Category: mood disorders

Pain changes

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain changes

I used to have pain that began anywhere between 1800-2300. Now it’s starting to happen around 1400 in the afternoon. WTF. It’s the same type of pain I experience at night, only earlier in the day now. And it lasts well into the evening. Because it’s day time, I can’t take a full dose of meds unless I know I am doing absolutely nothing the rest of the day because I am basically drugged up. It usually knocks me out and I sleep, which messes with my night time sleeping. Today I took one pain pill when I came home from Starbucks and then paged my psychiatrist because I felt uneasy.

I was supposed to kill myself today, so this pain isn’t helping that feeling of wanting to die. I told my therapist that I would use my crisis response plan if I was in trouble. I am not to the point of needing to go to the ER but I do need to talk to my psych because she can help calm me down. My therapist will just get excited and be no use to me then have to get off the phone with me, leaving me feeling in worse shape before she called. Least with my psychiatrist we can come up with some kind of plan until I meet with her tomorrow.

I took an Ativan because my anxiety was getting up. I feel mellow now. I also want to sleep but my psych hasn’t called back and I don’t want to miss her call. I guess it’s good that I am not anxious because I was going to ask her what the quickest way to amputate your limb would be, chainsaw or a sawzall.

I just had dinner so I shouldn’t have to go downstairs anymore unless I have to use the bathroom. Or want a snack. But I will only snack if my pain levels return to normal (which they won’t) or my doc calls and calms me down so I don’t do anything to harm myself in the mean time. I am so sick of this shit. The pain has taken a life of it’s own. I can understand hurting at night when I have done nothing all day. But to bother me in the day time hours, too? NO, I won’t stand for it. Something needs to be done. Though what that is, I have no fucking clue. I am sure my PCP that I see tomorrow is going to be just as clueless. Least my pain meds work on the pain so I don’t need to change meds.

Thing is, I didn’t do anything different today than I normally do. I didn’t stand for hours on the train or waiting for the bus. I didn’t walk more than I normally do. I was having an okay day until the damn pain hit. Then everything went out the fucking window and I wanted to fucking die. I still feel that way but it’s more manageable since I have taken the Ativan and pain meds to control some of the pain. I would love to take a nap but it’s too late for it. I will just take my meds early tonight and try and see if I can sleep at a decent hour. I got to leave the house early tomorrow. I just hope my pain doesn’t get worse as time goes on. Or the pain meds wear off in the middle of the night and I am in excruciating pain. That always is my worry.

Reflections of Yesterday’s therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Reflections of yesterday’s therapy session

I woke up hangover after all the Neurontin I took last night. I wasn’t surprised as I knew I would be. I needed coffee but I just missed the bus and had to wait an hour for the next one. I goofed off on the laptop and got ready to go out.

The homeless guy I met last week was on the bus. He didn’t appear to acknowledge my presence so I just kept my distance. I got to Starbucks and ordered my espresso with a breakfast sandwich. I had been craving to have their sausage, egg, and cheese. I then played with my phone while I ate before writing in my journal.

I started writing in my journal about yesterday’s session. I’m not sure how our sessions are going to be now that she feels inadequate. The whole thing is making me feel like a jerk. If we do get an “adjunctive” therapist, how will our sessions be? I can’t imagine having two therapists where we talking about the same things in therapy. It’s just going to be draining on me and useless time for me. I don’t understand why she can’t be the “therapist” and work on my fucking issues. She did before. I don’t understand why things have changed. And it’s frustrating me because I have to wait till Tuesday to get these questions answered. Plus the holiday is coming up so I know there is going to be NO ONE to see me until after the holidays, if she is able to find someone.

The whole thing is freaking me out and thinking she doesn’t want to work with me anymore but still wants to be in contact with me no matter what. How is that going to fly? I know in the past while I was seeing a therapist in my hometown we still met with one another. But it was mostly to bitch about how the session went with the other therapist. I don’t want that to be the focus of each session. It will be ridiculous and a waste of my time. As it is, she still wants to know every fucking detail of what goes on with my psych appointments. If she wants to know that badly, maybe she should accompany me to them, for crying out loud. I think that is to waste time on her part so we don’t have to talk about other matters.

I remember a time when before my suicidality clouded everything we did, she used to be able to center me and give me real therapy. We had a good working relationship. And we still had it even though we talked over the phone the majority of the time. Then something happened and she blew of course. Symptoms of my PTSD were listened to but no advice given, same with the anxiety issues that popped up with the pain levels increasing. Seemed that we spent more time talking about my damn pain syndrome than about therapy itself and what would work for me. Each session, we just went with the flow while my suicidality flew out of control. She could barely contain it anymore and I was just going from one death date to another, searching for hope that just wasn’t there anymore. Her love and care for me were enough to save my ass from my self-destructiveness. This is something I have told her time and time again but again it fell on deaf ears. She felt it was enough because she was the therapist and I was the client and that meant we had the unbroken rule that I wasn’t to die by suicide by any means, no matter that my life turned into a whirlwind of pain and despair.

Sometime this year, when I became psychotic after my father’s death, I became disconnected from those around me. I still feel disconnected. It’s not that I don’t know I am loved or cared for. It’s just that I can’t feel these things, only sadness, depression, and misery. The physical pain takes care of the rest. I have tried to feel more connected but I just don’t feel it. It’s hard to empathize and sympathize with those around me. I feel like I am giving people the cold shoulder most of the time and I don’t mean to because that is just not who I am. I have bouts of crying that come out of the blue with no feelings attached to it. It’s strange to feel so much feeling and not know what the fuck they are but tears continue to roll down my face. I know part of it is the grief that I have not felt since my father’s passing. When he died, I shed not one tear for months now. I just am not in touch with my feelings anymore, hence this disconnection I feel.

My therapist thinks it’s because of the psychosis and anti-psychotic med that are causing this to be so. She called it the “negative symptoms of psychosis”. I still have no idea what the hell that means. I could look it up but I really don’t want to know. Funny, I used to know psychotic symptoms like the back of my hand but that was years ago and now I just have forgotten. I haven’t discussed the issue with my psychiatrist because I don’t think it’s worth the time to be discussed. I am not worried about it and frankly don’t care. I rather feel disconnected anyways. It’s safer than having feelings.

Pain O’Clock Arises Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain O’clock arises again

I spent most of the day in bed. I woke up really early this morning, in pain, so I took some meds to help and went back to sleep. I woke up in time for my therapy appointment. It was tough. She almost sectioned me as she gave me a choice of whether or not she could provide transportation or I could take myself to the ER. I told her I wasn’t going to do anything. Pissed me off. Then I said what are we going to do and she is looking into finding a therapist. I have no idea what the fuck that means. Guess I will find out next week.

After therapy, I had to use the bathroom. My mother made a fucking insulting comment as I walked by. Fucking hate her when she does that. Then I had the left over bacon she made and some cranberry cake. I could have finished off the cake but I wanted to save room for the popcorn shrimp for later.

When I got back to my room, my ankle and toes started their rigmarole. I took my meds and my antipsychotic because I didn’t want to forget again. I am cursing my therapist for making me stop my plan for tomorrow. I thought I would be able to go out to pick up my prescription but I will be too drugged up soon to walk a straight line, much less go back down the stairs and out the door. I will save it for tomorrow. I want to get Reese’s peanut butter cups anyways. I think that is a good reward for not killing yourself.

What was weird about the session is that my therapist didn’t think she could be my therapist anymore. I find this troubling. WTF will I be seeing her for if not for professional reasons? Makes no sense to me. I am all confused. She has it in her mind that someone else would be better if that someone else is face to face. She is going to find that someone. I just hope they take my insurance or I am screwed.

If I feel up to it, I would like to make cranberry muffins tomorrow. It all depends on how my pain levels go the rest of tonight and if I sleep. I can’t believe my pain syndrome has changed to day time hours now. Fuck. It’s just depressing that I am in pain whenever my ankle or toes feel like it. It’s hard to control that kind of pain when there is no rhyme or reason to it. I took some Ativan so my PTSD doesn’t shoot up. Once I get anxious, it’s hard to settle down and nap. I just get restless.

back to normal blogging…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back to Normal Blogging…

The blog I wrote earlier today was really difficult for me. I was crying in between paragraphs and had to take breaks because it stirred up so much emotion for me. By the time I was finished, I was mentally and physically exhausted. Then my ankle flared up so there went taking a nap. My feet got cold so I put on my socks. As I was putting them on my bad ankle, the elastic hurt my ankle as it slipped on past it. It was so damn painful I was seeing stars. Then I felt it to calm it down and it was really throbbing. I could feel it pulsating. That never happened before so I took some Ativan thinking it might be the beginning of a spasm.

I was supposed to get my DVD today of “A few good men”. The tracking said it was “delivered” at around 0930 this morning but nothing was in my mailbox. Liars. It didn’t get delivered until this evening with the rest of the mail. If I am still up, I will watch the movie. There is nothing like a good Tom Cruise movie to see when you feel bad. I really wanted to take a shower and should have taken it after I wrote my blog. I had a window before it really started throbbing and I missed it. Now I have to wait till either later tonight when my pain meds kick in or tomorrow. I am leaning for tomorrow. I have a new soap I want to try so I really would like to shower. It’s made for winter dryness by Dove. I hope it helps with the eczema on my face.

I got crappy sleep last night despite taking a crap load of meds. I think my strong pain meds made me restless as I was up every couple of hours. I finally gave up around 0430 and had a PB and J sandwich because I was hungry. That settled me down some and I was able to get back to sleep till around 0930-1000. I made coffee and finished off the cherry pie. Then I figured I might as well have something more than pie so I finished off what was left of the Shepard’s pie. It was so good reheated. It’s one of my favorite comfort foods.

I had bought some popcorn shrimp and I think I will have that tomorrow for lunch. I haven’t had popcorn shrimp in a long time, mostly because I don’t think of buying it when I am in the store. It was expensive but I didn’t care. It’s not something I buy all the time. I usually get fish sticks or filets. They used to sell a bag of filets online but they don’t anymore. I guess you need to get them at the store now. Next time I go to Market basket, I am going to get them. It’s cheaper there than at Stop and Shop.

I got a cranberry muffin recipe online. I might try it once my pain flare up has settled down. I don’t want the cranberries I bought to go to waste. I like baking. If I do it in the morning, I don’t have that many problems but trying to do it in the afternoon is not always good. It all depends on how much I sleep.