Category: mood disorders

Back pain and heating pads

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Back pain and heating pads

I have been in agony most of the day with my back. It doesn’t want to move it’s normal way so it’s hurting me. Any movement that I make, I am in severe pain. I just was able to get it under control using my strong pain pills and a heating pad. I didn’t think a heating pad was going to work but it did. Now that I have slept most of the afternoon and evening, I can’t go to sleep.

My mind is wondering in a million directions. I am thinking of dying because that is what I think of when I can’t sleep and I am in pain. I took some Aleve to help with the pain because I am almost out of my regular pain pills. I get to see a new NP on Friday to get a refill. Oh joy. I hope she isn’t a hard ass.

I have been thinking of making the pumpkin cake again. I would make the pumpkin fluff but I don’t have vanilla pudding. I rather have the cake anyway. I can only make one dessert because I have just one can of pumpkin. I finished off the pumpkin cupcakes today. I don’t think I will make them again unless I use a different liner. The paper one that I used stuck to the cupcake making it very difficult to remove. Didn’t help that the pumpkin became all watery like. It was still good but was gooey.

I texted my therapist that I wanted to die. I don’t see why I have to live. What is the point exactly? To be in pain all the time? I am tired of being in pain. If it’s not back pain, it’s ankle or foot pain. I can’t walk with either pain. Just standing is difficult. I feel like an old crooked man as I can’t stand straight anymore. It’s just something I shouldn’t have to go through. The depression is worse every day and so is the suicidal stuff. The pain is just the icing on the cake. All I have to do is put my plan into motion. And why can’t I? Why can’t I just end my life?

I really wanted to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the MFA in Boston. But if I can’t stand for more than a few seconds, I don’t see how that is going to be possible. I am so damn sad at this. I had bought membership to the museum so I can go a few times as I know it wouldn’t be possible to see everything in one go. Now that I am ill, I can’t go and her exhibit is only for another few weeks. Damn temperature changes causing my back to go out like a damn switch. Happens every fucking year. It’s below 50 degrees right now so I am going to be hurting tomorrow. I just seriously hope by some miracle, my back is okay enough to go into Boston to see the NP to get my prescription. I have tried doing some exercises but those just cause me more pain. I am fucked.

Therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My Therapy session

I had therapy today, my third session this week. We mostly talked about how I am in serious pain and that I didn’t sleep very well last night. I told her I have to call my doctor’s office and reschedule the appointment with my NP as I will run out of my medication by Friday. I did call and will be seeing another NP to get my medication refilled. My NP is off the weekend. Figures. I hope my back is better by then as I still am having a hard time moving around.

I asked my therapist if she could call me on Friday. She is not in the office on Fridays but seeing as it was the day that I was going to end my life, I wanted to talk to her. She agreed and when she has some time open, she will call me. She is also trying to see if a slot opens up tomorrow for me to talk to her.

I broke out the heating pad to put on my back. It is helping, a little bit. I feel really terrible that I am in so much pain. It didn’t help that I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was up every couple of hours because I kept on having bad painful spasms. It was horrible because I would be paralyzed in pain. I couldn’t move at all. I hope the heating pad helps and that I am able to walk and stand again. I took an extra baclofen. I am hoping that helps too.

We didn’t talk about anything therapeutic today. We just kept talking about how the pain was affecting me and how lousy I felt. Then we talked about the reading challenge that I am doing. I don’t think I am going to complete it because I haven’t been reading that much the last few days. It’s been hard to read when you are in pain.

The last few days, some one has been hammering and making loud noises in my backyard. It’s driving me crazy because I have been trying to nap and can’t do it with all the noise. It’s terrible. I wish I could make them stop but I can’t. So all day long I am hearing this pounding noise and I have no idea where it’s coming from. I think it’s from the street over from me but I am not sure.

I haven’t received any calls from the resident. I hope he/she calls today. I really would like to get it set up as soon as possible. I really wanted to go out today to get my espresso but that isn’t going to happen. I thought about making coffee but I should be knocked out soon from my medication.

Jar of Frosting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Jar of Frosting

The other day I made pumpkin cupcakes, with the hope of taking them to my therapist today. I have half a jar of cream cheese frosting left over. I think I am going to have it for a snack, along with the cupcakes. I feel totally miserable. My back is still out for whatever reason. And what is worse, is I am out of my regular pain meds. I was supposed to call today to have the appointment moved to Friday as next Tuesday is no good. But after therapy, I just went back to sleep and didn’t get up again until my mother called me for dinner.

I didn’t do anything today. I just rested my back. My sister is going to pick up my prescription at walgreens. I couldn’t go today because I could barely stand up straight, let alone walk to the store and back. I really hate the temperature changes and I know my back is out because it was 70 degrees yesterday and 50 today.

I got the refund from Zipcar for my cancelation. I plan on getting another Zipcar next week so I can see my therapist. I hope to make her the pumpkin fluff I want to try. I just need to get vanilla pudding. I have been feeling paranoid lately so I have been trying to take the trilafon a little more regularly. I forgot to take it this afternoon when I was on the phone with my therapist. I just took it now after dinner, along with three Aleve to see if that helps my back any. The other NSAID that I take doesn’t really help me at all. I have stopped using it. I wish Ketoprofen still worked for me. It worked really well for a while and then stopped for whatever reason. It was really good for back pain.

My therapist talked a lot about food today, even without me bringing it up. I thought it was strange. She felt bad that I didn’t see her today but she understood. I told her I didn’t get much sleep last night because of pain. I don’t think I went to sleep till around 5 and then I woke up around a half hour later to pee. I also was hungry so I had some cupcakes. Then I went back to sleep until my damn mother called me wanting me to put something in the freezer. I was so out of it, I don’t even remember what she wanted me to place in the freezer. Luckily, I woke up a half hour before my therapy appointment.

I told her about the CBT. She is supportive about it and hope that it helps. I told her flat out that it’s my last hope, which I also emailed my psychiatrist at god knows what time in the morning. I know I wrote a blog in the middle of the night to help me sleep. Pain was causing me such havoc. It was more so with my ankle than with my back. My therapist wanted to know why I chose that form of therapy and I told her the research supports it. I found a long PDF about chronic pain and CBT but I couldn’t read it as it was late and I hate reading PDF’s from the computer screen. It was 124 pages so I didn’t want to print it out. I will try reading it later today, if I am up for it. I am still sleepy.

I told her our schedule might have to change when this resident calls me. I don’t know what the availability is. I am hoping it is a day that I don’t have therapy. But we’ll see. I told her I will stress that I want this for chronic pain and not depression. If this resident doesn’t do chronic pain CBT then I will have to look elsewhere, though it will be another setback.

in Super Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In super pain

I took three of my regular pain meds for my back pain. Within 45 minutes, I began to feel sleepy but I didn’t finish my blog yet so I fought off the sleepiness for a little while. I had to do a couple things on my feet like put my finished powerade bottle in the recycle, shut off the big light and get another powerade bottle to put it by my bed. After all that, my ankle said thank you by exploding in pain. It was driving me to be suicidal so I took a strong pain pill. I have one left and that isn’t going to get me through the month. I wish Walgreens would hurry up with their asking my doc if it is okay that I take my regular pain meds and my strong one. It’s from the same damn office so I don’t know why there is a problem every time I try to get it filled. Drives me fucking nuts. I meant to call them today to hurry them up but I forgot. I will call tomorrow.

Being in this kind of pain just makes me wicked suicidal. If I could walk to where my stash of lethal pills are, I would probably take them. But I don’t want to kill myself in my house. I don’t want a family member finding me. So I have to hold off the suicidal feelings. I hate being in this much pain. It’s a 12 on a scale of 1-10. I really hope that the CBT works for me. I am kind of scared. There is a book that is made specifically for chronic pain and CBT so I am going to get it on my next pay check. This will be the 3rd book I will have purchased for cognitive therapy. I hope I can get something out of it.

I am writing as a means of distracting while I am waiting for the strong pain pill to work. I took it an hour ago so it should be kicking in soon. I thought I was having some relief until I moved my ankle. Bad move. I know if I lie down, I am going to be in more pain so I am just sitting up waiting for pain meds to work. Some life I lead. I can’t even enjoy going out to meet some friends anymore. My life is pathetic. It’s kind of my fault because today should have been a “rest” day because I baked yesterday. I keep pushing the envelope and it’s pushing back, harder than I can take. If I don’t take rest days, I am just messed up and in pain more than I would like and it’s harder to control. That’s why I sadly decided not to see my therapist later today. I hated cancelling but I need to start taking better care of myself. Being in pain all the time is tiring and is causing me to be wicked suicidal at times.

Times like this, I really want to put my date back on the table because I can’t imagine living life like this anymore. But I really want to give this CBT stuff a try and hope for the best. I also need to honestly give it a try even though it might be hard to give up the preconceptions that I have about it. Until then, I have to stick around, even though I am fighting an uphill battle. I feel like I am doing this alone but I know that I have my blog readers behind me and that is a huge comfort to me. Thank you for reading and encouraging me.