop while these doctors decide what is in my interest. I have to wait, again, for their decision. I was not happy. The med is something that I told him shuts off my bladder but he said that only happens with patients with neurogenic bladder. I told him I HAVE neurogenic bladder but I was dismissed. Okay, when I am in the ER because I can’t pee, I guess they will switch me to something else and take four months to decide what to put me on while I suffer.

I was too annoyed to email my psychiatrist to let her know how the appt went. I went to Chipotle when I got to the Square and timed it right to catch the bus home. I was sweating so bad. I ate my burrito while my mother was talking about her bills and the amount she has to pay. I could care less. My sneakers had arrived and my new pajamas pants. I will get them washed. I am still waiting for the shorts. They will arrive Monday. After I ate, I felt a little better. I was less grumpy. I emailed my psych telling her I felt like a pinball and that nothing new happened other than I need to wait, again. She asked what had happened so I told her.

I got really sleepy after I put in the new shoelace thingy for my sneakers. It took me a while to figure out how it was supposed to be. The diagram was not the best. It kind of made the sneaker tight but it should loosen, I hope. I kept the laces just in case I don’t like it. I don’t know if I can put my AFO in the sneaker with these thingys. I will find out on Monday.